Aruba.... day 1

so... Bianni and I got to Aruba late this evening--barely. in Atlanta, we started walking around the food court trying to decide what to eat and make it to the gate about 5 minutes before departure. we were so close to the gate that we thought we'd hear when they were calling people to board. the nice Delta crew yelled at us and finally we made it onto the place. i kept being afraid every time the plane took a dip and he kept making fun of me. not a very nice travel buddy when one is scared. we got to the airport. it's a nice, clean airport in Oranjestad. we went to the car rental place and the lady there was not too friendly. then she said she was Dominican too but had been in Aruba for 15+ years. she was very nice at the end and I asked her if she knew of a church to which she said yes and told me where her church was since she's herself an evangelical christian. we got a tiny car, completely different from what we had reserved. anyway, it was fun to drive to the hotel. i drove. roads in Aruba are very clear and signaling is quite easy to follow. we had a bit of a hard time finding hotel without a clear map, but we got there eventually. the hotel was ok. nothing out of this world but comfortable and clean. there's a good pool but we're not on the beach. after settling in, we headed out. Chino Latino's fusion food sucks. please do not go there. the music was Ok. nothing to die for though. the crowd was interesting. i mix of tourist and locals.

there was this guy that looked kinda sad the whole time--i think he was just trying to be sexy. :D after i saw him smile and dance a bit i told him that i was glad to see him do so because all night he looked like he wasn't enjoying himself. he laughed.

we walked back to our hotel and had a super crappy sandwich that they sold there. tomorrow, there's no way that we're not going to the supermarket. we have a kitchen in our room for peter's sake. there's not need to eat moldy bread.

it was a good first day in Aruba. i'm looking forward to the rest of the trip. day 2 is coming later...

clean bill of health & absentminded male nurse

i went for a complete physical today. it was the quickest physical ever. my goodness. i felt like i was being interrogated by a KGB agent or something--my doc is Russian. my cholesterol is "perfect" she said. everything is pretty much good except for the fact that i need to lose weight. i need to get on it.

prior to meeting with the doc i was weighed, measured and ushered into the examination room by a nurse or medical assistant of sorts. his name was Addil or something like that. it is the first time i have a male nurse at the doc's office. usually they are all females. he was funny. when he came to get me i was in the middle of a text so i apologized for texting and walking but i had to finish it. as he weighed me i was texting. then when he went to measure my height he hit my head with the little measuring bar. it was really funny. he then asked all the routine questions including, "when was your last menstrual period, with an specific date please?" and "if you are sexually active, is your partner usually male or female?" he clarified that he has to ask these questions to everyone. i guess my facial expression was like, "uh?" he took my blood pressure and it was low, so he asked, is it usually like that? to which i answered no. he left the room and said nothing else. then came back to tell me to change in to a Johnnie and that he had forgotten. :D

after the examination i was instructed to go back to the front desk by the doc. he was there. i gave him the paperwork and a tube. he was to take the little glass container and put a label on it--from the ones on the sheet of paper--and send me on my way to the lab for blood work. he took the tube and sent me on my way. as i was going down the stairs he came running asking for one of the labels on the sheet, which he had forgotten. i don't know if it was his first day or he was distracted, but i'm glad he's a medical office assistant and not a surgeon or other possibly lethal role in that building that can really mess things up. he was funny and nice but i don't know that i want him--and his forgetfulness--to take care of me anytime soon. :D

white sand beaches, papiamento, butterfly farm... here i come!

i am going to Aruba this weekend for my friend/ex-housemate's wedding. can't wait to explore that island. i am really looking forward to being there for the wedding as well as taking a break--albeit short--to relax and reflect. i am hoping to do nothing expect enjoy the beach and decompress. my friend Bianni is coming with me and i'm really hoping that he won't want to do everything under the sun in a mere two days. it's funny how the prospect of an escape can really alter your mood and reality. it's all i can think of. in any case.

i am missing a couple of things this weekend but it's all worth it. i will be in Aruba! hello me? i am thinking that i should have taken a longer vacation rather than 5 days but it'll be all good. a weekend is good enough, no? i just need some time to think and ponder life's biggest questions as i sip a piñita coladita looking at the clear aquamarine waters of the beautiful beaches in Aruba. i'm totally ♥ing it already. :D

on another note, i was reading up a bit on demonology. don't know why i was drawn to the topic--that's how bad my procrastination is. it is quite intriguing and scary at the same time. we know so little about these forces that pretty influence our whole existence on an everyday basis. on the other hand, i feel so relieved that i have nothing to fear against these beings because i am completely cover and cleansed by the blood of Jesus. not to say that i shouldn't acknowledge what they are and their power but i also know that He who is in me has overcome all of them together once and for all. that sense of relief and protection is the best feeling ever. knowing that i do not have to worry and that God cares for me and my well being enough to protect me is amazing. i feel so blessed and love right now. it is funny how a bit of curiosity can take a person thru so many different emotions in a span of a half hour.

¡no hay cosa más engañosa que el corazón!

i love it. so the old friend that i was confused about--whether i liked him or not--is no longer an issue. i don't know why but ever since i was commanded with the task for finding him a girlfriend i no longer feel drawn towards him. maybe because i realized that most of the time he was spending and stuff he was doing while i was visiting NY were not directed to me but to the female friend i was with. how awesome is that? it sounds a bit weird and lame that i am rejoicing that he didn't really care about me but it is quite liberating. i guess i know have no reason to like him or be confused. i am free!

some things i learned today...

-it is easy to oversleep when one goes to bed very late the night before;

-apricot danish at Mariposa Bakery is totally delicious;

- planning a trip to India takes a lot of work;

- having a friend who plans the trip to India is pretty awesome;

-the map/travel store in Harvard Square doesn't have a very visible Caribbean section;

-Berk's shoe store doesn't have as many cool shoes as it used to;

- a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning is perfect breeding ground for clumsy Harvard tourists;

-some women should not wear certain dresses;

-Ito En pear white green tea is pretty good;

-the Japonaise bakery in Porter Sq. now has ice cream?! coconut ice cream??!!;

-the word subungual, and how not to tell it to an Emergency Room operator;

-never, ever, leave your house in a hurry and try to strap your sandals while sitting on an old porch that's prone to give you a kickass subungual splinter;

-Facebook friends can give you pretty good advice on removing splinters;

-this hurts:

-splitting your nail with scissors and then removing a piece of old wood with needle & tweezers is not as cool when you're doing it as when you're blogging about it;

-watermelon can be a good pretend-anesthesia; AND

- i finger with splinter-free nail is a happy finger. :D

日本！日本！日本！

i just booked a flight to Japan! yeeepeeeee! i am so excited. i will be there for the Thanksgiving break. i have not been there in 10 years and i'm really looking forward to it. let the good trip-planning times begin. :D 本当に楽しみにしています。でも、行く前にすごい練習しなきゃ。頑張ります！

it's funny to run into someone from your recent past and be in a somewhat uncomfortable situation. i went to a friend's house and ran into my old make-out buddy. he is too funny and weird, and cute. had this been a different time... i love those kinds of moments where in a second you're like, "shoot, can i just run?" given that my life is at a completely different place, him being there reminded me of moments that i now look back at and wonder if i'd change them if i could. as we talked, his playfulness with my pointy shoe and knee was just so endearing in a way. there he was, telling me about how he's into bunging jumping + other extreme sports. i love his summer freckles. life has an interesting way of reminding you of things. at the end as he was leaving he asked, "so you're not back until the 28th, uh? que pena." i'm going to Aruba for next week.

i want to buy a house somewhere so that i can--in no particular order of importance...

