so... "what does it mean to be a Dominican?"

I'm going to the ALPHA dinner next week. It's interesting how Hispanics in the US become very patriotic--much more probably than we would be back home? Not sure. In any event, I remember when I was in college and we had to prepare for a talent show of sorts. My assigment was to come up with a poem for the night. The event was sponored by the Latin American students association (ALC). The ALPHA dinner this year is celebrating our identity as Latinos/Hispanics with the them "Somos/We are". As I get ready to attend, I can't help but to remember the times when I was such an advocate for my culture and my people. I feel like I am still, however not as directly. I always long for that. I always long for the struggle. Now that I think about it, it probably isn't for 'mi raza' that I did it or want to keep doing it, it's mainly for me. To keep my identity as intact as I can possibly keep it. That's a tall order. I can see it now that I'm older. Slowly but sure traits of mainstream US culture are infiltrating my core and now there are times when I surprise myself. The good thing is that culture is culture and it's changeable. I can always morph into something else if the "freedom of expression", "democracy" and "equality" fail me somehow. :)

While in college in the whitest state in New England, I was always asked, "oh, you're Dominican? What does it mean to be Dominican?" Little punk kids from affluent suburbia wanted me to described what it meant to be a whole country? What does it mean to be American? US American? Native American? That question always rubbed me the wrong way. How do you answer that? If I say being Dominican is to dance, then I'm really not Dominican because I can't follow a merengue well. If I say to be Dominican is to eat rice and beans, then I might as well be Cuban, Puerto Rican, Cape Verdean, Japanese, Indian... Human beings are ridiculous when we are trying to be intellectual just for the sake of letting the world know we can think. The sad thing is that when we do that we usually just show our ignorance, which in the end just shows that we really don't think as we want others to believe. The irony. The horror.

Anyway, here's the poem. Now that I read it and my perspective has shifted just a bit, I feel is idealistic in its portrayal. However, I also feel it holds true to my individual cosmovision. I wrote it in 2000, I think.

So Much to Describe

You ask me for a poem about mi identidad,

Yet what you ask, I cannot describe.

I am a Latina, What else can I say?

Mi cultura is a mixture, of yesterday and today.

There is the indio whose color I got,

There is the Spaniards whose lengua I received, ¡Si!

And then there is the African whose ritmo you see…

So what's my identity?

I'll try to describe.

It's the shoeshine boy with his dirty clothes

Asking with a smile, "Hagase limpiar?"

It's the poet whose poem always makes me cry,

For he speaks of a land I miss like no one.

Mi identidad is America, Latinoamerica.

The spirit, the passion

Tortilla and wine

La siesta at 12:00

The uncles, the aunts

Los primos y primas,

Abuelas, abuelos,

The godfather, the godmother

¡La vecina!

Harmonia siempre igual.

My identity is the campesino who wakes up at the crack of dawn

with café en mano

to plant dreams that soon may be gone.

He works the land, many times not his

Yet in his eyes you see hope and dignity.

It's the fact that my island is "underdeveloped"

That my voice yet loud cannot be heard

Mi identidad is the food that you eat when invited by ALC,

It's the poems you hear, las historias we share when Julia Alvarez speaks.

My identidad is one we can all share

Whether your from India, London or not so near.

Mi identidad, mi cultura, mi gente ( my people)

Mi orgullo, my pride

It's the sadness of a poor child working to survive,

But it is also the beauty of a familia

playing fútbol at the town's park.

Mi identidad…is so much, so much to describe.

well, well, well...

it's going to be my birthday in exactly one month. i don't know how i feel about being older but i guess it's inevitable. it's also a blessing to see another year of life. i said this was going to be a good decade and so far, it has been pretty good. the see what the other 9 years to it will bring. :)

The Great Divorce

I just finished reading The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. The book is a total riot. Lewis was an amazing thinker, man of God and author. I loved the book!! For the two to three days I was reading it, I couldn't put it down. It's about this guy who takes a bus that goes from Hell to Heaven and when he gets to heaven a series of events happen and he meets a bunch of other people that exemplify our struggles as humans to understand God and the amazing being, concept, state and all that He is. I really, really liked this book. I wished it were longer. But anyway, I just think it is amazing how some people have such great gifts and can write really cool stuff.

