ahem... excuse me.

the funniest thing happened to me today. so, a little background. yesterday i spent my day working at home. i have not gone grocery shopping in the past 3 weeks so i have very little food to make. i had some rice and frozen italian meatballs from trader joe's so i went with that and yogurt all day. needless to say when i woke up this morning i was hungry. i decided to stop at Shaw's on my way to the T to buy one of my favorite breads (Iggy's baguette) so that i could eat it with butter and dipped in coffee. i had it all planned. i also bought my favorite vanilla soy milk (Eden) and chai mix (Oregon chai); i was in organic heaven. of course i brought my own canvas bag which as a bit short for the baguette but good enough. so... i got to the T station and went down the giant escalators. the baguette was hanging out a bit but it was fine. the train was arriving and everyone was running to catch it. me with my thought of eating my buttery baguette was in no rush. i almost did bump into this asian girl wearing a backpack, though. as i walked a bit down the platform i realized that the bag felt lighter. oh, no... the baguette fell out!! i immediately turned to get it. surely it would be there. yah, right. as i turned around i saw...get this... the asian girl closing her backpack and what appeared as a folded clear wrapping very similar to one covering the-baguette-previously-known-as-mine. the horror! what do i do? do i ask her, "ahem... excuse me miss, could you hand over my bread?" i had just paid like $3.99 for that little sucker. at that moment i thought to myself, it's not worth it. if she really wants the bread that badly to indirectly steal it from me, then let her have it. it did rub me the wrong way that she would not say, "hey, you drop your bread" or something. no. instead she grabbed it and up it in her backpack. she then proceeded to quickly get in the train. i decided to wait for the next one. a number of other things happened today, but the funniest part was that every time i thought of the asian chick stealing my bread all i could do was laugh. i kept thinking, "she stole my bread!" this is a first for me, and quite amusing. :)

wow.

i'm kinda glad i work at a church. i have access to the sanctuary anytime--provided it's not being used. i just spent what felt like hours of crying before the silence of the altar. i am so overwhelmed. it's work. it's family. it's life. it's love. it's me. it's them. it's everything. wow. i have not cried that like that in a while. i'm not sure why i was crying. i just think that there's a lot of pressure on me and i needed to come to the one person i know would understand me. to remind myself of who i am. it's sadness. it's powerlessness. it's complication. it's lack of support. it's feelings. it's emotions. it's lack of emotions. it's wanting to run. it's wanting to be alone. it's loneliness. it's crazy. after all this insanity. i feel a bit better. i still feel tired and somewhat overwhelmed but i'm also relieved and happy. i can still smile--which i'm doing right now. i need to prioritize. i need to focus. anyway, this is more for me than for anyone else; to remind me of moments like this when i had nowhere to go, no place to run to but, even then, i can choose hope.

NH retreat-- day 2

the night ended great last night. we had a campfire and made smores with these giant marshmallows. it was so much fun. then we played with sticks in the fire trying to make ghetto fireworks. it was hilarious. we sang a bit--Manny playing the guitar--and laughed so much that it looks we were high other than the tons of sugar intake from the marshmallows and chocolate.

i got to spend some time with this guy from church. he's very quiet and reserved but once we got talking the conversation was so interesting. he had done some stage design for my program's youth rally last year but I didn't get a chance to connect with him becauce I delegated that to one of my colleagues and she was the one to communicate with him on that. I was surprise when we started talking because I didn't know he was such an interesting guy. he's an artist; he does painting and graffitti. he is also an electrician and is interested in physics, science, astronomy, etc. plus, he has very insightful comments when it comes to theology. the conversation was so engaging and stimulating that i found myself thinking, "wow, this guy is really cool and i wasn't aware of all that he has to share." i had talked with him about art and such but never more than 5 minutes and in collective conversation. it was crazy. he had spent the whole day quiet. the whole day. we were having all these engaging phylosophical discussions and he had been quiet all day. then we started talking about a particular point while at he campfire. we were talking about religion and art, and things and then quantum physics and the Large Hadron Collider that they've built in Europe. it was so awesome to listen to him and learn about things. he also shared some jokes in the process and made fun of my corny jokes. it was pretty neat. we talked for a long time and after most people had left we decided to head back and proceeded to talk more about Cain & Abel and God's punishment to Cain and the implications of that for us as we engage with God. it was really cool. i mentioned to Sonia how I didn't know he was that cool. i hope i get a chance to converse with him again. it was a very intellectually stimulating chat with such variety, depth and passion. i was pleasantly surprised. i would have never thought that behind that curtain of silence hid such an intriguing human being. hmmm...

before the campfire i had a very in-depth conversation with a friend. it crazy how things develop but i ended up sharing with her how i view her behavior and actions. i feel that my words were full of care and love for her but also full of clarity and discipline. i see this friend extremely burdened by what people say about her. her whole world revolves around meeting standards that are not even her own. i see her wrestle with that and in turn not allow for her to grow as the person that she could be. she has so much potential but yet is enveloped by this fear that prevents her from reaching her fullest potential. it was a charged conversation but a positive one. i was able to see where she is coming from and confirm many of my thoughts about her behavior. i also feel that she is very inwardly focused and that is something that is pushing people away as she tries to overcompensate for other things that she is "restricted" from. it was intersting. but i really hope that she can slowly but surely start to take hold of her identity and live freely. i can't wait to see what the amazing woman she'll become once she does that.

it was a great weekend indeed...

