the search continues

It is close to 2am and I'm on the Internet looking for information about my father's writings. I do not know why I'm so determined to find his literary work even when I know how painful it is. I keep trying to find the things he wrote and get a glimpse of who he was as a person. It's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't think, but yet I feel the need to just get this chapter closed and the only way I think I can is by learning more about him to the point where I can say I can be at peace. This is so puzzling. I hope I do find something, or eventually visit his grave. I can't sort out my feelings well but I hope God heals this part of my history eventually. It's sad that I wasn't able to choose to know my father more. I was taken away and shielded from him in a way--either intentionally or not--and that has really impacted my life. I wish he were alive; I have so many questions.