i found her!

omg, omg-d... i am so happy and i'm such a geek.  i found my high school counselor after years of trying to get in touch with her. ms. K was an amazing influence during my high school years. i had to havigate the whole US college application process all by myself since i was the first one to go to college in this country.  my parents weren't here and none of my family members were knowledgeable enough to guide me.  ms. K who only worked with the top 10-15% of the class was so you know she meant business.  she was key in my choosing the right school to go to.  she pushed us to get things done and sometimes was down right scary. but she was great.  i almost moved in with her because of some housing issues i was having during my senior year. i lived with my grandmother and since she lived in a quasi-elderly housing we then found out that i should not have been there.  anyway, my grandma decided to move rather than let me go with ms. K but i still think it was great that she wanted to have me move in with her.  she didn't have any children so would it have been interesting to be an only-kid for a while.  :) 

i sent her a card reacently after googling her name and permutations thereof.  she called me back!  she's in florida but will be back towards the end of the month.  i'm so excited!  i really, really want to reconnect with her and see what she's been up to.  she must be like 60 or 70 now.  she was an amazing mentor and i totally love her.  oh g-d, i'm just so excited.  thought i should share. \(0 .0)/

perfect Friday morning...for His will is perfect.

God is good!  All the time. Yes, indeed.  Today, I was getting in to work a bit late since I decided to go to bed late and then clean my bathroom and do dishes this morning.  As I walked in, there was this special gathering from IHOP and the Ivy League’s ministry they have.  A group of kids from elite schools  coming together to ignite the fire of the Holy Spirit in them.  Very weird stuff for those that are not familiar with it.  But, amazing God-driven, life-changing weird stuff.  :)

 

I felt this unavoidable need to join the service.  It’s one of the perks of working in a church. I went to my desk and left my stuff, turned my computer on and responded to an email. I spent the rest of the morning with the group.  Ché Ahn was the main speaker.  He is a Korean-American pastor in CA with an amazing healing ministry as well as other aspects of a vibrant apostolic calling.  I could have listened to him all day; very nice, very relatable, very humble.  He spokes lots about harnessing faith and the elements of a strong faith.  Just what I needed.  I have been feeling a bit clueless lately because it seems I’m being bombarded from the inside-out and the outside-in, ie. e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.   As he spoke, God was speaking to me in very “rhema” ways.  Rhema in original Greek means “utterance/saying” but in the Christian vernacular it sorta means when you get revelation/interpretation from God that is specifically for you, very fitted for your situation and/or needs.  At least that’s how I understand it.  Anyway, he started speaking of his ministry and how we are called to places in ways in which we do not fully understand.  That God puts you in situations where you do not have a complete grasp but in the process it is all part of a master plan. He mentioned speaking with people in Japan and the way they engage with the gospel.  It was interesting how he spoke of Japan and evangelizing since I have long felt this burden and conviction that I will be involved with the Church in Japan at some point.  This obviously related to my current situation with the Japanese-centered organization I work with.  Everything was just so masterfully assembled for me that I had no choice but to laugh a little and take it all in---even if I didn’t understand half of it.  God has been teaching me to wait upon him and not have to logically categorize the ways in which He moves.  I always try to find a formula or interpretation for things and most times I do. My constant question to God is, “How do I put the puzzle together? I don’t’ know what to do. Can you show me?” But it seems as if God is putting me in situations where I have no way out and I have to learn to truly wait on Him.  Waiting in the Christian sense where you are never passive but you wait actively.  I don’t know if that makes sense but it does to me. Hee! Anyway, back to Mr. Ahn.   It was great to have that unexpected treat.  He is worldly renowned as a very powerful man of God.  I dig his style and admire how he is being used by God to do superb things.    After a little break, he continued with his talk which was just as fascinating as the first half.  I’m about to buy all his books all at once. J Then when the activity was ending he called the students forward and all things turn quite crazy, in a good way though. The Holy Spirit was just at work in amazing ways and I was elated that God was allowing me to witness a moment which I think will have a piece in marking history.   

Towards the end, this man who has a daily house of prayer session at our church came to me and told me he felt God leading him to share a word with me.  I obviously nodded with a smile and paid attention to what he had to say.  Mind you, I am not sure how I feel about this guy.  I don’t trust him.  It’s weird but I have shared this with people before where in my spirit I feel like I can’t trust him 100%.  He’s an artist and has a very tumultuous history spiritually, sexually, emotionally, etc.  Anyway, I can honestly say that all that was put aside and I attentively listed to what he was saying.  His words were right on point!   I will paraphrase because, obviously, I do not remember word for word but it went something like this:  

God, has not forgotten about you. What he has entrusted in your hands will become a reality.  He things he has given you he will bring to pass in his time.  He understands you and the desires of your heart.  Sometimes you feel like you are “biding your time” but trust in Him.  He will bring them to be in due time.  He will “make sense of the puzzle.”  At the right time, he will just make it happen.  You will know when that is.  He will align everything and give you any tools that you need.  Don’t be anxious.  Just trust him and wait on Him. 