NH retreat-- day 1

we made it to the retreat center last night at around midnight. yay! it was a good ride with Rupert, Jocy and Miguel. we talked all the way there. missed a couple of exits but made it there fine.

the first day of the retreat has been great. we have had so many spiritual breakthroughs in so many different levels. at the beginning there was definitely resistance to engaging from people--as expected--but then God just worked in us in ways that i had not even imagined. it was great so see the Spirit moving in such ways! we are praying and singing and confessing and interceding the entire morning. our agenda pretty much went to the trash. God is faithful. how exciting.
after lunch we dived into the Truth Project DVDs and the discussions have been awesome. it is just so great to engage with a community where you are all free to engage and ask questions and theorize, etc. i love it!

for a break tonight Shirley and Willie gave us a salsa lesson. well, i came in late but still danced a bit. it was fun to see people having fun that way. so much fun and laughter!

i also had a great conversation with Sonia and i feel that we were able to connect in many ways. i was very honest with her but also encouraging and supportive, i think. i'm glad we got to talk. it was something that i felt i wanted to touch base with her on and i hope that my perspective can inform her journey a bit. God has taught me so many lessons during this weekend retreat. we've also eaten so much. gosh! we're now getting ready to go to the campfire and chill by the fogata while we sing some songs and laugh. i'm so exciting to keep connecting with people and learning. i'm happy! :)

iPod obsession of the day... [sigh]

i just learned of michael recently but i am so smitten. i love his songs. he's just awesome. there's something so enticing about a guy who's strong and sensitive at the same time. his songs are pretty much that. did i say i'm smitten? ok, good. 'cause i am, you know?

beautiful spring night

after the church service tonight I took the T home--well, first the bus, then the T. I decided to get off at Harvard Square and walk home from there which is about 1.5 miles or tad more. it was a marvellous walk. the trees were so full of life, with that seductiveness of Spring when buds are just about to bloom, and tempting you to almost smell the flowers already. there was a wonderful breeze which made my hair walk at its own pace, which it kinda always does but tonight was more like dancing than walking. I couldn't stop smiling and people probably thought that I was a bit tipsy because I just smile and sighed, here and there.

i love that walk. i find it amusing to walk through Cambridge Common and see all the people walking alongside me. i pass the giant lit spheres hanging from the trees across harvard law. then one gets to see the new building harvard has been working on for a while now. i wonder what it would be. pass that i see my favorite French restaurant in Cambridge, Chez Henri, and remember my dinners there with Courtney. it's been a while since i last had their awesome Cuban sandwich. anyway, i just like walking home from harvard. for some reason, i notice that i like walking on the left side of the street. i wonder why.

it's interesting how simple things make me happy and yet some people sometimes say that i have a very selective taste. anyway, i was also really happy today because i saw some of my favorite people at church. there are some people in that community that i really, really like/love. i talked to Brother Orange about our community garden plot since gardening season is soon approaching. getting one of those little plots across the church was the best idea ever. he loves it. we do gardening together. we're an odd dirt couple--he's in his 60s and i'm entering my 30s. our plot neighbor thought he was my father. it's great. all summer i get enough lettuce to feed a family of 10. he's crazy about lettuce. today he also gave me advice on how to take care of the cold i have. he is just such a wonderful man. honest, if i knew, somehow, that i guy my age had the same, exact characteristics as Bro.O and would be like him when older, i would marry him even if i didn't feel that i was attracted to him. people like Bro.O are rare in this world. every time i see him i am happy.

another favorite person i saw today was Hna. Blanca. she is such an awesome lady. she works doing housekeeping all day and then goes to clean the church at night--including my office. i really like her. she is so sweet and genuine. i'm always joking with her and she's making fun of me for working too much or not doing my office dishes. then we both make fun of her brother together.

i don't know why. for the longest time i have had an affinity with older folk and people who have similar souls as those two. they just bring about such tenderness in me. they're such hardworking, honest, humble, quiet, faithful, ethical, loving people. they make me feel loved every time i see them. i pray that one day i can convey how i feel and how lucky i am to know them.

not liking the Crystal City Sheraton.

i should have gone back to the Hampton Inn. the service is not as good, the room either. hmmm, i wonder. at least i'm only here for two nights for work and not for like fun or anything like that. the bed is ok; king size gigantic bed. not as comfy though. maybe i'm just biased because the hotel shuttle took too long to get me at the airport and it went down hill from there. hmm. they didn't allow my dinner delivery to go up to the 14th floor where i'm staying so i had to go down in my pajamas to pick it up. how annoying is that. in any event, let's see how things go. i'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt for now. :)

anyway, the plane ride was not bad but i still feel uncomfortable flying. i don't get it. i have been to aruba, japan, florida, and DC x 2 after i had bad experience coming from Spain where the plane dipped a bit. i should be able to let go of that lingering fear but why do i still get nervous when i fly? i don't get it. i was sitting next to this young guy who also has a cold--apparently, or he instantaneously got it from me. i wasn't very friendly; didn't even look his way. i hate it when i'm like that. i should be courteous to people even if i am sick and tired. it was funny because he was sitting next to be while waiting for boarding and then we end up sitting next to each other on the plane. he kept reading a magazine and i was reading my book (Oscar Wao). i kept laughing with the book and i think he thought i was a bit looney. then i fell asleep.

\.o./

It is not a human right
To stare not fight
While broken nations dream
Open up our eyes, so blind
That we might find
The Mercy for the need.

Acabo de llegar del concierto de Hillsong United en Boston. Me parece tan increible como Dios trabaja aun para llenar los vacios mas superficiales y vanidosos de nuestro corazon. Por alguna razon u otra en los ultimos dias he querido sentirme especial para Dios y la gente que me rodea. Sera poque estoy sumamente cansada y no puedo enfocarme bien el el porque. De todas formas, Dios muchas veces hasta en nuestros caprichos nos consiente. Al llegar al concierto no encontraba donde me iba a sentar ya que mi amiga me dio mi boleto y al parecer todos eran distintos. Finalmente, en vez de sentarme donde no debia decidi ir a buscar el asiento que me tocaba ya sea bueno o malo. Cuando llegue me quise morir, no podia ver casi nada por estaba en el balcon, pero lejos, en la fila W. Decidi que iba a disfrutar el concierto y no hacerle caso a si tenia buen asiento o no. Una de las razones por la que no compre mi boleto a tiempo es porque espere hasta hablar con una amiga que estaria de cumpleanhos hoy para ver si lo comprabamos juntas. Cuando le hable ya ella habia comprado su boleto y yo me quede sin nada. Otra amiga me dijo si queria un boleto que tenia y por fin pude ir al concierto. Asi que desde el principio hubo una cierta barrera para yo ir.