+ have a kickass flower-veggie garden to plant in Spring & Summer

+ build a (handmade) barbacoa pit and clay pizza oven in the backyard

+ walk around naked whenever i want

+ invite people over for dinner parties without major scheduling planning

+ paint the walls with crazy colors

+ have a super-sweet laundry room where i can dump stuff instead of my room

+ finally buy the platform bed i want without worrying about having to move

and the pain it would be to move it

+ not do the dishes for weeks without having to worry about it--not that i do now, anyway

+ have french doors in my room--provided that it can withstand remodeling for it

+ have planters by the windwos and herbs by the sink window to use in cooking

+ go crazy baking stuff all the time without worrying about my roommates paying for gas

+ have a sense of freedom to do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. :D

los por ques de hoy

it's weird when you want someone to give you their undivided attention but they don't. when you want them so have eyes just for you but they don't. when you crave for them their every thought to be linked to you. when you feel jealous if they seem to gravitate towards someone or something else. when you want them to suffer because you know that when they are in pain they look for you. when you want them to genuinely be happy but in their heart there is always a space for happiness just with you. when they are your accomplice and they follow your instructions to the t even if they don't know it. when they long for you and let you know of it without words. it is weird when you don't have any words that give you any of that which you most crave from one particular being on this earth. even when you know that you don't want to, nor would consider being in a relationship with them, you're still selfish enough to want to have them next to you wanting to convince you otherwise.

i hate facing the fact that i may not be such a nice person as i would like to think. that i have really murky feelings that center completely around me and are pretty mean/evil in nature. why make someone love you--as if i could--or better said, why have the desire of someone to love you when you may never, never allow yourself to truly love them back. why want to drag someone into a never-ending battle when you know that at the end, their efforts will not lead to victory? i confuse myself. i want to have control of those not-so-clear feelings and can't. it is very disempowering. why? why is that? why is it so complicated--or i make it so? why am i so burden by this? why can't i just let it go? why do i have this obsession? i have no idea, but i wish i could. that way i'd know the source of it and hopefully be able to kill it once and for all. sigh.

friend crush

after a long interpretation this Sunday at church--we had a guest preacher that really was all over the place--i went with my friend Ivette for food in JP. i was craving Dominican style crab meat with tostones. unfortunately, i couldn't find any. we decided on some Cuban food at this mediocre joint in JP. as we walked in we ran into one of the guys from church. he is a quiet-looking guy who is part of the young adults group. we sat with him as he finished his food and stayed there for almost an hour? not sure. we laughed a lot. i think i have a friend-crush on him. like the equivalent of a man-crush but for a girl. i am not talking about a romantic crush but more the likes of a guy friend kinda of crush. i think he would be a great guy to have as a friend. he is really cool. he isn't pretentious and very humble in his ways it seems. he is also funny and seems pretty balanced when it comes to his ego. i feel like asking him out for some activity or something but the thought feels weird. i've never asked a guy out on a play date.

why is it that adults can't be like when we were little kids? when you were able to just ask people to be your friends; when harassing your peers a little wasn't abnormal--harass as in wanting to play with them and having your intentions/feelings clearly displayed without having to be cool. sometimes i wish i were like that still. when i had the freedom to do that. although i don't really recall ever being too clingy. if i remember correctly, i think i have mostly been this way since i can remember.

i really shouldn't drive when i'm tired

i left work probably about a 1/2hr ago--yah, i know, lame, specially on a friday night. anyway, on my way i was just a really, really horrible driver. i was trying to find my cell phone to call a restaurant near my house for takeout. that was slowing me down. then i finally zoomed thru the tunnel and sped off to my exit like no one else was around. i proceeded to cut some people off while attempting to make a light that I knew was going to be red by the time i got there. i slammed on my breaks. luckily, i drive a stick shift so it is a lot easier--and less noisy--to break frantically. i then proceeded to pull the clutch too quickly and the car turned off. no worries. i sped off and took a shortcut to get to the restaurant on time. the shortcut was a one way street in which i was driving the opposite way after i cut off a cabbie that was patiently waiting for the light go change--go figure. i realized my dumbness and proceeded to try a three-point turn. this was a very narrow street and other cars where coming so backing out of someone's driveway surrounded by big vehicles was not as easy as i thought it would be. in my attempt the car turned off again; clutch out too soon. finally i took the right street to get to the takeout place and as i approached the corner where this joint is i realized that there is a parking spot at the very corner of the intersection where the restaurant it. my mind proceeds to think that i can reverse with traffic behind me and basically take an inverse L turn to get the precious parking space--like many others around me. so finally i realize that half the world hates me and i decided to keep going and then do a Uie. finally i park about four parking spots pass the restaurant, on the opposite side. go in. get my pupusas and leave. on my way back i dutifully make my stop at a stop sign but start going a bit slow so other people think i'm letting them go but i'm not--so i probably looked like an idiot if they were nice; or a bitch if having a bad day. finally i make it home but not until the car technically turns off again because i took the clutch out before putting it in neutral. is that a crazy commute back home or what?

civic duty

so i had jury duty today. i was assigned to go to Lowell's juvie court for it, check this, AT 8AM! what the heck. who plans these schedules? needless to say i forgot to borrow the GPS navigator from my office so i got lost on my way there--just a little bit. then i found myself at the intersection where i needed to be, so technically i wasn't lost, really. when i got there, it had been cancelled. the security guard suggested that i go to district court to get credit for it. getting credit for it meant me staying there. i thought it would be an in & out thing. i stayed thru the whole process. sat in the empanelment group for a civil case but luckily didn't get picked. then we were all let go. there was this somewhat cute asian guy that i felt kept looking my way. he was funny. after the empanelment i changed seats--i was sitting between this old white guy and the asian guy--to move towards a window. he got up, walked towards me and leaned a bit... to look out the window. it was a bit random. :)

prior to the empanelment they gave us a little brake to get coffee and stuff. i had parked at a meter and it had expired. i got a $20 ticket. that sucks. i was on jury duty, for Pete's sake! AND the ticket was timed for 9:25am but when i got there it was just 9:22! that meter person was a total punk.

anyway, i didn't get to seen any juicy criminal action but i least i don't have to go for at least three years. it was my very first jury duty appearance. i'm glad i was able to do and fulfill my duty but it's not that hot.

flight

from time to time i get a very pressing feeling that i want to go away. i feel like i want to go somewhere where i can reinvent myself and just be what i always have wanted to be but couldn't. it is weird but i just want to run, run far. at this point many of the things around kinda burden me more than fulfill me. it's weird that even my family doesn't bring that sense of connectedness that i feel i need to find. the only truly thing that is constant is God. i feel that He is the only anchor in my life and that all things lead His way but along that way i feel a bit bruised. i don't know.

it's time to renew my lease and start setting plans for the next year. i don't want to do it. but then, i need a place to live. i also can't stop thinking of my relationship with this particular individual of the opposite sex that is pretty much confusing the heck out of me. it's hard when one can't control feelings that spur out of nowhere. wth? i don't get it. that's another nightmare. i just want to be free and live life as i feel i'm intended to. why can't i do that? why can't i be a simpler person? why do i have to complicate everything with irrelevant feelings? why???!!!!!

on another note, Gwendy and i went to a brazilian restaurant today and the food was pretty good. then we went to the christian science park and had a little drink-nic by the fountain. it sounds kinda horrible but we were having some--really good, by the way--Guatemalan rum. i felt like we were such alchies. it rained a bit but not enough to make a difference. this is the second time we go to that park to drink. last time during a warm-ish winter night with Prosecco, and now it was a nice summer evening with Guatemalan rum, and at a church. this has to be wrong in someone's book. :D

lazy saturday

i'm home doing nothing. watching tv on my bed and being a total bum. this feels so good. gosh! it has been a while since i have done this. however, i can't really enjoy it because i feel guilty. i have so many things to do. it's not even funny.

i was up until about 2am last night. after talking to a friend on the phone i went to bed and woke up at around 9am when another friend texted me. what the heck? it's Saturday! why do people text before 9am? nah, just kidding. anyway, the friend i was speaking with last night is the same one that caused all my confusion after the 7/4 weekend. last night, however, i guess that i didn't feel as confused. now i am though. we were talking about his "game" and how he needs to start asking people out and stuff. after being married for a while he has lost practice, he says. it didn't bother me to hear that so what does that mean? that i no longer care? but then i really don't care about people who are not connected to him--like the girl asking him out at the store--but i do about people who are in his life. i don't get it. why am i so confused about this? i have to sort things out.