To a person that’s a bit skeptical this may be so generic that it seems like a joke.  But that’s the beauty of God speaking to you. The words may sound like one of those psychic scams but when your spirit is receiving those words is as if you had an automatic sorting software in your brain computer that takes every phrase, classifies it and places it in the right inbox.  Those words may sound “blahh” to someone but to me they were just that; even something as vague as the “desires of the heart.”  That was automatically translated, simultaneously to cover a number of wants in my heart, which are not really related to each other, except for the fact that they come from me.  The fact that the same, exact words of my thoughts, not even words but thoughts were said, I feel, shows how amazing my Father is.  The Maker of Everything cares about my thoughts enough to send word to me with those exact words.  I just felt so cared for, listened to.  That’s God’s love for ya! 

The interesting things is that even that encounter with my yet-to-fully-be-liked brother was a lesson for me.  I felt like I was being taught something.  I also felt that God was pleased with my reaction.  I felt that He approved the fact that my heart was so receptive to His words that it didn’t matter who brought them.  Although I feel the experience was much more enriching because that particular person was used for it.  Does that make sense?  The fact that a person I’m not crazy about was used to deliver a personal, custom-made message for me in a way that touch my heart in such a way is much more valuable than if someone I cared about deeply had done it.  It’s a multi-fold experience that has many lessons hidden in it.  I love it! 

What else can I say? The day was amazing.  I could not have asked for more.  This post is long enough already but I just feel it’s the perfect, very God-perfect way to end my week, my birthday week at that.  :D

feet go here, feet go there...

oh, what a [Satur]day! i spent the day walking around Boston with 35 japanese college students between the ages 19-21.  it was quite a task.  we left the at around 11am to take the T to park st.  i showed them how to use their train card.  walked around Boston common, public gardens, newbury st., prudential and copley, coolidge corner among other areas.  they're a good bunch.  some a bit catty; some really sweet.  apparently certain things i did were kawaii and i smelled good. just my kind of group. :)

the highlight of the tour was copley square and trinity church.  as i explained the hancock tower weather-color-coding thing there was a group of septua/octo/nonagenarias in a tour of their own. all of the sudden i see two old ladies approach me. so cute!  so i finish my sentence and acknoledge them staning very, very close to me.  they start asking me questions, "where does the group come from?" "china?" "no, japan," i reply.  "how long was the trip?" "do i live there or here?" "how are things after the earthquake?" "do they like it here?"  "do i teach them english?"  they start telling me they're on a tour too. they're from russia.  the tour guide--"ha! she was like 80-something--looks to me with a gigantic smile, "yes, i'm a tour guide too."  we were comrades.  someone starts calling them to their little 15-passenger vans (2) and they start walking there.  the two old ladies are still asking me questions but they had to rush to it a bit since they were going to leave them.  i kinda held one of the grannies' elbow to guide her to the van and kept smiling and walking away.  as i walked away from them the lead granny looks at me with her signature grin and says, "you are beautiful!"  she was awesome.  i loved the chat and the group of oldies just walking about boston all by themselves. i like old folk a lot so that was nice. it was such a random moment.  after, we went through the pru and shopped. i had a cardboard sign with my cell number to show the students and when i went to the restroom it fell out of my pocket.  when i realized it, i went back to the restroom and found it right outside the door.  heck, imagine someone finding it and start prank calling me or something.  that would have been a story.  on our way to take the train again i took them to the wrong train station--prudential instead of copley.  it was pretty funny.  me followed by 35 japanese girls walking aimlessly around the mall.  finally i found it after asking a security guard and a skincare counter lady.

it was a good day.  i laugh a lot when i'm with the students.  i always fall in love with some of them. they're usually sweet and giggly.  it was fun to be walking about the city with such beautiful weather but by the end of the day i was dead. i came home watched a little bit of a korean soap and fell asleep.  i totally missed the time to meet my friends in Central square and by the time i started to get going i realized that i'd be getting there after 9pm to have to leave by 11.  let's see what tomorrow holds.  i'm waiting for God's miracle in terms of the house. oh, that's another little saga i need to write about later. never a dull moment! 

How on earth am I an INTP?

Behold, the formula to my brain!  As explained by Mr. Butt... ha!

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
by Joe Butt

Profile: INTP
Revision: 3.2
Date of Revision: 6 Aug 2010

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INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to almost anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions.

Mathematics is a system where many INTPs love to play, similarly languages, computer systems--potentially any complex system. INTPs thrive on systems. Understanding, exploring, mastering, and manipulating systems can overtake the INTP's conscious thought. This fascination for logical wholes and their inner workings is often expressed in a detachment from the environment, a concentration where time is forgotten and extraneous stimuli are held at bay. Accomplishing a task or goal with this knowledge is secondary.
INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result ofoverlooking details or of incorrect context.

Games NTs seem to especially enjoy include Risk, Bridge, Stratego, Chess, Go, and word games of all sorts. (I have an ENTP friend that loves Boggle and its variations. We've been known to sit in public places and pick a word off a menu or mayonnaise jar to see who can make the most words from its letters on a napkin in two minutes.) The INTP mailing list has enjoyed a round of Metaphore, virtual volleyball, and a few 'finish the series' brain teasers.

