Basho...

この道や

行く人なしに

秋のくれ

Along this road, goes no one, this Autumn eve.

I like this haiku a lot. It's one of the most famous ones by Basho. It has most of the things I like in it: solitude, quiet walks, Autumn evening/sunset...

I have spent the past 2.5 weeks working and around people constantly. I find that I need to have some quiet time for myself and not being able to do it makes things much more complex. Either I have grown used to it, or I was born with an affinity to solitude. Many people confuse solitude with lonliness. However, I mean solitude; the act of being alone but not necessarily lonely. There are moments were I feel lonely and I'm not alone, so I guess loneliness is irrespective of being accompanied by someone or not.

Anyway, I really enjoy my solitude. Maybe that's why I like my room quite a bit. It feels like I can just be and not worry about all that needs to be done. I am a workaholic and that makes me be around people most of the time. I really need to change that. I need to learn to enjoy things without me being involved in the work they entail. Lately I have been trying to say "No" to things that I feel I will not be able to meet and/or enjoy. I am always serving and helping, which is great but sometimes it leaves no time for me to take care of basic things in my life. I wish I had many more hours to devote to whatever comes my way. I want a healthier approach to serving. I need to focus on life/work balance. I think some people overdo it and they're always taking care of themselves, but others, me included, can overdo it the other way around.

In any event, Basho's haiku makes me remember those good moments where all one needs is God's spirit showing you the amazing things around you. An empty road, a beautiful quiet Autumn or Winter eve...

heart.connect.trust.follow

People will not follow a leader they do not trust. People cannot trust a leader they can't connect with. And people can't connect with a leader with whom they can't find their heart.

Dan Reiland

amistad

recientemente me reencontré con una amiga la cual tenía mucho de no ver. hay personas en este mundo que no necesitan ser vistas todo el tiempo. ella, becca, es así. con verla una vez cada 3 o 4 años es suficiente. es como si el tiempo con ella es de tanta y tanta calidad que me surte para rato. en este momento ella vive en virginia y está planeando su boda. hay novias que te cansan con hablar de la boda, el vestido, la comida, la música, el lugar... ella no. la boda es en septiembre y tiene el lugar, la DJ, y el rabino. lo de más falta pero ella va muy campante y sonante. la gente le está diciendo que se apure y parece estar volviéndose un poco más ansiosa pero no una bridezilla. eso me gusta. becca tiene una naturaleza calmada y apaciente. nos conocimos en una agencia donde trabajábamos y hemos sido amigas desde entonces. creo que seremos amigas por mucho tiempo; ese es mi deseo.

los dos días que pase en su casa--casi literalmente--los pasamos conversando. nevó mucho en virginia los días que estuve allí así que no hubo mucho que hacer. pero aun así me disfrute mucho la visita. también conocí a su prometido rick. es un chico muy amable de ascendencia Taiwanesa que está estudiando español. me parecen una pareja muy acoplada y bonita. pero volviendo a becca. hay personas que te traen una sonrisa sin mucho esfuerzo. ella me parece así. con becca no se siente miedo. con becca no se siente presión. con becca no se siente una acorralada. con becca no se siente que algo falta. así es becca. no es mucho lo que haga o diga, sino lo que hace sentir. a mí me gustaría ser mas como ella, pero cada una tiene lo suyo. lo que si se es que hay amistades donde las cosas se dan. donde no hay peleas, tareas, estándares, ni cambios drásticos por hacer. esas amistades son un refugio. creo que necesitaba ver a becca y no lo sabía. necesitaba uno de esos amigos donde las cosas son orgánicas y una no tiene que hacer malabares para poder compartir trivialmente con el otro.

hasta hace poco me he sentido que una de mis amistades es así. todo es trabajo; todo es estructura; todo es mejoramiento personal para poder acoplarse. no creo que la amistad tenga de ser así. sin embargo elijo ser amiga de esta persona y eso también tiene su lugar. es importante retarse de vez en cuando. de todos modos, creo que voy a tener que escribir mi filosofía de amistad y presentarla a mis futuros amigos. decir, "bueno, esto es lo que yo creo que debe ser una amistad. crees que puedes acoplarte a ello?" para mí eso suena ridículo. una amistad es diferente a todas las demás. los matices que una relación tiene con alguien no pueden ser copiados para otra. cada lio tiene sus propios nudos. así me gusta la amistad: distintiva, singular, orgánica y sin restricción. creo que en este mundo moderno complicamos nuestras relaciones interpersonales demasiado. nos creemos saber demasiado y luego nos jodemos. yo quiero mi amistad como un bueno jugo de frutas, mientras más natural y con menos aditivos mejor. ahhh...

Lifeboat

I found this poem that I wrote a while back. I don't really remember why I wrote it. However, I think I remember who it is about. One of my extended family members who at that time I thought was very selfish. It's interesting how time passes and you find yourself changed. I still think this person is selfish to some extent. On the other hand, so am I.

Lifeboat

I’m drowning, sinking deep into a drop of ink
I’m drowning in a sea of people
In an ocean of noises
In a delta of tears

I’m drowning and the palm of your hand closes
Instead of reaching out to my direction
Like a reflex you pull in towards yourself

I’m drowning but my screams are ignored
You turn around to your happy world
You look for refuge while I’m out in the cold

I’m drowning and you complain
Why must my misery ruin your day?
Maybe if I had not let go so soon now I wouldn’t be screwed, uh?

I’m drowning and you point your finger
You don’t stretch out your arm
Deceit, anger, hate, resentment all combined
From me to you, from yours to mine

I sleep on cardboard that makes me happy
It’s what I want, I just don’t care
I look at you, you look at me and see nothing
A blank stare

I’m drowning
In the puddle of my dreams
On the canvas of my hope... I'm gone.

You’re drowning now, you’re screaming now
You’re thinking now, you’re crying now
Had you stretched out your arm,
Had you given me the palm of your hand,
Had I not drowned…maybe you could have been saved?

Oh, you’re screwed now
I guess destiny just ruined your day

conference, conference, conference

oh boy. I have been in Arlington, VA for a conference for work. it's pretty much the final conference that i'm going to from our funder, the Federeal gov't. the funding from for my program has been pulled. not very happy with Mr. Obama on that right now. it's pretty much the first thing he pulled. abstinence education is out the window unless some things miraculously change. but i'm not anxious. i'm sure God will do something. He's done it in the past, and will definitely do it now.

anyway, the conference is interesting because most people take any moment to vent for the situation. it was crazy. conferences for work are just so interesting. i'm also stuck with my boss, which is ok but sometimes it is draining. i feel like i'm with a giant child of sorts. we're talking with people and he forgets really key things like comments he had made and/or information they had told him--where they're from, what they do, etc. i really do not know how he does fundraising and relationship building when he is so forgetful. jeesh. it's really interesting. i find myself trying to cover a blunder here and there but i also feel it's not my job to be his social police. i have pretty much had bfast, lunch and dinner with him for the past three days, except for a one night when i decided to do room service. it is so funny. it has been draining on both the conference side and the post-conference hours.

in any event, Wednesday night was hilarious though. we went to McCormick & Smick's for dinner. it was the two Luis, Francisco-Javier-Giovanni, my boss, Sarai, Larisa, our Boston program partner, Los and our waiter Ramzi. we sat at a huge table in the back. Luis had talked to the manager the night before so we were a very VIP table and service. we played the capitals of the world game--boys vs. girls. at one point Los goes, "Did you know that Haiti and the DR share the same island?" everyone was laughing hysterically. Los was very serious and thought he had a vital piece of new information. As Los asked, "Y'all knew that?" Luis answered, "That's 'cause they went to school dog!" Poor Los. It was too funny. To redeem himself, later that night Los created a sculpture with pepper shaker, two large glasses, two toothpicks and two forks. basically the toothpicks were holding the forks as they were suspended on top of the pepper shaker. the manager, the waiters, and the rest of the crew were taking pictures of the thing. it was hilarious. that was the highlight of my time here. it's over tomorrow so it's cool. i'm hanging out with Becca for the weekend so i'm looking forward to it. it's been a while since we saw each other. i'm excited!

anyway, after being in this people-intense week i feel like i need a breather and will just crash at home as soon as I can to watch my little korean dramas--alone.

a crazy God... that's what He is.

