please, please, please...

Lord, let me find Adele tickets.  please.  i really want to hear her sing live.  :)  with much excitement i went online to purchase the most expensive Adele tickets i could find for her concert in Boston. ummm... sold out. yup.  no tickets in Boston, NYC, ATL, Denver or any other city--yes, I was willing to go to any of those cities.

hints

sometimes you have encounters that mark the beginning of something.  that's how i feel about a meeting i had while in DC this week.  i met people that i had worked with on a grant proposal--let's call them B&A.  as a celebration for getting the grant, B took us to dinner--us being my boss, my colleague, A and myself.  we all went to mccormick and schmicks in bethesda, md.  lots of chatting, stories and good food.  there was this french-speaking waiter that was either nervous or stupid because he kept brushing against me---when bringing my wine, my food, the bread, the tea, e-ve-ry sin-gle time. dork... anyway.  B used to be a prominent figure in an old administration and is quite the know-it-all.  anyway, throughout the whole meeting i felt like i was being observed.  maybe because they had never met me before and we had worked together a bit. i'm not sure.  i just felt that he was looking at me from time to time trying to figure me out.  for some reason i feel that there may be a greater connection with those people later on but i'm not sure how or what.  i just get that feeling and wonder why... we'll see what time says.

on another note, B is very gentleman-like.  he reminds me of my senior pastor.  lately, i have begun to notice some gentleman-like qualities that i didnt notice before.  i also have been--unconsciously--comparing those men that i feel exhibit "fake"  qualities and those that are genuine gentlemen.  i know it's an old term and all but it's reassuring to know that there are men like that.  it's little thing they do that makes them that way, and they do it when no one else is looking.  they do it with their wives but also with women that they have no romantic connection to. it's very intriguing and motivating at the same time.  i think my male peers seem to have lost some of those qualities.  it's not just opening doors, pulling chairs or hanging your coat; there's more than that.  there's a certain unstated sense of protection and care.  there's a certain calm and knowledge of who they are.  there's a certain sense of security and lack of them feeling threatened by you in any ways.  it's just... i don't know... but if i were a guy i would want to be that way.

today i've been thinking about how weird things related to your faith are and how diverse interpretations can be regarding it.  i went to meet with a group of pastors in my hometown to see if they would be interested in the program i work for.  to me, it was an utter disappointment.  the meeting was not as productive and in my eyes they are so stubborn and centered around their own culture that is just drain all energy out of me.  once again i am going to God to have one of those erratic conversations where i'm not mad but i'm confused at/with/for him.  this got me thinking... we classify things in our lives as personal, professional, spiritual, etc., etc.  however for me who you are is only one thing : faith.  everything else is just an expression of it.  that's in theory, of course.  in practice, i'm not sure since i haven't taken a close look at how i keep that claim valid across the board.  you'd think that pastors would think that way too.  however, when as the church we make a clear--borderline judgemental--distinction between us and them (the world, non-believers, other religions, denominations...), arent' we saying that there are aspects of our lives where faith is not operative?  where God is excluded from?  every time I pastor says that it is a problem of the world outside rather than the church it makes me want to ask, "what planet are you from?"  i understand that we can get so churchie that we lose touch with the ways in which the world operates but when we use our spiritual sub-culture as a crutch to keep shelter and justify our insular perspective, then i just think it's sad.  so i guess that after my meeting today, i am sad.   i'm sad because as an ethnic community we are not up to the challenge. i'm also sad because as a faith community we couldn't be farther.  i know that God can do it and i trust that he will do it but at moments like this i am left as an open target, defenseless to that which i cannot control.  however, it also makes me want to work harder to change that resistance and sense of comfort that people take refuge under thinking they'll get away with it. 

student depression: 0; super RA: 2

no of the students in my wing seemed to be a bit down all of the sudden.  she’s a really sweet, cute girl and usually smiley but lately she seems sad and her gaze is distant.  the shine in her eyes is gone. given that in japanese culture things are usually kept bottled up i was hesitant to ask her anything so i just asked her if she’s doing well, and at another time asked if she felt tired; little things like that.  she finally said that she wanted to talk to me.  thursday night at around 10pm she came to my room.  she sat down and started telling me how she felt. she wouldn’t stop crying--thank God i had a little packet of tissues.  she said she felt bad that she had not been a good wing leader--she’s one of two.  she felt incompetent for not having cared enough for her fellow students or not have gotten to known them more.  she had that japanese perfectionist mentality oozing off of her.  then she said that she was having a conflict with her former bff.  apparently, the friend said that she was not cheerful enough and didn’t appreciate her behavior.  that was affecting her to the point that she was not focusing on her studies and had a hard time going to bed on time, etc. etc.  i talked with her for about an hour and half and explained to her that she was doing a good job.  that she was a student and that was her number one priority and that being a wing leader was not defined by how people reacted to her but how she dealt with the things that mattered.  i mentioned that even i as an RA have a hard time getting all 28 girls on our floor to respond to me.  we then tackled the friend issue and advised her to talk it out with the girl. if the girl did not have a credible argument as to why they were having problems then (after having done everything possible to resolve things and continue the friendship) she would have to consider if that was a positive influence for her and if she wanted to devote so much time and energy to someone who was not appreciative of it.   finally, i helped her create a weekly calendar where we mapped out her whole week inlcuding classes and activities and study times.   she promised me that she would follow it and rather than studying in her room she would go to a public place where she would be forced to focus on the books rather than crying over what was bothering her.  

