この道や

ゆく人なしに

秋の暮れ

芭蕉

Manu Chau tribute? or insult?

last night we went to Clandestino for a Manu Chau tribute night. it wasn't that good. first of all, finding parking in Central Square is a hassle. then after about a half hour of searching up and down--even Green St. garage was full--all i had to say was, "Lord, please give me a parking space!" and literally, 10 seconds later, I see a perfect, free spot. Isn't my God amazing? So... i had to wait in line about 30-45 mins in the cold while my friends were all inside. i should have gotten there earlier but who gets a to a venue before 9:30pm. it's ridiculous. i met this girl Norwegian-American who had just come from surfing in Costa Rica for two months and had gone to Middlebury for grad school in Spanish. Midd is such a small school but pretty spread. it was funny. we talked for a while and then once in we went separate ways. she didn't come across as too genuine but she was nice enough to chat with while in line. :D i finally made it in and foun Ivi, Rolis, Ivi's 5 girlfriends, Pablo--Pedro's friend, Pedro, Osvaldo and Eliza + two girlfriends. It was an interesting bunch of people all of whom didn't necessarily know each other but came together through one particular friend, etc. i love those kind of random composition groups.

the tribute to Manu Chau was not good. the band wasn't bad, bad per se but it's not their thing it seems. the Turkish trombone player was sexy. Eliza was there with two other girls. they would not stop kissing throughout the whole night. it's not the fact that they were a lesbian couple that may it a bit uneasy but that any time you'd look their way, they'd be in each other's faces. it was hilarious.

after the thing was over we went to Pinocchio's in Harvard Square. that place is crazy on the weekends after 1am. all the college kids go there for pizza and they're all drunk. what a sight! the future power brokers of American. he he. I gave a ride to Ivi & Rolis to their respective places. i got to drive in the rain at 3am while listening to Yael Naim. it was pretty nice. no one in the streets--hardly--and the music blasting. i wish i could do that more often.

se ha confundido el cielo y en Octubre le ha dado por nevar...

mi cámara solo pide un poco más de otoño. hace una semana fuimos a las montañas blancas en New Hampshire. la pasamos bien con mucha risa, friito y mucho color.

God works in mysterious ways indeed...

the last couple of days have been quite tumultuous for me. i found an excerpt from something that my father had written published in a blog from his hometown so i proceeded to email the gentleman in charge of the blog to ask him for the title of the book, etc. he turned out to give me quite a bit of information on my father and also suggested i contact another gentleman there who apparently was quite close to him. the first gentleman, Mr. Mendez, sent me a poem that my father had written as well as other biographical blurbs that he had. i also wrote to the other friend, Dr. de Leon, and he just wrote me back today with the most amazing email. it was quite anecdotal and uplifting in a way i didn't expect.

going back a bit, Saturday I was quite sad because of my new findings, specifically the fact that my father could have suffered from a mental illness of sorts--which i speculate may have caused his demise. i woke up late and stayed in bed on my computer until about 7pm that night when i decided to join some friends for a gathering they had. it was a nice time of fellowship and good conversation. on Sunday, i was intent on surrendering my discomfort to God and just letting him heal that which was upsetting my heart. i went up to the pulpit and knelt down. my tears flowed rather copiously, and I was almost concerned that I'd look like a raccoon once i got up because my mascara must've been having quite a slide. by the way, i didn't look like a raccoon. the interesting thing is that while Pastor Roberto was speaking and ministering he said something to the effect of , "do not dwell in the past. do not ponder on what you had or didn't; lo que te quitaron o no te dieron, etc." this was pretty in tune with what i was feeling. then he said, "el tiempo de luto paso" says the Lord. that was quite liberating. God was speaking to my heart through the Pastor and was listening to my tears and anguish. i felt like i wasn't alone. how amazing, no?

i feel that my heart has been healed in a way i didn't expect. i am sad, yes, but it's not an unhealthy sadness. it's a sort of catharsis. i am looking forward to what will come from this and also to knowing more about who my father was. i feel like i'm getting to know him better as a person. to me that is more valuable, it's more real.

