darn green line silence.... so embarassing

so this morning i'm waiting for the green line at reservoir wondering if my gorgeous israeli fellow T commuter is round.  he apparently went somewhere on vacation because i haven't seen him all week. i also couldn't smell is intoxicating strong Joop cologne anywhere so he's definitely not around.  i'll talk about him later if i remember.

anyway, back to my original point.  i didn't have dinner last night. nor did i have breakfast before leaving--darn cafeteria holiday schedule. it's all good, i thought, because i'm having breakfast at the office.  the it started.  as i stood next to the dignified-looking, financial district fellow wit the WSJ, my stomach started its own version of the Boston Pops. how embarrassing.  to make matters worse, everyone was so darn quiet!  it's like the cold had frozen everyone and they just wanted to make air space for the sounds emanating from my mid-section.  i was mortified.  as soon as i heard the minimal squeak i would stomp my foot slightly, pretending to shake the snow off my boots; or i would "sumirme" by holding my breath in hopes that it would go away. i wanted to die.  it's like i was farting in public or something!  why? why me?  i put my little Jane Austen book down because i couldn't concentrate on Emma and Mr. Knightley's conversation.  i just wanted a whole lot of noise to take over that platform.  finally, after a minor delay, the train came and the world came to life.  i was free to let my stomach growl as much as it wanted. 

Ah Christmas...

after much deliberation, i decided to head to my familia for Christmas.  my mom asked a number of times and so i decided to head over and spend some quality time with grams, mom, bro and sis--or so i thought.  my brother picked me up and as we drove i found out that his girlfriend was coming over too.  i don't dislike the girl but she gets on my nerves.  i think she's very clingy and needy.  my brother travels for work most of the time and gets back on fridays usually.  the chick is at my mom's house even before he gets there.  she then sees him on saturday and then most likey on sunday--it seems.  so he has no time to really catch up with family and such.  for the Christmas holiday she came to my house on friday nigh, then he went to her house on saturday, and on sunday, they had planned to watch a movie but because of the snow storm they cancelled, i think.  she seems to call every time i'm with him, which is not often.  apparently he wants me to bond with her but i'm just not feeling it.  then whenever i see her at my mom's house she's in his room and what the heck am i going to be in there watching my younger brother slobber over someone's face.  ok, maybe not that bad...

sorry, i went off a tangent there.  so dinner.  it was fun.  we ate a simple meal and laughed most of it off with my grandmother and her stories.  actually, stories of how all of us--my mom included--have prank called her in English and she seems to just fall each and every time.  poor thing. she's turning 80 this year but still, she's a bit slow in that sense.  i bought some gifts for my mama, mami, bro, sis.. and the clingy girlfriend--sorry. :) she got me cupcakes so i shouldn't dub her as clingy.  however, all i wanted for Christmas were earmuff, which i didn't get.  nor did i get any other present from my family. so much for the spirit of the season.... ha ha

we rented some movies to watch and my younger sister crashed our family gathering with her boyfriend and his brother and his brother's wife.  quite the scene... three couples and I watching grown-ups. my sister's boyfriend is quite handsome but the kid is nuts.  i think we laughed so hard with the movie not because it was funny but because he has this "mad-scientist-deranged-jealous-wife-about-to-give-birth laugh of sorts that just makes you want to bring him to america's funniest home videos.  hilarious. his brother's wife, it turns out, worked with me all of last year.  she was on staff for the organization that provided the curriculum for my program. she was so chatty; she would not stop talking.  maybe she was nervous.  they would not leave.  after the movie was over my dorky brother started fiddling with the jenga game y pa' que fue eso, they started playing too! after saying goodbye and with their coats on!! finally i went into my brother's room to see if they would get the hint but that didn't even make a dent. nananina.

the rest of the time there i spent watching movies. i watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latinfah two times, "The Kids are All Right" we watched together with my mom.  that was interesting.  the movie has a number of sex scenes with clearly naked people.  my mom was giggly at one point. her mouth was wide open at one point when Julianne Moore and the other lady were doing their thing as a lesbian couple.  it was an interesting movie to watch but i don't think i liked it. Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, was just yummy.  he's the reason i rented it.  after Johnny Depp his my 2nd favorite actor. i like the roles he chooses. they're usually such a space-cadet-looking but really unconventionally-smart-sexy characters.  sorry, i digress again. 

anyway, sunday night in the middle of the blizzard--which i found out about from a facebook status about an hour prior--my brother drove me home.  you could hardly see anyone while on the highway. it was kinda fun, although too slow.    when i got home i slept and have been doing so most today too.  love me some snow days! :)

p.s. i'm still looking for earmuffs so hopefully tomorrow i can procure me some furry ear-friends to sport in the snow.

darn gum... darn gum!!!!