One day I'd love to write a book and see what comes out of my brain. It's just crazy to think that someone can write something that touches other people and/or awakens their sense of wonder or perspective of the world. Anyway, I think it's pretty awesome. I want to do something in life; something that brings good to others.

Anyway, going back to The Great Divorce. It is crazy all the things that we hold on to that keep us from knowing God, truly knowing Him. The book as amazing examples of people that just have to realize what's holding them and even when someone else is telling them what it is, they don't understand it. It's pretty ironic, but such is our life.

Oh, wait. I'll be back.

ufff, another frantic shopping season is over. valentine's day is an interesting holiday. people seem to be so into it. i don't really celebrate it but i also don't dress in black to protest it. i find it interesting that people have to choose a day to show love. why on earth would you just not do so whenever you feel like it? i guess there are many reasons. as i think of this, i totally have to self-examine. i don't really show love to people on a regular basis, at least not in the conventional way. recently, i have been having some uncomfortable conversations regarding the topic of love. a friend of mine keeps telling a group of people working together that we do not show love and do not act in a loving way--specifically towards her but also in general. i can't speak for other people but i do not think that we should demand/expect love from people just like that. we're talking in the Christian context with this group so the concept of love is one of those things that's always being brought up. i feel that people should allow for love to develop rather than making others show a certain kind of love that ultimately could be lacking in the genuineness department. this is something that i have to change but i cannot be loving to someone who show very clearly that they want or need my love. i feel constrained by the neediness and feel that i am not being genuine in showing love to that person because of the fact that i am now answering to a request rather than doing it out of my own will and desire. is that weird? i guess it's one of those things i have to work one but at the same time i understand where i'm coming from so it may not be completely bad.

i like honesty. if i'm going to show love to someone i want to do it because i feel like doing it rather than being forced or coerced to do it. however, i also understand that there are times when i need to show love to someone even if i'm not 100% sure that i feel like doing so. some things left unsaid or some things ignored to me is loved. i find myself doing that a lot. where i feel someone is doing something completely opposite to what i would like them to do but i knowingly choose to ignore it so that i can accept them and "love" them at that particular moment. i find that sometimes someone is saying something that i know is wrong and they are basing it on emotions that have a different source from what they're telling me; and yet, i choose to listen and understand them out of love. maybe my definition of love is quite poor but when talking about love--and not the romantic kinda--i feel that the ways to show love in my world are many times silent. love is shown by the words not said, by the actions not taken, by the lies ignored. love is sometimes choosing to allow for others to be and for you to be with me even if that's not where you want to be. that's not to say that people will feel loved by me. which leads to my other questions, if people do not identify with the way i love them, does it really matter if i love them? to me the answer is yes. i do not love people so that they feel loved--as odd as that sounds--ultimately, i love people because God asks me to, and because by doing so, the world can see him. so in the end, if He knows that i am doing things out of love, then that's what counts. i'm banking on the hope that people will then understand my way of loving them if they understand the source of it.

boy if i had a buck for every time i said the word love here, i'd be pimping. :)

Basho...

この道や

行く人なしに

秋のくれ

Along this road, goes no one, this Autumn eve.

I like this haiku a lot. It's one of the most famous ones by Basho. It has most of the things I like in it: solitude, quiet walks, Autumn evening/sunset...

I have spent the past 2.5 weeks working and around people constantly. I find that I need to have some quiet time for myself and not being able to do it makes things much more complex. Either I have grown used to it, or I was born with an affinity to solitude. Many people confuse solitude with lonliness. However, I mean solitude; the act of being alone but not necessarily lonely. There are moments were I feel lonely and I'm not alone, so I guess loneliness is irrespective of being accompanied by someone or not.