the search continues

It is close to 2am and I'm on the Internet looking for information about my father's writings. I do not know why I'm so determined to find his literary work even when I know how painful it is. I keep trying to find the things he wrote and get a glimpse of who he was as a person. It's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't think, but yet I feel the need to just get this chapter closed and the only way I think I can is by learning more about him to the point where I can say I can be at peace. This is so puzzling. I hope I do find something, or eventually visit his grave. I can't sort out my feelings well but I hope God heals this part of my history eventually. It's sad that I wasn't able to choose to know my father more. I was taken away and shielded from him in a way--either intentionally or not--and that has really impacted my life. I wish he were alive; I have so many questions.

surprise slow kiss

i'm craving one of those. the type of kiss that you don't really expect but that once you receive it, it just makes you want that moment to be frozen in time and stay like that forever. slow, tender, passionate yet gentle kinda kiss. the kiss where your lips are barely touching but every time they do it sends a bit of an electric shot to your stomach. a warm, long kiss. they're better in the fall, and even better if you're not expecting it.

mom

today is my mother's birthday. i called this morning--at about 8am--to wish her a happy birthday. for some reason as i spoke i started crying and she did too. i guess that some people have a secret code where they understand why others feel the way they do and one is not required to explain it. i feel very fortunate to have the mother i have. she has always been so caring and loves me with a love that i consider pretty unconditional. i remember when i was younger i used to not love my mother as much. i loved my grandmother blindly and my mom knew that. as i grew older those roles changed and i feel like my mother is one of those amazing beings that i will always love.

i remember when i was young and she used to bring me a candy after work, every single day. she would always have something for me. sometimes she would stop at the libreria (stationery store) and buy a trinket for me. she was a working single mother for the first 4 years of my life. my father lived in another city and they were not together. she always made sure i was taken care of. with school, she was always very mindful and helped me with homework even if she was tired from working in an office all day. she would help me with the homework and the next day I'd beam with joy because i knew that i had the best answers. when the teacher called on me to answer i was always on point. they all loved me. thanks to my mother i was always the teacher's pet, he he. i remember that the first day of school was really fun for me. mom would take me to the bookstore to get my books and then we'd buy book covers with the Looney Toones characters to cover them. we would spend most of the afternoon doing that. she would teach me how to do it and my books were always the bomb. those were the days.

my mom was a very hardworking woman, and still is. she always inspired me to do better and gave me the freedom + independence to make my own choices even at an early age. i am very grateful to God for the mother He gave me. i hope that when i become a mother one day i can be as good as my mother has been.

[sigh]...

i am in love with this man's smile. heck, with his smile, and the total sum of his parts. i can't stop watching his soap operas--i know, it's sad. i even want to learn Korean just to make sure i understand what he's saying. i regret not having been born a super hot Korean actress so that i can smooch with him and launch my master plan to chain him to me for like forever. life is so unfair.

usually my screen crushes just last about a month but i can't help loving Gong Yoo a bit longer than your average hearthrob. i just can't. he's currently doing he's military training with the Korean army. i hope it ends soon so that i can have a new drama to watch. :D

Aruba... day 2

after our long night at crappy Chino Latino we woke up and headed straight to town in search of a supermarket. we found the area where supermarkets are but first we make a stop at the flea market. we found lots of touristy trinkets and stuff that we didn't buy. it wasn't an impressive flea market but here are some pictures.

the guy with the chicken had enough to feed the whole island. there was a lot of bird on that grill. the funniest thing is that the fire truck was parked right across the street with its radio blasting and all the smoke and chicken aroma heading its way. had someone just been looking at the scene out of context it would have been hilarious.

these little dolls were cute but the Haitian ladies selling them were not as nice. i tried on a hat and the woman was insisting that it looked fine when i knew that i looked awful in it.

"Mr. G.I. Joe" took his surveillance job very seriously. doesn't he look it? i thought so. he wouldn't take those darn sunglasses off. it's like he's an overseas vampire. once the trip the glasses come on as soon as sunlight hits. he he.

anyway, afterwards we went to the hotel suite to make ourselves some yummy sandwiches and headed to the beach. Bianni rented a jet ski while i sun bathed in the sun chatting it up with the jet ski dude. it was so relaxing. Evelyn & Santi's welcome dinner was later that night so we had to go to the hotel and get ready for it. it was quite nice. i got to it a bit late but didn't miss much since they were rehearsing the wedding ceremony and stuff. i was really, really happy to see Alainie there. i love Alainie. she's just so cool and easygoing. one doesn't have to worry much when around her. her genuineness and carefreeness is just so liberating. i'm glad we got to live together. anyway, i digress. i'll pause here and continue later. :D