Hoy estaba pensado no ir al concierto ya que tengo mucho trabajo en la oficina y pues eso seria como 3 o 4 horas "perdidas". La cosa es que cuando llegue a la fila W encontre a otros amigos. De un momento a otro una de las chicas me dijo que nos ofrecian mejores asientos y nos movimos. El asiento que me toco estaba en primera fila. No me lo podia creer. Dios ha estado mirando mi corazon resignado y creo que me ha concedido mis caprichos esta semana. Se que el conoce mi corazon y le place mostrarme que le importo. Fue una noche super. No podia haber pedido mas.

it's my birthday and I'll laugh if I want to...

today is my birthday! yay for me. what a great birthday it was! i stayed home with a sore throat from working saturday and sunday so it didn't start on a very happy note. however, my family came over to bring me lunch and they also got me a cake with balloons and all the fixings for a birthday party to a 6 year old. :) they were so cute. the cake was so totally yummy--it had guava and pineapple in it. i have been eating cake all day.

my grandmother came too and we spent most of the time laughing with her. i took a video of her formula to deal with a person who snores when sleeping in the same room with them. it was hilarious. i also felt happy to see many friends and dear people text, email or facebook me congratulating me on my special day. it was funny because early this morning as i was eating my breakfast i kinda complained to God because i didn't want this to be a boring, work-centered bday. he came through. i had a really, really good time with my family and that was really, really nice for me. i don't spend much time with them so these moments are special treats. i'm happy. it's another year of life. i'll have to reflect more on what this previous year brought me but for now i'm going to bed. i'm going to the hillsong united concert tomorrow! so happy for that too! i think it's going to be great. bye!

for answers like this is why i will always love Johnny Depp...

Q: Did you receive scripts to work with Vanessa in a movie (his wife)?

A: yeah, we've had a couple of offers here and there but ah...

Q: Nothing interesting?

A: Well, it's gonna be pretty difficult to be as interesting as what our life really is. You know? uh, it would be impossible to be as interesting as that, be as interesting as being parents together, being together, so... Um, it's more fun just to be together.

women flirting

it's kinda weird when women kinda flirt with you on the street. not that this is a thing that happens often but when it does, it feels rather... different. men on the street can flirt and try to strike conversations, etc. but if it's not someone i'd like to engage i'm pretty good at keeping them at bay. women, however, i don't know how to react to. in Spain, for example, this young woman was walking down the street with a group of friends and make a number of comments to me. i didn't really respond--playing the tourist card--but if she had kept going, I don't know what i would have said. here in Boston this other woman was just kinda creepy, commenting about my smile as we walked past each other. i don't necessarily uncomfortable but it does feel different. hmm, i don't know...

flirting is so subjective. if a creepy old guy is flirting with you, obviously it's not fun. unless you're into that kind of stuff. ahem. i can't flirt for the life of me; neither with men nor women--if i were to want to flirt with a woman i imagine i wouldn't. anyway. my friend Euni always says that i flirt all the time and i don't know it. how is that possible? she says i flirt with people i don't like. i don't really flirt with people i don't like because, doesn't flirting have to be intentional? how can i involuntarily flirt with someone? i don't know. that theory doesn't really hold water for me.

long answer to random quetion

It’s been very interesting lately with me. It seems as if random people keep asking me questions about what think regarding some God-linked questions. I have no idea why I open my mouth but I seem to do it quite often. The other day, I was chatting with a friend over sushi and she was telling that in one of her classes they were talking about predisposition and human beings. Basically her question was, does God already know who is going to hell and who is going the heaven? If he does, then, what is the need for free will? Or why would he let someone be born when he knows they are doomed to choose sin? I don’t know much about theology nor do I know anything about predisposition but we talked about it for I think 1.5 hours or more. It was funny because all my examples related to food, “if you are born to be mashed potatoes, there’s no point in being french fries...” It was very amusing to us both.

Anyway, going back to the serious question. I believe God in his omniscient qualities, already knows who is and who is not going to heaven/hell. I also believe that in His love he allows us to make choices so that we can exercise our free will. My friend was saying, something along the lines of if God knows who is going to hell, why allow that person to be born? That to me, is what makes God so mind-boggling-freaking-out-of-this-world-amazingly-completely incredible. Let me explain where I’m coming from--without all the crazy food/potatoes-related examples.

#1. God is completely under control. He knows everything, he sees everything; nothing escapes him. The guy is omniscient and omnipresent. He is like the air we breath, the light we see or don’t see; he is all and all things are of/in Him. That’s what the Bible says and given that I believe it, I know it and that’s that. Ok. So since he knows everything, he knows the past, the present and the future. He knows what I am to do after typing this and what I was doing before it---picking my nose and stuff. The beauty of his forgiveness--one aspect of it anyway--is that He forgave ALL of our sins when we allowed Christ into our hearts. Yes, ALL sins, present, past and future ones. He already knew the sins I would commit. All of my crazy, regular, hidden or open sins; kwon by me or unknown by me. Therefore, God cannot be surprised. If He didn’t already know who is going to hell and go is going to heaven, then that means that he would have the ability to be surprised. However, in his nature he cannot. He is not man to be taken by unexpected things, He is God. Thus, not knowing who is going to hell or who is going to heaven is impossible for God. As the Bible says, vanity, vanity everything in this world is vanity and there is nothing hidden under the sun that is not known by God. He even knew that Satan was going to betray him. He knew it since the beginning of time. With all that said, then, this is my argument as to why it is impossible for God not to know who is going to hell or heaven even before he created that person. That my main reasoning given the initial question (does he know or doesn’t he?).

