darn green line silence.... so embarassing

so this morning i'm waiting for the green line at reservoir wondering if my gorgeous israeli fellow T commuter is round.  he apparently went somewhere on vacation because i haven't seen him all week. i also couldn't smell is intoxicating strong Joop cologne anywhere so he's definitely not around.  i'll talk about him later if i remember.

anyway, back to my original point.  i didn't have dinner last night. nor did i have breakfast before leaving--darn cafeteria holiday schedule. it's all good, i thought, because i'm having breakfast at the office.  the it started.  as i stood next to the dignified-looking, financial district fellow wit the WSJ, my stomach started its own version of the Boston Pops. how embarrassing.  to make matters worse, everyone was so darn quiet!  it's like the cold had frozen everyone and they just wanted to make air space for the sounds emanating from my mid-section.  i was mortified.  as soon as i heard the minimal squeak i would stomp my foot slightly, pretending to shake the snow off my boots; or i would "sumirme" by holding my breath in hopes that it would go away. i wanted to die.  it's like i was farting in public or something!  why? why me?  i put my little Jane Austen book down because i couldn't concentrate on Emma and Mr. Knightley's conversation.  i just wanted a whole lot of noise to take over that platform.  finally, after a minor delay, the train came and the world came to life.  i was free to let my stomach growl as much as it wanted. 

Ah Christmas...

after much deliberation, i decided to head to my familia for Christmas.  my mom asked a number of times and so i decided to head over and spend some quality time with grams, mom, bro and sis--or so i thought.  my brother picked me up and as we drove i found out that his girlfriend was coming over too.  i don't dislike the girl but she gets on my nerves.  i think she's very clingy and needy.  my brother travels for work most of the time and gets back on fridays usually.  the chick is at my mom's house even before he gets there.  she then sees him on saturday and then most likey on sunday--it seems.  so he has no time to really catch up with family and such.  for the Christmas holiday she came to my house on friday nigh, then he went to her house on saturday, and on sunday, they had planned to watch a movie but because of the snow storm they cancelled, i think.  she seems to call every time i'm with him, which is not often.  apparently he wants me to bond with her but i'm just not feeling it.  then whenever i see her at my mom's house she's in his room and what the heck am i going to be in there watching my younger brother slobber over someone's face.  ok, maybe not that bad...

sorry, i went off a tangent there.  so dinner.  it was fun.  we ate a simple meal and laughed most of it off with my grandmother and her stories.  actually, stories of how all of us--my mom included--have prank called her in English and she seems to just fall each and every time.  poor thing. she's turning 80 this year but still, she's a bit slow in that sense.  i bought some gifts for my mama, mami, bro, sis.. and the clingy girlfriend--sorry. :) she got me cupcakes so i shouldn't dub her as clingy.  however, all i wanted for Christmas were earmuff, which i didn't get.  nor did i get any other present from my family. so much for the spirit of the season.... ha ha

we rented some movies to watch and my younger sister crashed our family gathering with her boyfriend and his brother and his brother's wife.  quite the scene... three couples and I watching grown-ups. my sister's boyfriend is quite handsome but the kid is nuts.  i think we laughed so hard with the movie not because it was funny but because he has this "mad-scientist-deranged-jealous-wife-about-to-give-birth laugh of sorts that just makes you want to bring him to america's funniest home videos.  hilarious. his brother's wife, it turns out, worked with me all of last year.  she was on staff for the organization that provided the curriculum for my program. she was so chatty; she would not stop talking.  maybe she was nervous.  they would not leave.  after the movie was over my dorky brother started fiddling with the jenga game y pa' que fue eso, they started playing too! after saying goodbye and with their coats on!! finally i went into my brother's room to see if they would get the hint but that didn't even make a dent. nananina.

the rest of the time there i spent watching movies. i watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latinfah two times, "The Kids are All Right" we watched together with my mom.  that was interesting.  the movie has a number of sex scenes with clearly naked people.  my mom was giggly at one point. her mouth was wide open at one point when Julianne Moore and the other lady were doing their thing as a lesbian couple.  it was an interesting movie to watch but i don't think i liked it. Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, was just yummy.  he's the reason i rented it.  after Johnny Depp his my 2nd favorite actor. i like the roles he chooses. they're usually such a space-cadet-looking but really unconventionally-smart-sexy characters.  sorry, i digress again. 

anyway, sunday night in the middle of the blizzard--which i found out about from a facebook status about an hour prior--my brother drove me home.  you could hardly see anyone while on the highway. it was kinda fun, although too slow.    when i got home i slept and have been doing so most today too.  love me some snow days! :)

p.s. i'm still looking for earmuffs so hopefully tomorrow i can procure me some furry ear-friends to sport in the snow.

darn gum... darn gum!!!!

really, how do you tell a 45+ year old woman that she sounds like a cow when she chews gum?  how does one tell her that it is not proper office etiquette when i can hear her chew her gum two cubicles over?  how!?! hoooow!  loud chewing in the wrong context is just so wrong to me and it's probably the thing that gets me angry automatically.  but i guess this is one of those moments to exercise love, compassion, mercy, etc. and stay shut as my colleague seems to have an unlimited supply of gum to make her mouth happy. she has been chewing for like the past two weeks straight, even at a training with an outside vendor--granted, everyone had piece after lunch, but she kept hers for like the whole darn afternoon.   arggg!!! it's driving me crazy.   really, it doesn't appear to you that that's not proper office etiquette when everyone else is not doing it. maybe all the noise coming from her open mouth is not allowing her to notice others around her.  i know i just need to suck it up and just let it be but i have to say something, somewhere.   if only i could use some duck tape...

random encounters...

on Monday i was on my way to work earlier than usual because we had a week-long training with  a team from UPenn. they came to teach us how to train others in our program curriculum which they developed.  anyway, i called a cab to come pick me up since it was to early to take our shuttle.  as i got in the cab i told the driver where to go and he took a longer route than usual so i asked if he could please go down another street since i was in a hurry.  as i sat there i started to listen to the song he was playing and i felt so touched by it.  it was in gospel song in French.  it was titled "Perseverez".

here's the video:



in my Crown discipleship i had learned on Sunday that our deeds will be judged and recompensed depending on our intentions. i told the cabbie that and that this would be one of those things; where he lifted my spirit and gave me hope at the beginning of a very tough week. he blessed me without knowing me and/or intending to just by choosing that song to praise God in his cab.

we started talking and Frantz--that's his name--told me about his life and how he plays worship music in the cab and some people like it, others don't, etc. i told him what i did and gave him my card. he gave me his and said he would email me to send me the contact information. it was a great moment. he gave me an indirect word of encouragement and i gave him words of encouragement. God works in a amazing ways. he emailed me the information and i responded. i was really grateful for God's faithfulness and his reminder that he has not forgotten me. :) he knew i needed something to start that week where i would be facing a number of difficult decisions and lots of things to do as a result. i have been feeling pretty alone lately and God has been faithful to send me all these reminders that he's got my back. i just feel that in the midst of my daily chaos He's there, standing firm. i feel reassured even if i do my best to mess everything up. my encounter with Frantz just filled me with faith in people and in me. it also confirmed once again that my Father loves me and knows how to deal with me and when i need it. il n'a pas dit que sera facile...