i checked in with on sunday and she said that the calendar was working very well for her.  (yay!!)  i was so happy.  today we had a conversation about a conflict that some girls are having and at that time i asked if things were well and she said that after speaking with me she felt very motivated and has been feeling much better.  i felt like i had hit a homerun.  it was so good to see her smiling again.  as we spoke, she mentioned this conflict between two roommates. one of them is sleeping in the lounge which is hindering other students’ usage of it.  so i talked to the previously-down-in-the-dumps wing leader and we came up with a plan to resolve the situation.  then i mentioned to her how this is a great opportunity for her because conflict is everywhere and everyone has some sort of conflict, so for her to be able to mediate this it will give her a great experience. there are four parties involved in this (the roommates, the wing leaders, students that complained, and students services--which includes the SS director and me).  it’s a complex situation so being in the middle and having to be the neutral party will give her a professional, personal and social experience.  somehow she ended up leaving very happy to be involved in this little chaos.  

the whole experience is just fascinating to me.  i’m in the middle of this conflict where everyone but me is japanese.  it’s interesting to see how culture plays a role in human interactions in general but there are certain skills that one can develop that can be useful irrespective of the cultural setting.  i think effective conflict resolution is one of them.  i wonder how things will end up but i am somewhat looking forward to seeing what happens, even if it will require some tension.  i’m also puzzled as to why i’m in the middle of all this.  i have this feeling that sometime from now i’ll be writing another blog entry and this will all connect to make sense of one big picture that i have tiny impressions of in my spirit.  this is another exciting adventure waiting to happy and it is undeniable that Master G is involved.   hmmm....  for now i’ll try to remember to pray for my students.  gosh being japanese is not easy. 

irony

i woke up late today and missed the shuttle to the train station.  as i usually do when that happens, i walked down to center st. to catch the bus to dudley square and then walk to work.  i like the walk because it takes me by jamaica pond and then all the pretty houses, mansion-looking houses around there.  it's a very pretty, peaceful walk speacially in the fall.  the winter... not so good, but not bad either.  as i walked down the jamaicaway i noticed a group of people part of what appeared to be a street cleaning crew.  as i walked past i noticed it was a van from the juvenile court or something similar.  so the group was doing community service as part of the court justice system.  i walked by and noticed that most of the members were young people; mostly black and possibly some latino--i didn't stop to question or anything.  what struck me as very ironic was the fact of where they were being brought to do their community service.  the jamaica pond area.  and not even the pond, but the area across the pond. they were cleaning the sidewalks and mid-street planters right by the big, pretty houses.  to me that was just idiotic.  if society wants to teach these kids a lesson; wants them to pay for whatever they did; allow them to reflect on what they have done and how that impacts their community... why bring them to affluent areas where i'm sure they do not live?

what is the point of community service? to give back to the community/society you have violated?  to be shamed into not doing it again because the consequences are you being publicly exposed while picking up garbage?  to have to pay up through forced service? i don't really know but why bring those kids to clean up for the "rich" people that live across from one of the most beautiful sites in the city.  people who live in those houses can afford to pay to clean their sidewalk? heck, they do!  i hardly see any garbage there. i don't have a problem with them.  i think pretty nice people live around there; so my beef it's not with them but with whoever decided to bring those kids there.  why not being them to a poor inner-city community that really needs some cleaning up?  why not let people that they probably know see them and shame them into not doing that again? why not show them the damage they cause to a community when they vandalize, get involved in gang activity, skip school to sit at a corner, or some other stereotypical stuff like that?  for some reason, i just thought that was very odd.  i don't know what really bother me about it but it just didn't make much sense.  it was just to ironic for me.