#2. Having established that God already knows all things including who is going to fry for eternity and who isn’t, let me babble about the other part of the question (why would he allow people to be born if he already knows that they won’t love him?). In my mind it is very simple, the Word says that God is not man to go back on his word nor to repent from what he does. God is such an amazing being that He cannot violate his own laws just so that he doesn’t feel “uncomfortable” knowing that someone may or may not be saved. He already established from the beginning of time that the payment for sin is death. He already declared that this is what it is. Now, because he is the utmost definition of fairness and justice, he cannot violate the chance of someone being born by the mere fact that He knows they’ll choose sin. God intended to create us. He wanted us to live and be part of his perfect creation. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen this way. However, since he had already intended to create us, he cannot go back on his word and “uncreate” what he already had decided to create. God cannot violate his own nature, or his own laws. That is why in the old/new/middle and daily testament of our lives we see him always coming up with clear ways to provides us with a way out. He could very well just say, “Ok, you know what? you’re saved. you don’t have to accept Jesus. you don’t have to live a certain life. you don’t even have to have a relationship with me.” He is able to do that if he wanted, but he also isn’t. He cannot, as the holiest, most righteous, most virtuous, most just being once can imagine, he cannot just violate his own nature. So, he has to allow us to live even though when he knows that some of us will screw up colossally and die to eternal damnation. Not allowing someone to be born just because they will end up in hell is unjust. He cannot choose to let some be born and stop others from being born because that would show partiality. He can be partial all he wants; heck, He is G-O-D. However, not given someone a chance and choosing to give it to others even if by giving that chance he knows one will die would be unfair because he has to give both people the opportunity to exercise their free will. He doesn’t predisposes that some will die and others won’t, he just knows who will and who won’t. The Bible says that God wants everyone to come to repentance and be saved. He wants us to choose the right path. He is rooting for us regardless of his previous knowledge. He wants good things for us but he also knows that not all of us will get it. I imagine that it pains God to know that one of his creatures will end up hurting for eternity because their choices. However, because he can’t violate his nature, he has to let them live.

#3. Ok. Now onto the issue of “free will”. Why would God give people free will when he knows will mess it all up anyway. The example I gave to my friend was one where a parent with a toddler has no choice but leave the child in a playpen where there are a number of open electric outlets. Unfortunately, the parent has no other choice but to place the child in that playpen. It pains the parent but there’s nothing he/she can do. The parent gives the child instructions not to touch the plug because it may hurt the child. The parent keeps giving the child reminders; he keeps trying to steer the child away from the outlet by giving it other things to play with, toys, crackers, etc. But the child is always drawn to the outlet. Once the parent but that child in the playpen, he/she cannot control the child and/or force the child to not touch it. The parent suffers because although he/she knows that the child will get hurt, he/she cannot violate the rules that the child must be left in the playpen but not controlled while in it. Of course, unless the child calls out to the parent and asks to be guided. However, it is up to the child to accept and the sustain that help. To me that is free will. God already knows what things will be like. He does. However, he cannot prevent me from doing certain things unless I clearly give him permission to guide me in my walk. He cannot arbitrarily do that. He can, however, when I mess up, turn things around me so that my blunders are not totally disastrous. I will have to pay for my stumbles but when in Him, his children will have positive outcomes. Without free will, we would not be choosing God. Without free will, we would not be accepting his gift nor would we be exercising our faith in Him. We would just be parasites. My God doesn’t want me to be a parasite. He wants me to be victorious. He wants me to be daring. He wants me to have His nature. He wants me to be like him. I can’t be him Him if I can’t choose. I can’t be like Him if I can’t freely love him. He wants me to love him freely. He wants me to seek him freely. It’s like when someone give you a gift because you were pestering them to give it to you for months. Well, it’s not the same as if someone comes to you one day and gives you something because they felt like it. That’s the love that God wants. That’s why salvation is a gift and not a task list. God himself exercises free will by choosing to bless us and save us. He could have said, “yeap, you sinned and now you die.” But he didn’t. He had to find a process to be able to redeem humanity so that we could live. He can’t violate his precepts, but he can exercise his will by finding ways that will satisfy the rule but that doesn’t lead to death for us. That’s where Jesus comes in. This is another food example I mentioned to my friend, God basically said: Ok. There’s a piece of cake. I have decided that I will not eat that piece of cake until noon. Since I am God and I cannot violate the rules I have established, I have to wait until 12pm to eat that cake. However, something happens and He can’t wait until noon to eat the cake. But, because he can’t just go back on his word, he has to find a way to eat the cake at 10am without violating the initial rule. Well, the only way for him to do that is if he buys the initial right to eat the cake. So, God in is infinite wisdom decides to put with his right hand a $5 bill on his left hand. He is paying himself for the right to now eat the cake at 10am. After doing that now he can eat the cake at 9am, at 10am, at 11am or at noon, whenever he wants.

To me that is just amazing. God suffers for us. He roots for us. He finds ways to help us. He wants our happiness. He loves us just the same, and gives us the same value even when he knows that if one makes it to hell or to heaven. He provides free access for us to live. He doesn’t unjustly kills us before we even have the chance to make a choice. If you look at it, we are the best pro-life or anti-death penalty argument there is. If God, the creator of the universe, the all-knowing being that sees our full timeline, allows us to live despite his knowing our end, why on earth would we decide to not let someone be born and/or live. Anyway, I digress. To stop my rambling, I just think that he is pretty cool. He is sovereign and yet he chooses to life for us despite our messed up nature.