I think it's hard when you go through periods in life where disappointment just takes over you and a number of events in your life are filtered through it.  I guess it has to do with you level of happiness or satisfaction at any given point but sometimes it's just like a virus that takes over an doesn't let you know.  today I was a bit disappointed with the people I work with at a meeting we had.  Obviously, I am not the best manager in the world nor I am in the position I have because I’m fully qualified but because I happen to be there and fit the role.  That’s problem number one, regardless of what other people say I do not feel that that is my legitimate place.  I think they just needed a warm body there at a particular time and I was readily available to say yes.  Given that, I probably reflect a number of insecurities which not even I can perceive fully.

Anyway, at the meeting--a website brainstorming meeting--someone made a suggestion to include something like Focus on the Family does to which I responded, "Well, we can use that because it's religious."  It must have been the way I said and/or something else but that set off a mood that I thought was rather offensive and frustrating.  my assessments is that I am not very accepting of opinions and when I ask for suggestions I never take them into account, "go back to your desk and scratch them," was the line.  I thought that was hurtful.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I am angry and feel very much unappreciated.   I have no direction in the program and have a number of roles that require a lot for one person. You can’t really design a program and implement it all at the same time; which is what I have to do in a way.  I’m not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I lack but if someone is going to make fun of me because I’m left ot make decisions that maybe I should not be making then I don’t appreciate it.  It’s just not fair.   I try to support the team as much as I can and forget many of the things that they do not do by remembering the thing that they do do.  It’s  just pushed my buttons to not have someone say things directly, even after I ask for feedback, but yet create a reputation for someone and not affording one the benefit of knowing. If it were just isolated comments, it wouldn’t matter but I know it isn’t. I know it’s not isolated and I know it has some consequence.  

It doesn’t help that I feel my time has come to move to other professional projects.  I do not want to stay here any longer. I am here because I feel that this is where God is calling me to be but if it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  I can see how I am called to be here and how everything in life (past, present, future) seems to point to me staying here, but then I wonder, does God always puts you through misery to teach you whatever? Is there not joy in following his Will? I experienced that when I was starting to work here but now, I don’t think that’s the case.  When we do I know that God is calling me to bear with it, and not telling me to move on but I’m not doing so out of fear?  I don’t know. I guess this is the process to find out. Hopefully the answer it’s already on its way and I just have to wait a bit longer. 

me and my big mouth...

someone in my office has this Chinese character on her neck:

obviously, I saw it and asked what it meant. she said it meant love. when she said that I knew I was in trouble. To me, it didn't look like "love". According to three dictionaries I just checked (two japanese and one chinese) it means wolf or severe/cruel. what am I going to do? I can't tell her; specially after she mentioned how she came up with the design for it. why do I open my mouth? why?

if John would listen a bit better, he would know that the only reason why he can stand and ask all those questions is because he is loved. i can so relate to this song and the underlying struggle that happens as you try to seek God. this is just a great piece.

by the way, he looks infinitely sexier singing about what matters. sigh.. oh, Legend how i drool for thee.

he never moved...

i just had like a 1/2 hour conversation with a friend about some heavy stuff.  this dear friend of mine is going through a number of things, and has gone through some of them for more than a year.  he just got a divorce after months of separation from his wife and for no real apparent reason.  needless to say, he has been a bit in the grey.  then his job for a major corporate financial firm is being moved to South America and he needs to decide what to do, if he stays in NYC or moves down south, etc.  i have been there for most of the process so we talk about it from time to time.

as we spoke he mentioned that because he has been away from God he feels that it's hard to pray for guidance and/or wisdom since he feels that he doesn't have the right.  why would God listen to him they've been part?  while i was talking to him i said something that as i think of it just makes me realize how amazing this God of mine is.  i told him that it is true, he can't expect to listen to God's voice as easily because it would be as if I went to a friend that i have not seen in ten years and without saying hello ask him to lend me $400,00 to pay for a new liver or some major crisis like that. from our human perspective that would make no sense.  so he was like, "exactly!"  why would He answer?  i responded by saying that God is not the problem, he is the problem.  as he walked father and farther way from God, He never moved. God didn't budge an inch.  he stayed right where he was facing our backs.  we are the problem.  likewise, to the measure that we moved away from God we have to then turn back and walk back towards him, and he is there right where He stayed.  God is always willing to embrace us; to forgive us; to love us.  He never moves.  His love never changes.  we, however, always sway and fail to see that only our side of the equation fluctuates; his doesn't.

this is what we see---forgive my ghetto "virtual" drawing: 
before   :::::::::::::::::::: me & God :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after      :::me:::::::::::::::: & :::::::::::::::::::God::::::::::::::

 however, this is what God sees: 
before   :::::::::::::::::::::: me & God ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after      :::::me::::::::::::::::: & God:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after-after :::::::::::::::::::me & God:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 i know this is not, like, wow, the latest theological discovery but i find it interesting that we always think of a equidistant gap between God and us when in reality the distance is from us away from him.  He is the point of reference in all and immutable. therefore, anyway that moves, does so towards Him or away from him. His love for us never changes.

i hope that my friend finds that reassuring and understands that God is always there for him.  i know that i totally love the fact that He is there for me, regardless of the pull/push dance i may have going on in life.  there's so much more to know about this God who chooses to patiently wait for my childish tantrums to be over so and turn back to him.  not because he needs me but because he loves me.  he just stays there,

A virtuous woman, who can find?  

For her worth is far above rubies.   

This past Saturday I went to a women's conference at my church.  It was great!  One, because I got to hang out with my mom, one on one, las dos solitas; and two, because the message was very encouraging to me.  The theme was around the virtuous wife in Proverbs 31.  Obviously, that doesn't really apply to me because I'm not married, but it is a model that I can implement and exercise now rather than when I get married.  I have a long standing connection with that passage which I think reflect a lot of my intentions and many actions in life. 

At one point, I was recruited for an interview with a State agency in Boston and decided to go.  As I prepared that morning, I was a bit anxious about the whole things, especially when my employer at the time was good friends and a contractor with that agency.  As a way to calm myself, I opened by Bible.  I chose at random within Proverbs because it's full of wise advice.  I am to Proverbs 31 and read it all. I even misread some parts, which I think was God speaking to me, that made me feel rather reassured.  I felt God was reassuring me and saying go boldly before for you have my backing and I will make you this virtuous woman. 


Regardless of marital status, I really, really want to be one of those virtuous women that I see around me.  Women who are bold and strong but coated with this peaceful, gentle, diligent spirit.  Women who know who they are and where God is taking them.  Women who face adversity with a rock-solid faith and give a word of counsel to those who need it.   I long to be wise to mentor others in the right path; to care for others in ways in order to meet my own needs but because out of my spiritual strength my hand stays steady and extended. 

I am so going to make a checklist from this and break the passage into tasks and/or concepts that I can apply in practical ways.  It sounds so geeky but I think it's a good idea; periodically I will see how I am molding my character to be a wise, virtuous woman.  When I get married, I want to give my husband the best of me that I can;  and support him in becoming a righteous man.  After learning what a marriage in God is, I can't help to think of what a wonderful journey it must be.  Not an easy journey in a bubble; but a careful, molding journey in a room full of bubbles, where you have to make sure that you burst them all with your actions.  :)  So silly, anyway, you get the point--I hope.  