Aruba.... day 1

so... Bianni and I got to Aruba late this evening--barely. in Atlanta, we started walking around the food court trying to decide what to eat and make it to the gate about 5 minutes before departure. we were so close to the gate that we thought we'd hear when they were calling people to board. the nice Delta crew yelled at us and finally we made it onto the place. i kept being afraid every time the plane took a dip and he kept making fun of me. not a very nice travel buddy when one is scared. we got to the airport. it's a nice, clean airport in Oranjestad. we went to the car rental place and the lady there was not too friendly. then she said she was Dominican too but had been in Aruba for 15+ years. she was very nice at the end and I asked her if she knew of a church to which she said yes and told me where her church was since she's herself an evangelical christian. we got a tiny car, completely different from what we had reserved. anyway, it was fun to drive to the hotel. i drove. roads in Aruba are very clear and signaling is quite easy to follow. we had a bit of a hard time finding hotel without a clear map, but we got there eventually. the hotel was ok. nothing out of this world but comfortable and clean. there's a good pool but we're not on the beach. after settling in, we headed out. Chino Latino's fusion food sucks. please do not go there. the music was Ok. nothing to die for though. the crowd was interesting. i mix of tourist and locals.

there was this guy that looked kinda sad the whole time--i think he was just trying to be sexy. :D after i saw him smile and dance a bit i told him that i was glad to see him do so because all night he looked like he wasn't enjoying himself. he laughed.

we walked back to our hotel and had a super crappy sandwich that they sold there. tomorrow, there's no way that we're not going to the supermarket. we have a kitchen in our room for peter's sake. there's not need to eat moldy bread.

it was a good first day in Aruba. i'm looking forward to the rest of the trip. day 2 is coming later...

clean bill of health & absentminded male nurse

i went for a complete physical today. it was the quickest physical ever. my goodness. i felt like i was being interrogated by a KGB agent or something--my doc is Russian. my cholesterol is "perfect" she said. everything is pretty much good except for the fact that i need to lose weight. i need to get on it.

prior to meeting with the doc i was weighed, measured and ushered into the examination room by a nurse or medical assistant of sorts. his name was Addil or something like that. it is the first time i have a male nurse at the doc's office. usually they are all females. he was funny. when he came to get me i was in the middle of a text so i apologized for texting and walking but i had to finish it. as he weighed me i was texting. then when he went to measure my height he hit my head with the little measuring bar. it was really funny. he then asked all the routine questions including, "when was your last menstrual period, with an specific date please?" and "if you are sexually active, is your partner usually male or female?" he clarified that he has to ask these questions to everyone. i guess my facial expression was like, "uh?" he took my blood pressure and it was low, so he asked, is it usually like that? to which i answered no. he left the room and said nothing else. then came back to tell me to change in to a Johnnie and that he had forgotten. :D

after the examination i was instructed to go back to the front desk by the doc. he was there. i gave him the paperwork and a tube. he was to take the little glass container and put a label on it--from the ones on the sheet of paper--and send me on my way to the lab for blood work. he took the tube and sent me on my way. as i was going down the stairs he came running asking for one of the labels on the sheet, which he had forgotten. i don't know if it was his first day or he was distracted, but i'm glad he's a medical office assistant and not a surgeon or other possibly lethal role in that building that can really mess things up. he was funny and nice but i don't know that i want him--and his forgetfulness--to take care of me anytime soon. :D

white sand beaches, papiamento, butterfly farm... here i come!

i am going to Aruba this weekend for my friend/ex-housemate's wedding. can't wait to explore that island. i am really looking forward to being there for the wedding as well as taking a break--albeit short--to relax and reflect. i am hoping to do nothing expect enjoy the beach and decompress. my friend Bianni is coming with me and i'm really hoping that he won't want to do everything under the sun in a mere two days. it's funny how the prospect of an escape can really alter your mood and reality. it's all i can think of. in any case.