INTPs in the main are not clannish. The INTP mailing list, with a readership now in triple figures, was in its incipience fraught with all the difficulties of the Panama canal: we had trouble deciding:

whether or not there should be such a group,

exactly what such a group should be called, and

which of us would have to take the responsibility for organization and maintenance of the aforesaid group/club/whatever.

A Functional Analysis

Introverted Thinking

Introverted Thinking strives to extract the essence of the Idea from various externals that express it. In the extreme, this conceptual essence wants no form or substance to verify its reality. Knowing the Truth is enough for INTPs; the knowledge that this truth can (or could) be demonstrated is sufficient to satisfy the knower. "Cogito, ergo sum" expresses this prime directive quite succinctly.In seasons of low energy level, or moments of single-minded concentration, the INTP is aloof and detached in a way that might even offend more relational or extraverted individuals.

Extraverted iNtuition

Intuition softens and socializes Thinking, fleshing out the brittle bones of truths formed in the dominant inner world. That which is is not negotiable; yet actual application diffuses knowledge to the extent that knowledge needs qualification and context to be of any consequence in this foreign world of substance.If Thinking can desist, the INTP is free to brainstorm, calling up the perceptions of the unconscious (i.e., intuition) which are mirrored in patterns in the realm of matter, time and space. These perceptions, in the form of theories or hunches, must ultimately defer to the inner principles, or at least they must not negate them.
Intuition unchained gives birth to play. INTPs enjoy games, formal or impromptu, which coax analogies, patterns and theories from the unseen into spontaneous expression in a way that defies their own comprehension.

Introverted Sensing

Sensing is of a subjective, inner nature similar to that of the SJs. It supplies awareness of the forms of senses rather than the raw, analogic stimuli. Facts and figures seek to be cleaned up for comparison with an ever growing range of previously experienced input. Sensing assists intuition in sorting out and arranging information into the building blocks for Thinking's elaborate systems.The internalizing nature of the INTP's Sensing function leaves a relative absence of environmental awareness (i.e., Extraverted Sensing), except when the environment is the current focus. Consciousness of such conditions is at best a sometime thing.

Extraverted Feeling

Feeling tends to be all or none. When present, the INTP's concern for others is intense, albeit naive. In a crisis, this feeling judgement is often silenced by the emergence of Thinking, who rushes in to avert chaos and destruction. In the absence of a clear principle, however, INTPs have been known to defer judgement and to allow decisions about interpersonal matters to be left hanging lest someone be offended or somehow injured. INTPs are at risk of being swept away by the shadow in the form of their own strong emotional impulses.

Famous INTPs:

Socrates, Rene Descartes, Blaise Pascal, Sir Isaac Newton,

U.S. Presidents: James Madison, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Gerald Ford

William Harvey (pioneer in human physiology),  C. G. Jung, (Freudian defector, author of Psychological Types, etc.)
William James, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Tom Foley (1989-1995: Speaker of the House--U.S. House of Representatives), Henri Mancini, Bob Newhart, Jeff Bingaman, U.S. Senator (D.--NM), Rick Moranis (Honey, I Shrunk The Kids) Midori Ito (ice skater, Olympic silver medalist), Tiger Woods

Fictional INTPs

Sherlock Holmes, Tom and Fiona (Four Weddings and a Funeral), Dr. Susan Lewis (ER), Filburt (Rocko's Modern Life)

Copyright © 1996-2011 Joe Butt

Source: http://typelogic.com/intp.html

there's nothing more disappointing than when you feel taken advantage by those who you love and who love you.  when people you care for do that, it's like you have nowhere to turn.  there's this lack of groundedness that makes things really heavy. currently, i feel taken advantage of.  i also feel like an idiot because i knew i would be taken advantage of from the getgo but decided to go into it anyway. technically, i have nothing to complain about.  however, it is easier said than done.  it is hard when you sacrifice for others and it comes across as if they take it for granted; as if they are entitled to it.  to me it feels wrong. sometimes i think it's some type of weird co-dependence of sorts.  why would i care for what happens if it won't harm me?  why keep planning aspects of my life based on what would be good for others rather than me?  they don't do the same for me... however, deep down i know i can't be that way. i know i have to do what i know is right and let God judge what may be unfair to me or to them.  i have to do what's right even if i don't feel like doing it.  at the same time, i have to set some boundaries, even if it is with those that you should trust and care for.  those that supposedly are the only ones to be there for you always.  i've learn that no one is ever there for you always. no human being can ever be there for you always.  God is but besides him.  you can count on people changing and inevitably their relationship with you changes.  it's sad.  i truly wished i'd have a different perspective in life but the more i live, the more i learn that you may be surprised.  :)

omnipresent... now i get it.

on Sunday, we had a special event for the japanese earthquake relief fund.  it was very nice, actually.   i had not planned to attend but since i walked in as it was going on, i couldn't just say no.

the hall looked very pretty.  light through the glass window with all the biblical stained glass scenes reflected on the golden panel at the state and the simple japanese aesthetic decorations with one big calligraphy piece with the chinese character for heart.  a BBS teacher conducted a japanese tea ceremony for the victims of the earthquake.  it was a really nice time.  i just felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and wonder.  even there i felt the presence of God.  the teacher that was doing the the tea ceremony made a comment which i thought was interesting, it was something along the lines of "how fitting that we are doing this offering in a place originally used for offerings to higher being."  the hall used to be a chapel. 

