Merry Christmas!

wow. it's Christmas! i like this time of the year. i've grown to like it. i spent Nochebuena with Yajaira's family and my family. i kept driving back and forth between the two houses. it's was quite a feast. they also had a yankee swap which was nice. i got a big candle which came in handy last night to make my room less stuffy. it as a Y's brother's new home. the usual suspects were there plus a couple of people from our host's side. a bit abnoxious little guy with his wife but overall seemingly nice people. i had fun. however, right before heading out north for the dinner i decided to go on a little adventure; i.e. go get a xmas tree. yep. Christmas Eve at 5:00pm and I'm looking for a tree. finally i stopped at the flower place in union square an got a tree. it was $25 and it's not bad looking. a hispanic guy working there helped me put it in my trunk--yes, my little VW jetta trunk--and i drove home with a big smile on my face. i think i pulled a back muscle trying to get it out of the car but finally it worked. i hauled it up the stairs and decorated it, if i can call it that. i forgot that we only had like 4 ornaments left along with the lights. so, the tree has lights, 4 bolitas, 2 tamboritas--that my mom gave me after the fact--lots of randome ribbons i found in the house, and the netting that it came wrapped in as a tree trunk covering. neat, uh?

my brother asked if he could sleep here last night becuase he was going to do some stuff with his girlfriend in the morning. after he left i've spent all day on the couch watching old BBC movies. i really like those Jane Austen-ish type movies. it's ridiculous how many of those I can see or books i can read on them. i made japanese style curry rice and opened a bottle of wine. intermittently i keep thinking of the current mr. wrong... well, he's not wrong, i guess he's just "mr. can't-be." love is so obsessive and i can't describe how frustrated i am for like this guy. even if he were madly in love with me--which I can't guarantee he is--i would not be able to compromise my beliefs and everything i hold dear to be with him. it seems like i'd have to really be in an unbalance relationship where i know that the number one thing in my life--God--is not even a consideration in his mind. then why, after knowing that, do i continue to have him engraved in my brain? why then do i long to have him close and share my xmas with him and his dorky self? i don't get it. i have been fighting with myself for the past couple of weeks because i really do not want to think of this guy. i do not want him to creep up in my thoughts or anything closely to him to contaminate my life. the more i try, the worse it gets. it's tiring. it's frustrating. i just want him to go away. i just want him to leave me alone. i just want his lack of attention to not bother me. i don't want the fact that we are completely opposite culturally, racially, religiously, professionally, etc. to bother me. i don't want the fact that his friends seem like people that i'd never be able to connect with not to bother me. i don't want to want to be part of his life. i don't want to want to cook for him and be there when he's tired or sad. i do not want to meet the darn dog he keeps saying is really cute and that i'd like a lot. i don't want any of this... yet it's here. and this is how poisonous it is that i am here having a nice Christmas Day all fine and suddenly i find myself blogging about him. why?!

i just want to be free from this. i just want to be able to leave this darn limbo of wanting and being and knowing i can't. it's ridiculous. but anyway. i'll be fine. i feel better. i texted a friend in NY to see if he was around to vent but then i realized that i have to deal with this on my own and sort out these thoughts myself. no one can really help me get over this.

but you know what's kinda crazy? that even in the mist of all this frustration i still feel this sort of joy within me. i think this is what people talk about when they say that God gives you joy even in the craziest of situations. i feel happy but i'm sulking on mr. can't-be. that doesn't make sense, don't it? i also just feel elated for the season. the fact that Jesus was born and died for me and that at this very moment I get to celebrate his birthday--even if it really wasn't this time of year, etc., etc. i'm happy. i feel blessed and i can't explain why. it's just an amazing feeling of security and peace and joy. the more i think about it the more i can't explain it and the more i conclude that i'm nuts. :) i love it. anyway, merry Christmas! i guess this is the meaning of the season, inexplicable, crazy joy that the Father has blessed us with through the Son so that we can blog about it to random people, family and friends. God definitely has a sense of humor. xoxo