Worcester on a Sunday morning.

I just came back from Wos-tah from an event sponsored by a local church. they invited to go promote my program. while at the park where the event was taking place, and right next to the children's play area, i stumbled upon a used 'heroin(?)' needle. what a sad sight that was for me. but also a reminder of why that event was taking place and the need that the city has for God to touch its people and free them. a number of homeless folk came to the table and wrote down their names along with prayer requests. under the colunm labeled 'address' most of them left it blank and some put shelter, others put 'casa'. what a vivid reminder of how gracious God has been with me and so blessed i am to have a place to take refuge whenever i want. wow. the Spirit can really speak to you in a variety of ways. hopefully i will be able to listen and see what He is trying to tell me more and more.

"L"is for the way you look at me...

Just came back from Erin and Darwin's wedding. It was such a nice ceremony and reception. Not way fun reception because it was a bit long but a really, really nice one. I fell in love with the carp and the lanterns hanging from it. The venue was her parents back yard. It reminded my weddings are such a great thing after all. Love is in the air and people are just happy. The couple dances and kisses. It is just so cool. I hope to have a small, simple, elegant wedding as they did one day. I'm in the mood for love.

They played this song at the wedding and I was just so happy to hear it. The also played "What a wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. I can go to bed now with a fuzzy feeling. :D

Jasiel, sigues intacta en la fibra de mi alma; como un verso que al leerse se renueva. Ahí estás, Jasiel, en lo eterno cada vez que escucho a Pedro Guerra; cada vez que observo en una mapa donde este Vermont o Japón o República Dominicana. Sintiéndote cerca te he extrañado tanto. Sería imposible olvidar a alguien a quien tanto debo. Comida, chistes, anécdotas y el abrazo cálido de una latina en los montes verdes e impetuosos. (2003)

This is the excerpt from one of the best letters I have ever received in my life. My friend José, a poet and amazing soul, sent me this letter from Puerto Rico after we spent a summer in Vermont studying Japanese in a immersion program. It was a hard summer for him and adapting to the very distant way of the US for a person coming from a Caribbean island for the first time--to VT of all places--was tough. I was happy to meet him there and to afterwards have him write me some of the great letters I keep as mementos for posterity. I read it maybe every two years. It is a source of inspiration and courage. It is funny how things like a letter can become such a powerful tool. I am sure he didn't think it would be that way when he was writing it. Life is funny that way.

bachata and wine night

so i'm still not happy to with my little confusion. it seems as if my life is a bit of a mess now but it doesn't really feel that way. i have decided to ignore FB pictures when they come up (just decided though). it is not healthy to keep looking at things that make me feel weird. yes, weird. what else would you call when you feel jealousy towards someone you don't know for someone you have no romantic connection with for no apparent reason; just because someone seems to be having fun without me? i don't know. it sounds weird to me. the best thing is that i really have not felt this before. i didn't even feel this when he was getting married--he's no longer though, i'm not that sad. the uncomfortable thing about this is control. i thought everything was done and over with and now i have somewhat lost control over the situation. i mean i do have control, i guess. i could no longer talk to this person again and forget about the friendship i have with him. the other option is talking to this person to vent and get it out of my system. i know that i can never have a relationship with him so it's not like telling him would make a difference in terms of now.

on another topic i feel like my motivation is affected. not necessarily because of the aforementioned issue but just because. i need a break. a real break; not like my weekend in NYC which was somewhat draining; fun, but draining. yesterday at was trying to keep my hand still to see how my 'nervios' were and my hand pretty much never stopped. it was trembling--rather vigorously, i may add--and it was just sad. i am seeing some grey hairs too which were not there before. hmm... i think that this job i'm doing is definitely God's temporal call to my life, i just don't know that its rhythm is what He wants for me. i really don't. this is not healthy. i also have heart palpitations. i talk and do at 100 miles an hour and everything seems to be so fast that when something/someone slows down next to me i get annoyed. i want things quick and now. that's not normal, eh? i need a good vacation go next door to VT. i love VT. it would do me good. hopefully my car can make it there. today i had to call AAA to change my tire because the front right tire had a big nail in it. luckily the guy that came to change it was also able to fix the tire so i don't have to take it to the 'gomero' to get it fixed. God is good that way; providing me the change-and-fix-your-tire-right-then-and-there guy. he was Puerto Rican too and very latino-like in doing business--whatever that means. quite reassuring. :D

where do i get the right to be jealous? how does that happen? since when does someone get mad when she sees another person having fun even if it is not with her? i don't get it. don't they say that if you love someone you want what's best for them; for them to be happy? if so, then why am i not happy? why do i feel like i want that person to have fun with me? not with someone else. it is insane. totally insane. it is also selfish and i am not liking myself being selfish. what on earth?

too harsh

apparently i'm too harsh on myself. i guess i am but i am also not clear on what that means. a very dear friend of mine has told me that over the weekend and it's a challenge for me to see where having healthy, high standards for oneself end and unhealthy, perfectionism starts. hmm. maybe she's right, or maybe not.

hmm... what is love?

so.. i have been struggling with this lately and i'm not sure what it means. i recently met up with someone with whom i had a romantic relationship many years ago. we are now friends and have a pretty good--what feels genuine--friendship. however, after spending part of the weekend with this person, i guess that i'm not sure how i feel about our past history. he seems to pop up in my mind rather frequent lately and i couldn't help to wonder what my life would have been if we had developed our relationship into a serious relationship. i was never able to trust him and in fact to this day i feel that he had a girlfriend at that time and that i was only a fling of sorts. however, in his defense, i think some of his feelings were also true and so can't really judget him since i don't really know waht his situation was like. one thing is true, though; when i am with him i feel rather comfortable. i don't necessarily like him when i'm with him, but i definitely like him more when i'm away from him. maybe i just like what he represents rather than liking him (attention, care, etc.). the other day while driving home i was listening to a song by Rosario, Como quieres que te quiera?, and i found myself crying and thinking of him. no idea why. i think that some feelings are so hard to understand. i think i'm too complicated. why? i either should like the guy or i shouldn't. what's with all the drama? idk, idk.

wow...

it's been a while. can i possibly resume this?

Happy New Year! | Feliz Año Nuevo!

i can't believe that the year 2009 is already here.  this is crazy.  i have had such a great end to my year.  God has been extremely gracious to me and all i can do is start it with a smile because i could not have thought of anything better to do.  as i type this i cannot help but laugh. it is such an amazing feeling.   in any event, i want to wish everyone much joy and blessings this new year. this is a true testament that God's mercies have renewed for us once again and that, my friends, it's an marvelous thing. :D 

no puedo creer que el año 2009 ya esta aqui.  es medio loco pensar en como pasa el tiempo. este final de año ha sido tan maravilloso--no el ultimo dia en si, sino los meses del final.  Dios ha sido tan bueno y bondadoso conmigo este año y todo lo que puedo hacer es comenzarlo con una sonrisa porque no tengo nada mejor que hacer, nada mas que hacer.  mientras escribo estoy estoy riendome;  es un sentimento tan maravilloso y completo.  quiero desearles a todos mucho gozo y bendiciones este nuevo año.  esto es un testimonio de que las misericordias de Dios se han renovado nuevamente para nosotros y eso, mis amigos, es una cosa verdaderamente hermosa.  :D 

i wonder...

