this week i think i have been learning what it means to be 'pastoral'.  it's one of the most difficult things that i think one can do and one of the most spiritually frustrating things God can put you through.  you're interacting with people that clearly annoy you and in whom you see a number of spiritual flaws that if you could just have a go at it, they'd probably shoot you before you finish. but then, just as you see this person and in your spirit there is this voice that tells you, "he needs to learn to wait," or "she needs to let go of that need to be validated emotionally," or "they are hurting and look for revenge even if they say they forgive you," etc., etc., the same voice tells you a number of things about yourself that you need to resolve.  at that same moment you kinda understand what God sees and feels for you.  even though you know you, technically, can have that person have it, you know that you can't because you're duty is to care for your brother and/or sister.  the more you think about what that person needs, the more you see how you are in greater need than them.  the more that you realize that that person is not even half way through the journey, the more you see that you once were there and have a way, way long way to go.  it is both humbling as it is empowering.

my generation has to learn this i think.  we have been so wrapped up in finding answers and marking off check boxes that when it comes to human interactions, we want to go about it the same way.  there is always a task, always a purpose, always clear, precise intentionality.  the older i get--the the more spiritually mature i pretend to be--i realize that these things are secondary.  living the gospel is so like breathing that you are just need to do it.  we need to feel so complete and be in control so much that we forget about just being.  i do not know that i like confrontation as much as i like to claim but one thing is clear to me at the moment.  confrontation that doesn't come from a spiritual source has no other consequence than more complexity and hurt.  we have been so trained to do, that we are forgetting to just be.  at this being-pastoral exercise i have realized that you have to tell people the truth, and be clear.  however, you have to wait for the right moment to tell someone the truth.  if you say when they are not spiritually, or better yet, emotionally ready, you run the risk of creating a bigger problem.  i felt the person was being unfair, has unrealistic expectations of what i should do, was borderline-vindictive and pretended to know you better than you know yourself but as i sat there and engaged with them, i realized that this is what God does with me.  this is what he chooses to do.  not what he has to, but what he wants.  that when he feels embarrassed because of my weakness; when he pities my unrealistic need for approval and emotional connection even if from an unhealthy motive;  when he sees me use His name and words to lead others to my purpose;  he looks at me, loves me and waits for the right moment to reveal to me what the deal is.  today i kinda felt a weird sense of empathy-sympathy-pain-appreciation-etc. for the pastoral staff at my church.  they see this day in and day out.  they deal with the rawness of human nature and the spiritual struggles that we go through.  i can only imagine what that can do to you if you were not doing it from a true calling.  the discouragement, the lack of hope.  however, at the same time.  there was this moment where i felt a different kind of love. the love that can only come when you see yourself reflected on the other person.  the love that can only come from choosing to love rather than feeling to love.

as painful as it is to be confronted with your shortcomings through someone else's words, actions and needs, it has been an amazing lesson on how to trust that God is the pastor par excellence.  he sees me this way and loves me.  he sees what i need and plans for the precise moment when he will give it to me.  i only hope that i can do the same for my brothers and sisters in Christ.  that i can put my pastoral glasses on see the world through them.  to care enough to be silent.  to care enough to stand for the truth, voice what i think it is true, but know when to limit it for the benefit of other's emotional and spiritual health.  to repent for the times that i have wronged God, my pastors and other fellow Christians due to my immaturity.  to know when to hope for the best and trust that in the end nothing is new under the sun and my Abba has the final word.