Sunday at church my boss, and associate pastor, was preaching about Emmanuel. he was going down the different aspects of the phrase "God in/among/with us" which is what the name means. he talked about Jesus being in us, as in inside of a person's heart, soul and body through the Holy Spirit. then he talked about God in us, as in God encouraging us and being "in" on it with us all the way. the part that i have been thinking about was the one about God among us, as in when Jesus became flesh and came to earth. it must have been so mind boggling for Jesus to come down to earth and take on all the human #$%^@ around this place and just be. i can't imagine that. in his sermon, the pastor mentioned how God wants to be our friend. he wants to be our friend and loves us so badly that he send His son to become human and die for us. to me that is a crazy, yes, c-r-a-z-y God. how can He possibly want to be with us so much? how can He possibly love us so? it's just so amazing that God wants to be my friend. He wants me to tell Him all the things that matter to me. He wants to matter to me too. and it's not because He can't find other friends--heck, if he wanted He could created Himself a few billion friends--but because i am important to Him. i have been thinking about those words not because they were majorly deep but because they were sent for my heart. there was a sense of "ah..." in my mind and heart at that moment. out of the whole sermon the only thing that I could think about was, "God wants to be my friend." boy, i am dying to be God's true friend. i have this hunger to be in perfect xyztpslovwrism with God. yeh, i know that's not a real word. but i just don't know how to describe it; i don't think that i can. there's this overwhelming need, inclination, thirst, sense of wonder, etc. to know Him, sense Him, know when He speaks to me, when He tells me to do or not do. sometimes it's tiring; sometimes invigorating. anyway, the bottom line is that He, He, He! wants to be my friend 1,000,000x than i wan to be His. to me that's just crazy. only a crazy being would want to be friends with me. only a crazy being would be His most precious treasure for me... to be my friend. geeshh, all He had to do was invite me to a good dinner. you can easily win me over with good food. nah, I know that wouldn't be enough but it's just hard to comprehend why God would go to such lengths to be able to be my friend. every time i think of it, it gets more complicated. but the only thing I know is that He is my friend, my father, my Savior, my all. i can call on Him anytime and He's always there. i can talk to Him about anything and He listens and cares. i can love him all i can and know that He loves me back so much more. there's no fear of getting hurt or betrayed; there's no fear of not being good enough; there's no fear of Him leaving me or changing all of the sudden; there's no fear of Him misunderstanding; there's no fear of Him getting bored or Him getting angry to the point that He won't speak to me again; there's no fear. He's just crazy that way. I love Him for it, and the best part is that He loves me. crazy, I tell ya. crazy.

Merry Christmas!

wow. it's Christmas! i like this time of the year. i've grown to like it. i spent Nochebuena with Yajaira's family and my family. i kept driving back and forth between the two houses. it's was quite a feast. they also had a yankee swap which was nice. i got a big candle which came in handy last night to make my room less stuffy. it as a Y's brother's new home. the usual suspects were there plus a couple of people from our host's side. a bit abnoxious little guy with his wife but overall seemingly nice people. i had fun. however, right before heading out north for the dinner i decided to go on a little adventure; i.e. go get a xmas tree. yep. Christmas Eve at 5:00pm and I'm looking for a tree. finally i stopped at the flower place in union square an got a tree. it was $25 and it's not bad looking. a hispanic guy working there helped me put it in my trunk--yes, my little VW jetta trunk--and i drove home with a big smile on my face. i think i pulled a back muscle trying to get it out of the car but finally it worked. i hauled it up the stairs and decorated it, if i can call it that. i forgot that we only had like 4 ornaments left along with the lights. so, the tree has lights, 4 bolitas, 2 tamboritas--that my mom gave me after the fact--lots of randome ribbons i found in the house, and the netting that it came wrapped in as a tree trunk covering. neat, uh?

my brother asked if he could sleep here last night becuase he was going to do some stuff with his girlfriend in the morning. after he left i've spent all day on the couch watching old BBC movies. i really like those Jane Austen-ish type movies. it's ridiculous how many of those I can see or books i can read on them. i made japanese style curry rice and opened a bottle of wine. intermittently i keep thinking of the current mr. wrong... well, he's not wrong, i guess he's just "mr. can't-be." love is so obsessive and i can't describe how frustrated i am for like this guy. even if he were madly in love with me--which I can't guarantee he is--i would not be able to compromise my beliefs and everything i hold dear to be with him. it seems like i'd have to really be in an unbalance relationship where i know that the number one thing in my life--God--is not even a consideration in his mind. then why, after knowing that, do i continue to have him engraved in my brain? why then do i long to have him close and share my xmas with him and his dorky self? i don't get it. i have been fighting with myself for the past couple of weeks because i really do not want to think of this guy. i do not want him to creep up in my thoughts or anything closely to him to contaminate my life. the more i try, the worse it gets. it's tiring. it's frustrating. i just want him to go away. i just want him to leave me alone. i just want his lack of attention to not bother me. i don't want the fact that we are completely opposite culturally, racially, religiously, professionally, etc. to bother me. i don't want the fact that his friends seem like people that i'd never be able to connect with not to bother me. i don't want to want to be part of his life. i don't want to want to cook for him and be there when he's tired or sad. i do not want to meet the darn dog he keeps saying is really cute and that i'd like a lot. i don't want any of this... yet it's here. and this is how poisonous it is that i am here having a nice Christmas Day all fine and suddenly i find myself blogging about him. why?!

i just want to be free from this. i just want to be able to leave this darn limbo of wanting and being and knowing i can't. it's ridiculous. but anyway. i'll be fine. i feel better. i texted a friend in NY to see if he was around to vent but then i realized that i have to deal with this on my own and sort out these thoughts myself. no one can really help me get over this.

but you know what's kinda crazy? that even in the mist of all this frustration i still feel this sort of joy within me. i think this is what people talk about when they say that God gives you joy even in the craziest of situations. i feel happy but i'm sulking on mr. can't-be. that doesn't make sense, don't it? i also just feel elated for the season. the fact that Jesus was born and died for me and that at this very moment I get to celebrate his birthday--even if it really wasn't this time of year, etc., etc. i'm happy. i feel blessed and i can't explain why. it's just an amazing feeling of security and peace and joy. the more i think about it the more i can't explain it and the more i conclude that i'm nuts. :) i love it. anyway, merry Christmas! i guess this is the meaning of the season, inexplicable, crazy joy that the Father has blessed us with through the Son so that we can blog about it to random people, family and friends. God definitely has a sense of humor. xoxo

新幹線 ｗｏｏｏｈｏｏｏ！

I got to ride the Shinkansen (bullet train) today from Tokyo to Odawara so that we could go to Hakkone--with an overnight stay--and then Osaka. Those things are the best, the best, I tell ya. On the way to Osaka I found myself totally drooling off. It was so comfortable; the rocking motion, the repeating sound of the tracks. While waiting on the platform you can see the express trains pass though and you can’t even focus on anything because the most you can see is a blue line passing by. I loved it!

Japan -- day 2

Fun, fun, fun! Poor Dan is going to end up killing me at the end of this trip. We got at about 4am to check and checked emails etc.--I got to Gchat with Ivie over the Internet. Then we went back to bed and woke up late so we asked the hotel staff to extend our check out time by an hour, well, Dan did. We have had to change hotel rooms about 3 times because when i made the reservation not all suites were available. But the hotel is good; affordable, clean and relatively well located. Anyway, finally we got out and walked about towards the business supplies district which is close to Kaminarimon. We had breakfast at a cafe where I had pretty good pancakes and a coffee. I'm drinking a lot of coffee here. I'm not sure why. Finally we made it to Asakusa/Kaminarimon. I'm not taking as many pictures as I thought I would so I'm not sure if I'm just not noticing as many things of if I'm just not excited about what I've seen so far. It's interesting.

Ok, so we then walked all over that place and all the little souvenir shops, etc. I saw some devout buddihst people at the temples. It was interesting. Japan really needs God.