Happy New Year!

wow... it's 2011.  i have been thinking of Y2K the past a couple of days.  i remember i was coming from japan on december 23rd and supposed to leave for ecuador on December 28th.  i asked to delay my flight until about january 3rd in part to finish some paperwork and in part to avert any possible global catastrophe with the whole Y2K fiasco.  it's funny how most people do not remember the hype and scare of the time--people buying water like crazy and preparing ofr Armageddon.   :)

anyway, that's not what i wanted to focus on.  it's the new year!  i had a good NYE's celebration with friends and at church.  one of my friends wanted to have a dinner party at her church but she doesn't really cook so she asked to do it together.  i brought the plates/silverware and cooked part of it; she provided her house, kitchen, food and cooked most of it actually.  i was impressed since at was prepared to have it be a she hosts and i'm the cook kinda of gig. however, contrary to previous practice she came through.  it was a pretty low-key gathering--only six of us.  afterward, the church service was great.  when the pastor said, go to your families and pray and wait for the year together it always feels a bit weird because my family is not there. technically, they were doing the same thing just at another place.  i ran to the Naranjos since they're one of my adopted family folk.  they're a so cute! i just love those people. the funny thing is that as i stood with them my friend Euni came over to tell me that they were looking for me to stand with me--her mom, stepdad, husband and her.  i was touched that they thought of me.  it was so sweet. (thanks Eunie! i heart ya lots).  finally, it was all over and Saralicious drove me home. 

when i got home the NYE party for students was over and i helped clean up a bit. now as i sit on my bed, i'm pondering on this past year.  when i put it all on the balance, it was a good year.  God was faithful throughout the year and provided for my every need--well, most of them, some i'm still wondering why he's holding them back.  in any event, i'm very grateful for this year.  i worked hard and learned a lot professionally. i was taught great lessons in friendships and social dynamics--some pleasant, some not so pleasant.  i have developed new friendships and old ones have become a lot more relevant.  i've shared many joys with many people i love--friends, family, colleagues, strangers.  i hung out with my paternal siblings--meeting two of them for the first time.  i felt loved. i loved. i cried a lot, but i laughed a lot more. i was shown great lessons of faith and provision when i was 12hrs from being unemployed.  i embarked on a new adventure by moving out of my apartment to a japanese school where i live for free. he he...  i learned about my parent's lives and new aspects to their character.  i've seen many new flaws in my character and personality that i was not aware of; but have also noticed certain  positive changes in me as well. i have been blessed beyond measure and i feel like 2010 was a good year.  in fact, some could say even a great year.  as i look back i can't help but smile about it.  i can't help but think of how great 2011 will be.  i can't wait for the lessons to be learned and the changes to be had.  i don't have new year resolutions really but if i had one, it would be to love more those who love me, and to learn to show love to those who do not love me much.  i'm excited for what 2011 holds for me.  i praise you God for your goodness and for the fact that i get to rejoice at this time! 

darn green line silence.... so embarassing

so this morning i'm waiting for the green line at reservoir wondering if my gorgeous israeli fellow T commuter is round.  he apparently went somewhere on vacation because i haven't seen him all week. i also couldn't smell is intoxicating strong Joop cologne anywhere so he's definitely not around.  i'll talk about him later if i remember.

anyway, back to my original point.  i didn't have dinner last night. nor did i have breakfast before leaving--darn cafeteria holiday schedule. it's all good, i thought, because i'm having breakfast at the office.  the it started.  as i stood next to the dignified-looking, financial district fellow wit the WSJ, my stomach started its own version of the Boston Pops. how embarrassing.  to make matters worse, everyone was so darn quiet!  it's like the cold had frozen everyone and they just wanted to make air space for the sounds emanating from my mid-section.  i was mortified.  as soon as i heard the minimal squeak i would stomp my foot slightly, pretending to shake the snow off my boots; or i would "sumirme" by holding my breath in hopes that it would go away. i wanted to die.  it's like i was farting in public or something!  why? why me?  i put my little Jane Austen book down because i couldn't concentrate on Emma and Mr. Knightley's conversation.  i just wanted a whole lot of noise to take over that platform.  finally, after a minor delay, the train came and the world came to life.  i was free to let my stomach growl as much as it wanted. 