I just feel bad for poor Ivi that had to hear all this stuff live. I'm sure she won't engage me in these type of crazy conversations again.

神様、愛している。

きのう、教会でイスターのプレセンタチョンがあった。すばらしかった。本当に。神様からの愛は比べることがない。どうしてあたしのことをそんなに愛されてるですか。まったく分からないけど喜びます。イエス様あたしのために死んだ。彼がそんなにあたしのこと愛しているだ。さいこじゃない？あたしの人生の一番大切なプレセント。

maybe it's because of Easter. or i have been going kinda crazy but i have no other way to say this but i'm in love. i'm in love with the most amazing being there is. i am in love with the one that loves me and cares for me. when i think of him i smile and when i see others through him a get this tenderness in my heart. yesterday i was on the bus and kept looking at the people passing by. i thought i was crazy. in my heart i had this feeling of love for those people even if i didn't know them. you know when you feel this tenderness towards somone because of nothing really. this happens to me usually with elderly people, but never with, like, bums on the street or college students. but yesterday as i looked at all the different faces passing in front of my bus window i could not help but think of them fondly and how God must love them so much more. does that make any sense? i think not. i wonder what this means? i wonder why i felt that way.

current iPod non-stop

so... "what does it mean to be a Dominican?"

I'm going to the ALPHA dinner next week. It's interesting how Hispanics in the US become very patriotic--much more probably than we would be back home? Not sure. In any event, I remember when I was in college and we had to prepare for a talent show of sorts. My assigment was to come up with a poem for the night. The event was sponored by the Latin American students association (ALC). The ALPHA dinner this year is celebrating our identity as Latinos/Hispanics with the them "Somos/We are". As I get ready to attend, I can't help but to remember the times when I was such an advocate for my culture and my people. I feel like I am still, however not as directly. I always long for that. I always long for the struggle. Now that I think about it, it probably isn't for 'mi raza' that I did it or want to keep doing it, it's mainly for me. To keep my identity as intact as I can possibly keep it. That's a tall order. I can see it now that I'm older. Slowly but sure traits of mainstream US culture are infiltrating my core and now there are times when I surprise myself. The good thing is that culture is culture and it's changeable. I can always morph into something else if the "freedom of expression", "democracy" and "equality" fail me somehow. :)

While in college in the whitest state in New England, I was always asked, "oh, you're Dominican? What does it mean to be Dominican?" Little punk kids from affluent suburbia wanted me to described what it meant to be a whole country? What does it mean to be American? US American? Native American? That question always rubbed me the wrong way. How do you answer that? If I say being Dominican is to dance, then I'm really not Dominican because I can't follow a merengue well. If I say to be Dominican is to eat rice and beans, then I might as well be Cuban, Puerto Rican, Cape Verdean, Japanese, Indian... Human beings are ridiculous when we are trying to be intellectual just for the sake of letting the world know we can think. The sad thing is that when we do that we usually just show our ignorance, which in the end just shows that we really don't think as we want others to believe. The irony. The horror.

Anyway, here's the poem. Now that I read it and my perspective has shifted just a bit, I feel is idealistic in its portrayal. However, I also feel it holds true to my individual cosmovision. I wrote it in 2000, I think.

So Much to Describe

You ask me for a poem about mi identidad,

Yet what you ask, I cannot describe.

I am a Latina, What else can I say?

Mi cultura is a mixture, of yesterday and today.

There is the indio whose color I got,

There is the Spaniards whose lengua I received, ¡Si!

And then there is the African whose ritmo you see…

So what's my identity?

I'll try to describe.

It's the shoeshine boy with his dirty clothes

Asking with a smile, "Hagase limpiar?"

It's the poet whose poem always makes me cry,

For he speaks of a land I miss like no one.

Mi identidad is America, Latinoamerica.

The spirit, the passion

Tortilla and wine

La siesta at 12:00

The uncles, the aunts

Los primos y primas,

Abuelas, abuelos,

The godfather, the godmother

¡La vecina!

Harmonia siempre igual.

My identity is the campesino who wakes up at the crack of dawn

with café en mano

to plant dreams that soon may be gone.

He works the land, many times not his

Yet in his eyes you see hope and dignity.

It's the fact that my island is "underdeveloped"

That my voice yet loud cannot be heard

Mi identidad is the food that you eat when invited by ALC,

It's the poems you hear, las historias we share when Julia Alvarez speaks.

My identidad is one we can all share

Whether your from India, London or not so near.

Mi identidad, mi cultura, mi gente ( my people)

Mi orgullo, my pride

It's the sadness of a poor child working to survive,

But it is also the beauty of a familia

playing fútbol at the town's park.

Mi identidad…is so much, so much to describe.

well, well, well...

it's going to be my birthday in exactly one month. i don't know how i feel about being older but i guess it's inevitable. it's also a blessing to see another year of life. i said this was going to be a good decade and so far, it has been pretty good. the see what the other 9 years to it will bring. :)

The Great Divorce

I just finished reading The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. The book is a total riot. Lewis was an amazing thinker, man of God and author. I loved the book!! For the two to three days I was reading it, I couldn't put it down. It's about this guy who takes a bus that goes from Hell to Heaven and when he gets to heaven a series of events happen and he meets a bunch of other people that exemplify our struggles as humans to understand God and the amazing being, concept, state and all that He is. I really, really liked this book. I wished it were longer. But anyway, I just think it is amazing how some people have such great gifts and can write really cool stuff.

One day I'd love to write a book and see what comes out of my brain. It's just crazy to think that someone can write something that touches other people and/or awakens their sense of wonder or perspective of the world. Anyway, I think it's pretty awesome. I want to do something in life; something that brings good to others.

Anyway, going back to The Great Divorce. It is crazy all the things that we hold on to that keep us from knowing God, truly knowing Him. The book as amazing examples of people that just have to realize what's holding them and even when someone else is telling them what it is, they don't understand it. It's pretty ironic, but such is our life.