We all hit Ueno park and the area around it. It's a nice park and lots of people take advantage of it. Many cute dogs. We bought a charcoal baked sweet potato and that was delicious. It was funny to see us eat it because it was very hot and we both sounded like developmentally challenged people make incoherent sounds and opening our mouths to let the steam come out. It was fun.

We walked to the hotel and rested a bit to then head out to Roppongi where I wanted to go to this place called Cafe Latino. I really wanted to see what the Salsa scene is like in Tokyo but I have to say it was quite a disappointment. Well, first we couldn't find it because it was tucked in on a side stree somewhere. We stopped at an English Pub to have a beer while I sulked on the fact that we walked up and down the street about 3times and didn't find the place. Finally, Dan found it and I was happy. It was fun but not that good. There was one older Dominican staff member at the Club that was very nice, from La Vega; everybody else was Peruvian, it seemed. I also danced with this guy named Ali who is from Dubai and is half Puerto Rican. He was very nice and works for some medical company here. He got me this really good drink which I forgot the name of but it was tequila and Baileys I think. Really yummy. Dan and I stayed there there until about 5am so that we could catch the train back rather than pay a gazillion dollars for a cab ride. Actually, I kinda forced him to stay there. Poor guy, I feel like I should give him a break and let him have some time to himself. I take forever to get ready in comparison to him, I'm totally indecisive when it comes to where to eat and/or what to do. I hope he's having at least an interesting time. Back to the Roppongi scene, it's full of foreigners all the time and drunk-ish people at 5am. We got on the train to head home. I feel like some people really stare at non-japanese. It's kinda funny to see people look at you and turn away when you look at them. I have gotten some smiles but not major conversations or connections with anyone. I hope that Osaka is better since people seem to be more gregarious than Tokyo folk.

Well, I'm going to go back to bed now given that it's 1.50am. I'll talk more about stuff as I remember. Nite!

Japan.... flight & day 1

The flight to Japan was very good. Not much turbulence so my PTSD from Spain did not kick in. It was amazing flying over Alaska. Mount McKinley was just gorgeous and I felt that it was too much to take in. God is amazing in his creation. For a moment there I had the reliazation that I really didnt believe that He is the creator because my head could not really grasp the vastness of it. It was just so crazy to fly over that strech of land and see all the snow-covered mountains, the ravines with clouds/fog in them, and the places where the avalanches had taken place. wow! I couldnt believe it.

After I got to the airport I waited for my friend Dan to get here from the West Coast. While I was waiting, I stood towards the entrance. All of the sudden this group of old Japanese folk was being gathered around me. It seemed that they were coming from a tour and the guide--with the green flag waving in the air--was calling them to that location. There I was, the only none 70+ person or Japanese person of the group. It was hilarious. If someone looked, it would seem to them that I was really misplaced. Or very adventurous to be a guide for such a group. It was funny! Finally my friend Dan found me and we started our trip to the hotel, may I add it was during RUSH HOUR! WITH BIG SUITCASE! Wow. I felt like I was the clumsiest of persons and the only one not wearing a black suit. ;D After checking-in we went out to get some food. I decided on a beef donburi at this place. It was really good. $5 bucks for miso soup, salad and a bowl of rice with minced meat & scallions on top, plus a raw egg yolk. They give you a little egg yolk separator and you can use yourself. At one point we were laughing because Dan pressed a button on the table that happened to be a `waitress-call` button so the girl just looked at us and laughed after realizing that it was a mistake. It was funny. We`re staying near the Ueno Park area so Im looking forward to exploring more.

Anyway, its about 4.30am and I woke up to check my email. I have to go back to bed or I will look like hell all day. Bye!

この道や

ゆく人なしに

秋の暮れ

芭蕉

Manu Chau tribute? or insult?

last night we went to Clandestino for a Manu Chau tribute night. it wasn't that good. first of all, finding parking in Central Square is a hassle. then after about a half hour of searching up and down--even Green St. garage was full--all i had to say was, "Lord, please give me a parking space!" and literally, 10 seconds later, I see a perfect, free spot. Isn't my God amazing? So... i had to wait in line about 30-45 mins in the cold while my friends were all inside. i should have gotten there earlier but who gets a to a venue before 9:30pm. it's ridiculous. i met this girl Norwegian-American who had just come from surfing in Costa Rica for two months and had gone to Middlebury for grad school in Spanish. Midd is such a small school but pretty spread. it was funny. we talked for a while and then once in we went separate ways. she didn't come across as too genuine but she was nice enough to chat with while in line. :D i finally made it in and foun Ivi, Rolis, Ivi's 5 girlfriends, Pablo--Pedro's friend, Pedro, Osvaldo and Eliza + two girlfriends. It was an interesting bunch of people all of whom didn't necessarily know each other but came together through one particular friend, etc. i love those kind of random composition groups.

the tribute to Manu Chau was not good. the band wasn't bad, bad per se but it's not their thing it seems. the Turkish trombone player was sexy. Eliza was there with two other girls. they would not stop kissing throughout the whole night. it's not the fact that they were a lesbian couple that may it a bit uneasy but that any time you'd look their way, they'd be in each other's faces. it was hilarious.

after the thing was over we went to Pinocchio's in Harvard Square. that place is crazy on the weekends after 1am. all the college kids go there for pizza and they're all drunk. what a sight! the future power brokers of American. he he. I gave a ride to Ivi & Rolis to their respective places. i got to drive in the rain at 3am while listening to Yael Naim. it was pretty nice. no one in the streets--hardly--and the music blasting. i wish i could do that more often.

se ha confundido el cielo y en Octubre le ha dado por nevar...

mi cámara solo pide un poco más de otoño. hace una semana fuimos a las montañas blancas en New Hampshire. la pasamos bien con mucha risa, friito y mucho color.

God works in mysterious ways indeed...

the last couple of days have been quite tumultuous for me. i found an excerpt from something that my father had written published in a blog from his hometown so i proceeded to email the gentleman in charge of the blog to ask him for the title of the book, etc. he turned out to give me quite a bit of information on my father and also suggested i contact another gentleman there who apparently was quite close to him. the first gentleman, Mr. Mendez, sent me a poem that my father had written as well as other biographical blurbs that he had. i also wrote to the other friend, Dr. de Leon, and he just wrote me back today with the most amazing email. it was quite anecdotal and uplifting in a way i didn't expect.

going back a bit, Saturday I was quite sad because of my new findings, specifically the fact that my father could have suffered from a mental illness of sorts--which i speculate may have caused his demise. i woke up late and stayed in bed on my computer until about 7pm that night when i decided to join some friends for a gathering they had. it was a nice time of fellowship and good conversation. on Sunday, i was intent on surrendering my discomfort to God and just letting him heal that which was upsetting my heart. i went up to the pulpit and knelt down. my tears flowed rather copiously, and I was almost concerned that I'd look like a raccoon once i got up because my mascara must've been having quite a slide. by the way, i didn't look like a raccoon. the interesting thing is that while Pastor Roberto was speaking and ministering he said something to the effect of , "do not dwell in the past. do not ponder on what you had or didn't; lo que te quitaron o no te dieron, etc." this was pretty in tune with what i was feeling. then he said, "el tiempo de luto paso" says the Lord. that was quite liberating. God was speaking to my heart through the Pastor and was listening to my tears and anguish. i felt like i wasn't alone. how amazing, no?

i feel that my heart has been healed in a way i didn't expect. i am sad, yes, but it's not an unhealthy sadness. it's a sort of catharsis. i am looking forward to what will come from this and also to knowing more about who my father was. i feel like i'm getting to know him better as a person. to me that is more valuable, it's more real.

the search continues

It is close to 2am and I'm on the Internet looking for information about my father's writings. I do not know why I'm so determined to find his literary work even when I know how painful it is. I keep trying to find the things he wrote and get a glimpse of who he was as a person. It's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't think, but yet I feel the need to just get this chapter closed and the only way I think I can is by learning more about him to the point where I can say I can be at peace. This is so puzzling. I hope I do find something, or eventually visit his grave. I can't sort out my feelings well but I hope God heals this part of my history eventually. It's sad that I wasn't able to choose to know my father more. I was taken away and shielded from him in a way--either intentionally or not--and that has really impacted my life. I wish he were alive; I have so many questions.