what would be the hardest? to lose a father that you were intimately connected with, or to lose one that you really never knew as a person? either way i guess it is painful. in my case it is the latter, i never knew my father as an individual. we never really had a relationship and i had always wanted to ask him a number of questions that puzzled me throughout the years. unfortunately, i cannot now. i found out that he passed away a while back. it was a really crappy way to find out too. i read a newspaper article where they mentioned that he was being honored at poetry reading in his home city. apparently he was a poet--i didn't know that. obviously that's where my love for poetry/literature comes from. it has taken a toll on me. i have cried a lot. i feel so hopeless. my mother will never be able to answer the questions i had for him; both because she probably doesn't know, and because in trying to protect herself, she uncontiously refuses to do so. it totally sucks.

today is also my brother's birthday so i can't call my anyone in my mother to tell her that my father's childhood friend confirmed that he died. i can't bring relatively bad news for her on a day when they probably are going to do something for my brother's birthday. this feels very lonely. my life has always been this way. i fend for myself when it comes to emotional needs and that's probably why i'm messed up in that department. i ugess all i can do is cry and let things take their course. there's so much in my head. my only hope for peace is God and i pray that He will know how to heal my heart.

what a day!

this morning as i was walking to the train station i happen to see a flock of ducks/geese flying in a perfect V formation.  i thought it was amazing how those birds have such a intricate way flying. if humans had to do that we probably would be trying to outrun each other and instead of Vs we would have a whole alphabet soup. anyway, so i was looking at them and thinking how God created all these things which a completely cool.  as i walk through the huge parking lot near the supermarket i realized that i should move towards the sidewalk if i was to continue not looking where I was going.  as i took a sharp left turn this guy behind me almost bumped into to me. then, check this out, as i tried to step onto the sidewalk i fell.  yes, i did. i freaking fell between two parked cars on the parking lot and the sidewalk step.  totally embarrassing. i don't' know if anyone was watching but totally embarrassing.   it hurt.  i fell on my knees and left hand.  so i dusted myself off and proceeded to semi-limp for a couple of steps.  when i got to work i checked out my knees and they were bleeding. completely sucks.    later during the day, i'm talking to my colleague and she bumps my knee with her foot. ouch.  

since it's the end of the semester i'm extremely busy and not looking to waste any time. there's a woman who wants to volunteer with us so after she showed up last night i asked her to come back today at 1pm to do some volunteer work.  i work for part of the morning setting things up for her and then she doesn't show up.  

my lunch from Foodies which is usually pretty yummy was not that good.  i worked all day on these certificates so at least that was more or less ok.  towards the end of my work day a volunteer i had  to "fire" showed up for an activity and with her hostile look asked where one of hte pastors was. i was like, "no way; not this, not now." luckily that was the end of that.  

i left work to go to Pier1 to buy some appreciation gifts for our volunteers and the girl packaging the stuff literally threw them into a bag like it was a nasty mother-in-law that she anted to stomp on.  so i paid,  fixed the bag, and left.  after Pier1 i went to the supermarket to get something for dinner. it is now about 9pm.  i go to the self-checkout lane and it is closed but there was a cashier open and she called me. :)  she scanned my stuff and told me the total. i was looking for my wallet.  i looked and looked and it wasn't there.  i told her to hold my order because i had left my wallet at Pier1.  she said yes.  i walked to Pier1 and they had my little purple wallet--which i love. i went back to the supermarket and now there was a different cashier but there was no problem with resuming my order after having to wait a bit in line. 

as i walked home trying to find out if my keys were in my purse so that i didn't have to walk all the way back, i dropped my CS Lewis book.  it was raining earlier so the ground was semi-wet. i sighed and said, "what a day!"  when i got home and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror i realized that i was missing an earring, which i did not take off during the day.  as i was cooking in the kitchen it fell off my scarf.  

i'm hoping that this is the end of it and nothing else happens. it wasn't such a dramatic day after all but the little annoying things i experienced made it quite, well, annoying.  my tomato, shrimp pasta was good, though.  at the end of it all i'm still happy.  this must be "that" joy that surpasses all understanding. :P 

humph

i'm tired. the climax of a really hectic time is approaching. i have to finish writing a grant report and really do not have any idea of what would even begin to discribe it. it is all my faul. i waited 'till the last minute. what the heck. this is so me. i should have called the foundation and ask some questions. i didn't write the grant proposal nor was i involved in the implementation of it. i came in in august so to write something for december it's a bit of a strech. most of stuff is also anecdotal so it's hard to just plug in numbers and get things done that way. it is not cool. but God is great and i know that it will be fine. just today we saw an amazing miracle. truly. we were short for our sponsorships for a fundraiser this year and ouf ED went to a meeting--reluctantly, mind you--and came out of it with a two grand sponsorship check; which not only covered what we needed but we are now stelar because the other fundraising parties are totally short. that was truly a miracle and there's no arguing with it. the guy wasn't even pursuing these people. he met them today at the meeting. sigh...total emotional roller coaster this week.

oh, oh, speaking of roller coasters, yesterday was a pain. one of the women here opened the database with all the ticket purchases for this gala we're involved in and filtered the information so that only a few tickets appeared. i had left the office early on tuesday and when i came yesterday the same woman tells me that there's something wrong with the database. i wanted to die. really, die I tell you. the IT guy looked things over and there was nothing wrong with the server, etc. after my initial shock that everything had been lost I went back to the document and realized that "something" looked different. after unfiltering things everything went back to normal and my weeks of hard work had not disappeared. it turns out and the same woman who kept saying that she hadn't done anything to it was the one that filtered it and forgot she had done so. i really do not understand how a person could forget that they changed a document and then ask "what happened?" i think it's a bit ridicoulous but that's ok. we're all human and mistakes are made. she was completely unsympathetic and/or concerned with the fact that i was going through hell while the IT guy looked for what was wrong. she apologized at the end for not going over and "helping" me figure out such an easy issues as that. I couldn't believe it. not for messing it up, pointing it out and then being completely defensive about it, but for not getting up from her desk and showing me how an idiot i am. really? but it's all good. i realized that she may not be as confident and admitting mistakes may take a great toll on her so i kinda feel bad for her and her inability to not take things so personal.

with all that junk said, i am so happy! sonia and i had a great conversation with Hno. Orange about his work when he was in Chile and how God has blessed him so dearly in everything. he is such a great man. i totally have a little crush on him even if he's sixty-plus. i just think he has an amazing story and i would totally love to be friends with a person like that. an older, wise person that can sit down to chat with someone that could be his son/daughter--or even a grandchild--and do so with no hint of prepotence or superioty but out of a genuine desire to share. people like that make you want to listen to them, learn from them, honor them and just amulate their example in life. such humble, sensitive and solid people are few and far between. that was great. :) and i'm totally in love but like family-love. please don't got around saying i'm into septuagenarians or about.

faith on the catwalk

i do not know why but i have spent part of my afternoon looking at pictures of the new "it-girl" in fashion,  super-model sensation Arlenis Sosa Peña.  geesh, her generic Dominican name does not do her justice. she is crazy beautiful, this girl.  i am so glad that she's Dominican and from what seems to be a not-so-uppity sector of society--sucker for underdogs here.  most importantly, however, is that she is a woman of faith (gasp!). it appears to be an oxymoron but the girl apparently likes to read the bible in-between photo sessions. how awesome is that?   i love her.  she seems pretty down-to-earth and just an overall bubbly, fun, borderline-naive girl from my lovely island--yes, it's all mine. :P 

Here's her pic in case you wanna check it out (try to guess why i chose this hair, ehem, head shot.. 

more pictures if you care... 