Anyway, I really enjoy my solitude. Maybe that's why I like my room quite a bit. It feels like I can just be and not worry about all that needs to be done. I am a workaholic and that makes me be around people most of the time. I really need to change that. I need to learn to enjoy things without me being involved in the work they entail. Lately I have been trying to say "No" to things that I feel I will not be able to meet and/or enjoy. I am always serving and helping, which is great but sometimes it leaves no time for me to take care of basic things in my life. I wish I had many more hours to devote to whatever comes my way. I want a healthier approach to serving. I need to focus on life/work balance. I think some people overdo it and they're always taking care of themselves, but others, me included, can overdo it the other way around.

In any event, Basho's haiku makes me remember those good moments where all one needs is God's spirit showing you the amazing things around you. An empty road, a beautiful quiet Autumn or Winter eve...

heart.connect.trust.follow

People will not follow a leader they do not trust. People cannot trust a leader they can't connect with. And people can't connect with a leader with whom they can't find their heart.

Dan Reiland

amistad

recientemente me reencontré con una amiga la cual tenía mucho de no ver. hay personas en este mundo que no necesitan ser vistas todo el tiempo. ella, becca, es así. con verla una vez cada 3 o 4 años es suficiente. es como si el tiempo con ella es de tanta y tanta calidad que me surte para rato. en este momento ella vive en virginia y está planeando su boda. hay novias que te cansan con hablar de la boda, el vestido, la comida, la música, el lugar... ella no. la boda es en septiembre y tiene el lugar, la DJ, y el rabino. lo de más falta pero ella va muy campante y sonante. la gente le está diciendo que se apure y parece estar volviéndose un poco más ansiosa pero no una bridezilla. eso me gusta. becca tiene una naturaleza calmada y apaciente. nos conocimos en una agencia donde trabajábamos y hemos sido amigas desde entonces. creo que seremos amigas por mucho tiempo; ese es mi deseo.

los dos días que pase en su casa--casi literalmente--los pasamos conversando. nevó mucho en virginia los días que estuve allí así que no hubo mucho que hacer. pero aun así me disfrute mucho la visita. también conocí a su prometido rick. es un chico muy amable de ascendencia Taiwanesa que está estudiando español. me parecen una pareja muy acoplada y bonita. pero volviendo a becca. hay personas que te traen una sonrisa sin mucho esfuerzo. ella me parece así. con becca no se siente miedo. con becca no se siente presión. con becca no se siente una acorralada. con becca no se siente que algo falta. así es becca. no es mucho lo que haga o diga, sino lo que hace sentir. a mí me gustaría ser mas como ella, pero cada una tiene lo suyo. lo que si se es que hay amistades donde las cosas se dan. donde no hay peleas, tareas, estándares, ni cambios drásticos por hacer. esas amistades son un refugio. creo que necesitaba ver a becca y no lo sabía. necesitaba uno de esos amigos donde las cosas son orgánicas y una no tiene que hacer malabares para poder compartir trivialmente con el otro.

hasta hace poco me he sentido que una de mis amistades es así. todo es trabajo; todo es estructura; todo es mejoramiento personal para poder acoplarse. no creo que la amistad tenga de ser así. sin embargo elijo ser amiga de esta persona y eso también tiene su lugar. es importante retarse de vez en cuando. de todos modos, creo que voy a tener que escribir mi filosofía de amistad y presentarla a mis futuros amigos. decir, "bueno, esto es lo que yo creo que debe ser una amistad. crees que puedes acoplarte a ello?" para mí eso suena ridículo. una amistad es diferente a todas las demás. los matices que una relación tiene con alguien no pueden ser copiados para otra. cada lio tiene sus propios nudos. así me gusta la amistad: distintiva, singular, orgánica y sin restricción. creo que en este mundo moderno complicamos nuestras relaciones interpersonales demasiado. nos creemos saber demasiado y luego nos jodemos. yo quiero mi amistad como un bueno jugo de frutas, mientras más natural y con menos aditivos mejor. ahhh...

Lifeboat

I found this poem that I wrote a while back. I don't really remember why I wrote it. However, I think I remember who it is about. One of my extended family members who at that time I thought was very selfish. It's interesting how time passes and you find yourself changed. I still think this person is selfish to some extent. On the other hand, so am I.

