Aruba... day 2

after our long night at crappy Chino Latino we woke up and headed straight to town in search of a supermarket. we found the area where supermarkets are but first we make a stop at the flea market. we found lots of touristy trinkets and stuff that we didn't buy. it wasn't an impressive flea market but here are some pictures.

the guy with the chicken had enough to feed the whole island. there was a lot of bird on that grill. the funniest thing is that the fire truck was parked right across the street with its radio blasting and all the smoke and chicken aroma heading its way. had someone just been looking at the scene out of context it would have been hilarious.

these little dolls were cute but the Haitian ladies selling them were not as nice. i tried on a hat and the woman was insisting that it looked fine when i knew that i looked awful in it.

"Mr. G.I. Joe" took his surveillance job very seriously. doesn't he look it? i thought so. he wouldn't take those darn sunglasses off. it's like he's an overseas vampire. once the trip the glasses come on as soon as sunlight hits. he he.

anyway, afterwards we went to the hotel suite to make ourselves some yummy sandwiches and headed to the beach. Bianni rented a jet ski while i sun bathed in the sun chatting it up with the jet ski dude. it was so relaxing. Evelyn & Santi's welcome dinner was later that night so we had to go to the hotel and get ready for it. it was quite nice. i got to it a bit late but didn't miss much since they were rehearsing the wedding ceremony and stuff. i was really, really happy to see Alainie there. i love Alainie. she's just so cool and easygoing. one doesn't have to worry much when around her. her genuineness and carefreeness is just so liberating. i'm glad we got to live together. anyway, i digress. i'll pause here and continue later. :D

Aruba.... day 1

so... Bianni and I got to Aruba late this evening--barely. in Atlanta, we started walking around the food court trying to decide what to eat and make it to the gate about 5 minutes before departure. we were so close to the gate that we thought we'd hear when they were calling people to board. the nice Delta crew yelled at us and finally we made it onto the place. i kept being afraid every time the plane took a dip and he kept making fun of me. not a very nice travel buddy when one is scared. we got to the airport. it's a nice, clean airport in Oranjestad. we went to the car rental place and the lady there was not too friendly. then she said she was Dominican too but had been in Aruba for 15+ years. she was very nice at the end and I asked her if she knew of a church to which she said yes and told me where her church was since she's herself an evangelical christian. we got a tiny car, completely different from what we had reserved. anyway, it was fun to drive to the hotel. i drove. roads in Aruba are very clear and signaling is quite easy to follow. we had a bit of a hard time finding hotel without a clear map, but we got there eventually. the hotel was ok. nothing out of this world but comfortable and clean. there's a good pool but we're not on the beach. after settling in, we headed out. Chino Latino's fusion food sucks. please do not go there. the music was Ok. nothing to die for though. the crowd was interesting. i mix of tourist and locals.

there was this guy that looked kinda sad the whole time--i think he was just trying to be sexy. :D after i saw him smile and dance a bit i told him that i was glad to see him do so because all night he looked like he wasn't enjoying himself. he laughed.

we walked back to our hotel and had a super crappy sandwich that they sold there. tomorrow, there's no way that we're not going to the supermarket. we have a kitchen in our room for peter's sake. there's not need to eat moldy bread.

it was a good first day in Aruba. i'm looking forward to the rest of the trip. day 2 is coming later...

clean bill of health & absentminded male nurse

i went for a complete physical today. it was the quickest physical ever. my goodness. i felt like i was being interrogated by a KGB agent or something--my doc is Russian. my cholesterol is "perfect" she said. everything is pretty much good except for the fact that i need to lose weight. i need to get on it.

prior to meeting with the doc i was weighed, measured and ushered into the examination room by a nurse or medical assistant of sorts. his name was Addil or something like that. it is the first time i have a male nurse at the doc's office. usually they are all females. he was funny. when he came to get me i was in the middle of a text so i apologized for texting and walking but i had to finish it. as he weighed me i was texting. then when he went to measure my height he hit my head with the little measuring bar. it was really funny. he then asked all the routine questions including, "when was your last menstrual period, with an specific date please?" and "if you are sexually active, is your partner usually male or female?" he clarified that he has to ask these questions to everyone. i guess my facial expression was like, "uh?" he took my blood pressure and it was low, so he asked, is it usually like that? to which i answered no. he left the room and said nothing else. then came back to tell me to change in to a Johnnie and that he had forgotten. :D

after the examination i was instructed to go back to the front desk by the doc. he was there. i gave him the paperwork and a tube. he was to take the little glass container and put a label on it--from the ones on the sheet of paper--and send me on my way to the lab for blood work. he took the tube and sent me on my way. as i was going down the stairs he came running asking for one of the labels on the sheet, which he had forgotten. i don't know if it was his first day or he was distracted, but i'm glad he's a medical office assistant and not a surgeon or other possibly lethal role in that building that can really mess things up. he was funny and nice but i don't know that i want him--and his forgetfulness--to take care of me anytime soon. :D

white sand beaches, papiamento, butterfly farm... here i come!