really, how do you tell a 45+ year old woman that she sounds like a cow when she chews gum?  how does one tell her that it is not proper office etiquette when i can hear her chew her gum two cubicles over?  how!?! hoooow!  loud chewing in the wrong context is just so wrong to me and it's probably the thing that gets me angry automatically.  but i guess this is one of those moments to exercise love, compassion, mercy, etc. and stay shut as my colleague seems to have an unlimited supply of gum to make her mouth happy. she has been chewing for like the past two weeks straight, even at a training with an outside vendor--granted, everyone had piece after lunch, but she kept hers for like the whole darn afternoon.   arggg!!! it's driving me crazy.   really, it doesn't appear to you that that's not proper office etiquette when everyone else is not doing it. maybe all the noise coming from her open mouth is not allowing her to notice others around her.  i know i just need to suck it up and just let it be but i have to say something, somewhere.   if only i could use some duck tape...

random encounters...

on Monday i was on my way to work earlier than usual because we had a week-long training with  a team from UPenn. they came to teach us how to train others in our program curriculum which they developed.  anyway, i called a cab to come pick me up since it was to early to take our shuttle.  as i got in the cab i told the driver where to go and he took a longer route than usual so i asked if he could please go down another street since i was in a hurry.  as i sat there i started to listen to the song he was playing and i felt so touched by it.  it was in gospel song in French.  it was titled "Perseverez".

here's the video:



in my Crown discipleship i had learned on Sunday that our deeds will be judged and recompensed depending on our intentions. i told the cabbie that and that this would be one of those things; where he lifted my spirit and gave me hope at the beginning of a very tough week. he blessed me without knowing me and/or intending to just by choosing that song to praise God in his cab.

we started talking and Frantz--that's his name--told me about his life and how he plays worship music in the cab and some people like it, others don't, etc. i told him what i did and gave him my card. he gave me his and said he would email me to send me the contact information. it was a great moment. he gave me an indirect word of encouragement and i gave him words of encouragement. God works in a amazing ways. he emailed me the information and i responded. i was really grateful for God's faithfulness and his reminder that he has not forgotten me. :) he knew i needed something to start that week where i would be facing a number of difficult decisions and lots of things to do as a result. i have been feeling pretty alone lately and God has been faithful to send me all these reminders that he's got my back. i just feel that in the midst of my daily chaos He's there, standing firm. i feel reassured even if i do my best to mess everything up. my encounter with Frantz just filled me with faith in people and in me. it also confirmed once again that my Father loves me and knows how to deal with me and when i need it. il n'a pas dit que sera facile...

I think it's hard when you go through periods in life where disappointment just takes over you and a number of events in your life are filtered through it.  I guess it has to do with you level of happiness or satisfaction at any given point but sometimes it's just like a virus that takes over an doesn't let you know.  today I was a bit disappointed with the people I work with at a meeting we had.  Obviously, I am not the best manager in the world nor I am in the position I have because I’m fully qualified but because I happen to be there and fit the role.  That’s problem number one, regardless of what other people say I do not feel that that is my legitimate place.  I think they just needed a warm body there at a particular time and I was readily available to say yes.  Given that, I probably reflect a number of insecurities which not even I can perceive fully.

Anyway, at the meeting--a website brainstorming meeting--someone made a suggestion to include something like Focus on the Family does to which I responded, "Well, we can use that because it's religious."  It must have been the way I said and/or something else but that set off a mood that I thought was rather offensive and frustrating.  my assessments is that I am not very accepting of opinions and when I ask for suggestions I never take them into account, "go back to your desk and scratch them," was the line.  I thought that was hurtful.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I am angry and feel very much unappreciated.   I have no direction in the program and have a number of roles that require a lot for one person. You can’t really design a program and implement it all at the same time; which is what I have to do in a way.  I’m not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I lack but if someone is going to make fun of me because I’m left ot make decisions that maybe I should not be making then I don’t appreciate it.  It’s just not fair.   I try to support the team as much as I can and forget many of the things that they do not do by remembering the thing that they do do.  It’s  just pushed my buttons to not have someone say things directly, even after I ask for feedback, but yet create a reputation for someone and not affording one the benefit of knowing. If it were just isolated comments, it wouldn’t matter but I know it isn’t. I know it’s not isolated and I know it has some consequence.  

It doesn’t help that I feel my time has come to move to other professional projects.  I do not want to stay here any longer. I am here because I feel that this is where God is calling me to be but if it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  I can see how I am called to be here and how everything in life (past, present, future) seems to point to me staying here, but then I wonder, does God always puts you through misery to teach you whatever? Is there not joy in following his Will? I experienced that when I was starting to work here but now, I don’t think that’s the case.  When we do I know that God is calling me to bear with it, and not telling me to move on but I’m not doing so out of fear?  I don’t know. I guess this is the process to find out. Hopefully the answer it’s already on its way and I just have to wait a bit longer.