I think it's hard when you go through periods in life where disappointment just takes over you and a number of events in your life are filtered through it.  I guess it has to do with you level of happiness or satisfaction at any given point but sometimes it's just like a virus that takes over an doesn't let you know.  today I was a bit disappointed with the people I work with at a meeting we had.  Obviously, I am not the best manager in the world nor I am in the position I have because I’m fully qualified but because I happen to be there and fit the role.  That’s problem number one, regardless of what other people say I do not feel that that is my legitimate place.  I think they just needed a warm body there at a particular time and I was readily available to say yes.  Given that, I probably reflect a number of insecurities which not even I can perceive fully.

Anyway, at the meeting--a website brainstorming meeting--someone made a suggestion to include something like Focus on the Family does to which I responded, "Well, we can use that because it's religious."  It must have been the way I said and/or something else but that set off a mood that I thought was rather offensive and frustrating.  my assessments is that I am not very accepting of opinions and when I ask for suggestions I never take them into account, "go back to your desk and scratch them," was the line.  I thought that was hurtful.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I am angry and feel very much unappreciated.   I have no direction in the program and have a number of roles that require a lot for one person. You can’t really design a program and implement it all at the same time; which is what I have to do in a way.  I’m not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I lack but if someone is going to make fun of me because I’m left ot make decisions that maybe I should not be making then I don’t appreciate it.  It’s just not fair.   I try to support the team as much as I can and forget many of the things that they do not do by remembering the thing that they do do.  It’s  just pushed my buttons to not have someone say things directly, even after I ask for feedback, but yet create a reputation for someone and not affording one the benefit of knowing. If it were just isolated comments, it wouldn’t matter but I know it isn’t. I know it’s not isolated and I know it has some consequence.  

It doesn’t help that I feel my time has come to move to other professional projects.  I do not want to stay here any longer. I am here because I feel that this is where God is calling me to be but if it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  I can see how I am called to be here and how everything in life (past, present, future) seems to point to me staying here, but then I wonder, does God always puts you through misery to teach you whatever? Is there not joy in following his Will? I experienced that when I was starting to work here but now, I don’t think that’s the case.  When we do I know that God is calling me to bear with it, and not telling me to move on but I’m not doing so out of fear?  I don’t know. I guess this is the process to find out. Hopefully the answer it’s already on its way and I just have to wait a bit longer.