Lifeboat

I’m drowning, sinking deep into a drop of ink
I’m drowning in a sea of people
In an ocean of noises
In a delta of tears

I’m drowning and the palm of your hand closes
Instead of reaching out to my direction
Like a reflex you pull in towards yourself

I’m drowning but my screams are ignored
You turn around to your happy world
You look for refuge while I’m out in the cold

I’m drowning and you complain
Why must my misery ruin your day?
Maybe if I had not let go so soon now I wouldn’t be screwed, uh?

I’m drowning and you point your finger
You don’t stretch out your arm
Deceit, anger, hate, resentment all combined
From me to you, from yours to mine

I sleep on cardboard that makes me happy
It’s what I want, I just don’t care
I look at you, you look at me and see nothing
A blank stare

I’m drowning
In the puddle of my dreams
On the canvas of my hope... I'm gone.

You’re drowning now, you’re screaming now
You’re thinking now, you’re crying now
Had you stretched out your arm,
Had you given me the palm of your hand,
Had I not drowned…maybe you could have been saved?

Oh, you’re screwed now
I guess destiny just ruined your day

conference, conference, conference

oh boy. I have been in Arlington, VA for a conference for work. it's pretty much the final conference that i'm going to from our funder, the Federeal gov't. the funding from for my program has been pulled. not very happy with Mr. Obama on that right now. it's pretty much the first thing he pulled. abstinence education is out the window unless some things miraculously change. but i'm not anxious. i'm sure God will do something. He's done it in the past, and will definitely do it now.

anyway, the conference is interesting because most people take any moment to vent for the situation. it was crazy. conferences for work are just so interesting. i'm also stuck with my boss, which is ok but sometimes it is draining. i feel like i'm with a giant child of sorts. we're talking with people and he forgets really key things like comments he had made and/or information they had told him--where they're from, what they do, etc. i really do not know how he does fundraising and relationship building when he is so forgetful. jeesh. it's really interesting. i find myself trying to cover a blunder here and there but i also feel it's not my job to be his social police. i have pretty much had bfast, lunch and dinner with him for the past three days, except for a one night when i decided to do room service. it is so funny. it has been draining on both the conference side and the post-conference hours.

in any event, Wednesday night was hilarious though. we went to McCormick & Smick's for dinner. it was the two Luis, Francisco-Javier-Giovanni, my boss, Sarai, Larisa, our Boston program partner, Los and our waiter Ramzi. we sat at a huge table in the back. Luis had talked to the manager the night before so we were a very VIP table and service. we played the capitals of the world game--boys vs. girls. at one point Los goes, "Did you know that Haiti and the DR share the same island?" everyone was laughing hysterically. Los was very serious and thought he had a vital piece of new information. As Los asked, "Y'all knew that?" Luis answered, "That's 'cause they went to school dog!" Poor Los. It was too funny. To redeem himself, later that night Los created a sculpture with pepper shaker, two large glasses, two toothpicks and two forks. basically the toothpicks were holding the forks as they were suspended on top of the pepper shaker. the manager, the waiters, and the rest of the crew were taking pictures of the thing. it was hilarious. that was the highlight of my time here. it's over tomorrow so it's cool. i'm hanging out with Becca for the weekend so i'm looking forward to it. it's been a while since we saw each other. i'm excited!

anyway, after being in this people-intense week i feel like i need a breather and will just crash at home as soon as I can to watch my little korean dramas--alone.

a crazy God... that's what He is.