Oh, wait. I'll be back.

ufff, another frantic shopping season is over. valentine's day is an interesting holiday. people seem to be so into it. i don't really celebrate it but i also don't dress in black to protest it. i find it interesting that people have to choose a day to show love. why on earth would you just not do so whenever you feel like it? i guess there are many reasons. as i think of this, i totally have to self-examine. i don't really show love to people on a regular basis, at least not in the conventional way. recently, i have been having some uncomfortable conversations regarding the topic of love. a friend of mine keeps telling a group of people working together that we do not show love and do not act in a loving way--specifically towards her but also in general. i can't speak for other people but i do not think that we should demand/expect love from people just like that. we're talking in the Christian context with this group so the concept of love is one of those things that's always being brought up. i feel that people should allow for love to develop rather than making others show a certain kind of love that ultimately could be lacking in the genuineness department. this is something that i have to change but i cannot be loving to someone who show very clearly that they want or need my love. i feel constrained by the neediness and feel that i am not being genuine in showing love to that person because of the fact that i am now answering to a request rather than doing it out of my own will and desire. is that weird? i guess it's one of those things i have to work one but at the same time i understand where i'm coming from so it may not be completely bad.

i like honesty. if i'm going to show love to someone i want to do it because i feel like doing it rather than being forced or coerced to do it. however, i also understand that there are times when i need to show love to someone even if i'm not 100% sure that i feel like doing so. some things left unsaid or some things ignored to me is loved. i find myself doing that a lot. where i feel someone is doing something completely opposite to what i would like them to do but i knowingly choose to ignore it so that i can accept them and "love" them at that particular moment. i find that sometimes someone is saying something that i know is wrong and they are basing it on emotions that have a different source from what they're telling me; and yet, i choose to listen and understand them out of love. maybe my definition of love is quite poor but when talking about love--and not the romantic kinda--i feel that the ways to show love in my world are many times silent. love is shown by the words not said, by the actions not taken, by the lies ignored. love is sometimes choosing to allow for others to be and for you to be with me even if that's not where you want to be. that's not to say that people will feel loved by me. which leads to my other questions, if people do not identify with the way i love them, does it really matter if i love them? to me the answer is yes. i do not love people so that they feel loved--as odd as that sounds--ultimately, i love people because God asks me to, and because by doing so, the world can see him. so in the end, if He knows that i am doing things out of love, then that's what counts. i'm banking on the hope that people will then understand my way of loving them if they understand the source of it.

boy if i had a buck for every time i said the word love here, i'd be pimping. :)

Basho...

この道や

行く人なしに

秋のくれ

Along this road, goes no one, this Autumn eve.

I like this haiku a lot. It's one of the most famous ones by Basho. It has most of the things I like in it: solitude, quiet walks, Autumn evening/sunset...

I have spent the past 2.5 weeks working and around people constantly. I find that I need to have some quiet time for myself and not being able to do it makes things much more complex. Either I have grown used to it, or I was born with an affinity to solitude. Many people confuse solitude with lonliness. However, I mean solitude; the act of being alone but not necessarily lonely. There are moments were I feel lonely and I'm not alone, so I guess loneliness is irrespective of being accompanied by someone or not.

Anyway, I really enjoy my solitude. Maybe that's why I like my room quite a bit. It feels like I can just be and not worry about all that needs to be done. I am a workaholic and that makes me be around people most of the time. I really need to change that. I need to learn to enjoy things without me being involved in the work they entail. Lately I have been trying to say "No" to things that I feel I will not be able to meet and/or enjoy. I am always serving and helping, which is great but sometimes it leaves no time for me to take care of basic things in my life. I wish I had many more hours to devote to whatever comes my way. I want a healthier approach to serving. I need to focus on life/work balance. I think some people overdo it and they're always taking care of themselves, but others, me included, can overdo it the other way around.

In any event, Basho's haiku makes me remember those good moments where all one needs is God's spirit showing you the amazing things around you. An empty road, a beautiful quiet Autumn or Winter eve...

heart.connect.trust.follow

People will not follow a leader they do not trust. People cannot trust a leader they can't connect with. And people can't connect with a leader with whom they can't find their heart.

Dan Reiland

amistad

recientemente me reencontré con una amiga la cual tenía mucho de no ver. hay personas en este mundo que no necesitan ser vistas todo el tiempo. ella, becca, es así. con verla una vez cada 3 o 4 años es suficiente. es como si el tiempo con ella es de tanta y tanta calidad que me surte para rato. en este momento ella vive en virginia y está planeando su boda. hay novias que te cansan con hablar de la boda, el vestido, la comida, la música, el lugar... ella no. la boda es en septiembre y tiene el lugar, la DJ, y el rabino. lo de más falta pero ella va muy campante y sonante. la gente le está diciendo que se apure y parece estar volviéndose un poco más ansiosa pero no una bridezilla. eso me gusta. becca tiene una naturaleza calmada y apaciente. nos conocimos en una agencia donde trabajábamos y hemos sido amigas desde entonces. creo que seremos amigas por mucho tiempo; ese es mi deseo.

los dos días que pase en su casa--casi literalmente--los pasamos conversando. nevó mucho en virginia los días que estuve allí así que no hubo mucho que hacer. pero aun así me disfrute mucho la visita. también conocí a su prometido rick. es un chico muy amable de ascendencia Taiwanesa que está estudiando español. me parecen una pareja muy acoplada y bonita. pero volviendo a becca. hay personas que te traen una sonrisa sin mucho esfuerzo. ella me parece así. con becca no se siente miedo. con becca no se siente presión. con becca no se siente una acorralada. con becca no se siente que algo falta. así es becca. no es mucho lo que haga o diga, sino lo que hace sentir. a mí me gustaría ser mas como ella, pero cada una tiene lo suyo. lo que si se es que hay amistades donde las cosas se dan. donde no hay peleas, tareas, estándares, ni cambios drásticos por hacer. esas amistades son un refugio. creo que necesitaba ver a becca y no lo sabía. necesitaba uno de esos amigos donde las cosas son orgánicas y una no tiene que hacer malabares para poder compartir trivialmente con el otro.