i am missing a couple of things this weekend but it's all worth it. i will be in Aruba! hello me? i am thinking that i should have taken a longer vacation rather than 5 days but it'll be all good. a weekend is good enough, no? i just need some time to think and ponder life's biggest questions as i sip a piñita coladita looking at the clear aquamarine waters of the beautiful beaches in Aruba. i'm totally ♥ing it already. :D

on another note, i was reading up a bit on demonology. don't know why i was drawn to the topic--that's how bad my procrastination is. it is quite intriguing and scary at the same time. we know so little about these forces that pretty influence our whole existence on an everyday basis. on the other hand, i feel so relieved that i have nothing to fear against these beings because i am completely cover and cleansed by the blood of Jesus. not to say that i shouldn't acknowledge what they are and their power but i also know that He who is in me has overcome all of them together once and for all. that sense of relief and protection is the best feeling ever. knowing that i do not have to worry and that God cares for me and my well being enough to protect me is amazing. i feel so blessed and love right now. it is funny how a bit of curiosity can take a person thru so many different emotions in a span of a half hour.

¡no hay cosa más engañosa que el corazón!

i love it. so the old friend that i was confused about--whether i liked him or not--is no longer an issue. i don't know why but ever since i was commanded with the task for finding him a girlfriend i no longer feel drawn towards him. maybe because i realized that most of the time he was spending and stuff he was doing while i was visiting NY were not directed to me but to the female friend i was with. how awesome is that? it sounds a bit weird and lame that i am rejoicing that he didn't really care about me but it is quite liberating. i guess i know have no reason to like him or be confused. i am free!

some things i learned today...

-it is easy to oversleep when one goes to bed very late the night before;

-apricot danish at Mariposa Bakery is totally delicious;

- planning a trip to India takes a lot of work;

- having a friend who plans the trip to India is pretty awesome;

-the map/travel store in Harvard Square doesn't have a very visible Caribbean section;

-Berk's shoe store doesn't have as many cool shoes as it used to;

- a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning is perfect breeding ground for clumsy Harvard tourists;

-some women should not wear certain dresses;

-Ito En pear white green tea is pretty good;

-the Japonaise bakery in Porter Sq. now has ice cream?! coconut ice cream??!!;

-the word subungual, and how not to tell it to an Emergency Room operator;

-never, ever, leave your house in a hurry and try to strap your sandals while sitting on an old porch that's prone to give you a kickass subungual splinter;

-Facebook friends can give you pretty good advice on removing splinters;

-this hurts:

-splitting your nail with scissors and then removing a piece of old wood with needle & tweezers is not as cool when you're doing it as when you're blogging about it;

-watermelon can be a good pretend-anesthesia; AND

- i finger with splinter-free nail is a happy finger. :D

日本！日本！日本！

i just booked a flight to Japan! yeeepeeeee! i am so excited. i will be there for the Thanksgiving break. i have not been there in 10 years and i'm really looking forward to it. let the good trip-planning times begin. :D 本当に楽しみにしています。でも、行く前にすごい練習しなきゃ。頑張ります！

it's funny to run into someone from your recent past and be in a somewhat uncomfortable situation. i went to a friend's house and ran into my old make-out buddy. he is too funny and weird, and cute. had this been a different time... i love those kinds of moments where in a second you're like, "shoot, can i just run?" given that my life is at a completely different place, him being there reminded me of moments that i now look back at and wonder if i'd change them if i could. as we talked, his playfulness with my pointy shoe and knee was just so endearing in a way. there he was, telling me about how he's into bunging jumping + other extreme sports. i love his summer freckles. life has an interesting way of reminding you of things. at the end as he was leaving he asked, "so you're not back until the 28th, uh? que pena." i'm going to Aruba for next week.

i want to buy a house somewhere so that i can--in no particular order of importance...

+ have a kickass flower-veggie garden to plant in Spring & Summer

+ build a (handmade) barbacoa pit and clay pizza oven in the backyard

+ walk around naked whenever i want

+ invite people over for dinner parties without major scheduling planning

+ paint the walls with crazy colors

+ have a super-sweet laundry room where i can dump stuff instead of my room

+ finally buy the platform bed i want without worrying about having to move

and the pain it would be to move it

+ not do the dishes for weeks without having to worry about it--not that i do now, anyway

+ have french doors in my room--provided that it can withstand remodeling for it

+ have planters by the windwos and herbs by the sink window to use in cooking

+ go crazy baking stuff all the time without worrying about my roommates paying for gas