surprise slow kiss

i'm craving one of those. the type of kiss that you don't really expect but that once you receive it, it just makes you want that moment to be frozen in time and stay like that forever. slow, tender, passionate yet gentle kinda kiss. the kiss where your lips are barely touching but every time they do it sends a bit of an electric shot to your stomach. a warm, long kiss. they're better in the fall, and even better if you're not expecting it.

mom

today is my mother's birthday. i called this morning--at about 8am--to wish her a happy birthday. for some reason as i spoke i started crying and she did too. i guess that some people have a secret code where they understand why others feel the way they do and one is not required to explain it. i feel very fortunate to have the mother i have. she has always been so caring and loves me with a love that i consider pretty unconditional. i remember when i was younger i used to not love my mother as much. i loved my grandmother blindly and my mom knew that. as i grew older those roles changed and i feel like my mother is one of those amazing beings that i will always love.

i remember when i was young and she used to bring me a candy after work, every single day. she would always have something for me. sometimes she would stop at the libreria (stationery store) and buy a trinket for me. she was a working single mother for the first 4 years of my life. my father lived in another city and they were not together. she always made sure i was taken care of. with school, she was always very mindful and helped me with homework even if she was tired from working in an office all day. she would help me with the homework and the next day I'd beam with joy because i knew that i had the best answers. when the teacher called on me to answer i was always on point. they all loved me. thanks to my mother i was always the teacher's pet, he he. i remember that the first day of school was really fun for me. mom would take me to the bookstore to get my books and then we'd buy book covers with the Looney Toones characters to cover them. we would spend most of the afternoon doing that. she would teach me how to do it and my books were always the bomb. those were the days.

my mom was a very hardworking woman, and still is. she always inspired me to do better and gave me the freedom + independence to make my own choices even at an early age. i am very grateful to God for the mother He gave me. i hope that when i become a mother one day i can be as good as my mother has been.

[sigh]...

i am in love with this man's smile. heck, with his smile, and the total sum of his parts. i can't stop watching his soap operas--i know, it's sad. i even want to learn Korean just to make sure i understand what he's saying. i regret not having been born a super hot Korean actress so that i can smooch with him and launch my master plan to chain him to me for like forever. life is so unfair.

usually my screen crushes just last about a month but i can't help loving Gong Yoo a bit longer than your average hearthrob. i just can't. he's currently doing he's military training with the Korean army. i hope it ends soon so that i can have a new drama to watch. :D

Aruba... day 2

after our long night at crappy Chino Latino we woke up and headed straight to town in search of a supermarket. we found the area where supermarkets are but first we make a stop at the flea market. we found lots of touristy trinkets and stuff that we didn't buy. it wasn't an impressive flea market but here are some pictures.

the guy with the chicken had enough to feed the whole island. there was a lot of bird on that grill. the funniest thing is that the fire truck was parked right across the street with its radio blasting and all the smoke and chicken aroma heading its way. had someone just been looking at the scene out of context it would have been hilarious.

these little dolls were cute but the Haitian ladies selling them were not as nice. i tried on a hat and the woman was insisting that it looked fine when i knew that i looked awful in it.

"Mr. G.I. Joe" took his surveillance job very seriously. doesn't he look it? i thought so. he wouldn't take those darn sunglasses off. it's like he's an overseas vampire. once the trip the glasses come on as soon as sunlight hits. he he.

anyway, afterwards we went to the hotel suite to make ourselves some yummy sandwiches and headed to the beach. Bianni rented a jet ski while i sun bathed in the sun chatting it up with the jet ski dude. it was so relaxing. Evelyn & Santi's welcome dinner was later that night so we had to go to the hotel and get ready for it. it was quite nice. i got to it a bit late but didn't miss much since they were rehearsing the wedding ceremony and stuff. i was really, really happy to see Alainie there. i love Alainie. she's just so cool and easygoing. one doesn't have to worry much when around her. her genuineness and carefreeness is just so liberating. i'm glad we got to live together. anyway, i digress. i'll pause here and continue later. :D

Aruba.... day 1

so... Bianni and I got to Aruba late this evening--barely. in Atlanta, we started walking around the food court trying to decide what to eat and make it to the gate about 5 minutes before departure. we were so close to the gate that we thought we'd hear when they were calling people to board. the nice Delta crew yelled at us and finally we made it onto the place. i kept being afraid every time the plane took a dip and he kept making fun of me. not a very nice travel buddy when one is scared. we got to the airport. it's a nice, clean airport in Oranjestad. we went to the car rental place and the lady there was not too friendly. then she said she was Dominican too but had been in Aruba for 15+ years. she was very nice at the end and I asked her if she knew of a church to which she said yes and told me where her church was since she's herself an evangelical christian. we got a tiny car, completely different from what we had reserved. anyway, it was fun to drive to the hotel. i drove. roads in Aruba are very clear and signaling is quite easy to follow. we had a bit of a hard time finding hotel without a clear map, but we got there eventually. the hotel was ok. nothing out of this world but comfortable and clean. there's a good pool but we're not on the beach. after settling in, we headed out. Chino Latino's fusion food sucks. please do not go there. the music was Ok. nothing to die for though. the crowd was interesting. i mix of tourist and locals.

there was this guy that looked kinda sad the whole time--i think he was just trying to be sexy. :D after i saw him smile and dance a bit i told him that i was glad to see him do so because all night he looked like he wasn't enjoying himself. he laughed.

we walked back to our hotel and had a super crappy sandwich that they sold there. tomorrow, there's no way that we're not going to the supermarket. we have a kitchen in our room for peter's sake. there's not need to eat moldy bread.

it was a good first day in Aruba. i'm looking forward to the rest of the trip. day 2 is coming later...

clean bill of health & absentminded male nurse

i went for a complete physical today. it was the quickest physical ever. my goodness. i felt like i was being interrogated by a KGB agent or something--my doc is Russian. my cholesterol is "perfect" she said. everything is pretty much good except for the fact that i need to lose weight. i need to get on it.

prior to meeting with the doc i was weighed, measured and ushered into the examination room by a nurse or medical assistant of sorts. his name was Addil or something like that. it is the first time i have a male nurse at the doc's office. usually they are all females. he was funny. when he came to get me i was in the middle of a text so i apologized for texting and walking but i had to finish it. as he weighed me i was texting. then when he went to measure my height he hit my head with the little measuring bar. it was really funny. he then asked all the routine questions including, "when was your last menstrual period, with an specific date please?" and "if you are sexually active, is your partner usually male or female?" he clarified that he has to ask these questions to everyone. i guess my facial expression was like, "uh?" he took my blood pressure and it was low, so he asked, is it usually like that? to which i answered no. he left the room and said nothing else. then came back to tell me to change in to a Johnnie and that he had forgotten. :D

after the examination i was instructed to go back to the front desk by the doc. he was there. i gave him the paperwork and a tube. he was to take the little glass container and put a label on it--from the ones on the sheet of paper--and send me on my way to the lab for blood work. he took the tube and sent me on my way. as i was going down the stairs he came running asking for one of the labels on the sheet, which he had forgotten. i don't know if it was his first day or he was distracted, but i'm glad he's a medical office assistant and not a surgeon or other possibly lethal role in that building that can really mess things up. he was funny and nice but i don't know that i want him--and his forgetfulness--to take care of me anytime soon. :D

white sand beaches, papiamento, butterfly farm... here i come!

i am going to Aruba this weekend for my friend/ex-housemate's wedding. can't wait to explore that island. i am really looking forward to being there for the wedding as well as taking a break--albeit short--to relax and reflect. i am hoping to do nothing expect enjoy the beach and decompress. my friend Bianni is coming with me and i'm really hoping that he won't want to do everything under the sun in a mere two days. it's funny how the prospect of an escape can really alter your mood and reality. it's all i can think of. in any case.

i am missing a couple of things this weekend but it's all worth it. i will be in Aruba! hello me? i am thinking that i should have taken a longer vacation rather than 5 days but it'll be all good. a weekend is good enough, no? i just need some time to think and ponder life's biggest questions as i sip a piñita coladita looking at the clear aquamarine waters of the beautiful beaches in Aruba. i'm totally ♥ing it already. :D

on another note, i was reading up a bit on demonology. don't know why i was drawn to the topic--that's how bad my procrastination is. it is quite intriguing and scary at the same time. we know so little about these forces that pretty influence our whole existence on an everyday basis. on the other hand, i feel so relieved that i have nothing to fear against these beings because i am completely cover and cleansed by the blood of Jesus. not to say that i shouldn't acknowledge what they are and their power but i also know that He who is in me has overcome all of them together once and for all. that sense of relief and protection is the best feeling ever. knowing that i do not have to worry and that God cares for me and my well being enough to protect me is amazing. i feel so blessed and love right now. it is funny how a bit of curiosity can take a person thru so many different emotions in a span of a half hour.

