God works in mysterious ways indeed...

the last couple of days have been quite tumultuous for me. i found an excerpt from something that my father had written published in a blog from his hometown so i proceeded to email the gentleman in charge of the blog to ask him for the title of the book, etc. he turned out to give me quite a bit of information on my father and also suggested i contact another gentleman there who apparently was quite close to him. the first gentleman, Mr. Mendez, sent me a poem that my father had written as well as other biographical blurbs that he had. i also wrote to the other friend, Dr. de Leon, and he just wrote me back today with the most amazing email. it was quite anecdotal and uplifting in a way i didn't expect.

going back a bit, Saturday I was quite sad because of my new findings, specifically the fact that my father could have suffered from a mental illness of sorts--which i speculate may have caused his demise. i woke up late and stayed in bed on my computer until about 7pm that night when i decided to join some friends for a gathering they had. it was a nice time of fellowship and good conversation. on Sunday, i was intent on surrendering my discomfort to God and just letting him heal that which was upsetting my heart. i went up to the pulpit and knelt down. my tears flowed rather copiously, and I was almost concerned that I'd look like a raccoon once i got up because my mascara must've been having quite a slide. by the way, i didn't look like a raccoon. the interesting thing is that while Pastor Roberto was speaking and ministering he said something to the effect of , "do not dwell in the past. do not ponder on what you had or didn't; lo que te quitaron o no te dieron, etc." this was pretty in tune with what i was feeling. then he said, "el tiempo de luto paso" says the Lord. that was quite liberating. God was speaking to my heart through the Pastor and was listening to my tears and anguish. i felt like i wasn't alone. how amazing, no?

i feel that my heart has been healed in a way i didn't expect. i am sad, yes, but it's not an unhealthy sadness. it's a sort of catharsis. i am looking forward to what will come from this and also to knowing more about who my father was. i feel like i'm getting to know him better as a person. to me that is more valuable, it's more real.