nov. 28th

today is my younger sister's birthday.  it's her 18th birthday, which she has been announcing for about a month. :D  i think is pretty funny when people do that.  my cousin carol used to do that too when we were younger and i could never bring myself to do the same. i thought it too needy.  i guess my views have changed.  i remember one year while in 6th or 7th grade where i forgot it was my birthday.  my family woke me up singing happy birthday, etc.--the little ritual my mom liked for all of us.  then i went to school and completely forgot about it.  :\ when i came home, Doña Blasina, the lady that cooked for us, said "Happy Birthday Miss."  i was furious... that meant i had forgotten my birthday and none of my friends at school got a chance to buy me anything because i didn't mention anything to begin with.  to top it all off, it was a friday (!) so i was not going to be able to mention it to the class until after 3 days had passed.  i missed a perfect opportunity for my friends to give me presents and/or shower me with attention that day.  since then, i have never forgotten my birthday again--at least not during the birthday and/or for the whole day. :)  

anyway, back to my sister.  i remember when we were expecting her to be born. my mom had had a number of miscarriages because of toxoplasmosis (from our old cat) and finally after a long treatment she was able to have my sister.  we didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl.  we were choosing which name to name her.  my mother really wanted her to have my great grandmother's name: Amelia. i think that's such a beautiful name now. Amelia by itself would probably have been more than enough. anyway, at that time i thought it would be cool to combine my name and my great grandmother's  and call  her jasmelia. but my little brother--6 years younger--as a good dominican said jamelia without the s and everybody thought it was great.  the little punk stole my idea and 'till this day swears that he came up with the name.   ok, ok... i'm digressing into something completely different.  so, the day she was born we were all anxiously awaiting what it was going to be. she's 12 years younger than me so i was old enough to remember things.  i remember that people would always ask if i wanted a brother or a sister, likewise to my brother.  my mom seemed to want a girl because my step-dad really wanted a girl--or so it appeared.  although he always has considered me his daughter it is only natural that he wanted to have a bond with his own daughter.  so after much anticipation, the day came. my mom gave birth through c-section so it was a scheduled delivery.  it was in the afternoon and i remember as my aunt, dad, brother--not 100% if he was there--and i were waiting in the dark hallway for the news.  i think the OR had a little blue and red light to the let people know whether it was a boy or a girl.  i'm not sure though; maybe i saw that in a movie or book.   we were all so happy. i was so happy; my aunt congratulated my dad.  it was fun. i remember that her nails were pretty long and she seemed to be hungry; at least that's what someone said. as she grew i remember telling her stories which she really liked.  my repertoire included Snow White, Cinderella, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, etc., as well as a plethora of made up stuff. i used to tickle her a lot too. i would also scold her many a times when she did something unkosher to which my dad would object and we would argue day and night about it.  i wonder how different my life would have been if i had stayed in DR. or how different my sister's temperament would be.  

she grew up pretty much alone with my parents.  my brother came to the US for high school at about 15 so she was 9 when she became an "only-child."  i always tell them that they brought her up as a grandchild more than a daughter.  but i guess that it's true what they say that parents are usually more lenient with the youngest child than the rest.  in any event many times i have considered her spoiled. but i have to say that probably compared to current standards she's just normal.    i think she's very smart, beautiful and with a sensitive heart.  i also think she has chosen to go the easy route and not challenge herself in any way.  sometimes i look at her and wish that i could make her see how much potential she has and the amazing things she could do if she only tried a bit or if she wanted to.  she could really do a lot if only she could see herself that way.  but i also understand that she is her own person and she has to choose what she feels it's best for her as well as deal with the consequences--positive or negative--of her present actions.  

this may seem like a sad post when i think of it but it is not.  i'm happy to have my sister and to how these great memories from the time of her birth to now.  i see her potential, her talents and look forward to the day when her life experiences will come together to shape the great woman she'll become.  i pray that in the meantime she is as the japanese say どんどんbecome aware of how much she is worth and start putting her value on things that are not destroyed by "ladron o polilla." i'm really looking forward to it. i'm also thankful to have her in my life because, probably unbeknownst to her, she has taught me a lot about myself, my expectations and the fact that each one of us truly has a responsibility to oneself.  well, first to God but then to oneself.  no one can force us or persuade us to be one way or another, it is our choice to be what we are.   i'm a working progress in this department but i truly hope to be able appreciate and learn to respect my sister's choices regardless of what i think they should.  i love her and that's pretty much what an older sister is for;  the other stuff is really inconsequential.  

new gig...

today i start my new job.  after 5 years working for the same employer i have decided that God has called me to do something else and i'm starting a new job with an urban ministry at the church where i congregate.  it has been an amazing journey so far.  i am going to miss my team. i felt like more than a manager I was a friend and an encourager.  i feel so blessed to have been able to work with those people.  my respect for them is so great.  the same goes for most of my co-workers.  my office-mates--Tim and Bru--they are great people.  i hope they are recognized as such when the time comes.  it is amazing what a place can do to you.  for the past few months i have been miserable there.  my boss has been completely irresponsible in the way she has handled things.  i have been struggling to manage a new program which was handed to me in disarray and with no staff.  however, i am glad it has happened that ways.  otherwise, i would not have had that as a catalyst to leave.  God is great and He knows when & how to deal with things.  at one point i was so overwhelmed that i had to lock myself in one of the bathroom stalls and cry until i could no longer.  it was horrible. there i prayed for God to deliver me from it and less than two days later everything changed.  i am so happy!  the new job will be an adjustment,  i'm starting from the bottom again but i could not be happier.  i am so lucky.  i couldn't ask for more.  i'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life and hope to fufill the task which i have been entrusted.  

 Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.  Jeremiah 33:3 

La Mancha...

I have always loved books.  From when I was a little girl I have always had this fascination with those bundles of pages that hold adventures, fears, experiences, dreams...  I remember that my grandmother loved--well, still loves--going to yard sales and Salvation Army stores where she buys a bunch of cheap stuff which really serves no purpose.  When I first got

 to the States as a teenager my eyes would scan the different stores, backyards or whatever places we ended up visiting on those bittersweet Saturday trips, mostly to New Hampshire, and automatically walk to the spot where the books were;  even if I couldn't read them because I spoke no English.  One of my favorite books of all time is Don Quijote. I rea

d it when I was about 13 years old.  The story of the crazy knight fighting every injustice and always longing for his beloved Dulcinea was just one of the most amazing reads ever. I was completely absorbed by it.   So when I finally got to visit La Mancha in Spain this summer I was in heaven.  We went to the Molinos.  Obviously, they're not the Cervantes molinos but they're still so, way cool.    I was completely in love with the Molinos to the point that my friends drove away threatening to leave me if I didn't let go.  Finally, they did drive away but had to come back just a bit so that I could get in the car.  We sat down by the Molino store--yes, capitalism is the best... the most sublime structures can become a convenience store in the middle of Saffron fields

.  In any event, we took out a blanket and sat under the shade of one of the Molinos.  There, with the fragrant wind enveloping us and overlooking the valley of Castilla-La Mancha, we had a succulent lunch of jamon, tortilla española, pan, atun among other staples of Spanish cuisine.  It was great.  I even took a little power nap until Jose--our friend, guide and driver--stopped chatting with the store attendant and we headed on our wa

y to new adventures.  I felt very Quijotesca, in a more luxurious sorta way.   Los Molinos were amazing both inside and outside.  They had names from the book, such as Rosinante and others. I was elated.  

Here are some of La Mancha pictures:  

the valley... molino...

thank God for Lisboa

so we just got to lisboa about an two hours ago. it´s such a nice city. i drove part of the way here and it wasn´t as bad as jose was saying. in any event, i will update more later since my hotel now has internet. yay... we´re on our way to dinner. yummm.

no more internet

well, after i met my friends and started travelling there´s no more internet. so i will be posting later...