hasta hace poco me he sentido que una de mis amistades es así. todo es trabajo; todo es estructura; todo es mejoramiento personal para poder acoplarse. no creo que la amistad tenga de ser así. sin embargo elijo ser amiga de esta persona y eso también tiene su lugar. es importante retarse de vez en cuando. de todos modos, creo que voy a tener que escribir mi filosofía de amistad y presentarla a mis futuros amigos. decir, "bueno, esto es lo que yo creo que debe ser una amistad. crees que puedes acoplarte a ello?" para mí eso suena ridículo. una amistad es diferente a todas las demás. los matices que una relación tiene con alguien no pueden ser copiados para otra. cada lio tiene sus propios nudos. así me gusta la amistad: distintiva, singular, orgánica y sin restricción. creo que en este mundo moderno complicamos nuestras relaciones interpersonales demasiado. nos creemos saber demasiado y luego nos jodemos. yo quiero mi amistad como un bueno jugo de frutas, mientras más natural y con menos aditivos mejor. ahhh...

Lifeboat

I found this poem that I wrote a while back. I don't really remember why I wrote it. However, I think I remember who it is about. One of my extended family members who at that time I thought was very selfish. It's interesting how time passes and you find yourself changed. I still think this person is selfish to some extent. On the other hand, so am I.

Lifeboat

I’m drowning, sinking deep into a drop of ink
I’m drowning in a sea of people
In an ocean of noises
In a delta of tears

I’m drowning and the palm of your hand closes
Instead of reaching out to my direction
Like a reflex you pull in towards yourself

I’m drowning but my screams are ignored
You turn around to your happy world
You look for refuge while I’m out in the cold

I’m drowning and you complain
Why must my misery ruin your day?
Maybe if I had not let go so soon now I wouldn’t be screwed, uh?

I’m drowning and you point your finger
You don’t stretch out your arm
Deceit, anger, hate, resentment all combined
From me to you, from yours to mine

I sleep on cardboard that makes me happy
It’s what I want, I just don’t care
I look at you, you look at me and see nothing
A blank stare

I’m drowning
In the puddle of my dreams
On the canvas of my hope... I'm gone.

You’re drowning now, you’re screaming now
You’re thinking now, you’re crying now
Had you stretched out your arm,
Had you given me the palm of your hand,
Had I not drowned…maybe you could have been saved?

Oh, you’re screwed now
I guess destiny just ruined your day

conference, conference, conference

oh boy. I have been in Arlington, VA for a conference for work. it's pretty much the final conference that i'm going to from our funder, the Federeal gov't. the funding from for my program has been pulled. not very happy with Mr. Obama on that right now. it's pretty much the first thing he pulled. abstinence education is out the window unless some things miraculously change. but i'm not anxious. i'm sure God will do something. He's done it in the past, and will definitely do it now.

anyway, the conference is interesting because most people take any moment to vent for the situation. it was crazy. conferences for work are just so interesting. i'm also stuck with my boss, which is ok but sometimes it is draining. i feel like i'm with a giant child of sorts. we're talking with people and he forgets really key things like comments he had made and/or information they had told him--where they're from, what they do, etc. i really do not know how he does fundraising and relationship building when he is so forgetful. jeesh. it's really interesting. i find myself trying to cover a blunder here and there but i also feel it's not my job to be his social police. i have pretty much had bfast, lunch and dinner with him for the past three days, except for a one night when i decided to do room service. it is so funny. it has been draining on both the conference side and the post-conference hours.

in any event, Wednesday night was hilarious though. we went to McCormick & Smick's for dinner. it was the two Luis, Francisco-Javier-Giovanni, my boss, Sarai, Larisa, our Boston program partner, Los and our waiter Ramzi. we sat at a huge table in the back. Luis had talked to the manager the night before so we were a very VIP table and service. we played the capitals of the world game--boys vs. girls. at one point Los goes, "Did you know that Haiti and the DR share the same island?" everyone was laughing hysterically. Los was very serious and thought he had a vital piece of new information. As Los asked, "Y'all knew that?" Luis answered, "That's 'cause they went to school dog!" Poor Los. It was too funny. To redeem himself, later that night Los created a sculpture with pepper shaker, two large glasses, two toothpicks and two forks. basically the toothpicks were holding the forks as they were suspended on top of the pepper shaker. the manager, the waiters, and the rest of the crew were taking pictures of the thing. it was hilarious. that was the highlight of my time here. it's over tomorrow so it's cool. i'm hanging out with Becca for the weekend so i'm looking forward to it. it's been a while since we saw each other. i'm excited!

anyway, after being in this people-intense week i feel like i need a breather and will just crash at home as soon as I can to watch my little korean dramas--alone.

a crazy God... that's what He is.

