swe-uh-eet! JP Pond baby... let the picnics begin.

this is a picture a took about 3 years ago of my soon-to-be neighborhood.  i'm moving to the JP/Brookline line area in 2 weeks. exactly--according to google maps--.9 miles from Jamaica Pond.  i'm so grateful to God!  this is awesome. i had decided to move out of my current apartment because i feel the need to stop being complacent and push myself to do what i see as the will of God in my life.  as if  i need yet another thing to be anxious about, i gave my notice and my housemates started searching for a replacement.  the friend i thought i may be moving in with had someone come check out the house and since that person was committed to statying longer than i would, i figured it was the fair thing to do to not have my friend forego the opportunity of a long-term subletter.  then another friend mentioned that her apartment  had an opening in East Boston and by the time i asked her if i could go check it out it was rented.  for a minute there i was beginning to get scared. if september 1st came around and i had no place to go, i'd have to stay with my first friend  for a couple of weeks and then another for the next, and so on and so on.  that's not a horrible scenario but hopping around in the middle of a possible lay-off  is not the best thing.  to make matters a bit more uncomfortable, things are still not settled with that ongoing tension with the group at church and the matter is kinda draining the life out of me.  i no longer know what to do to please this person and feel that the only option is for me to leave.  however, there's pressure for me to stay so i'm torn.  anyway, you get the picture.  it's a bit stressful.  

i decided to pursue the option i mentioned a post ago and went for an interview at this women's university in JP.  i sent my resume and cover letter on tuesday.  they respondend the next day.  i went on an interview on friday.  on monday i sent a thank you email and that i was still interseted. they responded offering me the position. on tuesday i started packing and reserved my storage facility to put my furniture, etc. in. on wednesday i confirmed my move-in date. and today i am all set and ready to go for september 3rd.  they will give me free room and board along with the use of facilities, parking, gym, pool, shuttle to the T, etc. in exchange of planning one activity a month, monitoring the dorm when assigned and hanging out with Japanese colllege girls with whom I can practice my Japanese, and help them with their English + American life. 

if you ask me, I think that's pretty providential.  they didn't even ask me for references.   i'm just really grateful because even if i don't have a job after september 30th i'll have a place to stay and don't have to worry about rent, etc.  just finding a new job which i'm sure won't take too long.  God is just amazing.  i also feel this amazing connection and clear directive about how this is not just a fix for a place to live, but part of a bigger plan for which a hint was given about 2-3 years ago through a sermon by Pastor Samano.  who coincidentally, the day after my interview asked that he wanted to speak with me about the prayer he said for me about 2-3 years ago on this plan i think God is putting into motion for me.  i can't wait to find more pieces to the puzzle! 

i know i'm getting old.  i feel i'm getting old. i see me getting old.  maybe because of that i feel this need to embrace all things 'old'.  maybe that is why there is this unavoidable need to feel ike i'm grounded and settled in things that are reliable and true; things that like moth balls scream old.   but at this age old is such a relative term so i'm not sure what i'm talking about, really.  anyway, one of things that i have been pondering about is the need to not rent an apartment with housemates anymore.  i have been doing it for close to ten years and I can't do it anymore.  i need to have a place that is mine and that i can come to without having to worry about other's privacy and preferences.  i need the freedom to do that.  as i dream of solitude and apartment freedom, i was wondering what things i would possibly need in a place to be happy.  i came to the conclusion that i need 1) a kitchen, and 2) a bathroom.  i don't really care much about a bedroom or a livingroom or anything else, maybe a yard but that's another story.  i would really, really need a kitchen and a nice bathroom. 

kitchens.  kitchens are like the engine of the home.  i remember my house back in dr. the kitchen was always busy and from it came what really connected us a family: food. we shared two and almost three meals a day with everyone so it was around food that we came together the most. Fela, our cook, made the most amazing stuff for us.  even now when i speak with her from time to time i keep telling her that when i go back to visit, she has to make meatballs for me.  her meatballs are the best meatballs my taste buds have ever ran into.  she's this eithty year old now who has a bit of parkinson's and a speech impediment froma minor stroke, but she still claims that she can cook those for me.  she still cooks and does things, not for our home, though.  she does it for herself. anyway, kitchens are great places.  since i love to cook for other people i just find that kitchens can really be a home's hub if employed correctly.  there's something about a group of people around a dinner table share the food and conversation that makes me smile.  if you think of it.  you are using all your senses.  the food's aroma and the juxtaposition of the savory and sweet, the tart and the light.  the sight and colors from vegetables to meats, from wine to water, from napkins, tablecloth or plates. it's such a carnival.  then comes the taste which depending on cooking could definitely be a sublime experience.  the clings of the plates and silverware on the, the glasses of wine touching and the "salud!"s of the day.  your are touch the bread and the rest of whatever you feel like touching if you manners let you.   but most importantly, this modern phenomena of sharing a meal brings great joy and emotional fulfillment, albeit for a short while.  i think that's why i enjoy  my meals with my family more now than when i was a kid.  now i have the luxury of reflecting and appreciating them for what they are in the future, rather than what they were in their present.  anyway, that's why i love kitchens.  maybe i should say dinner tables but then the kithcen is the source of the dinner table.  so i hold my turf and say it's kitchens that i like.  there's something about them... 

now, bathrooms. i looove bathrooms. well, bathtubs to be more precise.  when i lived in japan i loved the fact that they really believe in taking long baths.  everyone takes one, if not every day, at least 4 times a week.  it's an interesting concept for americans becuase people share the same water but it's a lot better than it sounds.  first the guests go in--lucky me for hte most part--then the father, the children and finally the mother.  anyway, i'm getting side tracked.  taking a long bath is so therapeutic.  i haven't done that in a while and it is one the things i am most lucking forward to when i find my little nest. there's something so nice about taking the time to immerse yourself int he intimacy and solitude of a bath.   i miss it. 

i have decided.  if i were to build a house i would focus on three things:  the kitchen, the bathroom and the patio. if those three things are in place, then i'd be happy.  i know it.  as i search for a place to live in the next couple of weeks, i will keep hoping for these things and in time, hopefully soon, be able to have my very own kitchen, bathroom and yard to use and hopefully share with others--the kitchen, i mean. 

moving on to.... Showa?