I want to be a virtuous woman!  And at the risk of sounding arrogant I feel that I have pretty good raw materials to do so.  This older gentleman told me yesterday, "You seem like a woman who was born to be a mother and a wife; always industrious"  I'm not sure if I was born to be a mother or a wife but I know I was born to be a virtuous woman, and through God I will because His promise is to complete the work he started.   :D

I know that You *are* for me...

this song came just when i needed it. a long day, in a long month... where my brokeness is quite reflected. in days like this, i rejoice for God's grace. because if His grace weren't there, i know for sure that i wouldn't be here. oh Lord, forgive my sin. forgive my lack of integrity and my lack of purpose. forgive my lack of trust and my lack of hope; my lack of faith. see the blood of jesus on me that cover those and continue to extend your grace to me even if i sabotage myself everytime you try to do it right. i know you are for me. i will trust your promise. :)

to love or not to love... ultimately, that is the question

Lately, I have been having a very hard time loving someone.  It's like I am genetically predisposed to not love this person.  It's even harder when this person is in a position of authority above me and not only do I have to respect him but as a spiritual authority I have to respect him.  In order for me to respect him, I have to muster some sort of love from somewhere.  However, I'm struggling big time.  He is so clueless of what he does; he is so clueless of what he doesn't do.  I keep asking God to give me love.  I also asked other people who have had issues with him in the past for "indirect" advice. It just isn't working.  It's the most frustrating thing.  The worse part is that he keeps doing things to make it feel like I'm justified.  On the other hand, I have God telling me that I have to respect him; that I have to love him... love him!!! What the heck?  The person stills my joy whenever I see him. It's like an automatic reaction because I always see him as looking for something to benefit himself and that is just wrong.  It's wrong to feel that way because he can't possibly always be looking for some gain. I'm just really hoping that I see some good in him. I know he has it; I'm convinced.  I just don't' see it. 

It's weird when God tells you clearly that you have to love someone even when your very core tells you that you just don't want to.  It's a struggle and God doesn't forget to remind you at moment that He is always right.  He uses other people to do so; he uses your own mind even if your heart is stubborn.  I have prayed, a couple of times, for God to change my heart.  At the same time, I feel that one of the reasons why this is happening is because if I let this person have his way, I'd be taken advantage of.  At the same time, I know I am being taught a lesson here but it's not a very pleasant one.  In any event, I hope that God hears my prayer and allows me to let go of this "caution" which sometimes seems to be turning into resentment.  I do not want to do that because I know this person has good points, and probably even good intentions deep down past his emotional, egotistical needs.  he he. :) Also, I am very afraid that I may internalize some of his habits and reflect things that I find completely not kosher.  I do not want to emulate that aspect of the leadership I see and that worries me constantly.  It's all about love. If I can't love him, even his bad parts, I can't truly appreciate who he is, in his entirety.  Oh, God, please.  Let me develop a deep, filial love for this person so that I can see you through him and see your work in him regardless of what I think of the strategy.  Please, help me be more tolerant of him and his ways.  Please help me see what I'm doing wrong that doesn't allow me to change my feelings.  Please take over and change what needs to be changed.  Please help me love him.

it's been a while...

since i have really liked someone without effort.  guys that i have ended up somewhat liking have been so because after a while i seem analyze them and come to the conclusion that they're all right; or because there's some mystery and i feel like exploring;  or because they have showered me with attention, etc., etc.  however, lately... i have been very happy when i see a particular someone.  i can't control my smile when i see him.  he makes me giggle--sometimes out loud.  the only thing is that i have no clue who this guy is.  he goes to my church and plays an instrument, that's all i know.  i see him there on sundays.  however, i have never had a conversation with him. the only word we exchanged was "thank you," coming from  him as i made a gesture to push the a door i was walking through a bit longer so that the person behind me could also walk through.  the said "'thank you" in a deep voice and when i looked back it was him.  in classic 'moi' fashion i just gave a superficial smile and kept walking.  why? why?  i ask.  anyway, when i came from my DR vacation i was really happy to see him.  i was very, very surprised by that reaction and since then do not know what to do with it.  i obviously like that guy, but why? he's not like drop-dead handsome or anything to produce this. i have no point of reference as to what his character is and/or how he is.  regardless,  i like him, all of the sudden and with no real reason.  this is such a silly crush.

update:  i forgot to mention that he has a girlfriend apparently.  oh, the horror.  anyway, it's a crush not a relationship hijacking. i'm sure it will go away soon.  :) 

I know this trip changed my life...

I know, I know...  It may sound like an exaggeration but I think this trip will have long-lasting ramifications for me.  I’m not sure how but this trip will mark something in my life which I may or may not understand at the moment but I know it will do something.  As I prepared to leave I started to get nervous.  I’m not sure if  it was because of having to pack, and/or waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to oversleep or what, but I was “sobresaltada”.  I realized that my life was not necessarily what I want it to be and that I have to stop this prolonged quasi-adolescence that we have in the US and start living life in a way that show that I have made some progress.  I feel like I’m such a baby compared to people in the DR; people my age and older who have very adult lives and behave like it.  

If I can, I will live there again.  I think I can manage it.  I want to save some money and buy a piece of land in the campo—hopefully near Las Terrenas or something similar.  I would love to retire there if possible. But then, thinking of my friend and her friend, most of their conversations revolved around money and/or people who had it.  I do not want to live that way.  I felt bad for them at times because they just seemed so lost.  They seemed so focused on things of this world and at one point I realized that this is what grace is all about.  The fact that God can extend grace to us even when we choose to be so far away from him and his things just makes it so worthwhile.  I also realized that there’s really nothing I can do to change their hearts.  God has o do that.   However, I was frustrated because I wasn’t sure on what I could do to make the process easier.  I was waiting for an opportunity, an opening of sorts but I never really go one.  I don’t know what I should have done.  I did talk to my friend a bit but that was while driving to breakfast; not very substantial.  We the two nights I was there in the Jacuzzi gazing at the starts.  The second night Ivan made this amazing baked pork loin with a Jack Daniel’s marinade and salad, all with French olive oil from his brother-in-law’s place there, and some pink salt from the Himalayan mountains.  I was like, am I really in the DR?  He also had some really good Riesling.  We ate while watching Andrea Boccelli’s concert in Las Vegas on DVD.  It was just exquisite.  

I would love to live that life, focused on becoming rich and making myself known in with the people that matter so that I can achieve that goal.  However, I can’t.  I can’t just work for money.  I  have to work for something greater otherwise I feel like I’m not doing justice to the life I’ve been gifted.  I don’t want my days to be an endless spiral of strategies to get money and then spend it, or save it.  I want something more.  Unfortunately, I don’t know that there’s more to life than this.  

Las Terrenas & El Portillo

After driving from La Cumbre in Salcedo, we set off for Las Terrenas through the northeast countryside.  We asked for directions a couple of times; not because we were lost but because it seemed we were going nowhwere so it was best to make sure.  Lord! Those roads through the campos are the most jumpy I have ever been to.  Probably Aruba’s rock safari was comparable but not really.  In any event, we finally made it to Nagua and stopped, of course, at Chen’s.  Comedor Chen is this small restaurant facing the beach—a bit far from it, but facing it nonetheless—where this older woman has some of the best food you can eat on the eastern part of the island. We chatted with her and she said she has been there for more than 30 years, which is true because I have always seen that place there and I lived in Nagua when I was five  years old.  She started with a roadside stall and then moved to a better room location paying $70 pesos a month back then.  Then she moved to the current location which was then expanded.  She was so cute and fun to talk to.  We had crab meat in creole sauce, I had claws (muelas) and Wilma meat  (masa) with tostones and a Presidente Light along with a cereza juice.  We also got a side of beans because they made some of the best beans e-ver. 