i am going to Aruba this weekend for my friend/ex-housemate's wedding. can't wait to explore that island. i am really looking forward to being there for the wedding as well as taking a break--albeit short--to relax and reflect. i am hoping to do nothing expect enjoy the beach and decompress. my friend Bianni is coming with me and i'm really hoping that he won't want to do everything under the sun in a mere two days. it's funny how the prospect of an escape can really alter your mood and reality. it's all i can think of. in any case.

i am missing a couple of things this weekend but it's all worth it. i will be in Aruba! hello me? i am thinking that i should have taken a longer vacation rather than 5 days but it'll be all good. a weekend is good enough, no? i just need some time to think and ponder life's biggest questions as i sip a piñita coladita looking at the clear aquamarine waters of the beautiful beaches in Aruba. i'm totally ♥ing it already. :D

on another note, i was reading up a bit on demonology. don't know why i was drawn to the topic--that's how bad my procrastination is. it is quite intriguing and scary at the same time. we know so little about these forces that pretty influence our whole existence on an everyday basis. on the other hand, i feel so relieved that i have nothing to fear against these beings because i am completely cover and cleansed by the blood of Jesus. not to say that i shouldn't acknowledge what they are and their power but i also know that He who is in me has overcome all of them together once and for all. that sense of relief and protection is the best feeling ever. knowing that i do not have to worry and that God cares for me and my well being enough to protect me is amazing. i feel so blessed and love right now. it is funny how a bit of curiosity can take a person thru so many different emotions in a span of a half hour.

¡no hay cosa más engañosa que el corazón!

i love it. so the old friend that i was confused about--whether i liked him or not--is no longer an issue. i don't know why but ever since i was commanded with the task for finding him a girlfriend i no longer feel drawn towards him. maybe because i realized that most of the time he was spending and stuff he was doing while i was visiting NY were not directed to me but to the female friend i was with. how awesome is that? it sounds a bit weird and lame that i am rejoicing that he didn't really care about me but it is quite liberating. i guess i know have no reason to like him or be confused. i am free!

some things i learned today...

-it is easy to oversleep when one goes to bed very late the night before;

-apricot danish at Mariposa Bakery is totally delicious;

- planning a trip to India takes a lot of work;

- having a friend who plans the trip to India is pretty awesome;

-the map/travel store in Harvard Square doesn't have a very visible Caribbean section;

-Berk's shoe store doesn't have as many cool shoes as it used to;

- a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning is perfect breeding ground for clumsy Harvard tourists;

-some women should not wear certain dresses;

-Ito En pear white green tea is pretty good;

-the Japonaise bakery in Porter Sq. now has ice cream?! coconut ice cream??!!;

-the word subungual, and how not to tell it to an Emergency Room operator;

-never, ever, leave your house in a hurry and try to strap your sandals while sitting on an old porch that's prone to give you a kickass subungual splinter;

-Facebook friends can give you pretty good advice on removing splinters;

-this hurts:

-splitting your nail with scissors and then removing a piece of old wood with needle & tweezers is not as cool when you're doing it as when you're blogging about it;

-watermelon can be a good pretend-anesthesia; AND

- i finger with splinter-free nail is a happy finger. :D

日本！日本！日本！

i just booked a flight to Japan! yeeepeeeee! i am so excited. i will be there for the Thanksgiving break. i have not been there in 10 years and i'm really looking forward to it. let the good trip-planning times begin. :D 本当に楽しみにしています。でも、行く前にすごい練習しなきゃ。頑張ります！

it's funny to run into someone from your recent past and be in a somewhat uncomfortable situation. i went to a friend's house and ran into my old make-out buddy. he is too funny and weird, and cute. had this been a different time... i love those kinds of moments where in a second you're like, "shoot, can i just run?" given that my life is at a completely different place, him being there reminded me of moments that i now look back at and wonder if i'd change them if i could. as we talked, his playfulness with my pointy shoe and knee was just so endearing in a way. there he was, telling me about how he's into bunging jumping + other extreme sports. i love his summer freckles. life has an interesting way of reminding you of things. at the end as he was leaving he asked, "so you're not back until the 28th, uh? que pena." i'm going to Aruba for next week.

i want to buy a house somewhere so that i can--in no particular order of importance...