I just came back from a 2-hour interview with a Japanese university in Boston to be a Residential Assistant. I sent my resume on Monday, or was it Tuesday, and they called me ASAP. The Director was actually pretty flattering during our conversation.  For a moment I thought he was just overdoing it.  Anyway,  if they like me,  I may be living in JP--more like Brookline--with a bunch of Japanese college girls.  In exchange for planning activities and being on duty once a twice a month or so, they will provide me with room and board, as well as use of the gym, labs, facilities, shuttle, etc.  It doesn't sound like a bad deal to me. Heck, I need a place to live as of August 31st so this might just be what I was looking for.  I'm kinda excited.  Let's see what comes out of it.

aun en los más mínimos detalles

ayer no comenzo como un buen dia para mí.  al final de la jornada estaba programado tener una reunión de resolución de conflicto con un grupo del cual soy parte.  es un grupo muy bueno y con mucho potencial pero en el cual hay muchas personalidades fuertes--yo una de ellas--lo que nos ha llevado por un conflicto de ya varios meses.  antes de la reunion salí de la oficina para tomar un poco de aire y no estar tan cargada.  fui a un parque que está en la Washington.  probablemente me vi como un cuadro medio raro, sentada ahi, en medio de los columpios y toboganes pensando, mirando lejos.  me imagino que los niños y padres pensarían que estaba media loca.  aunque el parque está en una área cerca de viviendas públicas asi que habian otros personajes ahí a los que no les llegaba ni a los tobillos.  pero en fin, ahí pasé casi una hora; no se si mirando a otras personas que parecian estar peor que yo; o los niños riendo sin preocupación;  o solo disfrutando la brisa que venia e iva sin hacer case a mi presencia.

casi media hora antes de la reunión retorné a la iglesia.  sentia una necesidad de refugio, de ser acogida y protegida.  con esa excusa me fui a buscar mi sombrilla de la habia dejado con Brother Orange.  si habia un lugar donde me podia refugiar seria con el o su esposa. durante mi tiempo en el parque pense en como me gustaría que una de esas dos personas me diera un abrazo y me extendieran el cariñno que siempre me extienden.  al llegar toqué una vez y me fui.  el salió y pregunto quien andaba y ya no pude escabullirme.  hable con el un poco, ya que su esposa no estaba ahi--esta en NJ.  me pregunto de mi trabajo, la situacion con los fondos para el programa, y ademas de tratar de motivarme me dio veinte mil ideas de como recaudar dinero.  casi me rio, casi lloro.  bueno, por fin fui a la reuinion la cual ya sabia no iba a ser del todo grata.  al salir de ahi, me senti un tanto desausiada.  necesitaba desahogarme de alguna manera pero sentia que no podia ir a nadie.  finalmente, como muchas veces anteriores me fui a los pies del santuario a llorar a los pies de Dios.  el unico que en realidad podia entenderme y enjugar mi llanto.  claro, como es lugar publico pasaba la señora de la limpieza, y otro grupo oraba en un salon, asi que decidi irme a la oscuridad.  no queria atraer atencion de nadie, o no queria que me vieran moquear ahi.  de todas formas es que patalee, pataleé delante de Dios. no contra él, sino con él.  Dios es el unico que podia escucharme. el es el único que podia ayudarme.  despues de mi pataleta cronica frente a él, Dios tuvo cuidado de mis emociones y envio a la persona correcta para consorlarme.  Brother Orange estaba terminando su reunión de oracion y pasaba por ahi cerrando las puertas.  en ese momento entre mis lagrimas, mis sollozos, mi inabilidad de decir lo que me pasaba, mi pequeño caos, llego la persona que desde la tarde yo queria que me consolara.  la persona que yo sabia me querria, oraria por mi, y tendria las mejores intenciones para conmigo.  luego tambien paso la hermana Luz Estela y ella tambien me abrazo y oró por mí.  me fui a casa con los ojos que parecian estar a punto de estallar de rojos, y con la mayor verguenza posible por estar tan desaliñada y para colmo en el bus.  ¡que horror!

hoy en la mañana recibi una llamada de la hermana Esmeralda.  una de las mujeres más bellas de mi congregacion; con una elegancia innata y porte de reina legitima que nadie osa quitarle.  yo nunca hablo con ella mucha. solo nos saludamos de vez en cuando y ya. su mensaje era solo que yo le llamara de vuelta.  a eso de las 6pm me dio tiempo a llamarle y su esposo alemán ultra-organizado y sensato contestó el telefono.  ella me dice que se ha pasado todo el día pensado en mí obsesivamente.  que no sabe porque pero que Dios le puso en su corazon que me hablara.  me dijo que aun cuando las situaciones se vean dificiles, y todo parecer estar en mi contra, Dios no se ha olvidado de mí.  que él escucha mis palabras, y en su momento hará conforme a su voluntad.  me dijo que como el paralitico del estanque de betesta, muchas veces llevamos tiempo esperando por una respuesta pero que no pierda la fe.  que en un momente, un Jesús llega y nos concede nuestro milagro.  me dijo un monton de cosas mas que fueran una respuesta atinada a lo que estaba sintiendo anoche, y lo que he estado sintiendo por meses debido a situaciones en mi vida que son de alta presion y al mismo tiempo.  este mes y el proximo probablemente serán un tanto dificiles y veo que Dios esta proveyendo reservas de fe para que pueda lidear con ellos.  la hermana esmeralda me hablo al momento preciso.  al igual que Delmy en nuestra reunion de hoy--hasta ahora me doy cuenta--que me dijo que una vez nuestro corazon entiende que Dios es el enfoque y que solo él puede consolarnos, ahi llega nuestra peticion.