i very much enjoyed that time.  the paper cranes the students made were presented to the Japanese consul in Boston to bring to Japan.  it was very nice.  it was weird that i left the place feeling a certain peace and with a sense of surprise, a pleasant surprise.  :)

happy spring! (in theory)

hello!  i've been MIA for a while but after someone reminded me that i haven't posted in a bit, here i am.  back to my craziness.  recently i was traveling for work--NYC and ATL.  i was hoping to take a couple of days to chill in atlanta but it turned out otherwise and i wasn't able to.  it was a good trip overall.  i'll share a bit of what went down.  

as i mentioned, i went to NYC for a work visit en route to Atlanta for a federal training of sorts.  for the trip to the Big Apple i took Amtrak.  it was a nice ride, specially since i dont have to deal with them planes that have been scaring me for a while.  that's another story though... anyway, my friend Tonia was going to take me to the airport and i told her we could leave at 10:30am since my train left at 11:13am.  it shouldn't take me too long to get to South Station, right?  right... i didn't actually buy my ticket until about a half hour from leaving to the train station.  finally, we headed out and made it there just in time. they were already boarding and i had just enough time to print my ticket--thank  God for no lines---and get to my business class, quiet car seat.  i sat down, elated with all the leg room for my short legs, and looked out the window.  i realized that i didn't like the size of the window and decided to move to the other side.  unfortunately, i had put my carry-on in the overhead compartment but figured that this was not rush hour so i just left it a couple of seats behind.  

at Back Bay some people got on and a guy who wanted to use the overhead compartment where my bag was didn't look too happy.  i said, "oh, that's my bag.  i was just too lazy to move it.  i can take it if you'd like?"  he was like, "how about i move it for you?"  so he did and we were all happy.  after we stopped in Providence a bunch of people got on so i moved my bag in case someone wanted the seat next to me. that's when i looked up and saw this very attractive man walking down the aisle.  he came to the empty seat next to me and sat down.  no hello. no smile.  no acknowledgement that we had just made eye contact when he was half way up the aisle.  no polite anything.  he seemed like one of those busy hedge fund or investment banker people or something because he had his laptop on all along.  he got up quiet a bit to go somewhere--bathroom? bar/cafe? air? don't know.  the thing is that he would not stop sighing or making those tsk, tsk, tsk noises people make when they're tyring to kill time in a cartoon or something.  he would do this as he work on his laptop.  i would just go about my business and read or check email.  he would brush his arm against mine every so often but never said excuse me or anything.  at one point he asked me to plug his computer cord into the outlet, which i did with a smile.  but the sighing and exhaling/inhaling routine went on, mind you, it was the freaking quiet car!  finally, towards the NJ/NY border i had to say something but was struggling to keep my mouth shut.  it was too hard, so i said, " you sound like you're having a stressful day..."  he looked to me, smiled--with his amazing teeth and totally handsome face--and said, "this is not stress, trust me."  "you mean, it gets worse than this?" said yours truly.  "yes, a lot more," said our handsome eastern european stranger--he had an accent which sounded pretty Russian-Bulgarian-ex-USSR-kinda.  with my two thumbs up i ended saying "at least is friday!" with a sarcastic smile and we both went about our business.  when it was time to disembark i asked if he wanted his laptop unplugged and we went separate ways.  to me that was a weird encounter and a very weird train partner.  what was that sighing/moaning/tsk-tsk-tsk/"ah...."/ahem, ahem/neck-cracking? not to mention this looking my way every so often but not even saying good morning?  i forgive him 'cause he was hot but he was totally weird-hot. 

then, i got to new york city...  [to be continued.  i know as if you haven't had enough..]

please, please, please...

Lord, let me find Adele tickets.  please.  i really want to hear her sing live.  :)  with much excitement i went online to purchase the most expensive Adele tickets i could find for her concert in Boston. ummm... sold out. yup.  no tickets in Boston, NYC, ATL, Denver or any other city--yes, I was willing to go to any of those cities.

hints

sometimes you have encounters that mark the beginning of something.  that's how i feel about a meeting i had while in DC this week.  i met people that i had worked with on a grant proposal--let's call them B&A.  as a celebration for getting the grant, B took us to dinner--us being my boss, my colleague, A and myself.  we all went to mccormick and schmicks in bethesda, md.  lots of chatting, stories and good food.  there was this french-speaking waiter that was either nervous or stupid because he kept brushing against me---when bringing my wine, my food, the bread, the tea, e-ve-ry sin-gle time. dork... anyway.  B used to be a prominent figure in an old administration and is quite the know-it-all.  anyway, throughout the whole meeting i felt like i was being observed.  maybe because they had never met me before and we had worked together a bit. i'm not sure.  i just felt that he was looking at me from time to time trying to figure me out.  for some reason i feel that there may be a greater connection with those people later on but i'm not sure how or what.  i just get that feeling and wonder why... we'll see what time says.