On our way to Las Terrenas we stopped by my aunt’s house in Sanchez and then met Wilma’s friend, Ivan, to go up the mountain to then go down to our destination.  We drove through the cliffs and raggety roads to finally get to his house.  His wife is in France.  She left that same day to go give birth to their third child.  She is French and he is Dominican.  There’s a lot of French and Italian ex-pats there.  He’s an civil engineer, entrepreneur and previously tourism minister for the region.  His house is beautiful.  It’s simple yet elegant and very practical.  Here’s a picture of one side of the house.  We stayed in the pool house which was very comfortable.  His son Natan is 8 years old and a total riot. I like the kid.  But I liked one of the dogs more.  Lolo, he was my favorite; even if he wouldn’t let us out of the car every night barking and growling at us.  He’s a guard dog but totally cool—in daylight.  :) 

Our first night there we went out to this very nice beachfront place called El Mosquito.  It was the cutest bar with couches facing the water where we sipped on some caipirinhas while listening to the waves in dimed lighting.  It was nice.  There were some Americans next to us but everyone else was European except for some Dominican sanquinpankis accompanying them.  

{Alllow me to clarify what a sanquipanqui is.  Sanquipanquis are people, male or female, gay, straight or both depending on request, that “hang out” with tourist for a nominal fee, i.e. prostitutes.  They are not, however, your typical street corner prostitute.  They may be, but they “hang out” with tourist it seems for longer periods rather than by the hour or night.  They’re kinda like rent-a-boyfriends/gfs for your stay there.  You can totally tell which ones are sanquipanquis by the way they dress and/or the fact that you see a very, very, very dark—usually young—woman with an while European at all the different venues and/or beaches throughout the island. The no. 1 reason why people come to the DR is for its people, according to surveys.  I wonder if it is only for these type of people or just people in gerenal.  They tell me it is the latter but I really don’t think so. }

Anyway, after El Mosquito we headed to the place across the street for some music and possibly dancing.  There was no one there so we headed to another place.  Finally we decided to go into this place where all the locals go.  Well, all the locals in a bar/club on a Sunday night are the sanquis so it was quite surreal.   We were two of about 10 people who were not prostitute-looking folk out of like 50 to 60.   It was so much fun to be there but also so sad.  That must have been and STD breeding ground.  You probably could hardly breathe in there without catching one.  Even sadder was the fact that most of those people were little by little selling their dignity for money.  They were objectifying themselves for money.  They were literally selling their soul for money.  After a while, even with the two drinks I had in me, we left.   It was too much.  When we got home, Lolo, my favorite of the two very scary-looking dogs at the house, would not recognize us so we were trapped in the car for a bit until Ivan came to open the door.  It was hilarious.  We were in the car and the dog would bark/growl which would make us close the windows.   

The Capital and other happenings

Day two was interesting.  I headed out to my dad’s business to check things out.  It’s not the same as it was before when I was little but it is still standing. The economy has hit it pretty hard so it’s  a little sad to see that there are only 4 full time employees in addition to my dad, when usually there were about 7 and up to 10.  I hung out there for a while and then headed to see an old friend but she wasn’t home.  After I went to La Sirena which is the Dominican Walmart of sorts with lots of departments, a huge supermarket and wine store along with a food court.  I don’t see any Walmarts here so it’s probably because La Sirena type store and are nationally owned were smart enough to expand before a foreign entity could take over.   They have so much crap that it makes me wanna have a home here so that I can buy stuff.  At night I went to my aunt’s house and used the wireless Internet. 

The next day I went back to use the wireless Internet and ended up staying with my aunt all morning helping her in the kitchen because the cooking /cleaning lady had gone to the doctor’s office.  I did the dishes and help with food preparations.  It was good. I laughed a lot.  Afterwards I headed over to Santo Domingo, the capital, to meet up with my paternal siblings for the first time. It was an interesting meeting.  They met me at the hotel and we headed to an Italian restaurant right across from it—Il Capo.  The restaurant was nothing out of this world but it was good.  My “older” sister paid the bill.  Her name is Desiree and she is a lawyer working for a bank.  My brother, Vladimir and a year younger than me, is a publicist with a Masters from Spain and is looking for work currently.  They both have a 3 year old little girl and a 5 year old boy, respectively.  There were moments of awkward silence and moments for nervous chatter. We talked about Spain and work and looking for work.  Then we talked about our families and our father.  Afterward, we dropped Vladimir off at his house—his mother’s house—and Desiree and I went to a mall nearby to have coffee/tea.  We chatted for a while about our father and how my mother contacted her, etc.  There were moments where I felt a bit jealous where she mentioned that he would send her letters and stuff but that she wouldn’t open them.  He never really wrote me a letter of that I felt a bit left out.  However, given that he had a mental illness towards the latter part of his life, dealing with incoherent letters would have been too much for me to handle also.  I probably would not have read them either.  In any event, it was an interesting talk.  I feel that she has some resentment towards him still and wonder what the source of it is exactly.  She spoke negatively towards him at times.  Vladimir definitely has resentment towards him.  I totally got that from him.  In fact, Desiree mentioned that he didn’t want to go initially.  She didn’t force him either but he wasn’t that much into it to begin with, which I noticed as soon as we sat at the restaurant and he started watching the TV to his side.  Eventually he was quite chatty, when things focused more on what he cared about, i.e. his experience in Spain and looking for a job.  It was a surreal meeting for me.  They are my siblings; as much my siblings as the ones I grew up with are.  However, there is this abysmal distance between us.  I didn’t feel much warmth from them. I didn’t feel like they were "emphatically" looking to meet with me.  It felt like something that had to be done.  On my end, there wasn’t really much of affection felt for them. It was like hanging out with people that for a reason or another you happen to have to hang out with.  It felt like having to hang out with people from a new job but without the possibility of making new friends.   It was weird.  But I guess that will come with time. I'm not made of stone, you know? Towards the end of the it, my sister kept wondering why my father never brought me and them two together.  He definitely had the older brother and the other two hang out; and I hung out with the older brother but never with the other two.  I have a feeling that it was because of their mother.  I could bet money on the fact that she probably forbade it.  Anyway, I think they’re both very cool, especially the guy.  He seems like the artsy type that I would get along with and talk for hours about nothing really important but that sounds so.  I like his style a lot.   I think he’s kinda cool/hot. I’m looking forward to meeting up with my older brother who is in Philadelphia on vacation.  Go figure, when I come to DR he goes to the US.  I hope I catch him.  He sounds a lot more friendly and warm; like he really wants to meet with me.  I hope I can keep in contact with them and develop some sort of friendship.   After all, we are siblings. I have always wanted to "have" and older brother.  Maybe this will be it.   :)

Day 1 - continued

The guys whose names are Yampiel—which is the phonetic approximation of Jean Pierre but on his cedula it is Yampiel—and Juan, decided to go to Yampiel’s house to see if they found the office key. 

Thus, along go I with these two unknown gentlemen to what seems like a very rural municipality that doesn’t even have asphalt roads.  We get to their house and I stay in the car.  The look and look but can’t find the key.  Again, they decide to go back to the office but no luck, and then back to Yampiel’s house.  By this time I already knew how to get to his house.  Afterward, we stopped by the locksmith’s house but he was out, “working?” asks Yampiel, “no, just out,” says the woman who came out of the small house.  On our way back they find this guy on a scooter who apparently knows how to do this and they ask him to come.  They tried to pick the metal door’s look.  I was actually a glass door with a metal frame.  It doesn’t work.  They ask the neighbor for  hammer but he’s using it so they can’t use it.  Finally, they start hitting it with a screwdriver and a huge rock.  Here are the picture of the ordeal.  It was so funny.  They were all laughing because when my friend’s brother—their boss—got there he would be screaming about it.  Yampiel actually thought that he left the key on top of a car and it disappear.  But since he’s car was broken into twice in the past month and his wallet stolen he was going to lie about it and say that the key had been stolen too.  After much hammering and laughing, the lock was broken—piece by piece.  Right then and there came Jhonny, the boss.  When Yampiel told him that they had to break the lock because the key was stolen, Jhonny goes, “I have the key! You liar!” It was hilarious. 