Sunday at church my boss, and associate pastor, was preaching about Emmanuel. he was going down the different aspects of the phrase "God in/among/with us" which is what the name means. he talked about Jesus being in us, as in inside of a person's heart, soul and body through the Holy Spirit. then he talked about God in us, as in God encouraging us and being "in" on it with us all the way. the part that i have been thinking about was the one about God among us, as in when Jesus became flesh and came to earth. it must have been so mind boggling for Jesus to come down to earth and take on all the human #$%^@ around this place and just be. i can't imagine that. in his sermon, the pastor mentioned how God wants to be our friend. he wants to be our friend and loves us so badly that he send His son to become human and die for us. to me that is a crazy, yes, c-r-a-z-y God. how can He possibly want to be with us so much? how can He possibly love us so? it's just so amazing that God wants to be my friend. He wants me to tell Him all the things that matter to me. He wants to matter to me too. and it's not because He can't find other friends--heck, if he wanted He could created Himself a few billion friends--but because i am important to Him. i have been thinking about those words not because they were majorly deep but because they were sent for my heart. there was a sense of "ah..." in my mind and heart at that moment. out of the whole sermon the only thing that I could think about was, "God wants to be my friend." boy, i am dying to be God's true friend. i have this hunger to be in perfect xyztpslovwrism with God. yeh, i know that's not a real word. but i just don't know how to describe it; i don't think that i can. there's this overwhelming need, inclination, thirst, sense of wonder, etc. to know Him, sense Him, know when He speaks to me, when He tells me to do or not do. sometimes it's tiring; sometimes invigorating. anyway, the bottom line is that He, He, He! wants to be my friend 1,000,000x than i wan to be His. to me that's just crazy. only a crazy being would want to be friends with me. only a crazy being would be His most precious treasure for me... to be my friend. geeshh, all He had to do was invite me to a good dinner. you can easily win me over with good food. nah, I know that wouldn't be enough but it's just hard to comprehend why God would go to such lengths to be able to be my friend. every time i think of it, it gets more complicated. but the only thing I know is that He is my friend, my father, my Savior, my all. i can call on Him anytime and He's always there. i can talk to Him about anything and He listens and cares. i can love him all i can and know that He loves me back so much more. there's no fear of getting hurt or betrayed; there's no fear of not being good enough; there's no fear of Him leaving me or changing all of the sudden; there's no fear of Him misunderstanding; there's no fear of Him getting bored or Him getting angry to the point that He won't speak to me again; there's no fear. He's just crazy that way. I love Him for it, and the best part is that He loves me. crazy, I tell ya. crazy.

Merry Christmas!

wow. it's Christmas! i like this time of the year. i've grown to like it. i spent Nochebuena with Yajaira's family and my family. i kept driving back and forth between the two houses. it's was quite a feast. they also had a yankee swap which was nice. i got a big candle which came in handy last night to make my room less stuffy. it as a Y's brother's new home. the usual suspects were there plus a couple of people from our host's side. a bit abnoxious little guy with his wife but overall seemingly nice people. i had fun. however, right before heading out north for the dinner i decided to go on a little adventure; i.e. go get a xmas tree. yep. Christmas Eve at 5:00pm and I'm looking for a tree. finally i stopped at the flower place in union square an got a tree. it was $25 and it's not bad looking. a hispanic guy working there helped me put it in my trunk--yes, my little VW jetta trunk--and i drove home with a big smile on my face. i think i pulled a back muscle trying to get it out of the car but finally it worked. i hauled it up the stairs and decorated it, if i can call it that. i forgot that we only had like 4 ornaments left along with the lights. so, the tree has lights, 4 bolitas, 2 tamboritas--that my mom gave me after the fact--lots of randome ribbons i found in the house, and the netting that it came wrapped in as a tree trunk covering. neat, uh?

my brother asked if he could sleep here last night becuase he was going to do some stuff with his girlfriend in the morning. after he left i've spent all day on the couch watching old BBC movies. i really like those Jane Austen-ish type movies. it's ridiculous how many of those I can see or books i can read on them. i made japanese style curry rice and opened a bottle of wine. intermittently i keep thinking of the current mr. wrong... well, he's not wrong, i guess he's just "mr. can't-be." love is so obsessive and i can't describe how frustrated i am for like this guy. even if he were madly in love with me--which I can't guarantee he is--i would not be able to compromise my beliefs and everything i hold dear to be with him. it seems like i'd have to really be in an unbalance relationship where i know that the number one thing in my life--God--is not even a consideration in his mind. then why, after knowing that, do i continue to have him engraved in my brain? why then do i long to have him close and share my xmas with him and his dorky self? i don't get it. i have been fighting with myself for the past couple of weeks because i really do not want to think of this guy. i do not want him to creep up in my thoughts or anything closely to him to contaminate my life. the more i try, the worse it gets. it's tiring. it's frustrating. i just want him to go away. i just want him to leave me alone. i just want his lack of attention to not bother me. i don't want the fact that we are completely opposite culturally, racially, religiously, professionally, etc. to bother me. i don't want the fact that his friends seem like people that i'd never be able to connect with not to bother me. i don't want to want to be part of his life. i don't want to want to cook for him and be there when he's tired or sad. i do not want to meet the darn dog he keeps saying is really cute and that i'd like a lot. i don't want any of this... yet it's here. and this is how poisonous it is that i am here having a nice Christmas Day all fine and suddenly i find myself blogging about him. why?!