on another note, B is very gentleman-like.  he reminds me of my senior pastor.  lately, i have begun to notice some gentleman-like qualities that i didnt notice before.  i also have been--unconsciously--comparing those men that i feel exhibit "fake"  qualities and those that are genuine gentlemen.  i know it's an old term and all but it's reassuring to know that there are men like that.  it's little thing they do that makes them that way, and they do it when no one else is looking.  they do it with their wives but also with women that they have no romantic connection to. it's very intriguing and motivating at the same time.  i think my male peers seem to have lost some of those qualities.  it's not just opening doors, pulling chairs or hanging your coat; there's more than that.  there's a certain unstated sense of protection and care.  there's a certain calm and knowledge of who they are.  there's a certain sense of security and lack of them feeling threatened by you in any ways.  it's just... i don't know... but if i were a guy i would want to be that way.

today i've been thinking about how weird things related to your faith are and how diverse interpretations can be regarding it.  i went to meet with a group of pastors in my hometown to see if they would be interested in the program i work for.  to me, it was an utter disappointment.  the meeting was not as productive and in my eyes they are so stubborn and centered around their own culture that is just drain all energy out of me.  once again i am going to God to have one of those erratic conversations where i'm not mad but i'm confused at/with/for him.  this got me thinking... we classify things in our lives as personal, professional, spiritual, etc., etc.  however for me who you are is only one thing : faith.  everything else is just an expression of it.  that's in theory, of course.  in practice, i'm not sure since i haven't taken a close look at how i keep that claim valid across the board.  you'd think that pastors would think that way too.  however, when as the church we make a clear--borderline judgemental--distinction between us and them (the world, non-believers, other religions, denominations...), arent' we saying that there are aspects of our lives where faith is not operative?  where God is excluded from?  every time I pastor says that it is a problem of the world outside rather than the church it makes me want to ask, "what planet are you from?"  i understand that we can get so churchie that we lose touch with the ways in which the world operates but when we use our spiritual sub-culture as a crutch to keep shelter and justify our insular perspective, then i just think it's sad.  so i guess that after my meeting today, i am sad.   i'm sad because as an ethnic community we are not up to the challenge. i'm also sad because as a faith community we couldn't be farther.  i know that God can do it and i trust that he will do it but at moments like this i am left as an open target, defenseless to that which i cannot control.  however, it also makes me want to work harder to change that resistance and sense of comfort that people take refuge under thinking they'll get away with it. 

student depression: 0; super RA: 2

no of the students in my wing seemed to be a bit down all of the sudden.  she’s a really sweet, cute girl and usually smiley but lately she seems sad and her gaze is distant.  the shine in her eyes is gone. given that in japanese culture things are usually kept bottled up i was hesitant to ask her anything so i just asked her if she’s doing well, and at another time asked if she felt tired; little things like that.  she finally said that she wanted to talk to me.  thursday night at around 10pm she came to my room.  she sat down and started telling me how she felt. she wouldn’t stop crying--thank God i had a little packet of tissues.  she said she felt bad that she had not been a good wing leader--she’s one of two.  she felt incompetent for not having cared enough for her fellow students or not have gotten to known them more.  she had that japanese perfectionist mentality oozing off of her.  then she said that she was having a conflict with her former bff.  apparently, the friend said that she was not cheerful enough and didn’t appreciate her behavior.  that was affecting her to the point that she was not focusing on her studies and had a hard time going to bed on time, etc. etc.  i talked with her for about an hour and half and explained to her that she was doing a good job.  that she was a student and that was her number one priority and that being a wing leader was not defined by how people reacted to her but how she dealt with the things that mattered.  i mentioned that even i as an RA have a hard time getting all 28 girls on our floor to respond to me.  we then tackled the friend issue and advised her to talk it out with the girl. if the girl did not have a credible argument as to why they were having problems then (after having done everything possible to resolve things and continue the friendship) she would have to consider if that was a positive influence for her and if she wanted to devote so much time and energy to someone who was not appreciative of it.   finally, i helped her create a weekly calendar where we mapped out her whole week inlcuding classes and activities and study times.   she promised me that she would follow it and rather than studying in her room she would go to a public place where she would be forced to focus on the books rather than crying over what was bothering her.  

i checked in with on sunday and she said that the calendar was working very well for her.  (yay!!)  i was so happy.  today we had a conversation about a conflict that some girls are having and at that time i asked if things were well and she said that after speaking with me she felt very motivated and has been feeling much better.  i felt like i had hit a homerun.  it was so good to see her smiling again.  as we spoke, she mentioned this conflict between two roommates. one of them is sleeping in the lounge which is hindering other students’ usage of it.  so i talked to the previously-down-in-the-dumps wing leader and we came up with a plan to resolve the situation.  then i mentioned to her how this is a great opportunity for her because conflict is everywhere and everyone has some sort of conflict, so for her to be able to mediate this it will give her a great experience. there are four parties involved in this (the roommates, the wing leaders, students that complained, and students services--which includes the SS director and me).  it’s a complex situation so being in the middle and having to be the neutral party will give her a professional, personal and social experience.  somehow she ended up leaving very happy to be involved in this little chaos.  