yo no se bien que significa esto.  si lo viera con ojos meramente fisicos seria que hay una coincidencia o que alguien le dijo a ella que me vio llorar en la oscuridad anoche.  no lo creo.  ella misma me dijo que no sabia porque estaba pensado en mi, y que no queria llamar pues no entiendia para que.  lo que yo si se es que en el momento en que más sola y más triste me sentia, pude ir a los pies de mi Padre y llorar frente a él.  decirle quien me hirio;  que me molestó;  como no queria hacer lo que él quiere que yo haga, pero que aun asi se que tengo que hacerlo;  que porque ha escogido un llamado para mi en el cual tengo que pasar por estas cosas y ser trabajada asi;  que porque me siento como si no tengo a donde ir.  en ese momento, me senti entendida, amada, abrazada, con mis lagrimas enjugadas todavia con mi dolor y frustracion pero ahora sabiendo que en él me puedo refugiar, y que no solo eso, sino que el se encarga de aun conceder las peticiones de mi corazon, sin importar que tan infantiles sean.   que él sabia que yo queria que una persona especifica me diera su atencion y cariño. que me notara y se preocupara por mi.  Dios no solo miró esa peticion infantil emocional sino que la concedio, con creces y aun más allá de lo que yo habia pedido.  me confirmo que no solo una figura paternal humana se preocupó por mí y me acogió, sino que él se tomó la molestia de confirmarme que él se preocupa por mí y me acoge.  aun cuando tenga que buscar a la persona más remota e inesperada para canalizar su gran amor.  ese es mi Abba Padre, que se preocupa, que me abraza aun despues de la pataleta y me dice, día a día que me ama.

only on the Silver Line

so i was waiting for the Silver Line at the corner of Mass Ave. and Washington at around 10:30pm today.  not only is that the most visible gentrification line between roxbury and the south end, but it is also one of the sketchiest spots on the way to dudley station.  finally the bus comes and i go towards the back to avoid the creepy old man who you could tell was just waiting for a poor soul to hold hostage with non-stop chatting--even if one way.  when i reach my intended destination i find this:

written in very poor penmanship and with what looked like black permanent marker....  in one perverted long run on sentence.

or text me 413 771 ###

If you are a women If you love to push kick 

face stomp If you 

have a lot of stress If you 

would love to take a real shit all over someones 

face then call me   

413- 777 -485#

SLAVE

what is the world coming to?

this week i think i have been learning what it means to be 'pastoral'.  it's one of the most difficult things that i think one can do and one of the most spiritually frustrating things God can put you through.  you're interacting with people that clearly annoy you and in whom you see a number of spiritual flaws that if you could just have a go at it, they'd probably shoot you before you finish. but then, just as you see this person and in your spirit there is this voice that tells you, "he needs to learn to wait," or "she needs to let go of that need to be validated emotionally," or "they are hurting and look for revenge even if they say they forgive you," etc., etc., the same voice tells you a number of things about yourself that you need to resolve.  at that same moment you kinda understand what God sees and feels for you.  even though you know you, technically, can have that person have it, you know that you can't because you're duty is to care for your brother and/or sister.  the more you think about what that person needs, the more you see how you are in greater need than them.  the more that you realize that that person is not even half way through the journey, the more you see that you once were there and have a way, way long way to go.  it is both humbling as it is empowering.

my generation has to learn this i think.  we have been so wrapped up in finding answers and marking off check boxes that when it comes to human interactions, we want to go about it the same way.  there is always a task, always a purpose, always clear, precise intentionality.  the older i get--the the more spiritually mature i pretend to be--i realize that these things are secondary.  living the gospel is so like breathing that you are just need to do it.  we need to feel so complete and be in control so much that we forget about just being.  i do not know that i like confrontation as much as i like to claim but one thing is clear to me at the moment.  confrontation that doesn't come from a spiritual source has no other consequence than more complexity and hurt.  we have been so trained to do, that we are forgetting to just be.  at this being-pastoral exercise i have realized that you have to tell people the truth, and be clear.  however, you have to wait for the right moment to tell someone the truth.  if you say when they are not spiritually, or better yet, emotionally ready, you run the risk of creating a bigger problem.  i felt the person was being unfair, has unrealistic expectations of what i should do, was borderline-vindictive and pretended to know you better than you know yourself but as i sat there and engaged with them, i realized that this is what God does with me.  this is what he chooses to do.  not what he has to, but what he wants.  that when he feels embarrassed because of my weakness; when he pities my unrealistic need for approval and emotional connection even if from an unhealthy motive;  when he sees me use His name and words to lead others to my purpose;  he looks at me, loves me and waits for the right moment to reveal to me what the deal is.  today i kinda felt a weird sense of empathy-sympathy-pain-appreciation-etc. for the pastoral staff at my church.  they see this day in and day out.  they deal with the rawness of human nature and the spiritual struggles that we go through.  i can only imagine what that can do to you if you were not doing it from a true calling.  the discouragement, the lack of hope.  however, at the same time.  there was this moment where i felt a different kind of love. the love that can only come when you see yourself reflected on the other person.  the love that can only come from choosing to love rather than feeling to love.

as painful as it is to be confronted with your shortcomings through someone else's words, actions and needs, it has been an amazing lesson on how to trust that God is the pastor par excellence.  he sees me this way and loves me.  he sees what i need and plans for the precise moment when he will give it to me.  i only hope that i can do the same for my brothers and sisters in Christ.  that i can put my pastoral glasses on see the world through them.  to care enough to be silent.  to care enough to stand for the truth, voice what i think it is true, but know when to limit it for the benefit of other's emotional and spiritual health.  to repent for the times that i have wronged God, my pastors and other fellow Christians due to my immaturity.  to know when to hope for the best and trust that in the end nothing is new under the sun and my Abba has the final word.

me through quiz...