i just want to be free from this. i just want to be able to leave this darn limbo of wanting and being and knowing i can't. it's ridiculous. but anyway. i'll be fine. i feel better. i texted a friend in NY to see if he was around to vent but then i realized that i have to deal with this on my own and sort out these thoughts myself. no one can really help me get over this.

but you know what's kinda crazy? that even in the mist of all this frustration i still feel this sort of joy within me. i think this is what people talk about when they say that God gives you joy even in the craziest of situations. i feel happy but i'm sulking on mr. can't-be. that doesn't make sense, don't it? i also just feel elated for the season. the fact that Jesus was born and died for me and that at this very moment I get to celebrate his birthday--even if it really wasn't this time of year, etc., etc. i'm happy. i feel blessed and i can't explain why. it's just an amazing feeling of security and peace and joy. the more i think about it the more i can't explain it and the more i conclude that i'm nuts. :) i love it. anyway, merry Christmas! i guess this is the meaning of the season, inexplicable, crazy joy that the Father has blessed us with through the Son so that we can blog about it to random people, family and friends. God definitely has a sense of humor. xoxo

新幹線 ｗｏｏｏｈｏｏｏ！

I got to ride the Shinkansen (bullet train) today from Tokyo to Odawara so that we could go to Hakkone--with an overnight stay--and then Osaka. Those things are the best, the best, I tell ya. On the way to Osaka I found myself totally drooling off. It was so comfortable; the rocking motion, the repeating sound of the tracks. While waiting on the platform you can see the express trains pass though and you can’t even focus on anything because the most you can see is a blue line passing by. I loved it!

Japan -- day 2

Fun, fun, fun! Poor Dan is going to end up killing me at the end of this trip. We got at about 4am to check and checked emails etc.--I got to Gchat with Ivie over the Internet. Then we went back to bed and woke up late so we asked the hotel staff to extend our check out time by an hour, well, Dan did. We have had to change hotel rooms about 3 times because when i made the reservation not all suites were available. But the hotel is good; affordable, clean and relatively well located. Anyway, finally we got out and walked about towards the business supplies district which is close to Kaminarimon. We had breakfast at a cafe where I had pretty good pancakes and a coffee. I'm drinking a lot of coffee here. I'm not sure why. Finally we made it to Asakusa/Kaminarimon. I'm not taking as many pictures as I thought I would so I'm not sure if I'm just not noticing as many things of if I'm just not excited about what I've seen so far. It's interesting.

Ok, so we then walked all over that place and all the little souvenir shops, etc. I saw some devout buddihst people at the temples. It was interesting. Japan really needs God.

We all hit Ueno park and the area around it. It's a nice park and lots of people take advantage of it. Many cute dogs. We bought a charcoal baked sweet potato and that was delicious. It was funny to see us eat it because it was very hot and we both sounded like developmentally challenged people make incoherent sounds and opening our mouths to let the steam come out. It was fun.