Afterward, he sent the guys to get me fresh coconut water and to exchange some money for me.  While waiting for them I had an amazing conversation with my friend’s brother with whom I never had spoken more than 2 minutes with.  We talked about God and how he had been searching for God in the past but how he feels his life is not ready to commit to a relationship with him.  I told him that everything has its time but to not wait too long because committing to God is a process and we are never ready but He makes us ready. He told me a bunch of personal stuff which really surprised me since he seemed like a very distant borderline arrogant person prior to this.  I had seen him many times before but we  had never really talked  much.  He’s a bit older so that may be part of it.  Then I asked him if I could pray for him to which he said that I shouldn’t waste my time.  I said I just wanted to bless him with a prayer and so I did.  It was short and to the point but I felt the need to bless this man who apparently needs to fill a void in his hear but seems to be confused as to how.  We talked about his kids, his life in New York city, his mother’s illness and death, his lifestyle and how he wants to change it but has a lot of pressure not from friends, etc., we talked about everything.  Throughout the whole conversation I could not believe my eyes and ears.  Then it started pouring, we were under this hut-type structure like a terrace of sorts surrounded by old, classic cars which he collects---a 1970ish Benz, an ford truck from the 50’s maybe and an convertible Oldsmobile from I don’t know when. There was also a Harley.  The rain started to hit us and we moved closer to the center of the structure and kept talking.  It was so surreal.  It looked like the flood and then, 20 minutes later, it stopped and the blazing sun came out again.  We kept talking for probably two hours and finally he called the airport to ask for my suitcase.  They said the flight had been delayed and now it would get here at 5:45pm.  We agreed that he would get it for me and send it in a cab since it wasn’t safe for me to drive at night.  I don’t know what happened but by the time he and set out to escort me to the highway it was 5:15pm so we decided that I would go to the next town over to pick up a car that was at the mechanic and then go to pick up the suitcase.  Finally, I went to the airport and got my suitcase, not without a wait of course.  I’m amazed as to how laid back people here are and how the notion of good customer service is completely different from the US.  In any event, I left the airport to SFM at around 7pm and it was already dark.  I was a bit scared because I had never driven through there at night by myself.  Plus, everyone kept saying that it was very dangerous for Dominicans that live here to do that let alone me.  In any event, I made it home rather quickly and with nothing abnormal.  It was a good drive. 

what a trip! day 1 part 1

i'm in the DR for the next 9 days.  it has been such an adventure so far.  first i didn't sleep the night before because i had to do my laundry so that i could pack some clean clothes for my trip.  then, since my flight was at 7am i had to get to the airport on time.  i called a cab to pick me up at 4:30am and they were there right on time.  as we set out for the trip through the jamaicaway, it was pouring like crazy. the rain just seem to be ready to finish anything it encounter plus the wind and lighting every so often.  when the old haitian cab drive turn on the heat to defog the windows it didn't work. everything started to fog up and he had to stop with his blinking lights on so try to fix it. eventually he gave up and turned on the AC.  go figure! the AC! i was freezing. so i get to the airport and my bag was 43 pounds which was good but i really don't know what i packed in there to make it so heavy.  then the guy tells me that my flight to NYC is delayed 50 minutes that that it leaves at 8:50.  then i asked him, well what happens to my trip to DR.  so he put me on stand-by for the 6:05am flight so that I didn't miss my connection.  there i found this woman from church with her little girl, she was also an ESOL student when i was at HERC. she was also on stanby.  finally they start boarding and i get on but she's left back. i felt bad.


the flight to NYC was pretty turbulent since it was raining so bad. my little PTSD kicked in.  while at the connection at JFK I attempted to withdraw money with my ATM and then realized i had not called BOA to tell them I was travelling so I did that. Thank God!  The flight to DR was nice. I slept. no one was beside me so it was comfortable.  Then i get to the airport.  I wait at baggage claim.  My bag is not there.  I wait. Nope, no light blue hardshell suitcase. I go to baggage claim and there's no one.  I wait. Then I go to baggage claim again and talk to the guy. in the imterim, there was this other guy that i had seen from my flight in Boston and he was also missing his bag.  i told him that I thought our bags had been delyaed since our original flight was delayed.  We both went to baggage claim. He was such a thug--covered in tattoos and with what appeared to be really bag braces or a grill.  not sure. i didn't want to stare.  i got a form to pick up my bag later and they told me that it was on the next flight at 4:15pm.   I was afraid that the guy who was picking me up would leave.

when i come out.there's really no one at the waiting area.  then i see these two little thugs with a hand-written sign that read, "Yassier Fernandez." no capitalizatoin whatsoever.  i go to them and they take me to pick up the car i was renting from my friend's brother who has a rent-a-car place.  good thing becuase the car they picked me up in was horrendous. as we go to the place it's not the place i had seen years ago so automatically i start trying to memorize where i'm going in case i have to run back. :) they looked like they had just been sniffing something so it's natural that i'd be a bit worried. cut me some slack. i get to the place and they can't find the key to the office. typical DR... i'm going to stop here because the internet cafe bill is going to be high and I haven't exchanged my money yet.  but it gets better! :)

i got a job! whoohoo...

for the past year i have been waiting the fate of my federally funded program.  it's been a while since we knew that all funding for abstinence education had been cut by Prez Obama. in fact, that's the first thing he slashed upon taking office.  it was kinda crazy.  i couldn't really look for a job because i had to end things now.  but i also had to wait until something came through since God was in the mix.  it was a total faith exercise of sorts.  not say that there weren't moments when i looked at those idealist daily messages to see what kind of jobs were coming up; or that when my dear friends suggested i send my resume because they had put in a good word for me at this agency that was looking for a Director of Fundraising--I was very touched by their care;  or that there were moments were I'd be like, "shoot, in a couple of weeks i will not have a job and i do not have 6 months worth of savings in case it takes me as long as it took my brother to find a job.  everything was up in the air.  i was contemplating moving to NYC or to DC if this was God's way of telling me to move on. i was thinking of maybe going abroad and teaching English in Japan for a while, which i still want to do but it's not possible right this minute.  anyway, it was hectic emotionally.  not to mention that the women i work with decided that they were not going to look for a job either.  i'm not sure what my role in that was but as the director of the program i felt a bit responsible every time i said that i knew everything was going to be find for me because i felt that God was just going to come through. i always specified, though, that whether i stayed or had to leave something good would come out of it.  i just knew it.  so with that, when they said they'd stay put until the very end, i felt a bit anxious about that.  even though it had nothing to do with me really, it still felt heavy.

