waiting

In the past couple of weeks, I have been taught amazing lessons about leadership and personal growth. I have been going through a conflict with a member of a group that I’m part of. I’ll call this person Leila. It is amazing how God works and how finite our understanding as human beings is. Leila is set on being the leader of a group whose leadership team does not feel comfortable with her as part of it. Leila has very above-average emotional needs and handles rejection in a way that I have hardly encountered before. Given that Leila has not been able to freely exercise a leadership style that at one point was very oppressive for the rest of the team, she now has used very political and in my opinion, manipulative means to reach her goal. Everybody agrees with it; even our senior leader. However, Leila does not budge, even when endangering the health of younger members of our spiritual community. This is where things change. Because this is a ministry and not a general run of mill group, we all have to keep our tendencies in check and exercise compassion, mercy and understanding on a person that has given all signs not to deserve it. Pretty much what God has done for us all. I am finding it hard to do this because Leila does not seem to acknowledge the fact that she is forcing a process and forcing others to sacrifice because of her individual needs and selfishness. I have been truly humbled by this experience because it makes me wonder how many times I may have been in the same position and so blinded by my own personal needs that I do not see the negative effect I have on others. I have also had to face my limitations in terms of character. I want to be a good friend and sister in Christ for Leila but I find it really hard to do so when at every juncture I see something selfish coming from her. I also see how she is emotionally unbalanced and probably a bit mentally inclined to be obsessive compulsive in a clinical way. In the end, I am also very disappointed in her. I feel like an idiot for not having better judgment regarding possible pitfalls with her.

Now, in terms of God, I totally have been able to grasp even better the way His love envelops us. I have been Leila so many times, I feel. Even when trying to sacrifice for others I have been a Leila. God showers us with mercy and compassion when we least deserve it. He walks us through our neurosis and borderline insanity with a guiding, gentle hand. I have learned the value of waiting; waiting in God and what He has for us. One of the main issues with my friend Leila is that she is not able to wait. She pushes her way through and is not physically able to wait. The more I live, the better I learn the lessons on waiting. We have to wait for God’s timing. We have to wait for others to be ready regardless of our perspective on whether what we offer is good or bad. We have to wait so that time tests our intentions. We have to wait to learn more about ourselves within a particular context. We just have to wait. Not that waiting has be to confused with inactivity, on the contrary, we wait while moving towards better understanding; we wait as we target our efforts towards clarify and wisdom. We wait so that we unearth the perfect will of God for a particular situation. As our senior leader said when speaking of Leila, you cannot force someone who has such low emotional reserves to face a reality that would sink them even deeper. Thus, I also have to wait. I have to wait and see what God will do regarding unfairness and selfishness. I have to wait for healing and possibly rebuilding a friendship. I have to wait for my leadership skills to be tested. Will I or will I not be able to surpass this obstacle and reach a better outcome? I have to wait and see how someone, hopefully, can turn around admit her mistakes and consequences thereof; and be a better servant in the Kingdom of God. I have to wait so that God reveals to me the many ways in which I have failed in this situation. I have to wait for a better day for to those in Him all things are beneficial. I have to wait for a true promise to come to fruition as it has time and time before.