the whole experience is just fascinating to me.  i’m in the middle of this conflict where everyone but me is japanese.  it’s interesting to see how culture plays a role in human interactions in general but there are certain skills that one can develop that can be useful irrespective of the cultural setting.  i think effective conflict resolution is one of them.  i wonder how things will end up but i am somewhat looking forward to seeing what happens, even if it will require some tension.  i’m also puzzled as to why i’m in the middle of all this.  i have this feeling that sometime from now i’ll be writing another blog entry and this will all connect to make sense of one big picture that i have tiny impressions of in my spirit.  this is another exciting adventure waiting to happy and it is undeniable that Master G is involved.   hmmm....  for now i’ll try to remember to pray for my students.  gosh being japanese is not easy. 

irony

i woke up late today and missed the shuttle to the train station.  as i usually do when that happens, i walked down to center st. to catch the bus to dudley square and then walk to work.  i like the walk because it takes me by jamaica pond and then all the pretty houses, mansion-looking houses around there.  it's a very pretty, peaceful walk speacially in the fall.  the winter... not so good, but not bad either.  as i walked down the jamaicaway i noticed a group of people part of what appeared to be a street cleaning crew.  as i walked past i noticed it was a van from the juvenile court or something similar.  so the group was doing community service as part of the court justice system.  i walked by and noticed that most of the members were young people; mostly black and possibly some latino--i didn't stop to question or anything.  what struck me as very ironic was the fact of where they were being brought to do their community service.  the jamaica pond area.  and not even the pond, but the area across the pond. they were cleaning the sidewalks and mid-street planters right by the big, pretty houses.  to me that was just idiotic.  if society wants to teach these kids a lesson; wants them to pay for whatever they did; allow them to reflect on what they have done and how that impacts their community... why bring them to affluent areas where i'm sure they do not live?

what is the point of community service? to give back to the community/society you have violated?  to be shamed into not doing it again because the consequences are you being publicly exposed while picking up garbage?  to have to pay up through forced service? i don't really know but why bring those kids to clean up for the "rich" people that live across from one of the most beautiful sites in the city.  people who live in those houses can afford to pay to clean their sidewalk? heck, they do!  i hardly see any garbage there. i don't have a problem with them.  i think pretty nice people live around there; so my beef it's not with them but with whoever decided to bring those kids there.  why not being them to a poor inner-city community that really needs some cleaning up?  why not let people that they probably know see them and shame them into not doing that again? why not show them the damage they cause to a community when they vandalize, get involved in gang activity, skip school to sit at a corner, or some other stereotypical stuff like that?  for some reason, i just thought that was very odd.  i don't know what really bother me about it but it just didn't make much sense.  it was just to ironic for me.

Happy New Year!

wow... it's 2011.  i have been thinking of Y2K the past a couple of days.  i remember i was coming from japan on december 23rd and supposed to leave for ecuador on December 28th.  i asked to delay my flight until about january 3rd in part to finish some paperwork and in part to avert any possible global catastrophe with the whole Y2K fiasco.  it's funny how most people do not remember the hype and scare of the time--people buying water like crazy and preparing ofr Armageddon.   :)

anyway, that's not what i wanted to focus on.  it's the new year!  i had a good NYE's celebration with friends and at church.  one of my friends wanted to have a dinner party at her church but she doesn't really cook so she asked to do it together.  i brought the plates/silverware and cooked part of it; she provided her house, kitchen, food and cooked most of it actually.  i was impressed since at was prepared to have it be a she hosts and i'm the cook kinda of gig. however, contrary to previous practice she came through.  it was a pretty low-key gathering--only six of us.  afterward, the church service was great.  when the pastor said, go to your families and pray and wait for the year together it always feels a bit weird because my family is not there. technically, they were doing the same thing just at another place.  i ran to the Naranjos since they're one of my adopted family folk.  they're a so cute! i just love those people. the funny thing is that as i stood with them my friend Euni came over to tell me that they were looking for me to stand with me--her mom, stepdad, husband and her.  i was touched that they thought of me.  it was so sweet. (thanks Eunie! i heart ya lots).  finally, it was all over and Saralicious drove me home. 

when i got home the NYE party for students was over and i helped clean up a bit. now as i sit on my bed, i'm pondering on this past year.  when i put it all on the balance, it was a good year.  God was faithful throughout the year and provided for my every need--well, most of them, some i'm still wondering why he's holding them back.  in any event, i'm very grateful for this year.  i worked hard and learned a lot professionally. i was taught great lessons in friendships and social dynamics--some pleasant, some not so pleasant.  i have developed new friendships and old ones have become a lot more relevant.  i've shared many joys with many people i love--friends, family, colleagues, strangers.  i hung out with my paternal siblings--meeting two of them for the first time.  i felt loved. i loved. i cried a lot, but i laughed a lot more. i was shown great lessons of faith and provision when i was 12hrs from being unemployed.  i embarked on a new adventure by moving out of my apartment to a japanese school where i live for free. he he...  i learned about my parent's lives and new aspects to their character.  i've seen many new flaws in my character and personality that i was not aware of; but have also noticed certain  positive changes in me as well. i have been blessed beyond measure and i feel like 2010 was a good year.  in fact, some could say even a great year.  as i look back i can't help but smile about it.  i can't help but think of how great 2011 will be.  i can't wait for the lessons to be learned and the changes to be had.  i don't have new year resolutions really but if i had one, it would be to love more those who love me, and to learn to show love to those who do not love me much.  i'm excited for what 2011 holds for me.  i praise you God for your goodness and for the fact that i get to rejoice at this time! 