1st and 2nd day...

so i decided to walk around town in Madrid to get to know things. i have been walking like a child in a remote african village. so far there are six blisters to account for it. i´m staying around the Puerta del Sol area. the hostel is ok although i have to say that it looks a bit--let´s be honest, waaaayyy--sketchy but the people who work there are nice. at least for now--until i find out that my backpack and half the stuff in it is missing.

from the airport i made my way around the Metro system. i had to change lines three times because the stop closest to my hostal is closed due to renovations. i love Madrid´s subway. it´s very clean and on time. it reminds me of the DC metro but with way more people.

day 1: got to the room. took a nap. then walked around town. later that night, at around 11pm i went to walk around town some more to check out the scenery. i went all the way from Puerta del Sol to La Latina and beyond. then came back for the metro. as i was waiting there were two ¨interesting-looking¨ fellows standing next to me. one of them said, ¨oye, estas wapa.¨with a non-spanish sounding accent. it turns out they were algerian. so they asked were i was from; i said brazilian. then i asked what they did in Madrid, etc. and one of them answered, ¨bueno aca vivo con mi familia. y pues no te miento soy traficante.¨ basically, he said he lived with his family here and that he was a dope dealer. he then proceeded to ask me if I was fine and if i needed anything to make me feel better. well, since i was in no need of tylenol or pepto bismol, i gracefully said no. as we got off the metro the two ¨pharmaceutical consultants¨ asked me follow them since they were going to give me directions. i did follow them for about 30 steps and then got ¨lost¨ in the crowd. luckily for me, the Gran Via area is a super crowded area.
after leaving my two new friends i found myself in a major rock concert kinda crowd for the gay pride festivities in the area. it was overwhelming. too many people. too many cigarettes. too many bottles. too many people stepping on my toes. : )

finally, i decided to stop walking at around 2am and headed back to the hostel. enough Madrid for the night.

day 2: more walking. i went to the royal botanical gardens (Jardin Botanico Real) close to where i´m staying. it was awesome. i mean, y´all know i love the whole taking pictures of flowers thing. there i had my fix. geesh. it´s a marvelous place. 

then i walked a bit more and ended up in the Anthropological Museum, 

which was free! yes! it was nice. towards the end of the afternoon i went back to the hostel.

that night i decided to check the latino scene in madrid and did an internet search to find some places with tropical music places. i ended up in a place called O´Zona. unbeknownst to me things in Madrid do not start until 2am. poor Boston. i feel so sad for your early bed habits. so since i was there at like midnight i had to stay at the door chatting it up with the bouncers. obviously, i was allowed to go in but the place was--literally--empty. so i was not going to be the parigüaya to go in. it turn out for the best. i met Carlos the bouncer; a peruvian fellow married with a woman from spain. he has the coolest peru-spain spanish accent. i also hit it off with the woman tending the front table where people pay to get in. by the way, the cover was a woopig 16 euros. they were making fun of me for being there so early. then i mentioned i was here from the States. Carlos is supposed to be going to a wedding in NYC soon and the lady has always dreamed of going to the US. we talked about Obama, being an immigrant in the US, speaking--or not--english, etc., etc. when people started to come my two new friends let me into the club for free and gave me a voucher for a drink! not to mention that the barwoman was a colombian who was also chatting it up with me before i went it. so by the end of the night i was like VIP. I knew the bouncers and the drink people. what else could a girl ask for? i was there until about 4am and then took a taxi back to my base of operations. the cab driver was a total riot and very nice older man. i slept like a baby.

so two days of adventures so far and counting...
ps. i always forget to bring my usb cable to the internet cafe but i´ll post some pix soon. :)

en route...

ok. so dearest Anne volunteered to give me a ride to the airport. it was crazy. between cambridge side gallery and the entrace to storrow drive it took about 45 minutes becuase of heavy traffic. i almost started getting worried. luckily, everything was fine and i made it to the airport well in advance.

on the plane i sat next to this really nice asian american guy who works in the insurance consulting business and travels a lot. he doesn´t like the travelling. it turns out that he too was going to madrid and then to portugal. he showed me his schedule--planned by his ¨friend¨--and it was something totally out of my league. they had planned everything, EVERYTHING, about this trip. it was interesting. while we were conversing these four frat-looking-sounding guys wearing custom-made San Fermin t-shirts came on and sat right behind us. it was hilarious. they were already drunk. we were all going the same way. when we got to London we all started talking and they told us about their trip to the running of the bulls. quite interesting. it turns out the T-shirts had five people pictured on them and they were all meeting in Madrid to then go do the running of the bulls in Pamplona. they invited me; of course i said no.

when we go to Madrid, one of them remembered my name and yelled it out as we were getting off the plane. they then procedeed to chat and i asked if they were taking the subway to Madrid-center. they said no but offered a ride once they were able to find their friends and rent a van. however, if the friends were nowhere to be found they would let me drive since they were all drunk out of their minds. i literally started running down the hallway and they after me. imagine this, me with a backpack and pepper-colored pants being chased down Barajas airport by four drunk frat guys wearing shorts and bright red shirts. quite the sight. they caught on. i took their pictures and lost them at baggage claim. thank you God!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pues Anne se voluntario para llevarme al aeropuerto y nos tomo casi una hora para llegar. me estaba comenzando a preocupar pero gracias a Dios todo salio bien y llegue al Logan a tiempo.

en el avion me sente al lado de un muchacho asiatico americano que tambien estaba en camino a España y Portugal. resulto muy amable el chico y me enseño su itinerario que me dio casi miedo. todo estaba planeado hasta el tuetano y con notas super detalladas. que emocion! luego llego un grupo de cuatro chicos que estaban en camino a Pamplona para la corrida de los toros. esa en las que sueltan los toros en la calle y salvese quien pueda. pues esa. resulta que ya estaban medio borrachitos y muy a lo mi tio David, con bocas de aqui a jupiter. en Londres empazamos a conversar. nos invitaron a ir con ellos pero claro que les dije que no porque yo a morir de cornada no voy. no señor. al llegar a Madrid les pregunte si usarian el metro para llegar al centro de Madrid y me dijeron que no pero que me daban un ride pues ellos rentarian una van--si encontraban a los amigos que supuestamente les estaban esperando. los chicos tenian camisetas hechas con sus caricaturas y la de sus amigos. que barbaridad. tambien me dijeron que si sus amigos no aparecian me dejarian conducir la van ya que ellos estaban demasiado borrachos para manejar. ahi fue cuando literalmente comenze a corres y ellos detras de mi. imaginense, yo corriendo en el aeropuerto Barajas con y grupo de gringos locos y borrachos con camisetas super rojas y botella en mano. que risa. pues al final los perdi en aduanas y me fui.

more on my first day in Madrid, luego.... luego les cuanto mas de mis aventuras en Madrid...

i know... i know...

it is not hidden fact that this blog is neglected by yours truly.  i have been told this many times. sorry, you my faithful readers... both you. :D  mom & dad... kidding.  i am hoping to be better now that i'm quitting my job and will have a life of my own. don't unbookmark me yet.  i promise. i will.  

on another note, i am now the proud owner of a wonderful little camera and have been taking pix of anything that moves--or not. i'm even on Flickr.  below are some of the pix there so feel free to check them out and let me know what you think.  honestly, it's borderline obsession.  

atardecer

Sosua y demas

los nuevos amigos capitalinos

Melvin aqui te van... para que por fin las puedas ver. :D

En Los Tres Ojos:
Pose 1: antes de subir a "la barquita", a no ser que no completaramos la travesia...
Pose 2: con el Capitan de "la barquita" ya en pleno apogeo de la aventura--no me ven la sonrisa de miedo...
Pose 3: mostranda completada la azanha y "Cailito", el guia, tomando la foto de la victoria--con el ultimo "Ojo" de fondo.

dream come true | suenho realizado

i have always wanted to be a street vendor. in DR i got to be one. not only that, a Chimichurri vendor. total riot. plus, in one of the toughest neighborhoods in the city of Santo Domingo, with a drug bust going on at about 15feet away from my place of employment. i loved it!!!

siempre he querido ser una vendedora ambulante. en RD lo pude conseguir, y no solo eso gente, sino que una vendedora de Chimis. ademas, en una de las areas mas interesantes de la cuidad de Santo Domingo... en Invivienda. con una redada de drogas como a 15 pies de mi "lugar de trabajo". que emozion!!

here is the proof..... aqui les va la prueba.... (fui oficialmente la Chimi 3. he he)

quote of the day...