+ have a kickass flower-veggie garden to plant in Spring & Summer

+ build a (handmade) barbacoa pit and clay pizza oven in the backyard

+ walk around naked whenever i want

+ invite people over for dinner parties without major scheduling planning

+ paint the walls with crazy colors

+ have a super-sweet laundry room where i can dump stuff instead of my room

+ finally buy the platform bed i want without worrying about having to move

and the pain it would be to move it

+ not do the dishes for weeks without having to worry about it--not that i do now, anyway

+ have french doors in my room--provided that it can withstand remodeling for it

+ have planters by the windwos and herbs by the sink window to use in cooking

+ go crazy baking stuff all the time without worrying about my roommates paying for gas

+ have a sense of freedom to do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. :D

los por ques de hoy

it's weird when you want someone to give you their undivided attention but they don't. when you want them so have eyes just for you but they don't. when you crave for them their every thought to be linked to you. when you feel jealous if they seem to gravitate towards someone or something else. when you want them to suffer because you know that when they are in pain they look for you. when you want them to genuinely be happy but in their heart there is always a space for happiness just with you. when they are your accomplice and they follow your instructions to the t even if they don't know it. when they long for you and let you know of it without words. it is weird when you don't have any words that give you any of that which you most crave from one particular being on this earth. even when you know that you don't want to, nor would consider being in a relationship with them, you're still selfish enough to want to have them next to you wanting to convince you otherwise.

i hate facing the fact that i may not be such a nice person as i would like to think. that i have really murky feelings that center completely around me and are pretty mean/evil in nature. why make someone love you--as if i could--or better said, why have the desire of someone to love you when you may never, never allow yourself to truly love them back. why want to drag someone into a never-ending battle when you know that at the end, their efforts will not lead to victory? i confuse myself. i want to have control of those not-so-clear feelings and can't. it is very disempowering. why? why is that? why is it so complicated--or i make it so? why am i so burden by this? why can't i just let it go? why do i have this obsession? i have no idea, but i wish i could. that way i'd know the source of it and hopefully be able to kill it once and for all. sigh.

friend crush

after a long interpretation this Sunday at church--we had a guest preacher that really was all over the place--i went with my friend Ivette for food in JP. i was craving Dominican style crab meat with tostones. unfortunately, i couldn't find any. we decided on some Cuban food at this mediocre joint in JP. as we walked in we ran into one of the guys from church. he is a quiet-looking guy who is part of the young adults group. we sat with him as he finished his food and stayed there for almost an hour? not sure. we laughed a lot. i think i have a friend-crush on him. like the equivalent of a man-crush but for a girl. i am not talking about a romantic crush but more the likes of a guy friend kinda of crush. i think he would be a great guy to have as a friend. he is really cool. he isn't pretentious and very humble in his ways it seems. he is also funny and seems pretty balanced when it comes to his ego. i feel like asking him out for some activity or something but the thought feels weird. i've never asked a guy out on a play date.

why is it that adults can't be like when we were little kids? when you were able to just ask people to be your friends; when harassing your peers a little wasn't abnormal--harass as in wanting to play with them and having your intentions/feelings clearly displayed without having to be cool. sometimes i wish i were like that still. when i had the freedom to do that. although i don't really recall ever being too clingy. if i remember correctly, i think i have mostly been this way since i can remember.

i really shouldn't drive when i'm tired

i left work probably about a 1/2hr ago--yah, i know, lame, specially on a friday night. anyway, on my way i was just a really, really horrible driver. i was trying to find my cell phone to call a restaurant near my house for takeout. that was slowing me down. then i finally zoomed thru the tunnel and sped off to my exit like no one else was around. i proceeded to cut some people off while attempting to make a light that I knew was going to be red by the time i got there. i slammed on my breaks. luckily, i drive a stick shift so it is a lot easier--and less noisy--to break frantically. i then proceeded to pull the clutch too quickly and the car turned off. no worries. i sped off and took a shortcut to get to the restaurant on time. the shortcut was a one way street in which i was driving the opposite way after i cut off a cabbie that was patiently waiting for the light go change--go figure. i realized my dumbness and proceeded to try a three-point turn. this was a very narrow street and other cars where coming so backing out of someone's driveway surrounded by big vehicles was not as easy as i thought it would be. in my attempt the car turned off again; clutch out too soon. finally i took the right street to get to the takeout place and as i approached the corner where this joint is i realized that there is a parking spot at the very corner of the intersection where the restaurant it. my mind proceeds to think that i can reverse with traffic behind me and basically take an inverse L turn to get the precious parking space--like many others around me. so finally i realize that half the world hates me and i decided to keep going and then do a Uie. finally i park about four parking spots pass the restaurant, on the opposite side. go in. get my pupusas and leave. on my way back i dutifully make my stop at a stop sign but start going a bit slow so other people think i'm letting them go but i'm not--so i probably looked like an idiot if they were nice; or a bitch if having a bad day. finally i make it home but not until the car technically turns off again because i took the clutch out before putting it in neutral. is that a crazy commute back home or what?