We walked to the hotel and rested a bit to then head out to Roppongi where I wanted to go to this place called Cafe Latino. I really wanted to see what the Salsa scene is like in Tokyo but I have to say it was quite a disappointment. Well, first we couldn't find it because it was tucked in on a side stree somewhere. We stopped at an English Pub to have a beer while I sulked on the fact that we walked up and down the street about 3times and didn't find the place. Finally, Dan found it and I was happy. It was fun but not that good. There was one older Dominican staff member at the Club that was very nice, from La Vega; everybody else was Peruvian, it seemed. I also danced with this guy named Ali who is from Dubai and is half Puerto Rican. He was very nice and works for some medical company here. He got me this really good drink which I forgot the name of but it was tequila and Baileys I think. Really yummy. Dan and I stayed there there until about 5am so that we could catch the train back rather than pay a gazillion dollars for a cab ride. Actually, I kinda forced him to stay there. Poor guy, I feel like I should give him a break and let him have some time to himself. I take forever to get ready in comparison to him, I'm totally indecisive when it comes to where to eat and/or what to do. I hope he's having at least an interesting time. Back to the Roppongi scene, it's full of foreigners all the time and drunk-ish people at 5am. We got on the train to head home. I feel like some people really stare at non-japanese. It's kinda funny to see people look at you and turn away when you look at them. I have gotten some smiles but not major conversations or connections with anyone. I hope that Osaka is better since people seem to be more gregarious than Tokyo folk.

Well, I'm going to go back to bed now given that it's 1.50am. I'll talk more about stuff as I remember. Nite!

Japan.... flight & day 1

The flight to Japan was very good. Not much turbulence so my PTSD from Spain did not kick in. It was amazing flying over Alaska. Mount McKinley was just gorgeous and I felt that it was too much to take in. God is amazing in his creation. For a moment there I had the reliazation that I really didnt believe that He is the creator because my head could not really grasp the vastness of it. It was just so crazy to fly over that strech of land and see all the snow-covered mountains, the ravines with clouds/fog in them, and the places where the avalanches had taken place. wow! I couldnt believe it.

After I got to the airport I waited for my friend Dan to get here from the West Coast. While I was waiting, I stood towards the entrance. All of the sudden this group of old Japanese folk was being gathered around me. It seemed that they were coming from a tour and the guide--with the green flag waving in the air--was calling them to that location. There I was, the only none 70+ person or Japanese person of the group. It was hilarious. If someone looked, it would seem to them that I was really misplaced. Or very adventurous to be a guide for such a group. It was funny! Finally my friend Dan found me and we started our trip to the hotel, may I add it was during RUSH HOUR! WITH BIG SUITCASE! Wow. I felt like I was the clumsiest of persons and the only one not wearing a black suit. ;D After checking-in we went out to get some food. I decided on a beef donburi at this place. It was really good. $5 bucks for miso soup, salad and a bowl of rice with minced meat & scallions on top, plus a raw egg yolk. They give you a little egg yolk separator and you can use yourself. At one point we were laughing because Dan pressed a button on the table that happened to be a `waitress-call` button so the girl just looked at us and laughed after realizing that it was a mistake. It was funny. We`re staying near the Ueno Park area so Im looking forward to exploring more.

Anyway, its about 4.30am and I woke up to check my email. I have to go back to bed or I will look like hell all day. Bye!

この道や

ゆく人なしに

秋の暮れ

芭蕉

Manu Chau tribute? or insult?

last night we went to Clandestino for a Manu Chau tribute night. it wasn't that good. first of all, finding parking in Central Square is a hassle. then after about a half hour of searching up and down--even Green St. garage was full--all i had to say was, "Lord, please give me a parking space!" and literally, 10 seconds later, I see a perfect, free spot. Isn't my God amazing? So... i had to wait in line about 30-45 mins in the cold while my friends were all inside. i should have gotten there earlier but who gets a to a venue before 9:30pm. it's ridiculous. i met this girl Norwegian-American who had just come from surfing in Costa Rica for two months and had gone to Middlebury for grad school in Spanish. Midd is such a small school but pretty spread. it was funny. we talked for a while and then once in we went separate ways. she didn't come across as too genuine but she was nice enough to chat with while in line. :D i finally made it in and foun Ivi, Rolis, Ivi's 5 girlfriends, Pablo--Pedro's friend, Pedro, Osvaldo and Eliza + two girlfriends. It was an interesting bunch of people all of whom didn't necessarily know each other but came together through one particular friend, etc. i love those kind of random composition groups.