well, on tuesday morning at 10am i was packing my bags to leave; and on tuesday morning at 10:15am i was in a car with my boss with as much relief as i could possibly feel after listening to his 45 second conversation with the federal program officer stating that we had been awarded the 3M grant we asked for.  i'm still processing the whole thing but i am certain of something: God is faithful, and this was a miracle. there were so many qualified applicants that didn't get this money, and we, the baby, got it! it was so competitive that i had my doubts.  in any event, i have a job.  we can continue our work.  i don't know how long i'll be there but i know that it has been good.   i told my boss that i felt like Abraham and Isaac.  he thought i meant I was Abraham and that God had rewarded my faith, but I meant Isaac.  i was about to be slaughtered and obliterated; waiting with anticipation for a fate that was somewhat obvious but that i chose to ignore and pretended not to notice.  then, at the very last minute i was spared.  it was such a sense of relief and gratitude for it.  i think i was also being grateful not because God provided but because i had been rebellious.  i was being rebellious by to pleading to God to save me; not crying before him to provide.  i kinda said, "well, you got me into this God, now you clean it up."  i think it was arrogance.  at the same time.  i cried before him, a lot, really a lot, when my boss just dumped the proposal on my lap and i had to spend the worst three weeks of my professional career so far.  it was excruciatingly painful for me to just have to do something that in my eyes was his job and he just decided to "delegate" with no explanation as to what, when, how, why.  not to mention that i had never written  a proposal that required so much and a federal RFP at that.  so my tears weren't for deliverance but for anger and a sense of injustice, which now i feel God heard and part of it was answered by this. not to mention, that all other people who pleaded, my boss, included make up that mosaic of prayers and petitions for this situation to be resolved.

at any rate, when i heard the news i didn't scream nor did i cry.  i texted my colleagues and said, "praise god! ladies, we have a program officer." it's almost as if what i was expecting all along happened and it was almost de facto.  there wasn't really a surprise because God is that faithful.   i don't know what that means and/or what i have to fix in my way of thinking or seeing God but i just feel that this is an expected blessing and He came through.  :)

i'm in love with weddings...

Becca's wedding was so gorgeous.  I guess events reflect people's personalities and hearts; this one was no exception.  It was simple elegance and just a genuine feeling of joy. I really, really enjoyed it.  It makes me want to get married.  Her dress was so beautiful.  The venue was breathtaking. The ceremony was just fun and unique.  I was very touched.   It was hilarious when Time, Anne and I were leaving the hotel we bumped into Rick's cousins who were taking the limo to the wedding venue and asked us if we wanted to ride along.  The funny par it that the venue was--literally--across the hotel and the limo had to go around the block so that we could reach a place that would have taking a total of 2-3 minutes to walk to.  It was funny.  And it was a full limo! For like 15 people?  And there we were, 5 of us going around the block.  I guess Chinese people are big on limos for weddings. The rabbi officiating was very old which is why I think he was just so hilarious.  I was cracking up with him even if he didn't meant to be funny.  During the reception we were assigned to the "Boston" table which might as well have been yuppie Asian table.  Except for Tim, Olive--this Chilean girl who looks as blond as blond can be--and me, everyone else was Asian (Chinese-, Philipino-, and Thai-American).  We dance, dance to disco, hip-hop, banghra, and jewish music.  It was really funny when one of the guys at the table asked me if I was Daniel's date for the night. Daniel is this guy who read a poem at the wedding and who happens to be clearly gay.  Everyone at the table new it but I guess that we kept laughing and talking--he sat next to me--so it seemed as if we were together. I thought his question was cute.  Afterwards we all went to the hotel bar for drinks. I had an early flight the morning after so I passed the bar gig and went to bed--I was there for 10mins out of courtesy but after a whole night with overachievers who have all these superficial conversation that I don't really care about, I was ready to leave.  They were a fun bunch, and I liked them all.  I was just tired of forced chitchatting.  :)  

Anyway, I had so much fun! I was really happy for Bec and think that they'll have a wonderful, complimentary marriage.  It seems that way. 

I was really surprised that I wasn't tired towards the end of it since I  had spent the day waling around the mall at Towson and Baltimore in general. O.M.G. I will have an individual blog entry on this crab cake I had a Lexington market.  It was to D-I-E for.  The ghettoest of places, but the best crab cake I've ever had so far.  All in all, the trip to Baltimore was nice. Even the Indian cab driver taking me to the airport was awesome.  All he had to do was show pictures of his family.  :)

Charm City here I comes!

Apparently, that’s Baltimore’s nickname.  Not sure where it comes from so I’ll have to look it up.  I saw it on the Light Rail posters on my way from the airport.  It was an uneventful flight.  I seem to be getting over my little PTSD from my Iberia scare about 3 years ago but I still feel a bit uneasy about planes dipping in mid-air.  Anyway, I made may way from the airport to the Center St. stop on the light rail and for a minute seemed to be getting lost.  Eventually, after withstanding the humidity in this place, I found the hotel.  Peabody Court Hotel is not oohhh-aaaahhhh amazing but it’s cute.  It has an old elegance feel to it and it’s comfortable.  Right across the street is the Baltimore Book Festival so after dropping off my bags I went to check it out.  It was cool. Lots of books. He he. I decided to walk towards Lexington Market which apparently is the place to go for good crab cakes.  In the span of about a block I went from brick-posh, Manhattan like affluent neighborhood to like… well, the ghetto. Totally the ghetto.  I got a bit scared there for a minute but I couldn’t turn back.  I have this thing when I’m in a new city where apparently I blend in well since random people ask me for directions.  It’s really weird.  I’m like, “I have a giant camera hanging from my shoulder and seem to be quiet informally dressed on a weekday morning, what on earth does not show you that I’m a tourist?”  It’s amusing.  So I was walked down ghettoland… it was so ghetto that the jewelry store at a corner had a 6-foot poster with pictures of grills, as in for your mouth.  I thought that was classic.  Anyway, as I walked down the street there seem to be a lot of traffic—it was rush hour 5/6pm—and cars where stopped at a red light.  Suddenly, I hear this guy going, “Excuse me. Excuse me.  Can I ask you a question?”  I don’t know why I paused my walk but I figured it would be the polite thing to do.  I said I guess and he goes, “If I tell you that I’m falling in love with you, would you believe me?”  It was so lame.  This tough looking black dude in a giant SUV asking me that lame question.  I looked at him, smiled and said, “uh, nope,”  and proceeded with my walk.  It was funny.  When I got to junkie-land, which is the Lexington Market area, the place was closed.  There was this black-panther-throwback Muslim guy with a van and a speaker “preaching” about the Quran and then singing some weird 70s disco song.   It was quite an adventure.  I headed back to the hotel since it was getting dark and ordered room service. As I walked in, my friend Becca and her wedding peeps were heading out to the rehearsal dinner.  She said they’d get drinks later and would call but afterwards I just wanted to go to bed and did just that.  That’s my first day in Baltimore. I kinda like it.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings.  Can’t wait for the wedding!

hmmm...

hello world! it's been a while.  i have been busy with lots of things: moving, work grant ending, end-of-year activities, funeral, etc., etc.   

i'm getting used to my college world.  i should say my weird college world.  i'm one of the few non-japanese around here.  everyone else is a japanese female--except for janitorial staff which is hispanic, and cafeteria staff who are haitian.   it's almost like a little parallel universe here.  i haven't had much chance to interact with the girls.  i'm in the lounge now available for homework help and i can't stop laughing about this one girl.   she is one of those borderline "japanese bar hostess" looking girls.  she wears huge fake eyelashes everyday, and really, realy pink blush.  her hair is dyed blonde. her style is almost like this one except that the hair is not curly but straight but with the same gigantic bangs.   anyway, so she is talking to her friend in Japanese about this guy that she met at Copley and who gave her his email address.  then she comes to me because she wants to write to him and doesn't really know what to say.   first of all, she just got the email about an hour ago.  so for her to email him right away, it find it funny. but then she says that she asked him for the email. mind you, this girl's english is somewhat limited but she managed to ask him for his email.  then she says that she doesn't like him and that he has a girlfriend but that she likes another boy that also works at the store and that's why she wants to become friends with boy no. 1.  she also said that she told him so.   i kinda helped her a little with maybe what to say and told her i'd proofread it if she wanted to.  the message was like, "i'm in my dormitory now.  i wanna be a friend to you. i'm waiting for your message back."  there was more but i just thought it was so funny.   she sent her message to him so i'll wait to ask her what happened.   i'm looking forward to a possible story.  she' hasn't been here even a week!  i love these girls.