¡no hay cosa más engañosa que el corazón!

i love it. so the old friend that i was confused about--whether i liked him or not--is no longer an issue. i don't know why but ever since i was commanded with the task for finding him a girlfriend i no longer feel drawn towards him. maybe because i realized that most of the time he was spending and stuff he was doing while i was visiting NY were not directed to me but to the female friend i was with. how awesome is that? it sounds a bit weird and lame that i am rejoicing that he didn't really care about me but it is quite liberating. i guess i know have no reason to like him or be confused. i am free!

some things i learned today...

-it is easy to oversleep when one goes to bed very late the night before;

-apricot danish at Mariposa Bakery is totally delicious;

- planning a trip to India takes a lot of work;

- having a friend who plans the trip to India is pretty awesome;

-the map/travel store in Harvard Square doesn't have a very visible Caribbean section;

-Berk's shoe store doesn't have as many cool shoes as it used to;

- a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning is perfect breeding ground for clumsy Harvard tourists;

-some women should not wear certain dresses;

-Ito En pear white green tea is pretty good;

-the Japonaise bakery in Porter Sq. now has ice cream?! coconut ice cream??!!;

-the word subungual, and how not to tell it to an Emergency Room operator;

-never, ever, leave your house in a hurry and try to strap your sandals while sitting on an old porch that's prone to give you a kickass subungual splinter;

-Facebook friends can give you pretty good advice on removing splinters;

-this hurts:

-splitting your nail with scissors and then removing a piece of old wood with needle & tweezers is not as cool when you're doing it as when you're blogging about it;

-watermelon can be a good pretend-anesthesia; AND

- i finger with splinter-free nail is a happy finger. :D

日本！日本！日本！

i just booked a flight to Japan! yeeepeeeee! i am so excited. i will be there for the Thanksgiving break. i have not been there in 10 years and i'm really looking forward to it. let the good trip-planning times begin. :D 本当に楽しみにしています。でも、行く前にすごい練習しなきゃ。頑張ります！

it's funny to run into someone from your recent past and be in a somewhat uncomfortable situation. i went to a friend's house and ran into my old make-out buddy. he is too funny and weird, and cute. had this been a different time... i love those kinds of moments where in a second you're like, "shoot, can i just run?" given that my life is at a completely different place, him being there reminded me of moments that i now look back at and wonder if i'd change them if i could. as we talked, his playfulness with my pointy shoe and knee was just so endearing in a way. there he was, telling me about how he's into bunging jumping + other extreme sports. i love his summer freckles. life has an interesting way of reminding you of things. at the end as he was leaving he asked, "so you're not back until the 28th, uh? que pena." i'm going to Aruba for next week.

i want to buy a house somewhere so that i can--in no particular order of importance...

+ have a kickass flower-veggie garden to plant in Spring & Summer

+ build a (handmade) barbacoa pit and clay pizza oven in the backyard

+ walk around naked whenever i want

+ invite people over for dinner parties without major scheduling planning

+ paint the walls with crazy colors

+ have a super-sweet laundry room where i can dump stuff instead of my room

+ finally buy the platform bed i want without worrying about having to move

and the pain it would be to move it

+ not do the dishes for weeks without having to worry about it--not that i do now, anyway

+ have french doors in my room--provided that it can withstand remodeling for it

+ have planters by the windwos and herbs by the sink window to use in cooking

+ go crazy baking stuff all the time without worrying about my roommates paying for gas

+ have a sense of freedom to do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. :D

los por ques de hoy

it's weird when you want someone to give you their undivided attention but they don't. when you want them so have eyes just for you but they don't. when you crave for them their every thought to be linked to you. when you feel jealous if they seem to gravitate towards someone or something else. when you want them to suffer because you know that when they are in pain they look for you. when you want them to genuinely be happy but in their heart there is always a space for happiness just with you. when they are your accomplice and they follow your instructions to the t even if they don't know it. when they long for you and let you know of it without words. it is weird when you don't have any words that give you any of that which you most crave from one particular being on this earth. even when you know that you don't want to, nor would consider being in a relationship with them, you're still selfish enough to want to have them next to you wanting to convince you otherwise.

i hate facing the fact that i may not be such a nice person as i would like to think. that i have really murky feelings that center completely around me and are pretty mean/evil in nature. why make someone love you--as if i could--or better said, why have the desire of someone to love you when you may never, never allow yourself to truly love them back. why want to drag someone into a never-ending battle when you know that at the end, their efforts will not lead to victory? i confuse myself. i want to have control of those not-so-clear feelings and can't. it is very disempowering. why? why is that? why is it so complicated--or i make it so? why am i so burden by this? why can't i just let it go? why do i have this obsession? i have no idea, but i wish i could. that way i'd know the source of it and hopefully be able to kill it once and for all. sigh.

friend crush

after a long interpretation this Sunday at church--we had a guest preacher that really was all over the place--i went with my friend Ivette for food in JP. i was craving Dominican style crab meat with tostones. unfortunately, i couldn't find any. we decided on some Cuban food at this mediocre joint in JP. as we walked in we ran into one of the guys from church. he is a quiet-looking guy who is part of the young adults group. we sat with him as he finished his food and stayed there for almost an hour? not sure. we laughed a lot. i think i have a friend-crush on him. like the equivalent of a man-crush but for a girl. i am not talking about a romantic crush but more the likes of a guy friend kinda of crush. i think he would be a great guy to have as a friend. he is really cool. he isn't pretentious and very humble in his ways it seems. he is also funny and seems pretty balanced when it comes to his ego. i feel like asking him out for some activity or something but the thought feels weird. i've never asked a guy out on a play date.

why is it that adults can't be like when we were little kids? when you were able to just ask people to be your friends; when harassing your peers a little wasn't abnormal--harass as in wanting to play with them and having your intentions/feelings clearly displayed without having to be cool. sometimes i wish i were like that still. when i had the freedom to do that. although i don't really recall ever being too clingy. if i remember correctly, i think i have mostly been this way since i can remember.

i really shouldn't drive when i'm tired

i left work probably about a 1/2hr ago--yah, i know, lame, specially on a friday night. anyway, on my way i was just a really, really horrible driver. i was trying to find my cell phone to call a restaurant near my house for takeout. that was slowing me down. then i finally zoomed thru the tunnel and sped off to my exit like no one else was around. i proceeded to cut some people off while attempting to make a light that I knew was going to be red by the time i got there. i slammed on my breaks. luckily, i drive a stick shift so it is a lot easier--and less noisy--to break frantically. i then proceeded to pull the clutch too quickly and the car turned off. no worries. i sped off and took a shortcut to get to the restaurant on time. the shortcut was a one way street in which i was driving the opposite way after i cut off a cabbie that was patiently waiting for the light go change--go figure. i realized my dumbness and proceeded to try a three-point turn. this was a very narrow street and other cars where coming so backing out of someone's driveway surrounded by big vehicles was not as easy as i thought it would be. in my attempt the car turned off again; clutch out too soon. finally i took the right street to get to the takeout place and as i approached the corner where this joint is i realized that there is a parking spot at the very corner of the intersection where the restaurant it. my mind proceeds to think that i can reverse with traffic behind me and basically take an inverse L turn to get the precious parking space--like many others around me. so finally i realize that half the world hates me and i decided to keep going and then do a Uie. finally i park about four parking spots pass the restaurant, on the opposite side. go in. get my pupusas and leave. on my way back i dutifully make my stop at a stop sign but start going a bit slow so other people think i'm letting them go but i'm not--so i probably looked like an idiot if they were nice; or a bitch if having a bad day. finally i make it home but not until the car technically turns off again because i took the clutch out before putting it in neutral. is that a crazy commute back home or what?