Ah Christmas...

after much deliberation, i decided to head to my familia for Christmas.  my mom asked a number of times and so i decided to head over and spend some quality time with grams, mom, bro and sis--or so i thought.  my brother picked me up and as we drove i found out that his girlfriend was coming over too.  i don't dislike the girl but she gets on my nerves.  i think she's very clingy and needy.  my brother travels for work most of the time and gets back on fridays usually.  the chick is at my mom's house even before he gets there.  she then sees him on saturday and then most likey on sunday--it seems.  so he has no time to really catch up with family and such.  for the Christmas holiday she came to my house on friday nigh, then he went to her house on saturday, and on sunday, they had planned to watch a movie but because of the snow storm they cancelled, i think.  she seems to call every time i'm with him, which is not often.  apparently he wants me to bond with her but i'm just not feeling it.  then whenever i see her at my mom's house she's in his room and what the heck am i going to be in there watching my younger brother slobber over someone's face.  ok, maybe not that bad...

sorry, i went off a tangent there.  so dinner.  it was fun.  we ate a simple meal and laughed most of it off with my grandmother and her stories.  actually, stories of how all of us--my mom included--have prank called her in English and she seems to just fall each and every time.  poor thing. she's turning 80 this year but still, she's a bit slow in that sense.  i bought some gifts for my mama, mami, bro, sis.. and the clingy girlfriend--sorry. :) she got me cupcakes so i shouldn't dub her as clingy.  however, all i wanted for Christmas were earmuff, which i didn't get.  nor did i get any other present from my family. so much for the spirit of the season.... ha ha

we rented some movies to watch and my younger sister crashed our family gathering with her boyfriend and his brother and his brother's wife.  quite the scene... three couples and I watching grown-ups. my sister's boyfriend is quite handsome but the kid is nuts.  i think we laughed so hard with the movie not because it was funny but because he has this "mad-scientist-deranged-jealous-wife-about-to-give-birth laugh of sorts that just makes you want to bring him to america's funniest home videos.  hilarious. his brother's wife, it turns out, worked with me all of last year.  she was on staff for the organization that provided the curriculum for my program. she was so chatty; she would not stop talking.  maybe she was nervous.  they would not leave.  after the movie was over my dorky brother started fiddling with the jenga game y pa' que fue eso, they started playing too! after saying goodbye and with their coats on!! finally i went into my brother's room to see if they would get the hint but that didn't even make a dent. nananina.

the rest of the time there i spent watching movies. i watched "Just Wright" with Queen Latinfah two times, "The Kids are All Right" we watched together with my mom.  that was interesting.  the movie has a number of sex scenes with clearly naked people.  my mom was giggly at one point. her mouth was wide open at one point when Julianne Moore and the other lady were doing their thing as a lesbian couple.  it was an interesting movie to watch but i don't think i liked it. Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, was just yummy.  he's the reason i rented it.  after Johnny Depp his my 2nd favorite actor. i like the roles he chooses. they're usually such a space-cadet-looking but really unconventionally-smart-sexy characters.  sorry, i digress again. 

anyway, sunday night in the middle of the blizzard--which i found out about from a facebook status about an hour prior--my brother drove me home.  you could hardly see anyone while on the highway. it was kinda fun, although too slow.    when i got home i slept and have been doing so most today too.  love me some snow days! :)

p.s. i'm still looking for earmuffs so hopefully tomorrow i can procure me some furry ear-friends to sport in the snow.

darn gum... darn gum!!!!

really, how do you tell a 45+ year old woman that she sounds like a cow when she chews gum?  how does one tell her that it is not proper office etiquette when i can hear her chew her gum two cubicles over?  how!?! hoooow!  loud chewing in the wrong context is just so wrong to me and it's probably the thing that gets me angry automatically.  but i guess this is one of those moments to exercise love, compassion, mercy, etc. and stay shut as my colleague seems to have an unlimited supply of gum to make her mouth happy. she has been chewing for like the past two weeks straight, even at a training with an outside vendor--granted, everyone had piece after lunch, but she kept hers for like the whole darn afternoon.   arggg!!! it's driving me crazy.   really, it doesn't appear to you that that's not proper office etiquette when everyone else is not doing it. maybe all the noise coming from her open mouth is not allowing her to notice others around her.  i know i just need to suck it up and just let it be but i have to say something, somewhere.   if only i could use some duck tape...

random encounters...

on Monday i was on my way to work earlier than usual because we had a week-long training with  a team from UPenn. they came to teach us how to train others in our program curriculum which they developed.  anyway, i called a cab to come pick me up since it was to early to take our shuttle.  as i got in the cab i told the driver where to go and he took a longer route than usual so i asked if he could please go down another street since i was in a hurry.  as i sat there i started to listen to the song he was playing and i felt so touched by it.  it was in gospel song in French.  it was titled "Perseverez".

here's the video:



in my Crown discipleship i had learned on Sunday that our deeds will be judged and recompensed depending on our intentions. i told the cabbie that and that this would be one of those things; where he lifted my spirit and gave me hope at the beginning of a very tough week. he blessed me without knowing me and/or intending to just by choosing that song to praise God in his cab.

we started talking and Frantz--that's his name--told me about his life and how he plays worship music in the cab and some people like it, others don't, etc. i told him what i did and gave him my card. he gave me his and said he would email me to send me the contact information. it was a great moment. he gave me an indirect word of encouragement and i gave him words of encouragement. God works in a amazing ways. he emailed me the information and i responded. i was really grateful for God's faithfulness and his reminder that he has not forgotten me. :) he knew i needed something to start that week where i would be facing a number of difficult decisions and lots of things to do as a result. i have been feeling pretty alone lately and God has been faithful to send me all these reminders that he's got my back. i just feel that in the midst of my daily chaos He's there, standing firm. i feel reassured even if i do my best to mess everything up. my encounter with Frantz just filled me with faith in people and in me. it also confirmed once again that my Father loves me and knows how to deal with me and when i need it. il n'a pas dit que sera facile...