this week i attended a funeral for a dear friend.   a lady from my church who was just great and loving.  she died from cancer and although it wasn't a shock, it still is difficult.  she was one of those people that loved me always and i really never did anything special.  she just made me feel loved and accepted that way.   in any event, i haven't been to many funerals in my life but this one was my first full funeral as an adult.  it was very sad.  i didn't think it would be very emotional for me but it was.  it was weird that the interment wasn't the saddest part but a song that her grandchildren dedicated for her.  i cried quite a bit.

two conclusions

lately, as a result of interactions with someone, i have come to two very clear conclusions:

1.  i very much dislike men who can not decide and/or stand their ground; and
2.  i lose respect for someone who is easily manipulated and/or swayed without even attempting to formulate their view on a particular issue. 

this is the case with a guy that i work with in a committee.  he is the most indecisive person ever. granted that he is the only guy in a committee of 5 with at least 3 very opinionated women, but still, he could very well take that as an advantage rather than a weak point.  during a meeting he fluctuates between a number of opinions, never his own.  after the meetings, when he has had an earful from another committee member who also happens to be someone that he was in a very tumultuous romantic relationship, he emails and changes his mind.  what the heck? why on earth would he not just voice his view when we are all together rather than waiting until the middle of the night to send an email on a topic that we had already covered and death with?  it puzzles me. i dislike seeing people that are such pushovers because as much as i want to value their opinion, i cannot really respect them. i can never really know if that's their own, well-formulated and thought out perspective, or if they are just adopting it out of fear and/or complacency. 

for example, this guy, i think he has a lot to offer. i believe he is an intelligent man with clear, good points.  however, he's so scared of whatever it is that he's scared of that he never really brings anything to the table except in situations where he is feeling attacked and then explodes--which by the way, i have only seen twice in about a year and half. 

in women, i do not see this trait much because women are chatty and eventually something comes out.  that's why i dislike this most in men.  there's something reassuring about a man that knows his place and is confident with who he is and what he has to offer.  that's an attractive trait--both romantically and in friendship.  you do not have to be loud to project that; a quite man can be just as confident as a not-so-quiet one.  in my opinion, many times loud people lack confidence and must find it somewhere else, i.e. noise.  but anyway, this guy drives me nuts. i have been meaning to chat with him at one point, very amicably and respectful, of course, to tell him how i think he's way of handling conflict/diversity of opinion/decisions sometimes is not the most effective one.  you can't wait until you get home to type an email that clearly affects the discussion we just had for a half hour.  what's up with that? 

i am really going to have to pray for wisdom on this one because i do not want to perpetuate my pushover idea of him any further.   i just want him to voice his concerns and not be so susceptible to other people's manipulations, including mine.  i really want to respect him and show him respect.  it's just so difficult when he doesn't seem to respect his own judgement. 

i'm not sure if i mentioned this earlier but my mother had a chat with my paternal brother in DR and brought back his info with her.  i am horrible at calling people, which along with the awkwardness of contacting a person that i met once or twice but never saw again in 25+ years, make the recipe a bit difficult.  well, finally, after some indirect pressure and his diligent follow-up, i spoke with him today.  it was very weird.  i felt like i was chatting with someone that i had met at the supermarket and/or online and we were have a pre- romantic date convo.  there was a sense of awkwardness, nervousness, anxiety, and overall what-the-heck-is-going-on-here-and-why-me? kinda feeling. 

the conversation was pleasant and he definitely sounds a bit older brother-ish.  i smiled a number of times with some comments which illustrate how different we are culturally and emotionally.  i am going to a wedding in DR next month so we are coordinating a meeting along with my paternal siblings (sis + bro).  things are a bit difficult because apparently he is coming to Philly when i'm in DR and I can't stay later because there are other weddings i have to attend, pre- and post- DR, in MD and MA.  we'll see what happens. i thought it was endearing for him to close his first voicemail message with "te quiero mucho. un abrazo". i definitely would not have said that to a person that i don't really know and with whom i share half a genetic pool but no sense of familiarity.  he sounds like a cool guy. i'm looking forward to knowing him more and becoming his sister.  we'll see what new adventures are in store for me with this....

geesh.  i have had a couple of busy days lately.  it's all good though! i finally put all my junk in storage--thanks to all my dear family members and friends.  i am already at my new place, enjoying the borderline surreal scenery around.  it's all working out fine.

last night i went to a birthday party for the young profs group at church.  it was very nice.  they rented out the lower level at Ivy's downtown and Rupert was the DJ. it was so funny.  the music selection was great.  i got to dance a bit which was good since it had been a while. i also got to talk this guy that i see at church all the time but had never really talked to before.  i think it's nice when that happens because now it's easier to relate and greet him at church.  it was his birthday also.

today, i had brunch with Courtney in JP at Miami and then headed for some Dominican cake.  we sat on the grass at Showa and as always had a pretty good time. afterwards, i went to the Dedham mall with Sarah to watch Inception--review to follow--and had dinner at PF Chiangs.  all in all it was a good day spent with great peeps.  i am happy.

i know i [something] him...

when i accommadate his disastrous travel plans so that we can see each other albeit for a couple of hours;  when i choose to forgive his forgetfulness; when i smile when he looks;  when i dream of being by his side and just being; when the two hundred things i don't like about him fade in comprarison to the three i do like; when i wished he loved God as much as he loves his dog; when it hurts because he doesn't love God and it means that even if it could it wouldn't be;  when i feel like i don't love him and yet the mere thought of his  makes me smile;  when i keep silent because there's so much to say and so little to do. 

pumpkin cake a la nut

this is pretty sad.   i spent the whole day today packing my junk away to haul it to the storage facility  i rented.  in the midst of it all i realized that i had a lot of flour left and decided to bake a cake. unfortunately, i didn't have any milk.  in order to make it a bit moist, i decided to use a can of smash pumpkin that i had from ages ago and which never materialized into a pumpkin pie.  i had a bit of soy milk left and i figured that between that and the moisture from the pumpkin it would be good.  i preheated the oven. i got the butter semi-melted; mixed the sugar and flour; added the rest of the stuff; and decided to spice things up with a bit of ground cinnamon and nutmeg.  now, mind you, i am a nutmeg freak. i love nutmeg in my hot drinks (coffee, chai, hot chocolate, ponche, eggnog, etc.).  thus, when it came to the ground nutmeg part i took the bottle and proceeded to put lots of it in my soon-to-be delicious cake.  however, i took a gander at it and realized that the nutmeg was quite red.  then i looked at the bottle and read:  "cayenne pepper!!" which was then followed by a the question, "what the hell am i doing?!" needless to say, i frantically started to scrape the industrial quantity of cayenne pepper i had put in my cake.  i had to throw away about a quarter of the batter.  i put more sugar in case it was needed and more Cinnamon.  it was baked a 350 degrees for an hour and when it came out, the outside looked like a normal-ish bundt cake but the inside was closer to a pumpkin pie consistency.  quite funky yummy if i may add.  you can't really taste the cayenne pepper except for a tiny spicy/hot bit on your palate as an aftertaste. besides that, it's quite edible. when my roommate walked in she immediately asked if she could have a piece because i looked pretty good. i warned her first about my little mishap but she gulp it down nonetheless.  i am going to claim that as a success for now.