+ have a sense of freedom to do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. :D

los por ques de hoy

it's weird when you want someone to give you their undivided attention but they don't. when you want them so have eyes just for you but they don't. when you crave for them their every thought to be linked to you. when you feel jealous if they seem to gravitate towards someone or something else. when you want them to suffer because you know that when they are in pain they look for you. when you want them to genuinely be happy but in their heart there is always a space for happiness just with you. when they are your accomplice and they follow your instructions to the t even if they don't know it. when they long for you and let you know of it without words. it is weird when you don't have any words that give you any of that which you most crave from one particular being on this earth. even when you know that you don't want to, nor would consider being in a relationship with them, you're still selfish enough to want to have them next to you wanting to convince you otherwise.

i hate facing the fact that i may not be such a nice person as i would like to think. that i have really murky feelings that center completely around me and are pretty mean/evil in nature. why make someone love you--as if i could--or better said, why have the desire of someone to love you when you may never, never allow yourself to truly love them back. why want to drag someone into a never-ending battle when you know that at the end, their efforts will not lead to victory? i confuse myself. i want to have control of those not-so-clear feelings and can't. it is very disempowering. why? why is that? why is it so complicated--or i make it so? why am i so burden by this? why can't i just let it go? why do i have this obsession? i have no idea, but i wish i could. that way i'd know the source of it and hopefully be able to kill it once and for all. sigh.

friend crush

after a long interpretation this Sunday at church--we had a guest preacher that really was all over the place--i went with my friend Ivette for food in JP. i was craving Dominican style crab meat with tostones. unfortunately, i couldn't find any. we decided on some Cuban food at this mediocre joint in JP. as we walked in we ran into one of the guys from church. he is a quiet-looking guy who is part of the young adults group. we sat with him as he finished his food and stayed there for almost an hour? not sure. we laughed a lot. i think i have a friend-crush on him. like the equivalent of a man-crush but for a girl. i am not talking about a romantic crush but more the likes of a guy friend kinda of crush. i think he would be a great guy to have as a friend. he is really cool. he isn't pretentious and very humble in his ways it seems. he is also funny and seems pretty balanced when it comes to his ego. i feel like asking him out for some activity or something but the thought feels weird. i've never asked a guy out on a play date.

why is it that adults can't be like when we were little kids? when you were able to just ask people to be your friends; when harassing your peers a little wasn't abnormal--harass as in wanting to play with them and having your intentions/feelings clearly displayed without having to be cool. sometimes i wish i were like that still. when i had the freedom to do that. although i don't really recall ever being too clingy. if i remember correctly, i think i have mostly been this way since i can remember.

i really shouldn't drive when i'm tired

i left work probably about a 1/2hr ago--yah, i know, lame, specially on a friday night. anyway, on my way i was just a really, really horrible driver. i was trying to find my cell phone to call a restaurant near my house for takeout. that was slowing me down. then i finally zoomed thru the tunnel and sped off to my exit like no one else was around. i proceeded to cut some people off while attempting to make a light that I knew was going to be red by the time i got there. i slammed on my breaks. luckily, i drive a stick shift so it is a lot easier--and less noisy--to break frantically. i then proceeded to pull the clutch too quickly and the car turned off. no worries. i sped off and took a shortcut to get to the restaurant on time. the shortcut was a one way street in which i was driving the opposite way after i cut off a cabbie that was patiently waiting for the light go change--go figure. i realized my dumbness and proceeded to try a three-point turn. this was a very narrow street and other cars where coming so backing out of someone's driveway surrounded by big vehicles was not as easy as i thought it would be. in my attempt the car turned off again; clutch out too soon. finally i took the right street to get to the takeout place and as i approached the corner where this joint is i realized that there is a parking spot at the very corner of the intersection where the restaurant it. my mind proceeds to think that i can reverse with traffic behind me and basically take an inverse L turn to get the precious parking space--like many others around me. so finally i realize that half the world hates me and i decided to keep going and then do a Uie. finally i park about four parking spots pass the restaurant, on the opposite side. go in. get my pupusas and leave. on my way back i dutifully make my stop at a stop sign but start going a bit slow so other people think i'm letting them go but i'm not--so i probably looked like an idiot if they were nice; or a bitch if having a bad day. finally i make it home but not until the car technically turns off again because i took the clutch out before putting it in neutral. is that a crazy commute back home or what?