I think it's hard when you go through periods in life where disappointment just takes over you and a number of events in your life are filtered through it.  I guess it has to do with you level of happiness or satisfaction at any given point but sometimes it's just like a virus that takes over an doesn't let you know.  today I was a bit disappointed with the people I work with at a meeting we had.  Obviously, I am not the best manager in the world nor I am in the position I have because I’m fully qualified but because I happen to be there and fit the role.  That’s problem number one, regardless of what other people say I do not feel that that is my legitimate place.  I think they just needed a warm body there at a particular time and I was readily available to say yes.  Given that, I probably reflect a number of insecurities which not even I can perceive fully.

Anyway, at the meeting--a website brainstorming meeting--someone made a suggestion to include something like Focus on the Family does to which I responded, "Well, we can use that because it's religious."  It must have been the way I said and/or something else but that set off a mood that I thought was rather offensive and frustrating.  my assessments is that I am not very accepting of opinions and when I ask for suggestions I never take them into account, "go back to your desk and scratch them," was the line.  I thought that was hurtful.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I am angry and feel very much unappreciated.   I have no direction in the program and have a number of roles that require a lot for one person. You can’t really design a program and implement it all at the same time; which is what I have to do in a way.  I’m not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I lack but if someone is going to make fun of me because I’m left ot make decisions that maybe I should not be making then I don’t appreciate it.  It’s just not fair.   I try to support the team as much as I can and forget many of the things that they do not do by remembering the thing that they do do.  It’s  just pushed my buttons to not have someone say things directly, even after I ask for feedback, but yet create a reputation for someone and not affording one the benefit of knowing. If it were just isolated comments, it wouldn’t matter but I know it isn’t. I know it’s not isolated and I know it has some consequence.  

It doesn’t help that I feel my time has come to move to other professional projects.  I do not want to stay here any longer. I am here because I feel that this is where God is calling me to be but if it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  I can see how I am called to be here and how everything in life (past, present, future) seems to point to me staying here, but then I wonder, does God always puts you through misery to teach you whatever? Is there not joy in following his Will? I experienced that when I was starting to work here but now, I don’t think that’s the case.  When we do I know that God is calling me to bear with it, and not telling me to move on but I’m not doing so out of fear?  I don’t know. I guess this is the process to find out. Hopefully the answer it’s already on its way and I just have to wait a bit longer. 

me and my big mouth...

someone in my office has this Chinese character on her neck:

obviously, I saw it and asked what it meant. she said it meant love. when she said that I knew I was in trouble. To me, it didn't look like "love". According to three dictionaries I just checked (two japanese and one chinese) it means wolf or severe/cruel. what am I going to do? I can't tell her; specially after she mentioned how she came up with the design for it. why do I open my mouth? why?

if John would listen a bit better, he would know that the only reason why he can stand and ask all those questions is because he is loved. i can so relate to this song and the underlying struggle that happens as you try to seek God. this is just a great piece.

by the way, he looks infinitely sexier singing about what matters. sigh.. oh, Legend how i drool for thee.

he never moved...

i just had like a 1/2 hour conversation with a friend about some heavy stuff.  this dear friend of mine is going through a number of things, and has gone through some of them for more than a year.  he just got a divorce after months of separation from his wife and for no real apparent reason.  needless to say, he has been a bit in the grey.  then his job for a major corporate financial firm is being moved to South America and he needs to decide what to do, if he stays in NYC or moves down south, etc.  i have been there for most of the process so we talk about it from time to time.

as we spoke he mentioned that because he has been away from God he feels that it's hard to pray for guidance and/or wisdom since he feels that he doesn't have the right.  why would God listen to him they've been part?  while i was talking to him i said something that as i think of it just makes me realize how amazing this God of mine is.  i told him that it is true, he can't expect to listen to God's voice as easily because it would be as if I went to a friend that i have not seen in ten years and without saying hello ask him to lend me $400,00 to pay for a new liver or some major crisis like that. from our human perspective that would make no sense.  so he was like, "exactly!"  why would He answer?  i responded by saying that God is not the problem, he is the problem.  as he walked father and farther way from God, He never moved. God didn't budge an inch.  he stayed right where he was facing our backs.  we are the problem.  likewise, to the measure that we moved away from God we have to then turn back and walk back towards him, and he is there right where He stayed.  God is always willing to embrace us; to forgive us; to love us.  He never moves.  His love never changes.  we, however, always sway and fail to see that only our side of the equation fluctuates; his doesn't.