I took a "funny" quiz.  This is what I got.  I don't  know how I feel about being told I'm similar to Woody Allen. Hmmm... 

[the Wit]

(57% dark, 38% spontaneous, 26% vulgar)

your humor style:

CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

he's a man?

i was checking my Facebook account and happen to notice my brother's girlfriend's comments on there. she's constantly updating her mood and doesn't really edit them much. this week she's been talking about how much she misses my brother. apparently they haven't seen each other for a bit. maybe 5 days, i think.  what stuck me is not that she's missing my brother even though he's just 20 minutes away and she has a car.  it is that she is talking about "missing" my brother and then in her comments she refers to him as part of 'men'! this made me chuckle.  my younger brother...the one i used to fight with; tell him that he stunk; made fun of the fact that he had a major 'wet pants' incident in kindergarten; and the one who's pets would eat my flowers;  he is part of 'men'.  it just sounds so funny to hear her say, "men don't realize how much we miss them sometimes." i guess i do not consider the men i my family as part of men.  let alone my brother.  this is yet another sign that i should stop dreaming that i can be in denial about being an adult for the rest of my life.  i should face the facts and know that may brother is part of "men" and by definition i am old. 

but going back to my bro, i guess you don't get to see your significant other from that perspective until after a while. i can't picture my brother as a guy, although i know he is a guy. i just can't imagine him in a realationship and/or being missed by someone.  i mean, i miss him somtimes but not the same way.  ha ha ha. i just rememebered a story, which is kinda gross but what the heck.  there was a time when my brother was about 2 or 3 years old and i was probably 7 or 8.  he had these tantrums and would drop on the floor 'pataleando' on this back.  he was screaming. dude was taking the show really seriously.  he was on his back with his little legs kicking up to the ceailing, right in the middle of the living room at my grandma's house.  i was just so annoyed that as he was doing his thing to get mom's attention i approched him, and lowering my bottom a little pretended that was going to sit on his face.  he kept screaming.  then i did it again but this time i farted right on his face.  he stopped the tantrum instantaneously.  no more crying. no more patalendo. no more legs up in the air. his face was in a state of shock. he didn't know what to do.  i started laughing along with everyone else in the house--mom, grandma, my uncle.  it was so funny.  

now, you tell me how am i going to picture this man that his girlfriend describes on her FB posts.  i just have a really hard time and almost laugh at the notion that someone else would take him so seriously.  but that's not completely fair though.  my bro has a lot of good qualities and i can see how his gf sees that.  i guess it's a sign that i like him and my family when i say that see qualities in my brother and family that would probably entice me to date a guy like him, like, if he weren't my brother, and if i hadn't farted on his face when he was little, etc.  i guess i'll just have to get used to it and see what else i keep learning about my brother, the man, the adult. 

highway adventures

this week has been kinda crazy for the past two weeks for me in terms of work. i have been travelling to Connecticut almost every night. last week i went there 3 times; this week it's been 3 as well. yesterday, i stopped by New Britain to collect some surveys from youth at a church there, and then headed to New Haven for another church. the kids at that church didn't show up so i couldn't collect the few surverys i had remaining. i like driving, it's not a problem, but driving about 5 hours--round trip--to have kids not show up, it's no fun.

anyway, since i was in New Haven and that's where Yale University is, i decided to check it out. it's a very nice college town--at least around the school.  obviously as with any other urban college area there's a clear gentrification line and you know where the 'hood starts and where the yupified-students begin. it took me forever to find parking but it wasn't that bad because it gave me a chance to explore the city center along with the common and other peripheral areas. eventually i found a pretty sweet spot in front of the Book Trader Cafe.  A pretty neat-looking cafe that i meant to stop by but was too late by the time i got back to the car.    i ended up going around the block to this Korean restaurant that i had spotted while looking for parking.  it's called Seoul.   it's a cute nice family restaurant.  so i walk in and there comes in the dreaded question, "[haro].  how menny?"  to which i answer, " oh, just one thank you."  there's something about going to a restaurant or the movies alone taht i enjoy. i feel like once in a whie i need to just go and be with myself in a public place without having to chat, or wait, or interact with people directly.  however, it is always awkward to walk into a place and have people make you feel like you shouldn't be alone.  and leave it to me to choose the worst place possible for me to do that.  a restaurant full of korean families and/or couples.  there was a family with about 10 people at the table across from me celebrating a birthday, a young male/female couple having a very quiet dinner.  towards the end of the hall there was a "white" table with about 5 middle age white folk.  needless to say i stood out. but the bus boy made me feel a bit less out of place. he was hispanic.  i went there craving janjangmyeun noodles.  they didn't have any. 

jajangmyeun noodles: my new addiction

let me digress a little towards the jajangmyeon universe.   janjangmyeon is wheat noodles lathered in a black, soybean past with meat and veggies.  it is a heart attack waiting to happen but it is sooo good.  i am addicted to them, to the point that i try my darnest to go to Lawrence, where there is this great Korean hole-in-the-wall, with the excuse of visting my family but the secret plan to stop by Garden House on my way back.  i watched a korean soap opera a while back, Couple or Trouble, where the main character would pretty much only eat jajangmyeun.  after 16 episodes fo jajangmyeun goodiness, i had to find a place to have them. yelping, and yelping around i remembered that Garden House was Korean.  to my diet's detriment and further dependance on emotional food, i found jajangmyeun.  and! not only jajangmyeun but ganjanjangmyeun which is pretty much the same thing but with a slight sauce mixing difference.  anyway, ever since i have been trying them whenever i go to a korean restaurant, if they have the dish.  last weekend i stopped by H-Mart in Burlington and bought some jajangmyeun in a bag, a la Maruchan sopita for 99cents.  i haven't made them yet but i'm hoping it could be good enough to become a quick fix when needed. 