civic duty

so i had jury duty today. i was assigned to go to Lowell's juvie court for it, check this, AT 8AM! what the heck. who plans these schedules? needless to say i forgot to borrow the GPS navigator from my office so i got lost on my way there--just a little bit. then i found myself at the intersection where i needed to be, so technically i wasn't lost, really. when i got there, it had been cancelled. the security guard suggested that i go to district court to get credit for it. getting credit for it meant me staying there. i thought it would be an in & out thing. i stayed thru the whole process. sat in the empanelment group for a civil case but luckily didn't get picked. then we were all let go. there was this somewhat cute asian guy that i felt kept looking my way. he was funny. after the empanelment i changed seats--i was sitting between this old white guy and the asian guy--to move towards a window. he got up, walked towards me and leaned a bit... to look out the window. it was a bit random. :)

prior to the empanelment they gave us a little brake to get coffee and stuff. i had parked at a meter and it had expired. i got a $20 ticket. that sucks. i was on jury duty, for Pete's sake! AND the ticket was timed for 9:25am but when i got there it was just 9:22! that meter person was a total punk.

anyway, i didn't get to seen any juicy criminal action but i least i don't have to go for at least three years. it was my very first jury duty appearance. i'm glad i was able to do and fulfill my duty but it's not that hot.

flight

from time to time i get a very pressing feeling that i want to go away. i feel like i want to go somewhere where i can reinvent myself and just be what i always have wanted to be but couldn't. it is weird but i just want to run, run far. at this point many of the things around kinda burden me more than fulfill me. it's weird that even my family doesn't bring that sense of connectedness that i feel i need to find. the only truly thing that is constant is God. i feel that He is the only anchor in my life and that all things lead His way but along that way i feel a bit bruised. i don't know.

it's time to renew my lease and start setting plans for the next year. i don't want to do it. but then, i need a place to live. i also can't stop thinking of my relationship with this particular individual of the opposite sex that is pretty much confusing the heck out of me. it's hard when one can't control feelings that spur out of nowhere. wth? i don't get it. that's another nightmare. i just want to be free and live life as i feel i'm intended to. why can't i do that? why can't i be a simpler person? why do i have to complicate everything with irrelevant feelings? why???!!!!!

on another note, Gwendy and i went to a brazilian restaurant today and the food was pretty good. then we went to the christian science park and had a little drink-nic by the fountain. it sounds kinda horrible but we were having some--really good, by the way--Guatemalan rum. i felt like we were such alchies. it rained a bit but not enough to make a difference. this is the second time we go to that park to drink. last time during a warm-ish winter night with Prosecco, and now it was a nice summer evening with Guatemalan rum, and at a church. this has to be wrong in someone's book. :D

lazy saturday

i'm home doing nothing. watching tv on my bed and being a total bum. this feels so good. gosh! it has been a while since i have done this. however, i can't really enjoy it because i feel guilty. i have so many things to do. it's not even funny.

i was up until about 2am last night. after talking to a friend on the phone i went to bed and woke up at around 9am when another friend texted me. what the heck? it's Saturday! why do people text before 9am? nah, just kidding. anyway, the friend i was speaking with last night is the same one that caused all my confusion after the 7/4 weekend. last night, however, i guess that i didn't feel as confused. now i am though. we were talking about his "game" and how he needs to start asking people out and stuff. after being married for a while he has lost practice, he says. it didn't bother me to hear that so what does that mean? that i no longer care? but then i really don't care about people who are not connected to him--like the girl asking him out at the store--but i do about people who are in his life. i don't get it. why am i so confused about this? i have to sort things out.

Worcester on a Sunday morning.

I just came back from Wos-tah from an event sponsored by a local church. they invited to go promote my program. while at the park where the event was taking place, and right next to the children's play area, i stumbled upon a used 'heroin(?)' needle. what a sad sight that was for me. but also a reminder of why that event was taking place and the need that the city has for God to touch its people and free them. a number of homeless folk came to the table and wrote down their names along with prayer requests. under the colunm labeled 'address' most of them left it blank and some put shelter, others put 'casa'. what a vivid reminder of how gracious God has been with me and so blessed i am to have a place to take refuge whenever i want. wow. the Spirit can really speak to you in a variety of ways. hopefully i will be able to listen and see what He is trying to tell me more and more.

"L"is for the way you look at me...

Just came back from Erin and Darwin's wedding. It was such a nice ceremony and reception. Not way fun reception because it was a bit long but a really, really nice one. I fell in love with the carp and the lanterns hanging from it. The venue was her parents back yard. It reminded my weddings are such a great thing after all. Love is in the air and people are just happy. The couple dances and kisses. It is just so cool. I hope to have a small, simple, elegant wedding as they did one day. I'm in the mood for love.

They played this song at the wedding and I was just so happy to hear it. The also played "What a wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. I can go to bed now with a fuzzy feeling. :D

Jasiel, sigues intacta en la fibra de mi alma; como un verso que al leerse se renueva. Ahí estás, Jasiel, en lo eterno cada vez que escucho a Pedro Guerra; cada vez que observo en una mapa donde este Vermont o Japón o República Dominicana. Sintiéndote cerca te he extrañado tanto. Sería imposible olvidar a alguien a quien tanto debo. Comida, chistes, anécdotas y el abrazo cálido de una latina en los montes verdes e impetuosos. (2003)

This is the excerpt from one of the best letters I have ever received in my life. My friend José, a poet and amazing soul, sent me this letter from Puerto Rico after we spent a summer in Vermont studying Japanese in a immersion program. It was a hard summer for him and adapting to the very distant way of the US for a person coming from a Caribbean island for the first time--to VT of all places--was tough. I was happy to meet him there and to afterwards have him write me some of the great letters I keep as mementos for posterity. I read it maybe every two years. It is a source of inspiration and courage. It is funny how things like a letter can become such a powerful tool. I am sure he didn't think it would be that way when he was writing it. Life is funny that way.

bachata and wine night

so i'm still not happy to with my little confusion. it seems as if my life is a bit of a mess now but it doesn't really feel that way. i have decided to ignore FB pictures when they come up (just decided though). it is not healthy to keep looking at things that make me feel weird. yes, weird. what else would you call when you feel jealousy towards someone you don't know for someone you have no romantic connection with for no apparent reason; just because someone seems to be having fun without me? i don't know. it sounds weird to me. the best thing is that i really have not felt this before. i didn't even feel this when he was getting married--he's no longer though, i'm not that sad. the uncomfortable thing about this is control. i thought everything was done and over with and now i have somewhat lost control over the situation. i mean i do have control, i guess. i could no longer talk to this person again and forget about the friendship i have with him. the other option is talking to this person to vent and get it out of my system. i know that i can never have a relationship with him so it's not like telling him would make a difference in terms of now.

on another topic i feel like my motivation is affected. not necessarily because of the aforementioned issue but just because. i need a break. a real break; not like my weekend in NYC which was somewhat draining; fun, but draining. yesterday at was trying to keep my hand still to see how my 'nervios' were and my hand pretty much never stopped. it was trembling--rather vigorously, i may add--and it was just sad. i am seeing some grey hairs too which were not there before. hmm... i think that this job i'm doing is definitely God's temporal call to my life, i just don't know that its rhythm is what He wants for me. i really don't. this is not healthy. i also have heart palpitations. i talk and do at 100 miles an hour and everything seems to be so fast that when something/someone slows down next to me i get annoyed. i want things quick and now. that's not normal, eh? i need a good vacation go next door to VT. i love VT. it would do me good. hopefully my car can make it there. today i had to call AAA to change my tire because the front right tire had a big nail in it. luckily the guy that came to change it was also able to fix the tire so i don't have to take it to the 'gomero' to get it fixed. God is good that way; providing me the change-and-fix-your-tire-right-then-and-there guy. he was Puerto Rican too and very latino-like in doing business--whatever that means. quite reassuring. :D

where do i get the right to be jealous? how does that happen? since when does someone get mad when she sees another person having fun even if it is not with her? i don't get it. don't they say that if you love someone you want what's best for them; for them to be happy? if so, then why am i not happy? why do i feel like i want that person to have fun with me? not with someone else. it is insane. totally insane. it is also selfish and i am not liking myself being selfish. what on earth?