civic duty

so i had jury duty today. i was assigned to go to Lowell's juvie court for it, check this, AT 8AM! what the heck. who plans these schedules? needless to say i forgot to borrow the GPS navigator from my office so i got lost on my way there--just a little bit. then i found myself at the intersection where i needed to be, so technically i wasn't lost, really. when i got there, it had been cancelled. the security guard suggested that i go to district court to get credit for it. getting credit for it meant me staying there. i thought it would be an in & out thing. i stayed thru the whole process. sat in the empanelment group for a civil case but luckily didn't get picked. then we were all let go. there was this somewhat cute asian guy that i felt kept looking my way. he was funny. after the empanelment i changed seats--i was sitting between this old white guy and the asian guy--to move towards a window. he got up, walked towards me and leaned a bit... to look out the window. it was a bit random. :)

prior to the empanelment they gave us a little brake to get coffee and stuff. i had parked at a meter and it had expired. i got a $20 ticket. that sucks. i was on jury duty, for Pete's sake! AND the ticket was timed for 9:25am but when i got there it was just 9:22! that meter person was a total punk.

anyway, i didn't get to seen any juicy criminal action but i least i don't have to go for at least three years. it was my very first jury duty appearance. i'm glad i was able to do and fulfill my duty but it's not that hot.

flight

from time to time i get a very pressing feeling that i want to go away. i feel like i want to go somewhere where i can reinvent myself and just be what i always have wanted to be but couldn't. it is weird but i just want to run, run far. at this point many of the things around kinda burden me more than fulfill me. it's weird that even my family doesn't bring that sense of connectedness that i feel i need to find. the only truly thing that is constant is God. i feel that He is the only anchor in my life and that all things lead His way but along that way i feel a bit bruised. i don't know.

it's time to renew my lease and start setting plans for the next year. i don't want to do it. but then, i need a place to live. i also can't stop thinking of my relationship with this particular individual of the opposite sex that is pretty much confusing the heck out of me. it's hard when one can't control feelings that spur out of nowhere. wth? i don't get it. that's another nightmare. i just want to be free and live life as i feel i'm intended to. why can't i do that? why can't i be a simpler person? why do i have to complicate everything with irrelevant feelings? why???!!!!!

on another note, Gwendy and i went to a brazilian restaurant today and the food was pretty good. then we went to the christian science park and had a little drink-nic by the fountain. it sounds kinda horrible but we were having some--really good, by the way--Guatemalan rum. i felt like we were such alchies. it rained a bit but not enough to make a difference. this is the second time we go to that park to drink. last time during a warm-ish winter night with Prosecco, and now it was a nice summer evening with Guatemalan rum, and at a church. this has to be wrong in someone's book. :D

lazy saturday

i'm home doing nothing. watching tv on my bed and being a total bum. this feels so good. gosh! it has been a while since i have done this. however, i can't really enjoy it because i feel guilty. i have so many things to do. it's not even funny.

i was up until about 2am last night. after talking to a friend on the phone i went to bed and woke up at around 9am when another friend texted me. what the heck? it's Saturday! why do people text before 9am? nah, just kidding. anyway, the friend i was speaking with last night is the same one that caused all my confusion after the 7/4 weekend. last night, however, i guess that i didn't feel as confused. now i am though. we were talking about his "game" and how he needs to start asking people out and stuff. after being married for a while he has lost practice, he says. it didn't bother me to hear that so what does that mean? that i no longer care? but then i really don't care about people who are not connected to him--like the girl asking him out at the store--but i do about people who are in his life. i don't get it. why am i so confused about this? i have to sort things out.

Worcester on a Sunday morning.