divine appointments

this weekend i went to a retreat with the young professionals at my church.  it's not your typical retreat because this group is a bit spiritually immature and our agenda is not as beefy as a regular retreat would be. there's a lot of socializing now in the group and that inevitably takes away from the spiritual part of it which should be the main point but in reality is secondary.  one of our leaders is very bend on community and that kinda drives the whole approach.  i like community but i'm also left wanting a lot more than that.  in any event, God always comes through and blesses us even if we don't even know what we're doing half the time.

at the retreat there was this guy who is friends with one of the members.  this guy was not a christian and if you see him on the street he is as thug-looking as any other cat out there.  he would take a break here and there to go smoke outside and spent most of the time listening to his ipod nano to very, very loud rap music.  the whole nine years (tupac, ludacris, 50, etc., etc.).  he even tried to play the music on the sound dock at the pool! at a spiritual retreat, mind you.  i kept bugging him to take off his earphones so that he could hear what people were saying to him.  the first night i went out for a walk and i think i saw him sitting under a tree.  it was dark so i don't know if it was him, for sure.  the last day i asked him if he had been sitting under a tree outside the first night and he said no, so maybe it was all part of "the plan".  i don't know why but i felt this need to have him integrated in the group.  i really wanted him to not feel left out and/or to feel that he was different from the rest, which i believe that he was not.  however, he was a guest and one with the tendency to be a quiet loner submerged in his music. by the way, he's a rapper wanna-be too, i guess.  i just really, really wanted him to be happy and smile, which he didn't do much. he has this tough exterior and somewhat defiant look but at the same time he comes across as very genuine and kind.  sometimes it seems as if  he's shy but i don't know.

i spent the weekend joking with him so much about his out earphone music that at one point i took his iPod away and gave him mine.  mine is newer so it was a fair trade and at least has some "holy" music.  silly me didn't realized that he had an iPhone also, so it made no difference.  the last day we had a small service at the house as an end to the retreat along with the small congregation that meets there to worship.  God blessed us with an amazing time and the Spirit just filled the place.  he felt uncomfortable and left.  Myra and i kept wanting him to come in so that we could pray with him but he wouldn't.  all of the sudden, this lady says that the Lord wants her to say that:  there is someone here who feels like they should not be here.  one who feels that they are not worthy to be here. that He [God] wants you here as much as anyone else.  that you belong here.  that he wants to know you just as much, etc., etc.  i gave up on the thought of praying for him and felt that God would reel him in in due time.  i went downstairs to get my bags since we were leaving soon and when i went to the foyer to put my bags by the door, what do i find?  i find this the lady, whose name now i now (Evelyn) speaking with him, praying for him and another older woman standing next to him.  he's face was to the door, and his back to me.   she was speaking/praying that God loved him, that He was looking to show him His love, and a number of other things.  this woman was truly anointed.  as i stood there with my hands "impuestas" towards him but not touching him, i just felt drawn to hug him; hug him really hard. for some reason i didn't, i hesitated because i didn't know him; because it would be weird to hug someone from behind when i don't even know them; because he was a strange male and it may be inappropriate;  for a number of silly reasons.  he seemed to have been crying because his hands appeared to be wiping tears away--since he wasn't facing me, i couldn't see.  a couple of minutes later, the anointed lady says, "you need to be hugged." and she hugs him very hard, while saying "this is a hug from God." at that moment i hugged him too.  we both hugged him and he cried.  she was praying for him and saying things that God put in her heart for him.  it was such an amazing moment.

after about 10 of minutes of intense hugging this guy--she did; i was intermittently hugging him and touching his shoulder--she then started a deliverance-ish prayer for God to break down barriers within him.  at that point she started pushing his hands and he moving backwards.  since i was behind him, i also was being pushed back.  there came a point where he couldn't resist anymore and he fell.  he fell right in my arms and i was in this state of shock/awe/pain/fear/joy/discomfort/etc./etc./etc.  here i am, crushed between a sharp, foyer shelf and full grown man who while not being fat is very heavy becuase although lean he's all muscle and that weighs. it was very uncomfortable because i couldn't just let him go; there was no room, and the lady was in his face--and by extension almost mine.  but also it just felt weird to have to have this stranger on me.  he literally was being supported by my body since i couldn't hold him with just my arms.  despite the discomfort i knew that God wanted to touch this guy's heart and mind. so i kept praying along with the two ladies with my hand on his heart and at her request one hand on his stomach.  this went one for what felt like 10-15, or maybe 20 minutes, who knows maybe even more. i don't know.  i was sweaty, ecstatic, pumped, scared; all at the same time.  she finished praying and we took him to a couch in at the entrance of the living room.  there, i said a short prayer to his spirit and left him on the couch.

after i had something to eat and he got up from the couch, we started talking about the whole thing. this other girl Anny was talking with us but she had no idea of what had happened so she was telling him how God could change his life, etc. but although a good message, it was not within the context.  asking him how he felt, he said that he left the room during he service because he was angry. that he took his bag and put it under the car and walked out because he felt that it wasn't for him.  that he didn't belong nor did he want to be there.  but then he came back and stood by the door because... well, he never told me why or i don't remember. i told him that he had to meet God half way.  that God wanted to love him, and that i knew that he wanted to love God back.  but that God was not going to force His way into his life if he didn't want to.  i mentioned that i didn't know him, that i could care less about him but that God had put love in my heart for him.  not because i liked him or because i was attracted to him.  to me he looked like a punk--yes, i called him a punk, just like that, which now i wonder what on earth possessed me to seriously say to someone that they look like a punk--but that God had put this love/burden for him in my heart and that now i understood why i wanted him to put his iPod away and listen; engage with the group; to smile and laugh with us.  he was looking me in the eye and listening, nodding and his eyes were all watery.  then he cried.  this one long, dense tear.  at that point i told him again, that God wanted to love him but that he had to meet him half way. i told him that God would deal with anything he needed to change step by step; that if he needed to quit smoking God would lead him to do so; or quit any other things that weren't right in his life.  the first step was to open his heart to Him.  that would be the first step to start the process. he listened.  i asked him if he had ever accepted Jesus into his heart and if he wanted to do it.  he nodded! he said yes!  and right then and there, at that house's front doorstep or semi-porch, whatever that's called,  and with rain falling on the rose bushes, he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior.  right then and there he became a son of God and a new person.  i told him that and we both smiled.  we stood there for a couple of minutes; silently.  i asked him if he wanted to tell everyone that and announce it to the group and he not yet.  Myra came shortly after and i asked him if i could tell her and he said yes.  i left them talking.   when i came back and Sarah behind me, he asked me with a smile on his face, "did you tell her?" so i did and we all congratulated him.  and i was just in awe God amazing grace and faithfulness.

i am convinced that i went to that retreat so that i could be part of this experience. not to make it happen, of course not, but to be part of it.  to be ministered to by this guy's experience.  to be humbled and to see myself reflected in him.  to see the power of a living God that goes to amazing lengths to let us know that he loves us like no other can.  i am convinced that this is another lesson for me which i have not completely understood and that as i told this guy, will have lots of truth coming out of it for a long time. just as i advised him, i am to mediate on it and allow for God to distill his knowledge, wisdom and grace over and over as i think of it.  seeing a soul come to God that way, it's just a joy that can't be explained.