too harsh

apparently i'm too harsh on myself. i guess i am but i am also not clear on what that means. a very dear friend of mine has told me that over the weekend and it's a challenge for me to see where having healthy, high standards for oneself end and unhealthy, perfectionism starts. hmm. maybe she's right, or maybe not.

hmm... what is love?

so.. i have been struggling with this lately and i'm not sure what it means. i recently met up with someone with whom i had a romantic relationship many years ago. we are now friends and have a pretty good--what feels genuine--friendship. however, after spending part of the weekend with this person, i guess that i'm not sure how i feel about our past history. he seems to pop up in my mind rather frequent lately and i couldn't help to wonder what my life would have been if we had developed our relationship into a serious relationship. i was never able to trust him and in fact to this day i feel that he had a girlfriend at that time and that i was only a fling of sorts. however, in his defense, i think some of his feelings were also true and so can't really judget him since i don't really know waht his situation was like. one thing is true, though; when i am with him i feel rather comfortable. i don't necessarily like him when i'm with him, but i definitely like him more when i'm away from him. maybe i just like what he represents rather than liking him (attention, care, etc.). the other day while driving home i was listening to a song by Rosario, Como quieres que te quiera?, and i found myself crying and thinking of him. no idea why. i think that some feelings are so hard to understand. i think i'm too complicated. why? i either should like the guy or i shouldn't. what's with all the drama? idk, idk.

wow...

it's been a while. can i possibly resume this?

Happy New Year! | Feliz Año Nuevo!

i can't believe that the year 2009 is already here.  this is crazy.  i have had such a great end to my year.  God has been extremely gracious to me and all i can do is start it with a smile because i could not have thought of anything better to do.  as i type this i cannot help but laugh. it is such an amazing feeling.   in any event, i want to wish everyone much joy and blessings this new year. this is a true testament that God's mercies have renewed for us once again and that, my friends, it's an marvelous thing. :D 

no puedo creer que el año 2009 ya esta aqui.  es medio loco pensar en como pasa el tiempo. este final de año ha sido tan maravilloso--no el ultimo dia en si, sino los meses del final.  Dios ha sido tan bueno y bondadoso conmigo este año y todo lo que puedo hacer es comenzarlo con una sonrisa porque no tengo nada mejor que hacer, nada mas que hacer.  mientras escribo estoy estoy riendome;  es un sentimento tan maravilloso y completo.  quiero desearles a todos mucho gozo y bendiciones este nuevo año.  esto es un testimonio de que las misericordias de Dios se han renovado nuevamente para nosotros y eso, mis amigos, es una cosa verdaderamente hermosa.  :D 

i wonder...

what would be the hardest? to lose a father that you were intimately connected with, or to lose one that you really never knew as a person? either way i guess it is painful. in my case it is the latter, i never knew my father as an individual. we never really had a relationship and i had always wanted to ask him a number of questions that puzzled me throughout the years. unfortunately, i cannot now. i found out that he passed away a while back. it was a really crappy way to find out too. i read a newspaper article where they mentioned that he was being honored at poetry reading in his home city. apparently he was a poet--i didn't know that. obviously that's where my love for poetry/literature comes from. it has taken a toll on me. i have cried a lot. i feel so hopeless. my mother will never be able to answer the questions i had for him; both because she probably doesn't know, and because in trying to protect herself, she uncontiously refuses to do so. it totally sucks.

today is also my brother's birthday so i can't call my anyone in my mother to tell her that my father's childhood friend confirmed that he died. i can't bring relatively bad news for her on a day when they probably are going to do something for my brother's birthday. this feels very lonely. my life has always been this way. i fend for myself when it comes to emotional needs and that's probably why i'm messed up in that department. i ugess all i can do is cry and let things take their course. there's so much in my head. my only hope for peace is God and i pray that He will know how to heal my heart.

what a day!

this morning as i was walking to the train station i happen to see a flock of ducks/geese flying in a perfect V formation.  i thought it was amazing how those birds have such a intricate way flying. if humans had to do that we probably would be trying to outrun each other and instead of Vs we would have a whole alphabet soup. anyway, so i was looking at them and thinking how God created all these things which a completely cool.  as i walk through the huge parking lot near the supermarket i realized that i should move towards the sidewalk if i was to continue not looking where I was going.  as i took a sharp left turn this guy behind me almost bumped into to me. then, check this out, as i tried to step onto the sidewalk i fell.  yes, i did. i freaking fell between two parked cars on the parking lot and the sidewalk step.  totally embarrassing. i don't' know if anyone was watching but totally embarrassing.   it hurt.  i fell on my knees and left hand.  so i dusted myself off and proceeded to semi-limp for a couple of steps.  when i got to work i checked out my knees and they were bleeding. completely sucks.    later during the day, i'm talking to my colleague and she bumps my knee with her foot. ouch.  

since it's the end of the semester i'm extremely busy and not looking to waste any time. there's a woman who wants to volunteer with us so after she showed up last night i asked her to come back today at 1pm to do some volunteer work.  i work for part of the morning setting things up for her and then she doesn't show up.  

my lunch from Foodies which is usually pretty yummy was not that good.  i worked all day on these certificates so at least that was more or less ok.  towards the end of my work day a volunteer i had  to "fire" showed up for an activity and with her hostile look asked where one of hte pastors was. i was like, "no way; not this, not now." luckily that was the end of that.  

i left work to go to Pier1 to buy some appreciation gifts for our volunteers and the girl packaging the stuff literally threw them into a bag like it was a nasty mother-in-law that she anted to stomp on.  so i paid,  fixed the bag, and left.  after Pier1 i went to the supermarket to get something for dinner. it is now about 9pm.  i go to the self-checkout lane and it is closed but there was a cashier open and she called me. :)  she scanned my stuff and told me the total. i was looking for my wallet.  i looked and looked and it wasn't there.  i told her to hold my order because i had left my wallet at Pier1.  she said yes.  i walked to Pier1 and they had my little purple wallet--which i love. i went back to the supermarket and now there was a different cashier but there was no problem with resuming my order after having to wait a bit in line. 

as i walked home trying to find out if my keys were in my purse so that i didn't have to walk all the way back, i dropped my CS Lewis book.  it was raining earlier so the ground was semi-wet. i sighed and said, "what a day!"  when i got home and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror i realized that i was missing an earring, which i did not take off during the day.  as i was cooking in the kitchen it fell off my scarf.  

i'm hoping that this is the end of it and nothing else happens. it wasn't such a dramatic day after all but the little annoying things i experienced made it quite, well, annoying.  my tomato, shrimp pasta was good, though.  at the end of it all i'm still happy.  this must be "that" joy that surpasses all understanding. :P 

humph

i'm tired. the climax of a really hectic time is approaching. i have to finish writing a grant report and really do not have any idea of what would even begin to discribe it. it is all my faul. i waited 'till the last minute. what the heck. this is so me. i should have called the foundation and ask some questions. i didn't write the grant proposal nor was i involved in the implementation of it. i came in in august so to write something for december it's a bit of a strech. most of stuff is also anecdotal so it's hard to just plug in numbers and get things done that way. it is not cool. but God is great and i know that it will be fine. just today we saw an amazing miracle. truly. we were short for our sponsorships for a fundraiser this year and ouf ED went to a meeting--reluctantly, mind you--and came out of it with a two grand sponsorship check; which not only covered what we needed but we are now stelar because the other fundraising parties are totally short. that was truly a miracle and there's no arguing with it. the guy wasn't even pursuing these people. he met them today at the meeting. sigh...total emotional roller coaster this week.