ok, so they didn't have jajangmyeun and i ended up ordeing some japchae with rice and a kimchi pancake (kimchi pajeon).  i swear the restaurant owner thought i knew what i was ordering.  she was cute.  while there the big table had a cake brought to them and i got to indirectly sing the happy birthday song in Korean. it was hilarious, the owner was trying to set the Karaoke track to it and there was this short intro done by mistake like three times before he got it right.  it's like he was teasing the audience or something.  here's the song:

afterwards he kept playing the electric guitar to a number of songs such a 'besame mucho' and 'yesterday' by the beatles. it was too funny. because he was the only one playing along with a keyboard recording, he sounded like a really tacky Korean-bachatero or sorts. i couldn't stop giggling. imagine, here i am the only woman seating by herself in the middle of the restaurant right on the racial dividing line between koreans and the non-koreans, and i can't stop giggling. i held my cell phone to pretend. then i texted my friend Richard because i knew that he would appreciate the irony or the moment.  i didn't even eat that much anyway so i had things packed up and left.

to my relief, there was no ticket on my windshield--i didn't pay the meter--and i was ready to cruise down I-84E to good ol' Boston.  i have to say though, that i was left wanting to stay in New Haven and the Yale area.  it's just what i would like.  who knows.  God works in msyterious ways.  maybe this was not just a coincidence after all. i have learned to not see things just as incidents that happen but all as being threads that a master weaver carefully gives you a gimplse of to then, maybe years later, show you that you weren't ready for the full piece yet.  :) 

it was a good Yale adventure.  

recharge woman

it's funny how certain things stick to you after hearing them just once.  in one of my favorite japanese soap operas, Pride, Kimura Takuya said to the female lead in the story that she was one of those women where people come to recharge. well, he said men but i think people apply best for what i think.  heck, it's my post so i can paraphrase however i want to.  he said that she was one of those women where [people] came to when they felt like they needed their energy refreshed or a refuge of sorts.  that's what i feel like sometimes.   especially when it comes to many of my friends, i feel that they come to me either for advice, to be listened to, or to feel a certain emotional connection that our relationship carries.  today i met with an old friend for lunch after church and it was sort of like that.  he is going through a number of things and we chatted about his life, his new goals/projects and everything in between.  he had been emailing for us to meet for a while so today between church and another meeting i had, i gave him a call and he ended driving from Wilmington to chat with me.  we went to Code 10--a cafe in the South End--and had grilled cheese with tomato sandwiches.  then we walked to the garden and sat there for a while.  i don't know that i was doing anything special and/or important but i do know that there was a need in him for familiarity, closeness and space to relate.  it's weird sometimes when you know that someone needs you but not because you can offer something in particular but because there is a level of closeness and understanding that you have which that person needs at that moment.   this friend and i can spend years without seeing each other but for some reason he always ends up coming back. i don't know why.  every time it feels as if time has not passed and we have the same rhythm and fights that we had about 10years ago when i met him in church.  it's funny.  he is extremely arrogant, always thinking too highly of himself and dreaming all these big things.  my job is to bring him down to earth and remind him of his "hubris".  it's really funny.  irrespective of that, he is my friend.  i made a decision long time ago to be his friend, regardless of what i thought were flaws that i just couldn't accept.  i don't know why God brought him to my life but to the extent possible,  i will continue to be there when he comes back.

i don't know that i am one of those "recharge women" that Kimutaku mentioned in this drama line, but i certainly feel like it many times.  there always seems to be that time when my friends drift away but keep returning to me for a friendship "recharge."  it makes me wonder why they keep coming back?  it puzzles me why i keep being there when they do.  i guess it's part of interpersonal relationships and a commitment to a friendship that you want to last a lifetime.   i guess i would like to be one of those 'recharge' women but at the same time it's scary to always be there for people but not necessarily have them be there for you.  at the end of the day, i guess i have to analyze my motives and see.  hmmm...

sometimes there are people who do very simple things that just show so much care.  there's this guy who works for the construction department at my job who is always so willing to help out with anything he is asked--at least that has been my experience.  he is also an artist so when we have events he is our photographer and volunteer. yesterday, i was on my way out heading to Hartford and i bumped into some people including him.  i mentioned that i was on my way to CT and he jokingly asked if he could go. i said "sure! come along" and he took it seriously.  so he ended up going down to CT with me just to ride along.  he said that he didn't want me to go by myself.  i just thought that that was so nice of him.  i'm sure he could have spent his time doing something else or hanging out with his girlfriend but instead the he chose to come along for the heck of it. 

i really appreciated the fact that he came.  the weird thing is that earlier that morning i was thinking of how i didn't really want to go to CT alone because the night before i had gone there and was really sleepy. plus, i got food poisoning from this free leftover food we had at the church. that's another story including 16 more people.  :) quite hilarious actually.  anyway, that morning i thought to myself, "who would be a person that i know would say yes without thinking about it twice?", and his guy's name was among those that came to mind.  isn't that weird? that the person i thought would be good to come along and would actually do so, ended up coming with me.  after the data collection visit we went to eat something, and later stopped for a Frosty from Wendy's.  moments like last night are so simple and yet so fulfilling.  i didn't plan to have good conversation, share a meal + dessert, laugh and connect without human being but yet organically it all turned out that way.  we made plans to go to Rockport with his girlfriend because she has never been on the commuter rail or Rockport.  he's a person who hasn't finished school, works in construction and i don't even think that he's in this country fully documented.  yet, hanging out with him had such quality to it. the simplicity of our interactions and complexity of conversation was just easy to follow.  more more i realize that i long to connect with people who are not intellectually-inclined, or have vast knowledge to share, or an opinion to everything; but people who--whether they're highly educated or not--have a human quality and simplicity to them.  i want to become more and more like those people. 