this is what we see---forgive my ghetto "virtual" drawing: 
before   :::::::::::::::::::: me & God :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after      :::me:::::::::::::::: & :::::::::::::::::::God::::::::::::::

 however, this is what God sees: 
before   :::::::::::::::::::::: me & God ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after      :::::me::::::::::::::::: & God:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
after-after :::::::::::::::::::me & God:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 i know this is not, like, wow, the latest theological discovery but i find it interesting that we always think of a equidistant gap between God and us when in reality the distance is from us away from him.  He is the point of reference in all and immutable. therefore, anyway that moves, does so towards Him or away from him. His love for us never changes.

i hope that my friend finds that reassuring and understands that God is always there for him.  i know that i totally love the fact that He is there for me, regardless of the pull/push dance i may have going on in life.  there's so much more to know about this God who chooses to patiently wait for my childish tantrums to be over so and turn back to him.  not because he needs me but because he loves me.  he just stays there,

A virtuous woman, who can find?  

For her worth is far above rubies.   

This past Saturday I went to a women's conference at my church.  It was great!  One, because I got to hang out with my mom, one on one, las dos solitas; and two, because the message was very encouraging to me.  The theme was around the virtuous wife in Proverbs 31.  Obviously, that doesn't really apply to me because I'm not married, but it is a model that I can implement and exercise now rather than when I get married.  I have a long standing connection with that passage which I think reflect a lot of my intentions and many actions in life. 

At one point, I was recruited for an interview with a State agency in Boston and decided to go.  As I prepared that morning, I was a bit anxious about the whole things, especially when my employer at the time was good friends and a contractor with that agency.  As a way to calm myself, I opened by Bible.  I chose at random within Proverbs because it's full of wise advice.  I am to Proverbs 31 and read it all. I even misread some parts, which I think was God speaking to me, that made me feel rather reassured.  I felt God was reassuring me and saying go boldly before for you have my backing and I will make you this virtuous woman. 


Regardless of marital status, I really, really want to be one of those virtuous women that I see around me.  Women who are bold and strong but coated with this peaceful, gentle, diligent spirit.  Women who know who they are and where God is taking them.  Women who face adversity with a rock-solid faith and give a word of counsel to those who need it.   I long to be wise to mentor others in the right path; to care for others in ways in order to meet my own needs but because out of my spiritual strength my hand stays steady and extended. 

I am so going to make a checklist from this and break the passage into tasks and/or concepts that I can apply in practical ways.  It sounds so geeky but I think it's a good idea; periodically I will see how I am molding my character to be a wise, virtuous woman.  When I get married, I want to give my husband the best of me that I can;  and support him in becoming a righteous man.  After learning what a marriage in God is, I can't help to think of what a wonderful journey it must be.  Not an easy journey in a bubble; but a careful, molding journey in a room full of bubbles, where you have to make sure that you burst them all with your actions.  :)  So silly, anyway, you get the point--I hope.  


I want to be a virtuous woman!  And at the risk of sounding arrogant I feel that I have pretty good raw materials to do so.  This older gentleman told me yesterday, "You seem like a woman who was born to be a mother and a wife; always industrious"  I'm not sure if I was born to be a mother or a wife but I know I was born to be a virtuous woman, and through God I will because His promise is to complete the work he started.   :D

I know that You *are* for me...

this song came just when i needed it. a long day, in a long month... where my brokeness is quite reflected. in days like this, i rejoice for God's grace. because if His grace weren't there, i know for sure that i wouldn't be here. oh Lord, forgive my sin. forgive my lack of integrity and my lack of purpose. forgive my lack of trust and my lack of hope; my lack of faith. see the blood of jesus on me that cover those and continue to extend your grace to me even if i sabotage myself everytime you try to do it right. i know you are for me. i will trust your promise. :)

to love or not to love... ultimately, that is the question

Lately, I have been having a very hard time loving someone.  It's like I am genetically predisposed to not love this person.  It's even harder when this person is in a position of authority above me and not only do I have to respect him but as a spiritual authority I have to respect him.  In order for me to respect him, I have to muster some sort of love from somewhere.  However, I'm struggling big time.  He is so clueless of what he does; he is so clueless of what he doesn't do.  I keep asking God to give me love.  I also asked other people who have had issues with him in the past for "indirect" advice. It just isn't working.  It's the most frustrating thing.  The worse part is that he keeps doing things to make it feel like I'm justified.  On the other hand, I have God telling me that I have to respect him; that I have to love him... love him!!! What the heck?  The person stills my joy whenever I see him. It's like an automatic reaction because I always see him as looking for something to benefit himself and that is just wrong.  It's wrong to feel that way because he can't possibly always be looking for some gain. I'm just really hoping that I see some good in him. I know he has it; I'm convinced.  I just don't' see it. 