darn green line silence.... so embarassing

so this morning i'm waiting for the green line at reservoir wondering if my gorgeous israeli fellow T commuter is round.  he apparently went somewhere on vacation because i haven't seen him all week. i also couldn't smell is intoxicating strong Joop cologne anywhere so he's definitely not around.  i'll talk about him later if i remember.

anyway, back to my original point.  i didn't have dinner last night. nor did i have breakfast before leaving--darn cafeteria holiday schedule. it's all good, i thought, because i'm having breakfast at the office.  the it started.  as i stood next to the dignified-looking, financial district fellow wit the WSJ, my stomach started its own version of the Boston Pops. how embarrassing.  to make matters worse, everyone was so darn quiet!  it's like the cold had frozen everyone and they just wanted to make air space for the sounds emanating from my mid-section.  i was mortified.  as soon as i heard the minimal squeak i would stomp my foot slightly, pretending to shake the snow off my boots; or i would "sumirme" by holding my breath in hopes that it would go away. i wanted to die.  it's like i was farting in public or something!  why? why me?  i put my little Jane Austen book down because i couldn't concentrate on Emma and Mr. Knightley's conversation.  i just wanted a whole lot of noise to take over that platform.  finally, after a minor delay, the train came and the world came to life.  i was free to let my stomach growl as much as it wanted. 

Ah Christmas...

after much deliberation, i decided to head to my familia for Christmas.  my mom asked a number of times and so i decided to head over and spend some quality time with grams, mom, bro and sis--or so i thought.  my brother picked me up and as we drove i found out that his girlfriend was coming over too.  i don't dislike the girl but she gets on my nerves.  i think she's very clingy and needy.  my brother travels for work most of the time and gets back on fridays usually.  the chick is at my mom's house even before he gets there.  she then sees him on saturday and then most likey on sunday--it seems.  so he has no time to really catch up with family and such.  for the Christmas holiday she came to my house on friday nigh, then he went to her house on saturday, and on sunday, they had planned to watch a movie but because of the snow storm they cancelled, i think.  she seems to call every time i'm with him, which is not often.  apparently he wants me to bond with her but i'm just not feeling it.  then whenever i see her at my mom's house she's in his room and what the heck am i going to be in there watching my younger brother slobber over someone's face.  ok, maybe not that bad...

sorry, i went off a tangent there.  so dinner.  it was fun.  we ate a simple meal and laughed most of it off with my grandmother and her stories.  actually, stories of how all of us--my mom included--have prank called her in English and she seems to just fall each and every time.  poor thing. she's turning 80 this year but still, she's a bit slow in that sense.  i bought some gifts for my mama, mami, bro, sis.. and the clingy girlfriend--sorry. :) she got me cupcakes so i shouldn't dub her as clingy.  however, all i wanted for Christmas were earmuff, which i didn't get.  nor did i get any other present from my family. so much for the spirit of the season.... ha ha

we rented some movies to watch and my younger sister crashed our family gathering with her boyfriend and his brother and his brother's wife.  quite the scene... three couples and I watching grown-ups. my sister's boyfriend is quite handsome but the kid is nuts.  i think we laughed so hard with the movie not because it was funny but because he has this "mad-scientist-deranged-jealous-wife-about-to-give-birth laugh of sorts that just makes you want to bring him to america's funniest home videos.  hilarious. his brother's wife, it turns out, worked with me all of last year.  she was on staff for the organization that provided the curriculum for my program. she was so chatty; she would not stop talking.  maybe she was nervous.  they would not leave.  after the movie was over my dorky brother started fiddling with the jenga game y pa' que fue eso, they started playing too! after saying goodbye and with their coats on!! finally i went into my brother's room to see if they would get the hint but that didn't even make a dent. nananina.

the rest of the time there i spent watching movies. i watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latinfah two times, "The Kids are All Right" we watched together with my mom.  that was interesting.  the movie has a number of sex scenes with clearly naked people.  my mom was giggly at one point. her mouth was wide open at one point when Julianne Moore and the other lady were doing their thing as a lesbian couple.  it was an interesting movie to watch but i don't think i liked it. Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, was just yummy.  he's the reason i rented it.  after Johnny Depp his my 2nd favorite actor. i like the roles he chooses. they're usually such a space-cadet-looking but really unconventionally-smart-sexy characters.  sorry, i digress again. 

anyway, sunday night in the middle of the blizzard--which i found out about from a facebook status about an hour prior--my brother drove me home.  you could hardly see anyone while on the highway. it was kinda fun, although too slow.    when i got home i slept and have been doing so most today too.  love me some snow days! :)

p.s. i'm still looking for earmuffs so hopefully tomorrow i can procure me some furry ear-friends to sport in the snow.

darn gum... darn gum!!!!