having him take his time after a long day of work to pointlessly--in theory--accompany me to CT, made me feel cared for and that, even for a couple of hours, someone was genuinely concern with my well-being.  it's funny how such a simple gesture can have such an emotional impact.   :)

i can't wait... why don't they just do it already?

i have been waiting for a Verizon iPhone for the longest time.  i refuse to switch providers to AT&T.  so probably once a week--or every two depending on when I remember--i check blogs, computer geek forums, etc. for some insight as to when it would come.  so when i read this USA Today article on it, i was all smiles.  also, my coworker just told me that her uncle who works for Verizon and/or has an inside contact, says that indeed it is scheduled to come out January.  she hadn't read the article here so i count that as two confirmation points. if only it were that easy.  but, i have been waiting for like two years so i can wait a bit longer.  so close and yet so far. 

i mean, it's a matter of principle really.  i said i would not be an AT&T customer if i think their service sucks, and definitely not just because of the iPhone fad.  i holding my ground.  i will not give in; specially if it is a matter of months.  :)

USA Today: Verizon Wireless reportedly Offering Apple iPhone in January

Cape Cod + the Vineyard

so i'm back from the Cape and Vineyard.  it was a good four-day vacation. it's always fun hanging out with the Midd girls. we stayed at this timeshare place in Mashpee, which belongs to a friend's friend.  i like the Cape.  i had never visited to stay there for long just kinda passing through some towns.  i am so sunburned from the beach, specially yesterday in Martha's Vineyard. 

the first day there we went to explore towards Hyannis.  there are a lot of brazilians there. i didn't really know how many there were.  it seemed kinda odd but it makes sense.  everything closes so early. we were trying to find a place to eat at around 10:30 but everything was closed so we went to this Bistro/Bar called six eighty five and order some pizzas since their late night menu was not being served that night.  the pizzas were good.  the music alright. the crowd hilarious. there were all these white chicks there totally drunk dancing away like they were chinese contortionists.  total riot. 

our last day there we went to Martha's Vineyard to meet up with my friend's friend who happens to be the Dominican writer Junot Diaz.   i started reading his Pulitzer Prize awarded book, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, about four months ago while on the plane from Maryland--my friend Becca lent it to me--but i didn't make it past the second chapter. i pick it up now and then while on the T but haven't read it consistently.  he's a funny fellow.  we walked around the Vineyard and chatted about stuff.  total potty mouth and very Dominican in some senses and not-so-much in others. he seems to call you 'negra' and touch your arm often, while speaking very fast. i also was left with the impression of not knowing if he is gay or straight.  in any event, it was interesting to spend part of the afternoon with him. he is very funny and easy-going; i think i said that already.  anyway, as far as i can tell, he speaks like he writes, and the main character in Wao could totally be him.  it must be some what autobiographical fiction but i don't know. he's moving to NYC the beginning of August and won't be teaching at MIT anymore, which defeats the point of me meeting him now when we are kinda neighbors for the next two weeks. he he. i think i'm going to finish he's book so that when i see him again i can ask him to sign it, if i end up liking it, that is. i'm sure i'll see him again at some point.  it was an interesting afternoon. 

oh, the ferry to the vineyard was fun.  i felt like we were being stalked by this asian guy who was with us from the parking lot shuttle to take the ferry to the ferry ride back, and a gazillion times in between.  too funny. then on our drive back from the Cape, these guys who were on the ferry  were being silly with this stuffed bear peaking through the car window and saying hello to everyone... on the highway. i was driving behind them and couldn't not stop laughing.  my friends were kinda getting annoyed because it wasn't funny really but i just thought it was totally stupid for someone to waste their time trying to get people's attention in such a silly way. because traffic was very slow the driver could see me laughing and kept making gestures with his hand. by the way, he was so totally gorgeous. how can some people have such perfect genes? 

it was a fun trip the Cape and Vineyard.  it might even become a little summer tradition from now on.  :)

wth...

ok. this is so funny and weird at the same time.  i just had two phone calls in the span of 10 minutes from people inviting to this one gathering.  a woman i know--who is the self-professed matchmaker at my church--called to ask me if i wanted to attend a get-together at her house on sunday.  while i was talking with her, this 'unknown' number called as well.  since i'm waiting for a call from my brother, i decided to call the number since the 617 number may be from his girlfriend's house.  it turned out to be a man from church, to ask me the same thing.  apparently, there's this man who thought it would be good to invite me.  they mentioned his name and i totally know who he is.  i was like, O.M.G.  what do i do?  i am so happy that i am going to Cape Cod for the weekend.  otherwise, i would have had to find something else to do as an excuse not to go.  i could not think of someone worse for people to try to hook me up with.  furthermore, what's up with these two people?  they obviously didn't plan this, but they are really synched. i hate when people try to force something on others, out of good intentions, but still, i haven't even talked to these people enough for them to try to sell me off to someone just because.  i can't stop laughing. this is really funny.

the guy was like, "no, it's just a group of people hanging out", "if you want to bring your aunt, or a friend, or a brother, you can... it's not a romantic thing at all."  the woman was  like, "there's this guy who mentioned you and said that it would be great if you could come."  "he really wants you to come."  i almost laughed.  first of all, if this guy thinks i'm so great, why can't he pick up the phone can call to invite me himself?  i just think that's so lame.  second, for a person like me who is borderline obsessed with making my own choices and not having third parties involved in my romantic endeavors, why on earth would this happen to me?  why?

