the more, the less

sigh... the more i learn about God, the more i realize how great my need for him is and how sinful my nature is. his mercy is truly a gift. there is nothing that one can do to earn that; or deserve it. i am humbled by the fact that God has such as tender heart for us that can forgive our shortcomings, our straight out sin and evil nature.  i am happy that God is that way. if it were different then i'd definitely be doomed.   sometimes is hard to understanding how such a perfect God can love and care for people like us.  we choose to do everything that is contrary to what He tells us is good for us.  we break our own hearts, dirty our own hands, poison our own minds.   if God were an ounce less merciful, we'd really be in trouble.  luckily, we have a promise, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  [john 1:9]  i am really grateful for that promise.

the question of sin is so crazy.  but what's even more crazy is how that regardless of us wanting to engage in it or not, it is still so palpable. we inadvertently fall into its trap.  i was talking to someone once about the fact that things from the world that we choose freely become such a trap and eventually they become a prison.  for those of us with a very independent mindset, submitting to the will of God in order to find freedom is very paradoxical.  but, it is true!  our ability to decide at will and choose our ways can lead to this entrapment that the world presents to us.  focusing on our jobs, our relationships, our money, our status, our noble causes, our dreams, our failures, our lives... can really become so entangling that you end up running the proverbial hamster race with nothing else of substance to validate our efforts.  however, focusing on the will of God allows us freedom and security.  it provides long term returns and safety to experience life at its fullest--without a real care in the world, rather our care focused on the Father.  that's why to me, it is so valuable to know that God is always there.  regardless of my sin, my failures and my never measuring up, He is there.  even when i doubt, he's there.  when i feel like i'm worth nothing, he is there.  when i shatter to pieces, he is there to pick me up.  when i'm overjoyed, he is there to share with me. when i'm hopeful, he is there to show me why i should.  he is there, and he only knows of the present.  he only knows of the now.

i'm grateful for that God that loves me.  i am longing to truly love him back in my thoughts, my heart, my mind, my soul, all my being.  it is hard stuff but i'm sure that he knows my heart and knows me desire. it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be unable to truly show the person you love the most, indeed how much you love them. fortunately, he knows our hearts better than we know ourselves.  the good thing is that he always shows his love for me clearly.  i don't have to second guess that side of the equation.  amidst my struggles and failures, the wonderful promise of his faithfulness carries me on.  regardless of where i fall, he will pick me up.  of that, i am sure.