"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little."
-- FDR

Dominican & Racist?

My friend Georgie forwarded me this link to a very interesting article. I in turn forwarded to my Dominican women and it has prompted quite an intriguing thread of responses. Here it is in case you care to take a look at it: Black Denial

Dominican Republic

Yara Matos holds her hair extensions as a stylist in the Herrera neighborhood prepares to give her the look of long, straight hair. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

Black denial

Nearly all Dominican women straighten their hair, which experts say is a direct result of a historical learned rejection of all things black

By Frances Robles

frobles@miamiherald.com

SANTO DOMINGO -- Yara Matos sat still while long, shiny locks from China were fastened, bit by bit, to her coarse hair.

Not that Matos has anything against her natural curls, even though Dominicans call that pelo malo -- bad hair.

But a professional Dominican woman just should not have bad hair, she said. "If you're working in a bank, you don't want some barrio-looking hair. Straight hair looks elegant," the bank teller said. "It's not that as a person of color I want to look white. I want to look pretty."

And to many in the Dominican Republic, to look pretty is to look less black.

Dominican hairdressers are internationally known for the best hair-straightening techniques. Store shelves are lined with rows of skin whiteners, hair relaxers and extensions.

Racial identification here is thorny and complex, defined not so much by skin color but by the texture of your hair, the width of your nose and even the depth of your pocket. The richer, the "whiter." And, experts say, it is fueled by a rejection of anything black.

"I always associated black with ugly. I was too dark and didn't have nice hair," said Catherine de la Rosa, a dark-skinned Dominican-American college student spending a semester here. "With time passing, I see I'm not black. I'm Latina.

"At home in New York everyone speaks of color of skin. Here, it's not about skin color. It's culture."

The only country in the Americas to be freed from black colonial rule -- neighboring Haiti -- the Dominican Republic still shows signs of racial wounds more than 200 years later. Presidents historically encouraged Dominicans to embrace Spanish Catholic roots rather than African ancestry.

Here, as in much of Latin America -- the "one drop rule'' works in reverse: One drop of white blood allows even very dark-skinned people to be considered white.

Capellan Dominquez, center, and Anthony Rosario, right, join others as they warm up for Carnival in February in the Cristo Rey area of Santo Domingo. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

LACK OF INTEREST

As black intellectuals here try to muster a movement to embrace the nation's African roots, they acknowledge that it has been a mostly fruitless cause. Black pride organizations such as Black Woman's Identity fizzled for lack of widespread interest. There was outcry in the media when the Brotherhood of the Congos of the Holy Spirit -- a community with roots in Africa -- was declared an oral patrimony of humanity by UNESCO. "There are many times that I think of just leaving this country because it's too hard," said Juan Rodríguez Acosta, curator of the Museum of the Dominican Man. Acosta, who is black, has pushed for the museum to include controversial exhibits that reflect many Dominicans' African background. "But then I think: Well if I don't stay here to change things, how will things ever change?"

A walk down city streets shows a country where blacks and dark-skinned people vastly outnumber whites, and most estimates say that 90 percent of Dominicans are black or of mixed race. Yet census figures say only 11 percent of the country's nine million people are black.

To many Dominicans, to be black is to be Haitian. So dark-skinned Dominicans tend to describe themselves as any of the dozen or so racial categories that date back hundreds of years -- Indian, burned Indian, dirty Indian, washed Indian, dark Indian, cinnamon, moreno or mulatto, but rarely negro.

The Dominican Republic is not the only nation with so many words to describe skin color. Asked in a 1976 census survey to describe their own complexions, Brazilians came up with 136 different terms, including café au lait, sunburned, morena, Malaysian woman, singed and "toasted."

"The Cuban black was told he was black. The Dominican black was told he was Indian," said Dominican historian Celsa Albert, who is black. "I am not Indian. That color does not exist. People used to tell me, ‘You are not black.' If I am not black, then I guess there are no blacks anywhere, because I have curly hair and dark skin."

Manuel Núñez (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

THE HISTORY

Using the word Indian to describe dark-skinned people is an attempt to distance Dominicans from any African roots, Albert and other experts said. She noted that it's not even historically accurate: The country's Taino Indians were virtually annihilated in the 1500s, shortly after Spanish colonizers arrived.

Researchers say the de-emphasizing of race in the Dominican Republic dates to the 1700s, when the sugar plantation economy collapsed and many slaves were freed and rose up in society.

Later came the rocky history with Haiti, which shares the island of Hispaniola with the Dominican Republic. Haiti's slaves revolted against the French and in 1804 established their own nation. In 1822, Haitians took over the entire island, ruling the predominantly Hispanic Dominican Republic for 22 years.

To this day, the Dominican Republic celebrates its independence not from centuries-long colonizer Spain, but from Haiti.

"The problem is Haitians developed a policy of black-centrism and . . . Dominicans don't respond to that," said scholar Manuel Núñez, who is black. "Dominican is not a color of skin, like the Haitian."

Dictator Rafael Trujillo, who ruled from 1930 to 1961, strongly promoted anti-Haitian sentiments, and is blamed for creating the many racial categories that avoided the use of the word "black."

The practice continued under President Joaquín Balaguer, who often complained that Haitians were "darkening'' the country. In the 1990s, he was blamed for thwarting the presidential aspirations of leading black candidate José Francisco Peña Gómez by spreading rumors that he was actually Haitian.

Dominican girls Luz Freiney Paulina, from left, Esther Celeste Santana, Mayelin Eloisa Valdez and Melisa Valdez, comprise the dance troupe Las Nizas. Below, Dominican author Manuel Nunez writes about the issues of 'black' and 'Dominican' as they relate to the history in his country. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

"Under Trujillo, being black was the worst thing you could be," said Afro-Dominican poet Blas Jiménez. "Now we are Dominican, because we are not Haitian. We are something, because we are not that."

Jiménez remembers when he got his first passport, the clerk labeled him "Indian." He protested to the director of the agency.

"I remember the man saying, ‘If he wants to be black, let him be black!' '' Jiménez said.

Resentment toward anything Haitian continues, as an estimated one million Haitians live in the Dominican Republic, most working in the sugar and construction industries. Mass deportations often mistakenly include black Dominicans, and Haitians have been periodically lynched in mob violence. The government has been trying to deny citizenship and public education to the Dominican-born children of illegal Haitian migrants.

When migrant-rights activist Sonia Pierre won the prestigious Robert F. Kennedy Human Rights Award in 2006, the government responded by trying to revoke her citizenship, saying she is actually Haitian.

"There's tremendous resistance to blackness -- black is something bad," said black feminist Sergia Galván. ‘‘Black is associated with dark, illegal, ugly, clandestine things. There is a prototype of beauty here and a lot of social pressure. There are schools where braids and natural hair are prohibited."

Galván and a loosely knit group of women have protested European canons of beauty, once going so far as to rally outside a beauty pageant. She and other experts say it is now more common to see darker-skinned women in the contests -- but they never win.

Mariana Ramirez smiles as she sits in Daisy Gran Salon in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

CULTURE PULL

Several women said the cultural rejection of African looking hair is so strong that people often shout insults at women with natural curls.

"I cannot take the bus because people pull my hair and stick combs in it," said wavy haired performance artist Xiomara Fortuna. "They ask me if I just got out of prison. People just don't want that image to be seen."

The hours spent on hair extensions and painful chemical straightening treatments are actually an expression of nationalism, said Ginetta Candelario, who studies the complexities of Dominican race and beauty at Smith College in Massachusetts. And to some of the women who relax their hair, it's simply a way to have soft manageable hair in the Dominican Republic's stifling humidity.