It's weird when God tells you clearly that you have to love someone even when your very core tells you that you just don't want to.  It's a struggle and God doesn't forget to remind you at moment that He is always right.  He uses other people to do so; he uses your own mind even if your heart is stubborn.  I have prayed, a couple of times, for God to change my heart.  At the same time, I feel that one of the reasons why this is happening is because if I let this person have his way, I'd be taken advantage of.  At the same time, I know I am being taught a lesson here but it's not a very pleasant one.  In any event, I hope that God hears my prayer and allows me to let go of this "caution" which sometimes seems to be turning into resentment.  I do not want to do that because I know this person has good points, and probably even good intentions deep down past his emotional, egotistical needs.  he he. :) Also, I am very afraid that I may internalize some of his habits and reflect things that I find completely not kosher.  I do not want to emulate that aspect of the leadership I see and that worries me constantly.  It's all about love. If I can't love him, even his bad parts, I can't truly appreciate who he is, in his entirety.  Oh, God, please.  Let me develop a deep, filial love for this person so that I can see you through him and see your work in him regardless of what I think of the strategy.  Please, help me be more tolerant of him and his ways.  Please help me see what I'm doing wrong that doesn't allow me to change my feelings.  Please take over and change what needs to be changed.  Please help me love him.

it's been a while...

since i have really liked someone without effort.  guys that i have ended up somewhat liking have been so because after a while i seem analyze them and come to the conclusion that they're all right; or because there's some mystery and i feel like exploring;  or because they have showered me with attention, etc., etc.  however, lately... i have been very happy when i see a particular someone.  i can't control my smile when i see him.  he makes me giggle--sometimes out loud.  the only thing is that i have no clue who this guy is.  he goes to my church and plays an instrument, that's all i know.  i see him there on sundays.  however, i have never had a conversation with him. the only word we exchanged was "thank you," coming from  him as i made a gesture to push the a door i was walking through a bit longer so that the person behind me could also walk through.  the said "'thank you" in a deep voice and when i looked back it was him.  in classic 'moi' fashion i just gave a superficial smile and kept walking.  why? why?  i ask.  anyway, when i came from my DR vacation i was really happy to see him.  i was very, very surprised by that reaction and since then do not know what to do with it.  i obviously like that guy, but why? he's not like drop-dead handsome or anything to produce this. i have no point of reference as to what his character is and/or how he is.  regardless,  i like him, all of the sudden and with no real reason.  this is such a silly crush.

update:  i forgot to mention that he has a girlfriend apparently.  oh, the horror.  anyway, it's a crush not a relationship hijacking. i'm sure it will go away soon.  :) 

I know this trip changed my life...

I know, I know...  It may sound like an exaggeration but I think this trip will have long-lasting ramifications for me.  I’m not sure how but this trip will mark something in my life which I may or may not understand at the moment but I know it will do something.  As I prepared to leave I started to get nervous.  I’m not sure if  it was because of having to pack, and/or waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to oversleep or what, but I was “sobresaltada”.  I realized that my life was not necessarily what I want it to be and that I have to stop this prolonged quasi-adolescence that we have in the US and start living life in a way that show that I have made some progress.  I feel like I’m such a baby compared to people in the DR; people my age and older who have very adult lives and behave like it.  

If I can, I will live there again.  I think I can manage it.  I want to save some money and buy a piece of land in the campo—hopefully near Las Terrenas or something similar.  I would love to retire there if possible. But then, thinking of my friend and her friend, most of their conversations revolved around money and/or people who had it.  I do not want to live that way.  I felt bad for them at times because they just seemed so lost.  They seemed so focused on things of this world and at one point I realized that this is what grace is all about.  The fact that God can extend grace to us even when we choose to be so far away from him and his things just makes it so worthwhile.  I also realized that there’s really nothing I can do to change their hearts.  God has o do that.   However, I was frustrated because I wasn’t sure on what I could do to make the process easier.  I was waiting for an opportunity, an opening of sorts but I never really go one.  I don’t know what I should have done.  I did talk to my friend a bit but that was while driving to breakfast; not very substantial.  We the two nights I was there in the Jacuzzi gazing at the starts.  The second night Ivan made this amazing baked pork loin with a Jack Daniel’s marinade and salad, all with French olive oil from his brother-in-law’s place there, and some pink salt from the Himalayan mountains.  I was like, am I really in the DR?  He also had some really good Riesling.  We ate while watching Andrea Boccelli’s concert in Las Vegas on DVD.  It was just exquisite.  