really, how do you tell a 45+ year old woman that she sounds like a cow when she chews gum?  how does one tell her that it is not proper office etiquette when i can hear her chew her gum two cubicles over?  how!?! hoooow!  loud chewing in the wrong context is just so wrong to me and it's probably the thing that gets me angry automatically.  but i guess this is one of those moments to exercise love, compassion, mercy, etc. and stay shut as my colleague seems to have an unlimited supply of gum to make her mouth happy. she has been chewing for like the past two weeks straight, even at a training with an outside vendor--granted, everyone had piece after lunch, but she kept hers for like the whole darn afternoon.   arggg!!! it's driving me crazy.   really, it doesn't appear to you that that's not proper office etiquette when everyone else is not doing it. maybe all the noise coming from her open mouth is not allowing her to notice others around her.  i know i just need to suck it up and just let it be but i have to say something, somewhere.   if only i could use some duck tape...

random encounters...

on Monday i was on my way to work earlier than usual because we had a week-long training with  a team from UPenn. they came to teach us how to train others in our program curriculum which they developed.  anyway, i called a cab to come pick me up since it was to early to take our shuttle.  as i got in the cab i told the driver where to go and he took a longer route than usual so i asked if he could please go down another street since i was in a hurry.  as i sat there i started to listen to the song he was playing and i felt so touched by it.  it was in gospel song in French.  it was titled "Perseverez".

here's the video:



in my Crown discipleship i had learned on Sunday that our deeds will be judged and recompensed depending on our intentions. i told the cabbie that and that this would be one of those things; where he lifted my spirit and gave me hope at the beginning of a very tough week. he blessed me without knowing me and/or intending to just by choosing that song to praise God in his cab.

we started talking and Frantz--that's his name--told me about his life and how he plays worship music in the cab and some people like it, others don't, etc. i told him what i did and gave him my card. he gave me his and said he would email me to send me the contact information. it was a great moment. he gave me an indirect word of encouragement and i gave him words of encouragement. God works in a amazing ways. he emailed me the information and i responded. i was really grateful for God's faithfulness and his reminder that he has not forgotten me. :) he knew i needed something to start that week where i would be facing a number of difficult decisions and lots of things to do as a result. i have been feeling pretty alone lately and God has been faithful to send me all these reminders that he's got my back. i just feel that in the midst of my daily chaos He's there, standing firm. i feel reassured even if i do my best to mess everything up. my encounter with Frantz just filled me with faith in people and in me. it also confirmed once again that my Father loves me and knows how to deal with me and when i need it. il n'a pas dit que sera facile...

I think it's hard when you go through periods in life where disappointment just takes over you and a number of events in your life are filtered through it.  I guess it has to do with you level of happiness or satisfaction at any given point but sometimes it's just like a virus that takes over an doesn't let you know.  today I was a bit disappointed with the people I work with at a meeting we had.  Obviously, I am not the best manager in the world nor I am in the position I have because I’m fully qualified but because I happen to be there and fit the role.  That’s problem number one, regardless of what other people say I do not feel that that is my legitimate place.  I think they just needed a warm body there at a particular time and I was readily available to say yes.  Given that, I probably reflect a number of insecurities which not even I can perceive fully.

Anyway, at the meeting--a website brainstorming meeting--someone made a suggestion to include something like Focus on the Family does to which I responded, "Well, we can use that because it's religious."  It must have been the way I said and/or something else but that set off a mood that I thought was rather offensive and frustrating.  my assessments is that I am not very accepting of opinions and when I ask for suggestions I never take them into account, "go back to your desk and scratch them," was the line.  I thought that was hurtful.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I am angry and feel very much unappreciated.   I have no direction in the program and have a number of roles that require a lot for one person. You can’t really design a program and implement it all at the same time; which is what I have to do in a way.  I’m not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I lack but if someone is going to make fun of me because I’m left ot make decisions that maybe I should not be making then I don’t appreciate it.  It’s just not fair.   I try to support the team as much as I can and forget many of the things that they do not do by remembering the thing that they do do.  It’s  just pushed my buttons to not have someone say things directly, even after I ask for feedback, but yet create a reputation for someone and not affording one the benefit of knowing. If it were just isolated comments, it wouldn’t matter but I know it isn’t. I know it’s not isolated and I know it has some consequence.  

It doesn’t help that I feel my time has come to move to other professional projects.  I do not want to stay here any longer. I am here because I feel that this is where God is calling me to be but if it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  I can see how I am called to be here and how everything in life (past, present, future) seems to point to me staying here, but then I wonder, does God always puts you through misery to teach you whatever? Is there not joy in following his Will? I experienced that when I was starting to work here but now, I don’t think that’s the case.  When we do I know that God is calling me to bear with it, and not telling me to move on but I’m not doing so out of fear?  I don’t know. I guess this is the process to find out. Hopefully the answer it’s already on its way and I just have to wait a bit longer. 

me and my big mouth...

someone in my office has this Chinese character on her neck:

obviously, I saw it and asked what it meant. she said it meant love. when she said that I knew I was in trouble. To me, it didn't look like "love". According to three dictionaries I just checked (two japanese and one chinese) it means wolf or severe/cruel. what am I going to do? I can't tell her; specially after she mentioned how she came up with the design for it. why do I open my mouth? why?

if John would listen a bit better, he would know that the only reason why he can stand and ask all those questions is because he is loved. i can so relate to this song and the underlying struggle that happens as you try to seek God. this is just a great piece.

by the way, he looks infinitely sexier singing about what matters. sigh.. oh, Legend how i drool for thee.