Sunday at church my boss, and associate pastor, was preaching about Emmanuel. he was going down the different aspects of the phrase "God in/among/with us" which is what the name means. he talked about Jesus being in us, as in inside of a person's heart, soul and body through the Holy Spirit. then he talked about God in us, as in God encouraging us and being "in" on it with us all the way. the part that i have been thinking about was the one about God among us, as in when Jesus became flesh and came to earth. it must have been so mind boggling for Jesus to come down to earth and take on all the human #$%^@ around this place and just be. i can't imagine that. in his sermon, the pastor mentioned how God wants to be our friend. he wants to be our friend and loves us so badly that he send His son to become human and die for us. to me that is a crazy, yes, c-r-a-z-y God. how can He possibly want to be with us so much? how can He possibly love us so? it's just so amazing that God wants to be my friend. He wants me to tell Him all the things that matter to me. He wants to matter to me too. and it's not because He can't find other friends--heck, if he wanted He could created Himself a few billion friends--but because i am important to Him. i have been thinking about those words not because they were majorly deep but because they were sent for my heart. there was a sense of "ah..." in my mind and heart at that moment. out of the whole sermon the only thing that I could think about was, "God wants to be my friend." boy, i am dying to be God's true friend. i have this hunger to be in perfect xyztpslovwrism with God. yeh, i know that's not a real word. but i just don't know how to describe it; i don't think that i can. there's this overwhelming need, inclination, thirst, sense of wonder, etc. to know Him, sense Him, know when He speaks to me, when He tells me to do or not do. sometimes it's tiring; sometimes invigorating. anyway, the bottom line is that He, He, He! wants to be my friend 1,000,000x than i wan to be His. to me that's just crazy. only a crazy being would want to be friends with me. only a crazy being would be His most precious treasure for me... to be my friend. geeshh, all He had to do was invite me to a good dinner. you can easily win me over with good food. nah, I know that wouldn't be enough but it's just hard to comprehend why God would go to such lengths to be able to be my friend. every time i think of it, it gets more complicated. but the only thing I know is that He is my friend, my father, my Savior, my all. i can call on Him anytime and He's always there. i can talk to Him about anything and He listens and cares. i can love him all i can and know that He loves me back so much more. there's no fear of getting hurt or betrayed; there's no fear of not being good enough; there's no fear of Him leaving me or changing all of the sudden; there's no fear of Him misunderstanding; there's no fear of Him getting bored or Him getting angry to the point that He won't speak to me again; there's no fear. He's just crazy that way. I love Him for it, and the best part is that He loves me. crazy, I tell ya. crazy.

Merry Christmas!

wow. it's Christmas! i like this time of the year. i've grown to like it. i spent Nochebuena with Yajaira's family and my family. i kept driving back and forth between the two houses. it's was quite a feast. they also had a yankee swap which was nice. i got a big candle which came in handy last night to make my room less stuffy. it as a Y's brother's new home. the usual suspects were there plus a couple of people from our host's side. a bit abnoxious little guy with his wife but overall seemingly nice people. i had fun. however, right before heading out north for the dinner i decided to go on a little adventure; i.e. go get a xmas tree. yep. Christmas Eve at 5:00pm and I'm looking for a tree. finally i stopped at the flower place in union square an got a tree. it was $25 and it's not bad looking. a hispanic guy working there helped me put it in my trunk--yes, my little VW jetta trunk--and i drove home with a big smile on my face. i think i pulled a back muscle trying to get it out of the car but finally it worked. i hauled it up the stairs and decorated it, if i can call it that. i forgot that we only had like 4 ornaments left along with the lights. so, the tree has lights, 4 bolitas, 2 tamboritas--that my mom gave me after the fact--lots of randome ribbons i found in the house, and the netting that it came wrapped in as a tree trunk covering. neat, uh?

my brother asked if he could sleep here last night becuase he was going to do some stuff with his girlfriend in the morning. after he left i've spent all day on the couch watching old BBC movies. i really like those Jane Austen-ish type movies. it's ridiculous how many of those I can see or books i can read on them. i made japanese style curry rice and opened a bottle of wine. intermittently i keep thinking of the current mr. wrong... well, he's not wrong, i guess he's just "mr. can't-be." love is so obsessive and i can't describe how frustrated i am for like this guy. even if he were madly in love with me--which I can't guarantee he is--i would not be able to compromise my beliefs and everything i hold dear to be with him. it seems like i'd have to really be in an unbalance relationship where i know that the number one thing in my life--God--is not even a consideration in his mind. then why, after knowing that, do i continue to have him engraved in my brain? why then do i long to have him close and share my xmas with him and his dorky self? i don't get it. i have been fighting with myself for the past couple of weeks because i really do not want to think of this guy. i do not want him to creep up in my thoughts or anything closely to him to contaminate my life. the more i try, the worse it gets. it's tiring. it's frustrating. i just want him to go away. i just want him to leave me alone. i just want his lack of attention to not bother me. i don't want the fact that we are completely opposite culturally, racially, religiously, professionally, etc. to bother me. i don't want the fact that his friends seem like people that i'd never be able to connect with not to bother me. i don't want to want to be part of his life. i don't want to want to cook for him and be there when he's tired or sad. i do not want to meet the darn dog he keeps saying is really cute and that i'd like a lot. i don't want any of this... yet it's here. and this is how poisonous it is that i am here having a nice Christmas Day all fine and suddenly i find myself blogging about him. why?!

i just want to be free from this. i just want to be able to leave this darn limbo of wanting and being and knowing i can't. it's ridiculous. but anyway. i'll be fine. i feel better. i texted a friend in NY to see if he was around to vent but then i realized that i have to deal with this on my own and sort out these thoughts myself. no one can really help me get over this.

but you know what's kinda crazy? that even in the mist of all this frustration i still feel this sort of joy within me. i think this is what people talk about when they say that God gives you joy even in the craziest of situations. i feel happy but i'm sulking on mr. can't-be. that doesn't make sense, don't it? i also just feel elated for the season. the fact that Jesus was born and died for me and that at this very moment I get to celebrate his birthday--even if it really wasn't this time of year, etc., etc. i'm happy. i feel blessed and i can't explain why. it's just an amazing feeling of security and peace and joy. the more i think about it the more i can't explain it and the more i conclude that i'm nuts. :) i love it. anyway, merry Christmas! i guess this is the meaning of the season, inexplicable, crazy joy that the Father has blessed us with through the Son so that we can blog about it to random people, family and friends. God definitely has a sense of humor. xoxo