I would love to live that life, focused on becoming rich and making myself known in with the people that matter so that I can achieve that goal.  However, I can’t.  I can’t just work for money.  I  have to work for something greater otherwise I feel like I’m not doing justice to the life I’ve been gifted.  I don’t want my days to be an endless spiral of strategies to get money and then spend it, or save it.  I want something more.  Unfortunately, I don’t know that there’s more to life than this.  

Las Terrenas & El Portillo

After driving from La Cumbre in Salcedo, we set off for Las Terrenas through the northeast countryside.  We asked for directions a couple of times; not because we were lost but because it seemed we were going nowhwere so it was best to make sure.  Lord! Those roads through the campos are the most jumpy I have ever been to.  Probably Aruba’s rock safari was comparable but not really.  In any event, we finally made it to Nagua and stopped, of course, at Chen’s.  Comedor Chen is this small restaurant facing the beach—a bit far from it, but facing it nonetheless—where this older woman has some of the best food you can eat on the eastern part of the island. We chatted with her and she said she has been there for more than 30 years, which is true because I have always seen that place there and I lived in Nagua when I was five  years old.  She started with a roadside stall and then moved to a better room location paying $70 pesos a month back then.  Then she moved to the current location which was then expanded.  She was so cute and fun to talk to.  We had crab meat in creole sauce, I had claws (muelas) and Wilma meat  (masa) with tostones and a Presidente Light along with a cereza juice.  We also got a side of beans because they made some of the best beans e-ver. 

On our way to Las Terrenas we stopped by my aunt’s house in Sanchez and then met Wilma’s friend, Ivan, to go up the mountain to then go down to our destination.  We drove through the cliffs and raggety roads to finally get to his house.  His wife is in France.  She left that same day to go give birth to their third child.  She is French and he is Dominican.  There’s a lot of French and Italian ex-pats there.  He’s an civil engineer, entrepreneur and previously tourism minister for the region.  His house is beautiful.  It’s simple yet elegant and very practical.  Here’s a picture of one side of the house.  We stayed in the pool house which was very comfortable.  His son Natan is 8 years old and a total riot. I like the kid.  But I liked one of the dogs more.  Lolo, he was my favorite; even if he wouldn’t let us out of the car every night barking and growling at us.  He’s a guard dog but totally cool—in daylight.  :) 

Our first night there we went out to this very nice beachfront place called El Mosquito.  It was the cutest bar with couches facing the water where we sipped on some caipirinhas while listening to the waves in dimed lighting.  It was nice.  There were some Americans next to us but everyone else was European except for some Dominican sanquinpankis accompanying them.  

{Alllow me to clarify what a sanquipanqui is.  Sanquipanquis are people, male or female, gay, straight or both depending on request, that “hang out” with tourist for a nominal fee, i.e. prostitutes.  They are not, however, your typical street corner prostitute.  They may be, but they “hang out” with tourist it seems for longer periods rather than by the hour or night.  They’re kinda like rent-a-boyfriends/gfs for your stay there.  You can totally tell which ones are sanquipanquis by the way they dress and/or the fact that you see a very, very, very dark—usually young—woman with an while European at all the different venues and/or beaches throughout the island. The no. 1 reason why people come to the DR is for its people, according to surveys.  I wonder if it is only for these type of people or just people in gerenal.  They tell me it is the latter but I really don’t think so. }

Anyway, after El Mosquito we headed to the place across the street for some music and possibly dancing.  There was no one there so we headed to another place.  Finally we decided to go into this place where all the locals go.  Well, all the locals in a bar/club on a Sunday night are the sanquis so it was quite surreal.   We were two of about 10 people who were not prostitute-looking folk out of like 50 to 60.   It was so much fun to be there but also so sad.  That must have been and STD breeding ground.  You probably could hardly breathe in there without catching one.  Even sadder was the fact that most of those people were little by little selling their dignity for money.  They were objectifying themselves for money.  They were literally selling their soul for money.  After a while, even with the two drinks I had in me, we left.   It was too much.  When we got home, Lolo, my favorite of the two very scary-looking dogs at the house, would not recognize us so we were trapped in the car for a bit until Ivan came to open the door.  It was hilarious.  We were in the car and the dog would bark/growl which would make us close the windows.