anyway, i'm going to the Cape tomorrow so i don't have to go. phew!  hopefully i won't  have anything to do with the Great White spotted near the beach there.  i tell you.  the weekend i plan on being at the Cape, there's all this buzz about sharks being around.  that's a double wth.  :)

unexpectedness

today was an interesting day. i woke up early because the young professionals group at my church had a bible study and i was in charge of some things. i got there relatively early and no one was there--even when they said we should be there early. anyway, it gave me time to set things up and get some copies for my bible study piece. not many people showed up. in fact, i think we only had 4 people in addition to the 4 from the leadership team. it was an amazing morning though. God just blessed us with an outpouring of His spirit and things flowed in the time of praise/worship in a way that we definitely had not foresee or intended. it's was great.

after the bible study i went to help "Brother Orange" with an errand that he had. we were going to pick up a car he sold to someone that didn't want it anymore and he needed me to drive the other car back. so i get to their little apartment and his wife was there so we started chatting about things including a coworker of mine who is getting married. it was interesting. i felt like i was defending my coworker at times because it seems the old lady has the wrong impression about my coworker but who knows. anyway, it started raining like crazy and since their apartment is a basement apartment at the church, when it rains a lot it floods. so i was checking something on the computer and all of the sudden the water starts coming in. they had tons of boxes and stuff in the living--apparently to sort out and throw away--so everything started getting wet. i had to roll up my jeans and take my shoes off to help clean up. so here i am. saturday afternoon, when i had planned to do a number of things, mopping and draining water with a towel along with two 60-something year olds. finally we got things dried up and rearranged and i took a break my looking at their family pictures from Chile. it was awaesome. i just feel like i would love to be part of that family. they are just so loving and free. they made me dinner and the three of us ate while watching the Urugua/Germany game and chatting about stuff. then another church guy came along, Hno. Mario, and we starting talking about my trip to Japan over tea and crackers. he has always wanted to go to Japan so every time he sees me, he asks about the pictures. it was a really nice afternoon with rather unexpected events. it felt really good to just share with people without having to plan for it, or having to coordinate to the nth degree. it was simple, fun fellowship that you can't probably find anywhere else. i like hanging out with older folks.

finally, towards 7pm i headed home. when i go to my neighborhood's train station, there was this crowd towards the escalators. as I approached I realized they were filming a movie or series or something. they had all the equipment--lights, sound, props, etc.--and were leaving one of the escalators open of the regular T customers. as i got on the escalator they started filming, so I guess i became an extra for some sort of movie. the actors were at the top of the escalators doing something. i didn't see anyone i recognized so it probably wasn't that big of a film. :)

all in all, i had a pretty good, unexpectedly fun saturday.  and then tomorrow is the world cup final.  go Spain!

no words

she's not really singing. she's telling a story. a beautiful, sad story and would just give anything to have been there to see her tell it. this woman is just so amazing...



Chuva | Mariza

As coisas vulgares que há na vida
Não deixam saudades
Só as lembranças que doem
Ou fazem sorrir

Há gente que fica na história
da história da gente
e outras de quem nem o nome
lembramos ouvir

São emoções que dão vida
à saudade que trago
Aquelas que tive contigo
e acabei por perder

Há dias que marcam a alma
e a vida da gente
e aquele em que tu me deixaste
não posso esquecer

A chuva molhava-me o rosto
Gelado e cansado
As ruas que a cidade tinha
Já eu percorrera

Ai... meu choro de moça perdida
gritava à cidade
que o fogo do amor sob chuva
há instantes morrera

A chuva ouviu e calou
meu segredo à cidade
E eis que ela bate no vidro
Trazendo a saudade

simple God lessons

so there's a coworker of mine who had a naturalization ceremony appointment this week to become a US citizen.  she was very happy about it and mentioned it a couple of times. i figured that it probably means a lot to her since for about two years her husband was out of the country due to immigration issues.  it was a tough time for her becuase with two young boys, a mortgage and no job, things can become quiet hectic.  she's a fighter, though, so with God's help she came through.  so... needless to say, the whole becoming American thing was big for her.  

to celebrate, i decided that we would create a big us flag on flipchart paper and write "Congrats So and So 'Gringa' last name.  i thought it would be funny and encouraging to her.  i also went to the flower shop and got some red, white and blue flowers for her desk.  it was sure to be a hit.  she came in, all dressed up and with family behind her.  we all excited asked how it went and she said, 'they didn't give it to me."  she had a traffic ticket between the test and the oath ceremony, and since she asked for a hearing they she can't take the oath until it's cleared.  i felt so bad. here i am, making all this fuss for something that must have been painful for this woman.  i wanted to die.  i quickly went and wrote "soon-to-be" next to the gringa part but it was still uncomfortable.   at that point i asked God, "Lord, why would you let me do that if in your wisdom, you knew what would happen?" 

the next day, she sent an email in which she thanked us for taking the time to do the flag and the flowers. they helped her get through the day, giving her 'animo' in a very discouraging situation.  it was then when i realized why God allowed me to draw the flag and get the flowers.  they were needed not to celebrate, but to encourage a sister in Christ and help her in a tough moment.  it all made sense. that's just such a God thing to do, and such a God-lesson to be learned. 

amor de ocaso...