the tribute to Manu Chau was not good. the band wasn't bad, bad per se but it's not their thing it seems. the Turkish trombone player was sexy. Eliza was there with two other girls. they would not stop kissing throughout the whole night. it's not the fact that they were a lesbian couple that may it a bit uneasy but that any time you'd look their way, they'd be in each other's faces. it was hilarious.

after the thing was over we went to Pinocchio's in Harvard Square. that place is crazy on the weekends after 1am. all the college kids go there for pizza and they're all drunk. what a sight! the future power brokers of American. he he. I gave a ride to Ivi & Rolis to their respective places. i got to drive in the rain at 3am while listening to Yael Naim. it was pretty nice. no one in the streets--hardly--and the music blasting. i wish i could do that more often.

se ha confundido el cielo y en Octubre le ha dado por nevar...

mi cámara solo pide un poco más de otoño. hace una semana fuimos a las montañas blancas en New Hampshire. la pasamos bien con mucha risa, friito y mucho color.

God works in mysterious ways indeed...

the last couple of days have been quite tumultuous for me. i found an excerpt from something that my father had written published in a blog from his hometown so i proceeded to email the gentleman in charge of the blog to ask him for the title of the book, etc. he turned out to give me quite a bit of information on my father and also suggested i contact another gentleman there who apparently was quite close to him. the first gentleman, Mr. Mendez, sent me a poem that my father had written as well as other biographical blurbs that he had. i also wrote to the other friend, Dr. de Leon, and he just wrote me back today with the most amazing email. it was quite anecdotal and uplifting in a way i didn't expect.

going back a bit, Saturday I was quite sad because of my new findings, specifically the fact that my father could have suffered from a mental illness of sorts--which i speculate may have caused his demise. i woke up late and stayed in bed on my computer until about 7pm that night when i decided to join some friends for a gathering they had. it was a nice time of fellowship and good conversation. on Sunday, i was intent on surrendering my discomfort to God and just letting him heal that which was upsetting my heart. i went up to the pulpit and knelt down. my tears flowed rather copiously, and I was almost concerned that I'd look like a raccoon once i got up because my mascara must've been having quite a slide. by the way, i didn't look like a raccoon. the interesting thing is that while Pastor Roberto was speaking and ministering he said something to the effect of , "do not dwell in the past. do not ponder on what you had or didn't; lo que te quitaron o no te dieron, etc." this was pretty in tune with what i was feeling. then he said, "el tiempo de luto paso" says the Lord. that was quite liberating. God was speaking to my heart through the Pastor and was listening to my tears and anguish. i felt like i wasn't alone. how amazing, no?

i feel that my heart has been healed in a way i didn't expect. i am sad, yes, but it's not an unhealthy sadness. it's a sort of catharsis. i am looking forward to what will come from this and also to knowing more about who my father was. i feel like i'm getting to know him better as a person. to me that is more valuable, it's more real.

the search continues

It is close to 2am and I'm on the Internet looking for information about my father's writings. I do not know why I'm so determined to find his literary work even when I know how painful it is. I keep trying to find the things he wrote and get a glimpse of who he was as a person. It's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't think, but yet I feel the need to just get this chapter closed and the only way I think I can is by learning more about him to the point where I can say I can be at peace. This is so puzzling. I hope I do find something, or eventually visit his grave. I can't sort out my feelings well but I hope God heals this part of my history eventually. It's sad that I wasn't able to choose to know my father more. I was taken away and shielded from him in a way--either intentionally or not--and that has really impacted my life. I wish he were alive; I have so many questions.

surprise slow kiss

i'm craving one of those. the type of kiss that you don't really expect but that once you receive it, it just makes you want that moment to be frozen in time and stay like that forever. slow, tender, passionate yet gentle kinda kiss. the kiss where your lips are barely touching but every time they do it sends a bit of an electric shot to your stomach. a warm, long kiss. they're better in the fall, and even better if you're not expecting it.