oh, oh, speaking of roller coasters, yesterday was a pain. one of the women here opened the database with all the ticket purchases for this gala we're involved in and filtered the information so that only a few tickets appeared. i had left the office early on tuesday and when i came yesterday the same woman tells me that there's something wrong with the database. i wanted to die. really, die I tell you. the IT guy looked things over and there was nothing wrong with the server, etc. after my initial shock that everything had been lost I went back to the document and realized that "something" looked different. after unfiltering things everything went back to normal and my weeks of hard work had not disappeared. it turns out and the same woman who kept saying that she hadn't done anything to it was the one that filtered it and forgot she had done so. i really do not understand how a person could forget that they changed a document and then ask "what happened?" i think it's a bit ridicoulous but that's ok. we're all human and mistakes are made. she was completely unsympathetic and/or concerned with the fact that i was going through hell while the IT guy looked for what was wrong. she apologized at the end for not going over and "helping" me figure out such an easy issues as that. I couldn't believe it. not for messing it up, pointing it out and then being completely defensive about it, but for not getting up from her desk and showing me how an idiot i am. really? but it's all good. i realized that she may not be as confident and admitting mistakes may take a great toll on her so i kinda feel bad for her and her inability to not take things so personal.

with all that junk said, i am so happy! sonia and i had a great conversation with Hno. Orange about his work when he was in Chile and how God has blessed him so dearly in everything. he is such a great man. i totally have a little crush on him even if he's sixty-plus. i just think he has an amazing story and i would totally love to be friends with a person like that. an older, wise person that can sit down to chat with someone that could be his son/daughter--or even a grandchild--and do so with no hint of prepotence or superioty but out of a genuine desire to share. people like that make you want to listen to them, learn from them, honor them and just amulate their example in life. such humble, sensitive and solid people are few and far between. that was great. :) and i'm totally in love but like family-love. please don't got around saying i'm into septuagenarians or about.

faith on the catwalk

i do not know why but i have spent part of my afternoon looking at pictures of the new "it-girl" in fashion,  super-model sensation Arlenis Sosa Peña.  geesh, her generic Dominican name does not do her justice. she is crazy beautiful, this girl.  i am so glad that she's Dominican and from what seems to be a not-so-uppity sector of society--sucker for underdogs here.  most importantly, however, is that she is a woman of faith (gasp!). it appears to be an oxymoron but the girl apparently likes to read the bible in-between photo sessions. how awesome is that?   i love her.  she seems pretty down-to-earth and just an overall bubbly, fun, borderline-naive girl from my lovely island--yes, it's all mine. :P 

Here's her pic in case you wanna check it out (try to guess why i chose this hair, ehem, head shot.. 

more pictures if you care... 

nov. 28th

today is my younger sister's birthday.  it's her 18th birthday, which she has been announcing for about a month. :D  i think is pretty funny when people do that.  my cousin carol used to do that too when we were younger and i could never bring myself to do the same. i thought it too needy.  i guess my views have changed.  i remember one year while in 6th or 7th grade where i forgot it was my birthday.  my family woke me up singing happy birthday, etc.--the little ritual my mom liked for all of us.  then i went to school and completely forgot about it.  :\ when i came home, Doña Blasina, the lady that cooked for us, said "Happy Birthday Miss."  i was furious... that meant i had forgotten my birthday and none of my friends at school got a chance to buy me anything because i didn't mention anything to begin with.  to top it all off, it was a friday (!) so i was not going to be able to mention it to the class until after 3 days had passed.  i missed a perfect opportunity for my friends to give me presents and/or shower me with attention that day.  since then, i have never forgotten my birthday again--at least not during the birthday and/or for the whole day. :)  

anyway, back to my sister.  i remember when we were expecting her to be born. my mom had had a number of miscarriages because of toxoplasmosis (from our old cat) and finally after a long treatment she was able to have my sister.  we didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl.  we were choosing which name to name her.  my mother really wanted her to have my great grandmother's name: Amelia. i think that's such a beautiful name now. Amelia by itself would probably have been more than enough. anyway, at that time i thought it would be cool to combine my name and my great grandmother's  and call  her jasmelia. but my little brother--6 years younger--as a good dominican said jamelia without the s and everybody thought it was great.  the little punk stole my idea and 'till this day swears that he came up with the name.   ok, ok... i'm digressing into something completely different.  so, the day she was born we were all anxiously awaiting what it was going to be. she's 12 years younger than me so i was old enough to remember things.  i remember that people would always ask if i wanted a brother or a sister, likewise to my brother.  my mom seemed to want a girl because my step-dad really wanted a girl--or so it appeared.  although he always has considered me his daughter it is only natural that he wanted to have a bond with his own daughter.  so after much anticipation, the day came. my mom gave birth through c-section so it was a scheduled delivery.  it was in the afternoon and i remember as my aunt, dad, brother--not 100% if he was there--and i were waiting in the dark hallway for the news.  i think the OR had a little blue and red light to the let people know whether it was a boy or a girl.  i'm not sure though; maybe i saw that in a movie or book.   we were all so happy. i was so happy; my aunt congratulated my dad.  it was fun. i remember that her nails were pretty long and she seemed to be hungry; at least that's what someone said. as she grew i remember telling her stories which she really liked.  my repertoire included Snow White, Cinderella, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, etc., as well as a plethora of made up stuff. i used to tickle her a lot too. i would also scold her many a times when she did something unkosher to which my dad would object and we would argue day and night about it.  i wonder how different my life would have been if i had stayed in DR. or how different my sister's temperament would be.  

she grew up pretty much alone with my parents.  my brother came to the US for high school at about 15 so she was 9 when she became an "only-child."  i always tell them that they brought her up as a grandchild more than a daughter.  but i guess that it's true what they say that parents are usually more lenient with the youngest child than the rest.  in any event many times i have considered her spoiled. but i have to say that probably compared to current standards she's just normal.    i think she's very smart, beautiful and with a sensitive heart.  i also think she has chosen to go the easy route and not challenge herself in any way.  sometimes i look at her and wish that i could make her see how much potential she has and the amazing things she could do if she only tried a bit or if she wanted to.  she could really do a lot if only she could see herself that way.  but i also understand that she is her own person and she has to choose what she feels it's best for her as well as deal with the consequences--positive or negative--of her present actions.  

this may seem like a sad post when i think of it but it is not.  i'm happy to have my sister and to how these great memories from the time of her birth to now.  i see her potential, her talents and look forward to the day when her life experiences will come together to shape the great woman she'll become.  i pray that in the meantime she is as the japanese say どんどんbecome aware of how much she is worth and start putting her value on things that are not destroyed by "ladron o polilla." i'm really looking forward to it. i'm also thankful to have her in my life because, probably unbeknownst to her, she has taught me a lot about myself, my expectations and the fact that each one of us truly has a responsibility to oneself.  well, first to God but then to oneself.  no one can force us or persuade us to be one way or another, it is our choice to be what we are.   i'm a working progress in this department but i truly hope to be able appreciate and learn to respect my sister's choices regardless of what i think they should.  i love her and that's pretty much what an older sister is for;  the other stuff is really inconsequential.  

new gig...

today i start my new job.  after 5 years working for the same employer i have decided that God has called me to do something else and i'm starting a new job with an urban ministry at the church where i congregate.  it has been an amazing journey so far.  i am going to miss my team. i felt like more than a manager I was a friend and an encourager.  i feel so blessed to have been able to work with those people.  my respect for them is so great.  the same goes for most of my co-workers.  my office-mates--Tim and Bru--they are great people.  i hope they are recognized as such when the time comes.  it is amazing what a place can do to you.  for the past few months i have been miserable there.  my boss has been completely irresponsible in the way she has handled things.  i have been struggling to manage a new program which was handed to me in disarray and with no staff.  however, i am glad it has happened that ways.  otherwise, i would not have had that as a catalyst to leave.  God is great and He knows when & how to deal with things.  at one point i was so overwhelmed that i had to lock myself in one of the bathroom stalls and cry until i could no longer.  it was horrible. there i prayed for God to deliver me from it and less than two days later everything changed.  i am so happy!  the new job will be an adjustment,  i'm starting from the bottom again but i could not be happier.  i am so lucky.  i couldn't ask for more.  i'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life and hope to fufill the task which i have been entrusted.  

 Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.  Jeremiah 33:3