I just came back from Wos-tah from an event sponsored by a local church. they invited to go promote my program. while at the park where the event was taking place, and right next to the children's play area, i stumbled upon a used 'heroin(?)' needle. what a sad sight that was for me. but also a reminder of why that event was taking place and the need that the city has for God to touch its people and free them. a number of homeless folk came to the table and wrote down their names along with prayer requests. under the colunm labeled 'address' most of them left it blank and some put shelter, others put 'casa'. what a vivid reminder of how gracious God has been with me and so blessed i am to have a place to take refuge whenever i want. wow. the Spirit can really speak to you in a variety of ways. hopefully i will be able to listen and see what He is trying to tell me more and more.

"L"is for the way you look at me...

Just came back from Erin and Darwin's wedding. It was such a nice ceremony and reception. Not way fun reception because it was a bit long but a really, really nice one. I fell in love with the carp and the lanterns hanging from it. The venue was her parents back yard. It reminded my weddings are such a great thing after all. Love is in the air and people are just happy. The couple dances and kisses. It is just so cool. I hope to have a small, simple, elegant wedding as they did one day. I'm in the mood for love.

They played this song at the wedding and I was just so happy to hear it. The also played "What a wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. I can go to bed now with a fuzzy feeling. :D

Jasiel, sigues intacta en la fibra de mi alma; como un verso que al leerse se renueva. Ahí estás, Jasiel, en lo eterno cada vez que escucho a Pedro Guerra; cada vez que observo en una mapa donde este Vermont o Japón o República Dominicana. Sintiéndote cerca te he extrañado tanto. Sería imposible olvidar a alguien a quien tanto debo. Comida, chistes, anécdotas y el abrazo cálido de una latina en los montes verdes e impetuosos. (2003)

This is the excerpt from one of the best letters I have ever received in my life. My friend José, a poet and amazing soul, sent me this letter from Puerto Rico after we spent a summer in Vermont studying Japanese in a immersion program. It was a hard summer for him and adapting to the very distant way of the US for a person coming from a Caribbean island for the first time--to VT of all places--was tough. I was happy to meet him there and to afterwards have him write me some of the great letters I keep as mementos for posterity. I read it maybe every two years. It is a source of inspiration and courage. It is funny how things like a letter can become such a powerful tool. I am sure he didn't think it would be that way when he was writing it. Life is funny that way.

bachata and wine night

so i'm still not happy to with my little confusion. it seems as if my life is a bit of a mess now but it doesn't really feel that way. i have decided to ignore FB pictures when they come up (just decided though). it is not healthy to keep looking at things that make me feel weird. yes, weird. what else would you call when you feel jealousy towards someone you don't know for someone you have no romantic connection with for no apparent reason; just because someone seems to be having fun without me? i don't know. it sounds weird to me. the best thing is that i really have not felt this before. i didn't even feel this when he was getting married--he's no longer though, i'm not that sad. the uncomfortable thing about this is control. i thought everything was done and over with and now i have somewhat lost control over the situation. i mean i do have control, i guess. i could no longer talk to this person again and forget about the friendship i have with him. the other option is talking to this person to vent and get it out of my system. i know that i can never have a relationship with him so it's not like telling him would make a difference in terms of now.

on another topic i feel like my motivation is affected. not necessarily because of the aforementioned issue but just because. i need a break. a real break; not like my weekend in NYC which was somewhat draining; fun, but draining. yesterday at was trying to keep my hand still to see how my 'nervios' were and my hand pretty much never stopped. it was trembling--rather vigorously, i may add--and it was just sad. i am seeing some grey hairs too which were not there before. hmm... i think that this job i'm doing is definitely God's temporal call to my life, i just don't know that its rhythm is what He wants for me. i really don't. this is not healthy. i also have heart palpitations. i talk and do at 100 miles an hour and everything seems to be so fast that when something/someone slows down next to me i get annoyed. i want things quick and now. that's not normal, eh? i need a good vacation go next door to VT. i love VT. it would do me good. hopefully my car can make it there. today i had to call AAA to change my tire because the front right tire had a big nail in it. luckily the guy that came to change it was also able to fix the tire so i don't have to take it to the 'gomero' to get it fixed. God is good that way; providing me the change-and-fix-your-tire-right-then-and-there guy. he was Puerto Rican too and very latino-like in doing business--whatever that means. quite reassuring. :D

where do i get the right to be jealous? how does that happen? since when does someone get mad when she sees another person having fun even if it is not with her? i don't get it. don't they say that if you love someone you want what's best for them; for them to be happy? if so, then why am i not happy? why do i feel like i want that person to have fun with me? not with someone else. it is insane. totally insane. it is also selfish and i am not liking myself being selfish. what on earth?