"It's not self-hate," Candelario said. "Going through that is to love yourself a lot. That's someone saying, ‘I am going to take care of me.' It's nationalist, it's affirmative and celebrating self."

Money, education, class -- and of course straight hair -- can make dark-skinned Dominicans be perceived as more "white," she said. Many black Dominicans here say they never knew they were black -- until they visited the United States.

"During the Trujillo regime, people who were dark skinned were rejected, so they created their own mechanism to fight it," said Ramona Hernández, Director of the Dominican Studies Institute at City College in New York. "When you ask, ‘What are you?' they don't give you the answer you want . . . saying we don't want to deal with our blackness is simply what you want to hear."

Hernández, who has olive-toned skin and a long mane of hair she blows out straight, acknowledges she would "never, never, never'' go to a university meeting with her natural curls.

Product promoter Margarita Munoz, right, tidies up the shelf displaying her company's hair-straightening products in a Santo Domingo market. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

"That's a woman trying to look cute; I'm a sociologist," she said.

Asked if a black Dominican woman can be considered beautiful in her country, Hernández leapt to her feet.

"You should see how they come in here with their big asses!'' she said, shuffling across her office with her arms extended behind her back, simulating an enormous rear-end. "They come in here thinking they are all that, and I think, 'doesn't she know she's not really pretty?' "

Maria Elena Polanca is a black woman with the striking good looks. She said most Dominicans look at her with curiosity, as if a black woman being beautiful were something strange.

She spends her days promoting a hair straightener at La Sirena, a Santo Domingo department store that features an astonishing array of hair straightening products.

"Look, we have bad hair, bad. Nobody says 'curly.' It's bad," she said. "You can't go out like that. People will say, 'Look at that nest! Someone light a match!' ''

Angela Martinez, 12, left, entertains friend Estefany Diaz, 10, as Estefany's sister Ariela does her hair in the Paraiso de Dios neighborhood west of Santo Domingo, a scene that plays out on the streets throughout much of the Dominican Republic. (Candace Barbot/Miami Herald)

'IT WAS HURTFUL'

Purdue University professor Dawn Stinchcomb, who is African American, said that when she came here in 1999 to study African influences in literature, people insulted her in the street.

Waiters refused to serve her. People wouldn't help Stinchcomb with her research, saying if she wanted to study Africans, she'd have to go to Haiti.

"I had people on the streets . . . yell at me to get out of the sun because I was already black enough," she said. "It was hurtful. . . . I was raised in the South and thought I could handle any racial comment. I never before experienced anything like I did in the Dominican Republic.

"I don't have a problem when people who don't look like me say hurtful things. But when it's people who look just like me?"

last day....

i think i'm clean enough. this is the end. i'll make it to 10 next time.

day 6... saturday

so my friend Eunice invited me to go to church with her to make pastelitos/empanadas. can you say cruel? i have not eaten for six, yes s.i.x, 6, days and the woman wants me to go make empanadas. juicy, flavorful meat... savory dough.... no respect, que sinverguenza. i went. it wasn't half as bad. this whole experience has taught me a lot about survival and what we as humans really need, or don't need. then Eunice and Vanessa went to Applebee's and I went with them. total trooper me. i had a water with lime and vanessa had bbq wings, Euni had a shrimp salad. before that we went to BJs and they wanted to get cookies. chocolate chip. they didn't but instead went to D&D. coffee and pastries. i, of course, had none. just water. thank you very much.

i had aimed for 3 days originally, then 5, now i'm on 7. maybe i'll make it to 10. but Melba crackers are looking pretty tasty now. my plan is to at least make it thru tomorrow and my GI will be almost pristine clean!! yay me!

p.s. sometime around day 3 or 4 Alainie had a saltine cracker crisis while working third shift at the hospital. she stopped--right after she went to the hospital cafeteria and had scrambled eggs with home fries for breakfast on friday, it seems. :D hilarious.

day 3...

i thought this was going to be earth-shattering. it's not. i'm not craving my usual foods. my stomach feel light. the lemonade still tastes good. i'm drinking an average of 64oz per day at work plus about 3 glasses at nite. oh, i also take the laxative tea a nite. chocolate flavored... yummm

day 2...

what the heck. everything is normal. i feel no pain. when i'm a bit hungry I drink the lemonade and it all gets better. i love this stuff. i feel so much better. cleaner--it's probably some type of placebo effect. I like it. no migranes either. this is a first.

p.s. my housemate Alainie felt inspired by my lemonade binge and she's started it to. day 1! i think.

day 1

the lemonade ain't have bad. it's grown on me. so far so good. 32oz of water first thing in the morning feels kinda good. it also sent me to the bathroom in like 5 minutes. the power of water... amazing and gross at the same time. :)

summer cleaning... i mean, cleanse

i'm starting the Master Cleanse. need to clean my colon and all the other stuff in its vicinity. let's see how it goes. it is supposed to last 10 days. yep. 10 days with H2O and a limonade with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. if i don't write again in 6 months--which apparently is my turn around time-- i most likely died. j/k. i'll keep you posted. i need carbs!

thoughts on my 75 year old granma

yesterday we had my grandmother's 75th birthday party. it was a surprise party and it took a whole arsenal of lies to not have her find out. hopefully God will not take them seriously. it was fun and she was definitely surprised. i'll put up some pictures later. my family is definitely special for lack of a better word. but i wanted her to have that and she did. i just wanted to make some memories.

as i reflect on my grandmother's age i realize how lucky she is to get to be that old. many people do not reach that age. many people around the globe die for "silly" reasons that can totally be prevented if the rest of us would care a bit more. for my grandma, life expectancy in the DR would be 74.87 years, so I guess she's passed that mark. in the US it would be 80.97. she's lucky.

i'm happy she's my grandmother with everything that she is or isn't. she has always loved me truly unconditionally. i think she is the only person in my life that has shown such a devoted love. not even my mom with all that she loves me--and she does a lot. mama has always been there to love me and show her love for me in many different ways. although i have to admit that sometimes some of those ways can be very suffocating. when i was little I remember not wanting to leave her side and crying my eyes out when my mom would take me back home after work. my grandmother spent my second day of kindergarten sitting on a tiny, uncomfortable chair so that I would not cry. the next day, neither of us came back. obviously, i wouldn't stop crying and mama would not sit on the little chair again. :D

i love my grandmother and would like to see her last days on earth be very, very happy. although that is not always possible, for reasons outside my control, i hope that she can see how blessed she has been not with what she has had but with what she has given.

the babies are coming... the babies are coming

this is crazy. i went to a housing conference in Boston from my job and all of the sudden I see this red-headed guy. i glance at him. he glances at me. i smile. he smiles. i wai, "wait a minute, you...?" he goes, "you're Marly's cousin, right?" i say yes and look at his name tag. "Brian? How are you?" it turns out he's my cousin's husband. they live in new york. the world is a small place. he he

so he tells me that my cousin is four months pregnant with a baby boy. so exciting! she was born a year after me. at the end of the day when i'm telling my mother, tells me that my cousin in DR--Marly's sister, Lilibel--might also be pregnant. it's not confirmed, she's not married, ehmm, ehmm. the next day she tells me that my cousin Carol, who lives in Paris, is also a month (?) pregnant. i guess this is the 'fertile' season for my family. :D it's crazy.

i'm actually very relieved. with all the baby hype hopefully people will stop hinting as to when i get married, and/or when is mine coming. it's a lot of pressure. i know my mother would go psycho with a grandchild; my grandmother would go crazy with a baby from her first and favorite granddaughter. sometimes i wonder. i see myself as more of an adopting type although i'm very motherly and probably would love to have a child of my own--at first.

anyway, i can't wait for all those little feet to stomp the world. i'm so excited and happy for my cousins. too cute!