Hay veces en que el ser humano pierde la alegría, esperanza y hasta la habilidad de soñar en el amor. Yo, por ejemplo, no creo nunca haber amado del todo a nadie y en este momento no se en realidad lo que eso significa, siquiera. En el edificio donde trabajo hay un señor ya entrando la tercera edad--está en los sesenta creo, o adentrado esa década--y siempre me vive platicando de cosas para aliviar su soledad. De mi parte en realidad no puedo callarle, una porque habla desbordantemente a veces, y otras porque me enternece su necesidad de cercanía a un oído receptivo que le ayude a desahogar el alma cargada de muchos años no bien utilizados. Es un hombre muy inteligente y que ha vivido mucho, pero a la misma vez, es un hombre en pasos de infancia espiritual al cual Dios esta transformando día a día. Es, también, tremendo mujeriego al que siempre hay que mantenerle una distancita como reserva en caso de emergencia. De todos modos es una de esas personas que tiene nada que ofrecerme y todo que darme. Me gusta llegar a la oficina y verle sonreír, dándome el periódico gratis que al final echo a la basura pues ya lo leí en el tren pero él insiste en traérmelo. Siempre se le olvida las historias que me dice así que siempre le vivo recordando que ya me lo dijo. Hay veces en que me lo encuentro en la guagua y viajamos juntos hasta su parada. Hay días en que le llega la melancolía y sin decírmelo de digo que sonría.


La semana pasada me dijo que estaba enamorado. Creí que ya estaba con una de las señoras de la iglesia que es muy aspaventera y le encanta que él le de atención, pero creo que no le funciono. En fin, ahora hay un nuevo amor. Está súper feliz. Me la vive mencionando a cada rato y a mí me encanta ver como la ilusión de no estar mas solo le revive el semblante. No sé bien cómo explicarlo pero ver a una persona que muchos definirían como ya en el ocaso de su vida que puede comandar tal ilusión y esperanza en el amor me alienta a que el espíritu humano en realidad es invencible. Un hombre que ha pasado y causado desengaños, que ha sufrido y hecho sufrir, que está enfermo con veinte mil achaques y otras cosas más, todavía puede soñar y esperar en el amor. Claro que en su caso no es necesariamente el amor idealista, también hay un poco de anormalidad emocional y un habito perpetuado por malas decisiones en la vida. ¿Pero y si este fuera el amor que espero? ¿Si esta vez fuera la vez para la que hasta aquí anduvo errando por la vida? ¿Si esta vez, en el ocaso de su vida, ha encontrado lo que se asemeja más estrechamente a un amor avasallante, loco y desgarrado como el que el Padre siente por mí? ¿Qué pasaría si esta es esa vez? Creo que vale la pena soñar. Vale la pena pensar que si es esta vez. Vale la pena que este hombre con hábitos amorosos que dictaban su vida ahora quiera tener un amor ingenuo, un amor de esos complicadamente simples. Si solo con verlo amar a mí me hace sonreír, creo que vale la pena. No sé cómo terminara su etapa con esta nueva señora, lo que si se, es que ya sea quimera o amor eterno, vale la pena que se arriesgue. Vale la pena que sonría, que sueñe, que sienta y que si al final no resulte, que llore. Vale la pena que el ocaso de su vida se dilate un poco más aun si solo por el brillo de brazas que se apagan.

the joy of [lend]ing

I just got my Kiva lender report last week. It gives details of the loans I've made and the percentage pay-back received thus far. Whenever I get these reports I just feel so happy, not only because people are paying money back which I can lend to others but because it makes me feel that there's still hope for humanity. There are people who have good intentions and don't just want to run away after you extend your hand to walk with them. I just feel so happy to see how these small entrepreneurs across the world hold their end of the bargain with dignity. It makes me smile!

Manuel from the Phillipines has paid me back 50% of the loan as well as the DR Group 1. My Ghana group has paid 66.68% and DR Group 2 has paid 64.16% Yay!!

Discipline...

In the past couple of months I have realized the need for discipline in my life.   Not discipline that comes from a need for perfection, but one from balance and honoring of God in all aspects of my life.  Part of it comes from my nature to want to be 120% perfect but I realize that that shouldn't be the motivation.  However, I feel that God has been speaking to me in a variety of ways towards consistency, discipline, acceptance of myself and perfection from Him rather than to Him. 

As part of the young adults group at church, we have been reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. This book is totally amazing.  I had not really been reading the book for our discussions because frankly I was too caught up in stuff to do so.  However, I have started reading it in the past week and it is so revealing that I already have the feeling that God will transform my life through it and that I have to re-read it again.   Isn't it crazy when  you're reading a book and by the fourth chapter you already know that you have to re-read it because you know going though it once will not be enough?  I love it.  

I'm at the Discipline of Study chapter.  It explains how Study as defined by God, is to renew our minds and help it replace " old destructive habits of thought."  It's amazing how our mind can dictate our behavior, personality, perception of reality and truth, etc.   I love the definition that Foster gives here. 

Study is a specific kind of experience in which through careful attention to reality the mind is enabled to move in a certain direction.   Remember, the mind will always take on an offer conforming to the order upon which i concentrate. Perhaps to observe a tree of read a book.  We see it, feel it, understand it, draw conclusions from it.  And as we do, our thought processes take on an order conforming to the order in the tree or book.  When this is done with concentration, perception and repetition, ingrained habits of thought are formed.

I feel like I'm at such an amazing juncture in my life.  I have this mixture of joy and sadness but I can feel, literally, the joy winning over the sadness.   The sadness comes from a very human place where I realize my shortcomings and how inadequate I am.  At the same time, however, I can see God just working with all that and teaching me so many lessons.  I have probably learn so much about myself in the past two weeks than in the past year.  I have seen so much ugliness and dark places, which I didn't even know existed.  I am very grateful because He invest time to show me these things and to help me change them.  It also has infinitely helped me understand other people and where they are coming from.  How are are all coming from the same place with different manifestations of the same disease--at varying degrees sometimes, but the same disease. 

As I read the book, I have this hunger to just start doing, to start changing everything I know is wrong. I know I can't really do that but I know that God in his timing will do so much more that what I can do.   It's great!   It's a new day!  I can't wait to see what's in store.